Alive and Well

Today was another Poker Run Day..  Josh's family does an amazing job organizing the run and regardless of the monsoon outside they still had a nice turnout.  I look forward to seeing everyone again and catching up.  However, it also brings me a huge amount of anxiety.  Bittersweet is a good way to describe it.

I love that everyone can still come together to honor and remember Josh.  That there is still support from a community that was shaken after his loss.  It's an amazing thing to see.

Besides that fact that I had a horrible headache.. the day always seems to be a blur.  Hard to process.  I guess that's my minds way of toughing up to get through another day.  Not to knock on anyone, but a majority of the American population doesn't understand.  They don't understand the sacrifice to keep our country free.  They don't understand the pain left behind with families of fallen service members.  They don't understand that it NEVER goes away.  Really.. I mean never. 

It's easy for people to say "move on" or "get over it." Sureeeeee.  I'll get right on that.  I remember thinking for the longest time, "Surely it's got to get better."  Well.. I'm here to tell you that I am here 5 years later and I still think about it every. single. day.  I'm alive and well and content with my life, but I can assure you that I am not "over it."

If I could delete the months of May through September off of the calendar that would be fabulous.  I spend a lot of my time trying to push those feelings away, but there are days when you just can't.  Like Memorial Day, Poker Run, September 2nd, Veterans Day, February's Homecoming..... Catching my drift?

Which brings me to this..

I remember the days when I thought I couldn't possibly go on.  When I didn't feel like I had an ounce of strength to make it one more day.  When I felt like all my life purpose was gone because everything I had imagined was taken.

I survived.  

I'm here.. Living it each day.  For whatever reason this was my chosen path and I'm slowly getting better at accepting that.  It's hard to do.  We are so driven in our lives to ask "why" and to have an answer to everything.  I guess there are times when we really need to have a little faith and know that we have that strength to go on.  

Good days and bad (which still exist).. I'm still here to tell the story.  It will be 5 years this September.. 5!  That doesn't even seem remotely possible.  It's gone fast and slow at the same time.  I've come to the conclusion that there is no good way to describe in until you live it.

My thoughts and so scattered when I write here, but I felt like today was a good day to check in and say that I'm alive.. and well.

Much love <3

"Time Heals All"

..or so they say.

I have been the queen of mental breakdowns lately.  Almost 4 years later I know that I can't change the hand that I've been dealt, but for some reason that hasn't made it any easier.  I can't get past the fact that the life I had planned is no more.  I can't get over how much things have changed. 

After I started to lose it I figured I might as well dig in and I started going through some things that I have in my room.  Boot camp letters being one of them.  The papers are starting to turn colors and I can't believe that was 7 years ago.  I pulled one out of the box and started to read it..

 

Nice choice, right?  If that doesn't smash your heart into a million pieces.  I'm so angry.  Angry that he didn't get to have the life he wanted.  The chance to be married and have a family.  He would have been such a good dad.  I was thinking today about how he wanted to stay in after the deployment. He never wanted anything else in life except to be a Marine.  That was it.

I know in my heart if he was going to go that is exactly how he would have wanted it.  I wasn't ready for that.  I'm sure no one ever will be ready for something like this to happen to them.  But why him?  Or why me? At 21 and 20 we were still kids.  Kids with big dreams.  And before I knew it I was given a life that I had never planned on having.  One that stays with me every single day.  It drives me crazy that people have their opinions on my life.  How they don't understand that I can't just "get over it."  No.  I'll never get over it.  Whether I like it or not this is a part of my life and who I am.  I can't change that.  Do people honestly think that's what I want?! I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy.  No one should have to feel this way.

I'm really struggling with where my life is headed.  What I'm going to do.  Having to pick yourself up and move on knowing what's left behind.  Sometimes this still feels like a bad nightmare and I'm ready for it to be over..

Picking up the pieces..

Most people would be out enjoying their last night of vacation.  Life of a war widow? Spending the last hour and a half in tears.

I usually know when to prepare myself.  Or when I feel my breakdowns coming on with a vengeance.  Try as I might to hold it all together behind a pretty smile, sometimes it all just falls apart.  Completely falls apart.  Like sobbing, uncontrollable tears and asking myself why a thousand times.  Really.. July through September can go straight to you know where.

As you may have noticed a lot of things have been changing in my life.  I'm on my own little path trying to figure out how I can get through this.  "Accommodate" it instead of trying to overcome it.  Coming up on 4 years I feel like I have almost relapsed on everything.  The pain and memories are flooding back. Oh and I feel like I have made zero steps forward.

The pain.. That same pain is still as unbearable as it was on September 2nd, 2010. I miss him so much.  There are so many times I find myself wondering where we would be today.  Should have been married by now.   Maybe a family.  Who knows.  I wish so many times that he was here with me to experience things in life.  Those times when I find myself witnessing something amazing and wishing he could be right there with me.  I'm sure he is.  Just not the way I want him to be.

You see.. I met Josh when I was 15.  Sure things were never perfect with us, but are they ever?  We loved each other so much and had so many plans only to end up in heartache.  I have to wonder nowadays if I will ever have the things that I wanted with him.  Will I ever have that same love again?  Will I ever look at someone like I looked at him? Am I going to walk down the aisle and think this isn't how it was supposed to be?  Honestly this whole thing really threw a big ole wrench into my life.

At this point I need to figure out where I am headed.  I know full well I will never be 100% again.  I was hoping that by now I would have picked up a lot more of the pieces.  So far that's not going well.  There is just something about this time of year that drags me down. Really though.. What do you do when the love of your life and all of your plans disappear right before your eyes?  How do you get over that?  How do you move on?

Tomorrow is a new day.  Things will keep moving on in life and it will only be a matter of time until I'm back in this spot again.  In the mean time I need to find my way back to those closest to Josh.  They understand.  And with a little help from my friends.. Here's to hoping that things will start looking up <3  

The truth about being a "War Widow"

So in the last few weeks I've come to realize a lot of things about this life.

1. Pretending like it never happened.  You read that right.  For the last 3 years I've completely devoted my time trying to pretend like my heart wasn't ripped out and smashed into a million pieces.  Note to self.. it will come back and bite you in the butt one day.

2. You feel like you're never going to be whole again.  When I say a piece of myself died that day that's no joke.  It's totally unfair that at the age of 20 I lost him and ever since then I've never felt the same.  Even if I pretended like my whole life was fab.

3. You feel like you will never be happy again.  I was 20 years old.  I had my life planned.  In about .00000001 seconds it was ripped away from me.  I don't know that I ever want to have my "happily ever after" anymore.  Who knew that you would have to try so hard to be happy. It doesn't come as easy as it used to.

4. As much as people try to understand.. they never will.  There's no way to understand this life unless you go through it.  It's like a bad mind game that you can't get out of.  There are so many ups and downs and so many things that people just don't understand about how you are feeling.

5. You will NEVER get over it.  Try as you might it's not leaving.  That will be a part of my life until the day that I die.  I think about it every. single. day.  It's obvious that there is practically a stamp on my forehead.  It's like the little cloud that Olaf has over his head except it's a sad one.

We're definitely a special kind.  I don't think I will ever know why God chose this life for me.  What I've learned lately is I need some time to myself to figure out how to get through this.  There's gotta be a light somewhere.

How do you just let go?  How do you move on?  How do you put someone else through what you're going through?  I knew this wasn't going away, but I don't think I ever pictured it going quite like this.  I miss him.  So much.  When I hear a song or see a picture I smile, and then I want to cry.  I haven't picked up all of those pieces yet.. And at this rate it's going to take some time.

There's something about July...

Something about this week in July weighs heavy on my heart.  I don't know if it's the last time I saw him.. Or just remembering those last few days we had together.  It breaks your heart little by little as the days pass again.  Especially with the addition of Timehop on my phone I am constantly reminded of what used to be.

A few weeks ago I went to the Poker Run that is held each July in Josh's honor.  I look around at his family and friends and notice how much has changed since then.  Most of the guys in his unit are out now.  Some in college, some working, some just married, others divorced.  Everything has changed.  People have moved forward in their lives.  However, there's something that tied us all together.

Four years ago this week, I don't think any of us knew what we were about to endure.  The Marines, the wives and girlfriends left behind or even friends and family.  There's something about that whole deployment that looms over my head like a little cloud.  It changed us all forever.  No matter where everyone goes in life there is still that little piece in everyone's heart.

I often wonder how my life could have played out differently.  I've seen so many couples and Marine's deal with the hardships of returning after a difficult deployment.  You don't realize what they really put themselves through until you see it with your own eyes.  Really such a small portion of America is involved with the military that many don't notice how it changes them forever.  Even after a deployment to Iraq, Josh was different, and looking back now... That deployment was cake.  Just looking at the Marine's that Josh served with you know what they carry inside of them and in others you can see the struggle in their eyes.  It really was a life changing things and I only see part of their story.

I left Jacksonville, North Carolina 4 years ago tomorrow not knowing what the future would bring.  I spent the night before crying over and over again knowing what the next morning meant for me.  I still remember pulling into the airport and watching him drive away with tears rolling down my face.  At the time I told myself through the tears "It's only 7 months.. I can do this again."  Little did I know it was going to be a lifetime.

I still have my days.. some really bad ones.  When I wonder why my life has taken this path and how it feels so not fair sometimes.  At the end of the day.. everything happens for a reason.  Whatever that reason will be.  As I continue on in life there's a part of it I will never forget.  I guess that's part of the deal in forming who you are.

As for me.. things are going well.  Each day is another one that I have survived and I'm living my life again.  I really need to come back here more.. it's been a while <3

Times are changing

You know.. It's been really weird passing that three year mark. Three years ago seems like an eternity, but only 3 years. I was just on Facebook scrolling through my news feed and it's so weird. I remember looking back on that deployment. Remembering how we all were and what we all went through. Now I look and most of those guys are out starting their lives, other couples I knew have gone their own ways, people are starting families.

After Josh died I knew my life wouldn't ever be the same. We weren't going to have a life or a family together anymore. I'm happy for everyone, but sometimes that still kinda hurts. Everyone else is moving on and each day I still have that pain. I'm not alone and my life isn't terrible, but I still have to live with it everyday.

Regardless of where anyone goes or what they do in life.. We are all still connected by those years and deployments with 2/9. Everyone isn't as close as they used to be, but if you  ever needed something they would be right there   It's crazy.. The military life. It's one of those love hate relationships, but one thing people wouldn't change is the  people they have met along the way.

So yeah.. That's my random little thought of the day.

Year 3

As always, I wake up to a beautiful morning on September 2.  Quiet and peaceful.

3 years ago at 7:48 am my life was drastically changed forever. The world that I had known and the plans that I had for the future came crashing down around me. In seconds. 

I remember September 1 very well. I was awakened at 5 am by Josh calling to let me know he was okay. I remember him telling me what he had been up to and that they had captured some Taliban that day. I talked to him about school and I was about to start my 3rd day of classes. We talked for an hour before he had to go. I told him I loved him and to be careful. Little did I know that was the last time I would hear his voice. 

That day I was busy from school and work. Exhausted from being up, but I didn't mind. That evening I spoke with some friends about another marine who was injured. I also found out about my friend Ashleigh's husband Cody and I remember thinking I don't know what I would do. When I went to bed and slept through that night, I had no idea that Josh was struggling to survive thousands of miles away. 

I woke up the morning of September 2nd to my phone. Missing the first call from Josh's Dad. Sometimes I wish I never would have called back. I remember him telling me Josh was killed that morning. And I remember saying back no you're lying another 10 times. He wasn't lying. 

I got off the phone and I sat up in my bed. I remember not even knowing what to do. It was like being frozen in time. I didn't know whether to run, to cry, to scream. The thoughts in my head were moving so fast. The thoughts that this was the last deployment, I'm supposed to have a life with him, I, supposed to get married. It was all gone in a matter of seconds and there was not one thing I could do about it. 

I ran down the steps and hit the floor. My life was about to be most military wives/girlfriends worst nightmare. 

That day is such a fog. I remember sitting in his parents living room listening to the CACO and thinking this cannot be real. I held onto a bear he had given me hoping that it would be a joke. He promised he would be back. 

At this point looking back- he and I both knew this deployment wouldn't turn out right. He told me one night months before his uncle who had recently passed came to him and said to watch your back. He didn't think he was coming home, but only ever told me that when he had no control over his words. I remember one night in particular and yelling at him while I was crying wondering how he could ever say such a thing. Maybe then is when I should have listened so I would have known what he wanted for me. 

I remember watching him tell his family goodbye in their kitchen before we left for Camp Lejeune. He cried. He hardly ever cried. It broke my heart. I was happy to have him to myself a few extra days, but I knew what waited at the end. The trip down was so much fun filled with love and laughter. My trip back, alone, was a lot of sadness and tears. I just knew. Even though I had hoped and prayed that it wouldn't happen it did. 

Going through the viewings and funeral was so unbelievably difficult but heartwarming. There were so many amazing people around. It reminded me how amazing he was and what he meant to people. And he was home. With me. Just not how I had ever imagine. I don't remember as much anymore about those days. I guess it's my bodies way of taking away some pain. 

Even after those days, life wasn't the same. I tried to pretend like it didn't happen by drowning myself in school and work. I cried every single day for months. I still cry. My heart was broken so much I didn't even know where to start to get it back. Each day is a struggle and I always think about him. Wondering what his life would be like. He deserved so many things- a family, dream job, children. But he gave all of those things up for this country. 

When we were in high school and started dating he always wanted to be a Marine. I remember the arguments with his dad about joining. After he turned 18 it was a done deal. It's what he wanted in life and even though it kills me he wouldn't have wanted to go out any other way. I always knew he had that in him. I always said "don't be the hero- do what you have to do and come home."  But.. He was the hero. He had that about him. He laid his life on the line for the guys around him without thinking twice about it. That's who he was and what he believed in. And for that he will always be remembered.

I hope people realize what it takes to have the freedoms we do today. I live with a reminder every single day of the price. My life was taken away from me to fight the bigger cause and there's nothing I can do about it. 

I'm going to take a time out from this one and come back later. It's a lot to take in today.. 

Poker Run

So another year.. How? I don't even know. Today is the 3rd Annual Poker Run. I couldn't go, but I was able to watch as it made its way through Clymer.  Train wreck is a good way to describe myself after that. 

First off I would have had an amazing video of it. Only to realize when I went to stop it that it didn't record.  Really? Why is the world going to be against me today. My life I swear.. So that's the 1st thing I'm going to pout about. 

Anyways.. I've been nervous about it all morning. You don't realize how much you can hide from something. Then there are days when it just smacks you right in the face. Every year at this time it's so overwhelming. Just 3 years ago we were on pre-deployment leave gearing up for another round. 3 years. I can't believe it's been that long. At the same time it feels like it was just yesterday. 

It's overwhelming to watch all of the bikes and cars move through together. So powerful. It almost reminds me of the days we brought him home and said see you later. Such amazing people tied together by a tragedy. 

Through it all its time to remember Josh. Remember the person he was and the sacrifice that he made. The world will never stop turning. We all had to keep moving forward. It never leaves your mind, but on days like today it's a lot stronger memory.. 

I'm so proud.. To watch everyone remember him reminds me why he chose this life and why it ultimately ended that way. I remember the days he fought with his dad about joining. He was so adamant and determined to serve his country as a marine. And he did. 

7 years ago I never would have thought this is where either of us would be. I guess God has a plan even if we don't understand it. I will keep pushing forward like he would want me to, but today is a day I could crawl back to being my hermit crab self. I hope everyone on the run has an amazing day and it will be in my thoughts. It's a day to celebrate a life. 

Tomorrow I will wake up and continue on with my life, but for the rest of the today I might be a little bitter about it. 

Slackerrrrr

That's me!  I haven't been on here in forever!  Things got hectic after last July.  My Pap, who meant everything to me, passed away in August.  Jeff was in a four wheeler accident a few days before that.  And I started/finished my last semester of college!  Things have been crazy, but I can't complain.

If anything, it's amazing how time flies.  I just realized that it's been a little over 2 years since 2/9 came home from Afghanistan.  I can't even believe it.  I can't believe that this September will be 3 years.  It's unreal.

I'm doing really well.  My life is finally moving forward, and I am happy with where I am.  I've graduated college and started working,  Jeff is still putting up with my craziness, and I have a lot to look forward to in my life again. 

I still question why it happened to me and I always think about it.  I may not cry or talk about it everyday, but it is definitely one of those things that you will never forget.  It really changes you forever.  Anytime I do talk about it I feel a little more proud.  Sure I still have a lot of anger and hurt, but it's a little better.

I remind myself everyday that the world was never going to stop for me and Josh never wanted me to stop.  I slowly, but surely, started to pick up the pieces of my life and put them back together.  I think he would be pretty darn proud of me for where I am and what I've accomplished.  I'm living my life just like he would want me to.  I'm lucky too that Jeff is so understanding and supportive of it all.  I'm thankful that he's been there to keep pushing me forward.

I gave my speech for the second time this November at the school I was student teaching at.  It went really well and the audience was amazing.  It's still crazy to think that I'm in these shoes and telling that story.  To see tears in peoples eyes because of what I have to say.  My heart swelled with pride again that day.  It reminds me that even though this is a terrible thing, that people appreciate what Josh has done for our country and they are touched by my story. 

Anyways, that's a quick wrap up of my life.  However, I need to get to sleep or I'm going to be one extremely tired girl tomorrow.  Check back soon!  I may just start writing again.

Always remember <3

Poker Run 2012

This year I attended the annual poker run in memory of Josh.  I was excited to go this year since I was sick last year.  Ironically enough, it was July 15.  2 years ago yesterday I boarded a plane from North Carolina with tears in my eyes hoping that the next 7 months would go fast.  I had a bad feeling that day.  I wish I would've held onto that hug a little longer.. went back for one more kiss.  I tried being strong.  One last hug, one last kiss, one last kiss on the forehead before wiping away my tears and heading into the airport.  It's crazy how much can change in such a short period of time.

Attending the Poker Run allowed me to see a lot of people close to Josh that I haven't seen in a while.  I was lucky that Jeff went with me as a support and to remember Josh too.  Walking in the door was so overwhelming.  The tears welled up in my eyes as I choked them back.  It was so good to see everyone, but it also brought back the pain of Josh being gone.  Being with his family and friends made me miss him so much.

As the Poker Run pulled out we went through our hometown, passed our high school, stopped in the town where I had to say goodbye, drove on the roads we took when we brought him home.  It was a huge flood of emotions for me.  As I sat in the passenger seat while Jeff drove, I looked out my windows at all of the people standing on their porches and the bikes in front of me and the cars behind me.  I felt that overwhelming feeling of love, pride, and comfort in my heart all over again.

I haven't cried in some time.  I think I've reached a point in my grief where I try pushing the pain away.  Avoiding it to not feel the hurt.  To a lot of people on the outside I'm sure it looks like I'm perfectly fine.  That's so very wrong.  I think about it every single day.  It's something you don't just get over or forget about.  At some point you have to realize that you can't live in the past.  You can't spend your whole life wondering what could have been.

I talk to girls who are still living the Marine lifestyle and sometimes I get jealous.  I miss it.  Don't ask me why!  It's not like I ever got my way deal with the Corps.  I guess it's just another part to hold on to.  I miss the people.. the Marine Corps family.  Not many people get that opportunity in their lifetime.  

I still haven't figured it out why this happened and I probably never will.  I do my best to honor his memory and live my life in a way that he would be proud.  One's thing is for sure- life as a widda is never boring.  It's a hard hand to be dealt in life, but you become a better/stronger person because of it. 

Yesterday was a perfect way to remember Josh and I was honored to be a part of it.  Even through the pain, there is always the feeling of pride and love and that makes it worth every second.

Memorial Day: Take II

For the first 20 or so years of my life Memorial Day meant my birthday, cookouts, start of summer, day off work, pools open, etc.  These are memorial days from the past.  Summer fun cookouts.. completely carefree. 

For most Americans, that's what it still is.  Up until a year a half ago I didn't realize how much more there was involved in the day.  This year my birthday is Monday.  I was born on memorial day 22 years ago.  Maybe that's a freaky sign?  I don't know.  Anymore it almost makes me feel guilty that I had that association my whole life.  I didn't even take 5 minutes to think about what the day really meant.  Which is this:

Don't get me wrong.. Memorial day is a time to celebrate.  This year (just like last year) I will take some time to think about what the day is really for.  A day to remember someone as amazing as Josh along with all of the other men and women who have fought for our freedom.  If it wasn't for these people, we wouldn't be with our families, friends, significant others.  We wouldn't have the luxury of this holiday weekend a day off from work.  The least we could do is take a little time out of our day to remember. 

In other news.. I'm extremely busy as usual.   A little happier each day.  I'm excited for my upcoming birthday and what the age of 22 has to hold for me.  Things with Jeff are going well.  He is still dealing with my wid nonsense on a daily basis so I can't complain.  I'm getting better and I am thankful for that (I could never thank my family/friends and Jeff for that.. I really was/am a handful when it comes to this). 

Looking back on old posts can be so painful sometimes.  I somehow managed to block that pain/hurt/anger out of my mind.   I never realized how much I lived on auto pilot until recently.  For a good year I just went through the motions of life.  It's a crazy thing.   Something I never want to relive ever again.  It really was a very dark time in my life.  It's comforting to know that after such a tragedy.. after part of me died.. that there is almost a rebirth.  The freedom of being able to live life again.  To see a light in life that got lost in the dark.  Josh would never want me to live like that.  It's something you would never wish on anyone. 

Anyways, that's what I'll be doing this memorial day.. celebrating my birthday with the people I love and remembering another love, Josh, along with all the other fallen men and women who deserve a thank you. 

So my fellow blog readers.. my challenge/request for you this memorial day is to take 5 minutes away from your holiday celebrations to remember the fallen.  The amazing/brave men and women who allow us to have days like this.  Have a safe and fun holiday weekend!

It's been a while..

.. a long long while.  I haven't forgot about the blogging world!  I've just been so busy lately I haven't had as much time to update as I did in the past. 

Things have been going pretty well.  As time goes on it gets a little better, but never goes away.  I think about him everyday and there are constant reminders of different things that happened over the 5 years that we were together.  Part of me hates that time keeps moving on because it feels like he goes further and further away.  It caught me off guard the other day to think that it will be 2 years this year.  When I think about that day it seems like yesterday.  Some days it's overwhelming to the point of just crying because I never wanted to be in this position.  Other days it's smiling for the time that we did have.  It's a constant up and down.  The down days get further apart, but it seems to be that when there is a down day they can be a whole lot worse.  I still ask why and wonder if it could have been different. I suppose that's something you never let go of.. you never stop the love. 

Things with Jeff are going well.  It's been a little over a year since we started talking again.  I'm so lucky to have someone there again.  I know some people look at it in a negative way.  Trust me.. it's harder for me than anyone could ever really imagine.  I'm extremely fortunate to be with someone who is so accepting of it and respectful of Josh's place in my life.  By no means is this an easy thing for him either.  It's comforting to me that I can talk about it, cry, smile, laugh, or whatever when it comes to talking about Josh and he always listens. 

Something I've come to realize is it isn't about "replacing" or someone coming in second.  It's something different.  I care about each of them in their own way and no matter where life takes me, Josh will always be with me.  He's in my heart and I know he'll watch over me.  I'm a lucky girl to have that twice.  I convinced myself that I was just going to be a fat nun living in a convent for the rest of my life.  Really though.. what fun is that?

Things happen for a reason even if I will never know what they are.  Shit happens.  Bottom line.  Whether it be something as serious as losing someone or a fight with a friend.  It's just how it goes.  It amazes me though that someone actually brought Josh's death into something to try knocking me down.  Jeff ripped the phone out of my hand ready to take someone out.. but I took it back finishing the conversation only to know that I can't stoop to that same level.  I just never thought people could be so disrespectful.  The last thing Josh ever deserves is someone to use his death against me in a negative manner.  I would never think of using a tragic time in someones life as something to try and knock them down. 

One thing I have learned through all of this is everyone has their own opinions and people will always talk.  There will never be a day when everybody agrees.. its impossible.  Through it all I've learned that I'm strong.  I'm better than that and I can get through anything.  I'm a strong believer in karma.  A believer in the fact that Josh is watching and protecting me from above while I have Jeff here.  People are out to get you sometimes.  No matter how nice or how hard you work there is always someone that will have something to say about it. 

I was always the girl that let people get to me.. and that needs to stop.  For the longest time I kept worrying about what everyone would think if they found out I was talking to someone new.  And what for?  At some point I realized that I needed to do what was best for me and to hell with everyone else.  Everything I've been through has only made me stronger.  I don't need negative people in my life.  I've been so blessed to have amazing friends and family that have stood by my side no matter what. 

The day I stopped stressing about everyone else is the day it started getting better.  I'm slowly, but surely moving forward in my life.  You realize you can't just stop when the rest of the world keeps on turning.  Just because you move forward doesn't mean that you ever forget.  It's a part of who you are and it shapes the person you become.  I need to keep focusing on me and what makes me happy.  For now.. I can't say life is all that bad.  I have everything I need.. whether it be here or up in the sky.

2011 in a Nutshell

Well, I made it!  I survived a whole year without my love by my side.   It had its ups and downs, but in the end I'm still here and standing.  It's crazy to think.. an entire year.  A full year too.. homecoming, memorial service, congressional record, blog awards.. not too shabby!

Christmas came and went and I did pretty well.  By the end of Christmas day I had one of my infamous meltdowns about Josh being gone.. it was a little rough.  I at least had someone with me to just hold me and let me cry about it.  When it comes down to it its better to get it out then to hold it in.  I still like to think I can be tough and hold it, buttttt that usually doesn't work well.  The holidays are always harder and the void is a little larger than usual.  It's a good time to remember and that usually leads to my tears.  It's getting better though.. a little at a time.

My 2011 started off with this in February:

The homecoming that was supposed to be mine, but wasn't.  It was a rough day.  In the end it was something I needed to do for myself.  Face the harsh realities of war.  I remember that feeling.. almost an out of body experience.  Standing there watching girls run into their husbands/boyfriends/fiances arms while I stood back with tears in my eyes.  It sucked.  For some reason though it was comforting like he was there with them.

The memorial service followed homecoming and it was just as hard.  Lots of tears and that hour felt like an eternity.  All of the families of the fallen along with 2/9 joined together to remember each hero and their sacrifice.  It was really well done and I was so proud to be there.

Shortly after, in March to be exact, something changed in my  life.  Blog people.. This is Jeff

Jeff's the "new guy" around these parts.  Not officially a boyfriend because, well, I'm a pain in the ass and being a widow makes me whacky.  I still have a really hard time thinking about cancelling my Facebook relationship with Josh and letting go of the fact that he was my boyfriend for so long and supposed to be my husband someday. 

Anyways, Jeff is a good guy.  He's really patient with me and my hesitation to move on even though we both know that I have to at some point.  He understands and respects the fact that Josh was and always will be a part of my life.  He doesn't get mad when I talk about it.. just listens and offers a word when he can.  He holds me when I want to cry and calms me down in the end.  He knows when I'm holding back tears and is the first one to say just let it out.  I really can't complain.

It's been a big help to have someone there when I need them and to put a smile back on my face.  It's crazy to think about how much changes in a short period of time, but in the end I have to be thankful.  My biggest fear after Josh died was being alone for the rest of my life.. that no one would want me because I was already taken or I'm "broken" now.  It's comforting to know that people do look past that and even though something so tragic happened in my life it won't consume me forever. 

I know that even though it felt like a part of me died when Josh did that I can let that take over my life completely.  There's time to mourn and to heal and at some point to move forward.  I know that Josh would never want me to live my life like a hermit crab and alone.  He never wanted that for me.  Who would want that?

It's still very difficult to be with.   Allowing myself to be close with someone else takes it tolls some days.  There are days when it's okay and days when I'm freaking out and can't do it.  Life as a widow I suppose.  It's hard.. for him too.  Sometimes I wonder why he puts up with it because I can be a real crazy person, but he manages.  It'll all work out I suppose.

I'm not really sure what 2012 is going to have in store for me, but I hope some good things.  I'll graduate college in May and head out into the adult world.  After that I'm not sure.  Other than hoping to go on a trip next December.  I'll keep you all updated as I continue along my path.

Tomorrow would have been 6 years for me and Josh.  It seems like forever ago when he asked me out.  Crazy how things are so different and not how we imagined.  I think he'd be proud of where I am.  Standing with my head up and pushing through the days.  "That's my girl," is exactly what he would say <3

Have a safe and happy new year!

Holidays Take 2

Well here we are again.. new year.. new holidays.

So far it's gone pretty well.  Better than last year at least.  Holidays seem to strike a little harder because it's the time when you most want them back.  Everyone is happy and together then you are standing there thinking about the piece that is missing.  Heartbreak that's for sure.

This morning was okay.  Last year I spent with a lot of tears and in bed.  This year I stayed in bed but not so many tears.  For me I need the space and alone time to get myself together.  I gave myself a couple hours alone and I spent the rest of the day with people.

One thing I've noticed is Thanksgiving is easier than Christmas which  is followed by the new year.  I still haven't figured out how disastrous that will be this year.  Hopefully it's not too bad.  What I've learned through all of this and getting through Thanksgiving.. be thankful.  The whole point of the holiday.  I was guilty of not really caring.  Thanksgiving became 5 days of leave in my book and I lost sight of what's important.  Again.. learned the hard way.  Now I hope that people see what can happen and that you should take some time to be thankful for what you do have.

One of the most painful things sometimes is looking back and thinking "I should have done this or should have done that."  Truth is.. you can never go back.  Learning from your mistakes is part of life I guess.  Although I wish I could have learned this lesson some other way.

Even though this year is better than the last it's still that painful reminder of what's missing.  I'm an expert at blocking things out now. I'm not really sure if that's a good thing or not, but for now it works for me and I'm okay with that.  Slowly but surely I'm moving out of "survival" mode and getting life back on track.

At first living like a hermit sounded like a fantastic idea, but like I've said before, the rest of the world keeps on moving even though yours has stopped.  What kind of life would that be anyways?  Not one at all.  It's easy to cover up the pain most days and act like everything is okay.  Other days not so much.

Moving forward is still something I really struggle with.  Some days I think I'm ready and other days I completely freak out and panic about it.  I know I can't live my life with my urn and be happily ever after.. that's unrealistic.  It's just so hard for me to come to terms with the fact that my future as I pictured for so long isn't going to happen anymore.  If I even thinking about changing my relationship status on facebook it brings tears to my eyes.  Yes, I know, it's just facebook; however, I know that once I let go of that I can't get it back.  I'm not ready for that yet.

I'm not ready for a lot of things really (even though sometimes I *think* I am.. it's not true haha).  It's helped me out to let someone into my life again.  It's just so so so difficult to admit to myself that what used to be isn't happening ever.  Right now I've set myself into this stubborn ass mode where I refuse to think about anything in the future.  I'm content just doing my thing and living my life.   Thinking of all the things I want to do and see before I settle into my hometowns get married, reproduce, and never leave trend.  Life in the backwoods repeats itself.

I mentioned a little before that someone did come into my life a few months ago.  I'm so thankful he's there for me and I still question why he puts up with all of my nonsense.  Seriously.. I wouldn't want to put up with me right now.  I'm so bi-polar about everything.  One minute I'm okay and the next I'm a basket case.  It really is ridiculous but I can't help it.  Going out in public still makes me cringe because in my mind it's still "Chrissy and Josh" and I feel like I'm cheating in a sense.  I know I'm really not, but that doesn't ease the thought in my mind.

Good grief this life will make you think you're a crazy person.  On a good note another day I survived and another holiday under my belt.  Onto the next one I guess.  At least this year I have a little glimmer of excitement when I see Christmas stuff or hear Christmas music.  Baby steps..

ANYWAYS (because you know I always get sidetracked)..  I hope everyone had a fantastic Thanksgiving surrounded by family, friends, food and football.  If you haven't taken the time yet today, remind yourself of the great things in your life.  Focus on the good and what you are thankful for.  If anything.. forget the bad today and just enjoy what you have right in front of you.  Trust me.. it's worth it to take the time remembering the little things versus getting something taken away from you and looking back thinking the "I should haves."  Take it from someone who knows.

Happy Turkey Day!

Busy, Busy

I'm sorry blogging world!  I have been so busy I neglected my poor blog.  I feel bad so I came with a little update!

Josh's 23rd birthday was on October 1.  I did pretty well this year.  I was busy most of the day so that always helps.  I had the homecoming parade so I went out with friends that night and I got to spend some time with his family that day.  It's a comfort and a little reminder that he's always around.  I know he was most definitely celebrating up in the sky.

Lately I've been struggling with a lot of things.  Mostly anger.  Mad at him for leaving or things that happened in the past.  Mad with where my life is.  Have things gotten better?  Sure.  But I'm such a weirdo these days.  Honestly there are some days I don't know how anyone other than another widow puts up with me.  It's kinda ridiculous.

It's so hard to describe what you're feeling to other people.  I feel like I can never get through to them no matter what I say and they just don't understand things from my perspective.  It's so hard and frustrating sometimes.  I know it's probably worse for those who are putting up with me too.  Let me just tell you it's an odd life that we widows live.  Mrs. P posted on Facebook the other day about having a widow island and I think that is a fantastic idea!  Hopefully here soon I will get to go on an AWP Getaway to get to experience that a little bit.  I think it would help.

Right now I'm finishing up my last few weeks of classes before student teaching in November.  I started my Care Package Drive for a second year.  I'm a little disappointed it hasn't taken off as well as last year, but I've been so busy I haven't had much time.  Honestly though, I'll take whatever I can get and a little bit of donations is better than none.  I'm also really excited to be working with Operation Troop Appreciation out of Pittsburgh.  It is a great organization serving our deployed troops.  The  people there are amazing and so appreciative of everything.

That pretty much sums up my life right now.  The holidays are creeping up and when I see things in the stores I'm actually feeling a little bit of excitement again.  We'll see how I feel as it gets closer to the time.

I'm going to make a serious attempt to blog more often!  I miss my blog and I really need to get back on the bandwagon.  <3

PS:  A commenter has asked about my email.  You can find me here: chrissy8838@msn.com :)
Oh!  And check out the Letters to You page on Facebook!

Restarting the Cycle

Well here I am on year two making my way through everything once again without him by my side. It's weird thinking about it being the second year. For an entire year I relied on everything being "last year we did this.". It was somewhat of a comfort to hold onto that. Now there is nothing good to say about "last year."

A few days ago I was talking with someone and they mentioned wanting to go back a year. I instantly said yeah me too. Then I paused and thought about it. The next thing out of my mouth was no I take that back. I never want to feel the pain of that fresh wound ever again. I never want to live my life in a fog or on auto pilot, struggling through each day. No, thanks

The pain lives on each day and it never leaves. I still long for the past and I tear up when I think or talk about things that were special to us. All day everyday

The only positive is starting to slowly live life again remembering to appreciate every little thing. I'm so thankful for things that I have accomplished in the last year even with my heart completely broken and my body barely functioning. I know he would be so proud of me. He was always my biggest cheerleader and reminded me I could do anything that I set my mind to. Here I am about to start another care package drive, in my last semester of class about to was into student teaching (with a 3.8 I might add), still coaching and working. Busy as usual.

Being busy keeps me sane. I have less time to think and more time to keep pushing forward. When you hit rock bottom the only way to go is up. A year ago it seemed impossible. Feeling so incredibly lost like a piece of you died along with your heart. I set into my second year with a still foggy, but somewhat clear, vision of what I need to do in life.

I have by no means moved on. Just last night I looked at the ring I had picked out. My eyes filled with tears thinking of what could have been. His 23rd birthday is this Saturday and I plan on celebrating it for him. Trust me.. He wouldn't want it any other way. I think I might let some balloons go with little messages. It's a comfort thing to make me feel connected in some way.

It would be nice to have another dream. I still haven't had another one nor can I remember what the last one was about. They just feel so real and that's all I have. Maybe he'll be feeling froggy this weekend and drop by. I'm not getting my hopes up it's just wishful thinking.

Well, cheers to 23, babe. And here's to me getting through round two.

I'm alive.

I survived a whole year.  It seems like it's been so much longer than that.  I had been dreading the 2nd for weeks, but I made it.

This year was pretty calm.  I once again woke to a beautiful morning.. no phone calls.  I got ready as my phone slowly started ringing more often with facebook updates and text messages.  I went to class.  I could hear people whispering behind me most of the day and I just kept praying the day would go fast so I didn't have to think about it anymore.  I went to lunch with my friends after our seminar and I had some errands to run that afternoon.  I found it easier to stay ridiculously busy so I wasn't moping around doing nothing. 

I went to the football game and I held it together.  I got that same feeling of a thousand eyes on me as I walked by.  Everyone knew what day it was.  It was a repeat of walking on eggshells when it came to talking to me or shying away.  I felt those same things last year.  I know people mean well and I am thankful for everyone's support.. Sometimes it's just an awkward feeling that I could never explain to anyone.  By the end of the game I was quiet.  I held it together all day and it was about to come crashing down.

I made it back to my house with one of my friends.  I walked into my kitchen and put all of my stuff down... Game over.  I lost it.  Hitting the one year mark signified so much.  I had done many of the things I did a year before that, but it was so very different.  My heart ached at the fact that so much time has gone by and he really isn't coming back.

Ever since that day everything has been weighing heaving on my heart and mind.  I've found myself thinking about it more frequently.  Longing to have my old life back more than I ever have along with the blunt reality that it's not going to happen. 

Two nights ago I had a dream and he was talking to me.  I wish I could remember exactly what he said but I woke up and just laid there.  Almost stunned.  It's been so long since I last had dream and not remembering what it was about was eating me alive.  I know they say dreams are just our imaginations or thoughts processing; however, I hold on to those dreams more than anything else in the world.  Even if it's not real I feel like he's talking to me and saying he's still there.

I really can't believe a year has gone by.  My whole life has drastically changed in a matter of 365 days.  A new future and outlook on life.. the same pains that it will never be what I once had.  I made it though.  A year ago getting through a week seemed nearly impossible.  I didn't know what to do or how I was going to survive.  I remember saying a million times, "what am I supposed to do?"  I went into a survival mode.. almost like an auto-pilot.  Fighting through each day just to get up and fight through the next.

I'm stronger.  So much stronger than I was at the beginning.  I still cry.  I still hurt.  Those things have remained fairly steady in my life.  The best thing of it all?  Still being in love.  No matter what happens in life or who is taken from you too soon, you never stop loving them.  I think about him every single day and I'm so thankful to have had that kind of love in my life.  We were a perfect match and most people don't experience that in their lifetime.  I will always be thankful for that.

Well here we are on year two.  I'm not sure what this year will bring.  I'm out of "last years" and "firsts," but you never know what it will be like now.  What I do this year is I can survive it.  I can slowly start living my life again.  Easing some of the pain and enjoying the things I can do.  When Josh died, part of me died too.  At the same time.. part of me is still alive and he would never in a million years want me to throw my life away.  He wants me to live and I will.. just for him.

Inspiring

Me?  Inspiring?

As I went through my blog stats today.. looking at my readers pages and where my blog is shared I came across this: http://www.justmilitaryloans.com/round-ups/top-5-inspiring-military-spouse-blogs/

My blog is on there!  It really warmed my heart and it definitely made me smile.  To know that people find my words inspiring just makes me so happy.  When I started this blog I didn't know it's potential.  That I actually had the power to help other people and let those around me into my own life.  It's really a powerful thing.

I try to be honest, to put my feelings into perspective.  Cry, laugh, get angry.. it all comes out in my blog.  This is to tell our story, to talk to him, and learning to live again.  People don't always agree with me and that's fine.  I don't expect people to.  At the same time, this is my space.  For me to say whatever I please.

It's come a long way in the last 361 days.  I come here when I need to get something out and before I know it I have an entire post full of my thoughts.

It'll be a year in a few hours.  I like to think he's proud of me.  Proud of me for standing tall and pushing forward in life without him by my side.  I mean.. he's still here.  Not in the preferred form, but he would never ever leave me to fend for myself.

I know everyone says, "everything happens for a reason."  Maybe it is true.  Maybe I was destined for something in this lifetime and this is how it's being uncovered.  Granted I would prefer my old life, but I think I'm doing rather well considering the circumstances.

Finding that article today was just what I needed.  A little boost in my life to feel like I am actually making a difference.  After all.. making a difference has always been a goal in my life.  I am an education major you know.

I'm going to attempt sleep and hopefully I'll have some sweet dreams.  Stay with me tomorrow babe.  Love you always.

Clarification Annonymous Commentor

Then you are not reading what I said.  I admit.. ALL THE TIME that there are people that have it worse than I do.  I'm talking about people who have EVERYTHING, but it's not enough for them.  That people who act like life is so terrible.  What's so terrible?  Why do certain people complain about every single little thing?

Do people complain and get hurt and have problems?  Yes.  Everyone does and I know that.  And I know there are people who have it worse.  And I disagree.  I do think the loss of loved one could hurt more than other things.  And I'm sure there is plenty more about that. 

If you don't like what I write on my blog.. then don't read it.  I don't need negativity in my life.. Especially this week.  And if you're someone I know.. disappointed.  Don't twist my words.

Selfish People

Before I go into my famous "blog rants.."

Tonight I was at band night in at the fair with my majorettes and it brings back a lot of madness that happened last year.  Last year I left band night and went home.  The next morning I woke up to a 5 am phone call from trashcanistan.

"Hey baby," came across the line.  As much as I wanted to complain about it being 5 in the morning, I didn't.  I was perfectly fine with hearing the voice.  It was like a sigh of relief.  I was happy.  Until 26 hours or so later. 

I have become increasingly irritated lately with people who think their life is just so terrible.  Multiple facebook posts like they're going to make a point..

"If I find out who talked about me I'll kill them"

"Don't care about me.. nbd"

or my personal favorite..

"OMG FML"

Yeah.  Your life must be soooooooooo terrible.  No. You know what that screams?  Immature.  I'm sick of it.  I like to think my life is pretty hard, but I also know that there are people all around the world that have it a hell of a lot worse than I do.  I swear to God there are some people who think life is just so incredibly hard.  Maybe some people should step back for a second and think about that. Think about how lucky you really are.

I'm not trying to talk myself up at all.  That's not the point.  Lord knows I should have been a lot more thankful than I was in the past and I learned the hard way to really think about that one.  There are people dealing with things in this world that are so incredibly painful and difficult on a daily basis.  Cancer, illness, death, whatever.  Every. Single. Day.

I see all of these people.. happy, a family, an education, house, food, car.  Everything.  What else could you possibly want?  What is so bad?  Sure things in life are tough to get through.. relationships, your friends.  Everyone has problems.  But is it really that bad?  No, it's not.

I don't want to be one of those angry/jealous/bitter people.  It's just been super hard to not be the closer I get to Friday.  I can only push it away for so long and it's a definite "ready or not here I come."  I'm not ready.  Not at all.

I just had a complete meltdown.  I stopped crying for a few minutes only because I got out my phone and played some voice mails just to hear his voice.  Thursday will be a year since I talked to him last.  It's crazy.  Part of me feels like I'm going to forget and that scares me.  Like I keep getting further away from him and I can't go back.

Truth is I'll never go back, but I wish I could.  I wish every day that my life could be as good as it was.

I went back to school Monday.  As crazy as it sounds I love that I'm back.  Last year school was my outlet from life.  My cohort became a tight knit group of friends.  Everyday I would go into class and tell my table about some stupid thing someone said to me to get a good laugh.  They never treated me any different and they have helped me along the way.  I'm glad that I will spend part of my day with them Friday.  I'm so thankful for them and everyone else in my life.

I just wish other people remembered that.  How lucky they really are...