Our time together wasn't long enough, but I tell you what, these last 7 weeks have felt like an eternity.
7 whole weeks.
I feel like I haven't talked to you in a lifetime and I want to so badly. There are so many things I want to tell you right now and I just want you to make it all better for me. I got spoiled in the last 5 years because you fixed everything for me. You were a lot more than just a boyfriend to me. I don't think a lot of people understand that. Really after everything that has already happened in my life, you were always there for me no matter what. Regardless of the situation I always had you in my corner. Now that corner is feeling pretty empty.
I hate being alone. I can't call you crying or angry just to get "it'll be okay babe." I have nothing. Really where do you even turn in a time like this? When it comes down to people understanding I have your marine friends (who I've inherited as a bunch of big brothers and talk to them like I've known them for years), the marine girls, and without a doubt Rachel, Kai-lee, and Lauren. I feel so bad because people want to help, but you can't really make this better. And if you aren't close to the situation (military affiliated) you still don't have much of an idea as to how this feels. It'd be nice though if someone could just take this away.
The weird feeling is you can be in a room full of people, laughing and having a good time, but within a matter of seconds that void hits you like a train. I've just been a mess today and I'm not so sure people understand when I fall apart. I'm currently sitting in my office with my crazy curly hair (you should probably appreciate that part even though its reflecting my laziness today :p) in my sweats, and tears in my eyes. I really would like to go back to my bed because I feel a lot better when people aren't looking at me and not knowing what to say.
The past 24 hours have been one of the worst since this happened. I don't know what is is with Thursdays, but ever since Thursday September 2nd, its my worst day of the week. I really need to like find a way to just skip over that part of the week. Maybe it'd make things easier and that would be one less day that I have to live my life without you.
Everyone swears up and down it'll get better, but how can it? I'm going to live with this pain for the rest of my life. Sure, I'll live my life, but I'm always going to wonder what could have been with me and you.
The crappy part? I'll never know.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
"You know you can put on a smile"
Yeah. Someone told me that today. Had it not been someone grading me, I may have come back with a smart comment.
I mean really?! Everyone knows exactly what is going on with me, including her. Until today I thought I had been putting on a pretty good front, but evidently not good enough. I think I do an okay job of putting on my face and getting through each day. What people don't know is what happens when i'm alone.
I've been thinking about you all day today. I miss all of the little things you used to do. I miss being woken up at 5 am just to hear I love you. I miss you telling me I can do anything I want when I put my mind to it. I miss hearing "Christina Marie" when I was usually in trouble. I miss calling you on my way to school and usually getting yelled at for my driving. I miss fighting with you. I miss your laugh. I miss my rock. I miss you always being there.
I feel such a void in my life. I try so hard to cover it all up and move on with my daily life, but I can't. I've been doing this care package drive which has truly been amazing, but no matter what I still feel the same at the end of the day. I hate every second of it. I'm so incredibly hurt and angry I don't even know what to do with myself. I'm so mad that my life was taken away from me faster than I can blink. I'm hurt that I have to life my life without you. I replay all the things we wanted to do in my head over and over again and it tears me apart. What's even worse? You will never have a chance at any of that. I still have to live my life and you can't. It's not fair.
I see so many people in this world and question time and time again why this had to be you. Why not some worthless piece of shit sitting in jail? I'm so sick and tired of the "only the good die young" speech. It's irritating. Why should the good die young? It's an effed up logic if you ask me.
And you know. I'm so angry that more and more families have to keep going through this. There have been what like 12 people in the last few days? Wtf is up with that? I know how awful this is and I don't want a single person to have to do this.
Today I ate lunch with my sixth graders and they asked what my bracelet was. It's your memorial bracelet, so I briefly told them what happened and started talking about something else. As we were walking out of the lunchroom one of the girls approached me and said "so and so (can't say names) wanted me to tell you she knows how you feel, her dad died there." That just tore me into a million pieces. An 11 year old girl dealing with this? Sickening. Then again here I am at 20. Unfair.
Completely unfair.
I really just want my life back because so far I'm hating my new one.
Jokes over. Can I have you back now?
I mean really?! Everyone knows exactly what is going on with me, including her. Until today I thought I had been putting on a pretty good front, but evidently not good enough. I think I do an okay job of putting on my face and getting through each day. What people don't know is what happens when i'm alone.
I've been thinking about you all day today. I miss all of the little things you used to do. I miss being woken up at 5 am just to hear I love you. I miss you telling me I can do anything I want when I put my mind to it. I miss hearing "Christina Marie" when I was usually in trouble. I miss calling you on my way to school and usually getting yelled at for my driving. I miss fighting with you. I miss your laugh. I miss my rock. I miss you always being there.
I feel such a void in my life. I try so hard to cover it all up and move on with my daily life, but I can't. I've been doing this care package drive which has truly been amazing, but no matter what I still feel the same at the end of the day. I hate every second of it. I'm so incredibly hurt and angry I don't even know what to do with myself. I'm so mad that my life was taken away from me faster than I can blink. I'm hurt that I have to life my life without you. I replay all the things we wanted to do in my head over and over again and it tears me apart. What's even worse? You will never have a chance at any of that. I still have to live my life and you can't. It's not fair.
I see so many people in this world and question time and time again why this had to be you. Why not some worthless piece of shit sitting in jail? I'm so sick and tired of the "only the good die young" speech. It's irritating. Why should the good die young? It's an effed up logic if you ask me.
And you know. I'm so angry that more and more families have to keep going through this. There have been what like 12 people in the last few days? Wtf is up with that? I know how awful this is and I don't want a single person to have to do this.
Today I ate lunch with my sixth graders and they asked what my bracelet was. It's your memorial bracelet, so I briefly told them what happened and started talking about something else. As we were walking out of the lunchroom one of the girls approached me and said "so and so (can't say names) wanted me to tell you she knows how you feel, her dad died there." That just tore me into a million pieces. An 11 year old girl dealing with this? Sickening. Then again here I am at 20. Unfair.
Completely unfair.
I really just want my life back because so far I'm hating my new one.
Jokes over. Can I have you back now?
Friday, October 15, 2010
Forever
This says enough..
I miss you so much
Your light, your smile, your way
And everything about us
Though you're gone, you're still here
In my heart and my tears
Yeah, you sure left your mark
And we were just getting started
It wasn't long enough,
It wasn't long enough together
But it was long enough,
Yeah, it was long enough to last forever
Sometimes I get so mad
I scream, I swear at this
Cause this isn't how we planned it
I sit here in a cold room
Prayin', waitin' on you
To run back through that door
To the way it was before you left
It wasn't long enough,
It wasn't long enough together
But it was long enough,
Yeah, it was long enough to last forever
I feel cheated, defeated
Can't believe that you're gone
Oh, it was wrong
It wasn't long enough
It wasn't long enough
It wasn't long enough
No, it wasn't long enough
It wasn't long enough together
But it was long enough
Yeah, it was long enough to last,
To last, to last forever
It wasn't long enough,
It wasn't long enough,
It wasn't long enough.
No, it wasn't long enough
It wasn't long enough,
It wasn't long enough,
It wasn't long enough.
It wasn't long enough,
It wasn't long enough,
It wasn't long enough.
I miss you so much
Your light, your smile, your way
And everything about us
Though you're gone, you're still here
In my heart and my tears
Yeah, you sure left your mark
And we were just getting started
It wasn't long enough,
It wasn't long enough together
But it was long enough,
Yeah, it was long enough to last forever
Sometimes I get so mad
I scream, I swear at this
Cause this isn't how we planned it
I sit here in a cold room
Prayin', waitin' on you
To run back through that door
To the way it was before you left
It wasn't long enough,
It wasn't long enough together
But it was long enough,
Yeah, it was long enough to last forever
I feel cheated, defeated
Can't believe that you're gone
Oh, it was wrong
It wasn't long enough
It wasn't long enough
It wasn't long enough
No, it wasn't long enough
It wasn't long enough together
But it was long enough
Yeah, it was long enough to last,
To last, to last forever
It wasn't long enough,
It wasn't long enough,
It wasn't long enough.
No, it wasn't long enough
It wasn't long enough,
It wasn't long enough,
It wasn't long enough.
It wasn't long enough,
It wasn't long enough,
It wasn't long enough.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Drained
Living this life is physically and emotionally draining on so many levels. I feel like I am on a constant roller coaster ride and it's the craziest thing. I can go from being okay and laughing then in second have tears rolling down my face. Really- I just want it to go away. I want my life back. I want you back.
As time goes on I get increasingly more frustrated with things. For one- the stupid things that people do to abuse the system. If anything came of that blood boiler, you are a true hero. You didn't walk away from your guys; you stood by them, knowing the risks and willing did your job. I cannot even begin to tell you the mass amount of pain I feel, but at the same time, my heart just completely swells with pride. I am so proud of you, more than you will ever know.
It just breaks my heart to live the rest of my life without you. I have never in my whole life felt so alone and empty as I do now without you. I can still feel you around me, but I am terrified that one day I am not going to have that feeling anymore. Scared I am going to forget the things you did or said, forget the way you hugged me or kissed me, even the way you used to pick on the things I would do. I don't want it to go away. I want it to come back. Thing is- I can't bring it back. I can't do a damn thing about it and it drives me crazy.
You know how much of a planner I am and right now my life is in a million pieces. I don't even know where to start putting it back together. I HATE not having a plan and for the past 5 years all of my plans included you. Now what? It's like if I could just talk to you one more time so you could tell me. Where do I go, what do I do? I don't know. I have not a damn clue.
Being here without you is driving me crazy and I hate it.
By the way, I watched p.s. I love you the other night. I remember watching that movie with you. As I half-watched it again things made more sense to me. One part really struck me though as I was doing my homework and I heard something.. It was the last letter.
"Dear Holly, I don't have much time. I don't mean literally, I mean you're out buying ice cream and you'll be home soon. But I have a feeling this is the last letter, because there is only one thing left to tell you. It isn't to go down memory lane or make you buy a lamp, you can take care of yourself without any help from me. It's to tell you how much you move me, how you changed me. You made me a man, by loving me Holly. And for that, I am eternally grateful... literally. If you can promise me anything, promise me that whenever you're sad, or unsure, or you lose complete faith, that you'll try to see yourself through my eyes. Thank you for the honor of being my wife. I'm a man with no regrets. How lucky am I. You made my life, Holly. But I'm just one chapter in yours. There'll be more. I promise. So here it comes, the big one. Don't be afraid to fall in love again. Watch out for that signal, when life as you know it ends. P.S. I will always love you"
Those are things you would tell me. I wasn't even paying attention to that movie and for some reason I heard that, put my textbook down, and looked at the tv. Maybe, just maybe, you were trying to tell me something. I have your love in my heart and it gets me through the day.. knowing how much you love me and the type of life you want me to have. And you left me with something- your strength.
I'm going to do this, and I'm going to do it for you.
Forever and a day,
Chrissy
Oh, here's how I'm feeling today-
I stumbled across your picture today
I could barely breath
The moment stopped me cold,
Grabbed me like a thief.
I dialed your number, but you wouldn't be there
I knew the whole time, but it's still not fair
I just wanted to hear your voice,
I just needed to hear your voice.
What do I do with all I need to say
So much I wanna tell you everyday
Oh it breaks my heart,
I cry these tears in the dark
I write these letters to you,
But they get lost in the blue,
'Cause there's no address in the stars.
Now I'm drivin'
Through the pitch black dark
I'm screaming at the sky
Oh cause it hurts so bad
Everybody tells me
Oh all I need is time
Then the mornin' rolls in
And it hits me again
And that aint nothin' but a lie.
What do I do with all I need to say
So much I wanna tell you everday
Oh it breaks my heart,
I cry these tears in the dark
I write these letters to you,
But they get lost in the blue,
'Cause there's no address in the stars.
Without you here with me,
I don't know what to do.
I'd give anything
Just to talk to you
Oh it breaks my heart,
Oh it breaks my heart,
But all I can do
Is write these letters to you,
But there's no address in the stars.
As time goes on I get increasingly more frustrated with things. For one- the stupid things that people do to abuse the system. If anything came of that blood boiler, you are a true hero. You didn't walk away from your guys; you stood by them, knowing the risks and willing did your job. I cannot even begin to tell you the mass amount of pain I feel, but at the same time, my heart just completely swells with pride. I am so proud of you, more than you will ever know.
It just breaks my heart to live the rest of my life without you. I have never in my whole life felt so alone and empty as I do now without you. I can still feel you around me, but I am terrified that one day I am not going to have that feeling anymore. Scared I am going to forget the things you did or said, forget the way you hugged me or kissed me, even the way you used to pick on the things I would do. I don't want it to go away. I want it to come back. Thing is- I can't bring it back. I can't do a damn thing about it and it drives me crazy.
You know how much of a planner I am and right now my life is in a million pieces. I don't even know where to start putting it back together. I HATE not having a plan and for the past 5 years all of my plans included you. Now what? It's like if I could just talk to you one more time so you could tell me. Where do I go, what do I do? I don't know. I have not a damn clue.
Being here without you is driving me crazy and I hate it.
By the way, I watched p.s. I love you the other night. I remember watching that movie with you. As I half-watched it again things made more sense to me. One part really struck me though as I was doing my homework and I heard something.. It was the last letter.
"Dear Holly, I don't have much time. I don't mean literally, I mean you're out buying ice cream and you'll be home soon. But I have a feeling this is the last letter, because there is only one thing left to tell you. It isn't to go down memory lane or make you buy a lamp, you can take care of yourself without any help from me. It's to tell you how much you move me, how you changed me. You made me a man, by loving me Holly. And for that, I am eternally grateful... literally. If you can promise me anything, promise me that whenever you're sad, or unsure, or you lose complete faith, that you'll try to see yourself through my eyes. Thank you for the honor of being my wife. I'm a man with no regrets. How lucky am I. You made my life, Holly. But I'm just one chapter in yours. There'll be more. I promise. So here it comes, the big one. Don't be afraid to fall in love again. Watch out for that signal, when life as you know it ends. P.S. I will always love you"
Those are things you would tell me. I wasn't even paying attention to that movie and for some reason I heard that, put my textbook down, and looked at the tv. Maybe, just maybe, you were trying to tell me something. I have your love in my heart and it gets me through the day.. knowing how much you love me and the type of life you want me to have. And you left me with something- your strength.
I'm going to do this, and I'm going to do it for you.
Forever and a day,
Chrissy
Oh, here's how I'm feeling today-
I stumbled across your picture today
I could barely breath
The moment stopped me cold,
Grabbed me like a thief.
I dialed your number, but you wouldn't be there
I knew the whole time, but it's still not fair
I just wanted to hear your voice,
I just needed to hear your voice.
What do I do with all I need to say
So much I wanna tell you everyday
Oh it breaks my heart,
I cry these tears in the dark
I write these letters to you,
But they get lost in the blue,
'Cause there's no address in the stars.
Now I'm drivin'
Through the pitch black dark
I'm screaming at the sky
Oh cause it hurts so bad
Everybody tells me
Oh all I need is time
Then the mornin' rolls in
And it hits me again
And that aint nothin' but a lie.
What do I do with all I need to say
So much I wanna tell you everday
Oh it breaks my heart,
I cry these tears in the dark
I write these letters to you,
But they get lost in the blue,
'Cause there's no address in the stars.
Without you here with me,
I don't know what to do.
I'd give anything
Just to talk to you
Oh it breaks my heart,
Oh it breaks my heart,
But all I can do
Is write these letters to you,
But there's no address in the stars.
Monday, October 11, 2010
You knew
As I look back on the time before you left, more and more things are becoming apparent to me. Especially after talking to Hart yesterday. It's all slowly, but surely, making sense. All along I had a bad feeling about this deployment- you knew that. I remember talking to people about it and I even told someone "I don't know, I have bad visions of getting a folded up flag."
No person wants to think they may be the one getting a knock on their front door. So even though these fears rested in the back of my mind, I went on with it thinking it couldn't be me. Things were too perfect and everything was going as planned. The deployment started and I was ready to go, we were going to do this.
Low and behold it was us and all of those fears came true. I think back to things you told me and things I told you. I cried and cried that night before I left Jacksonville. Without saying anything you said "is that what you've been afraid of this whole time" all I blurted out was "I don't want you to die." You pulled me closer and told me it would be okay. But you knew it wasn't okay.
Even that next morning at the airport. I remember the countless 'see you laters' and all the times I went running back into your arms. But that morning at the airport, you made me come back. I cried that whole day when every one tried their hardest telling me that it would be okay and I kept saying "Do you know what I did today? I might not see him again."
Thinking of those things now drives me crazy. There is so much more but not enough time to write it all. As I think about these things it was like one red flag after another. For some reason we neglected them at the time. I really should have broken your legs when I had the chance. We knew. You did, I did.
I know this now because you even made sure there was one person to be there for me. Before you left here for that crap hole you made sure that if this did happen, someone was going to take care of me. Is it a hard reality to face? Yep. And at the same time, it's just another reminder of how much you loved me.
No person wants to think they may be the one getting a knock on their front door. So even though these fears rested in the back of my mind, I went on with it thinking it couldn't be me. Things were too perfect and everything was going as planned. The deployment started and I was ready to go, we were going to do this.
Low and behold it was us and all of those fears came true. I think back to things you told me and things I told you. I cried and cried that night before I left Jacksonville. Without saying anything you said "is that what you've been afraid of this whole time" all I blurted out was "I don't want you to die." You pulled me closer and told me it would be okay. But you knew it wasn't okay.
Even that next morning at the airport. I remember the countless 'see you laters' and all the times I went running back into your arms. But that morning at the airport, you made me come back. I cried that whole day when every one tried their hardest telling me that it would be okay and I kept saying "Do you know what I did today? I might not see him again."
Thinking of those things now drives me crazy. There is so much more but not enough time to write it all. As I think about these things it was like one red flag after another. For some reason we neglected them at the time. I really should have broken your legs when I had the chance. We knew. You did, I did.
I know this now because you even made sure there was one person to be there for me. Before you left here for that crap hole you made sure that if this did happen, someone was going to take care of me. Is it a hard reality to face? Yep. And at the same time, it's just another reminder of how much you loved me.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Old Stuff
It's been a few days since I have been on here. Things have been pretty rough lately. Sunday was just not a good day. I spent some time with your parents and found some more things out. It's just so hard to hear. I swore to myself I wasn't going to cry when I went there this time and yeah, that lasted maybe 15 minutes. The Steelers played Sunday too and it was the game we went to last Christmas:
Earlier though I found some things. First was my old cell phone. As I sat there in tears flipping through old text messages I came across one with sound attached. I pressed play.. It was you and Hart singing my best friend to me at one in the morning. Those tears suddenly became a smile and a laugh. As much as it hurts- the one thing I know in my heart is that you did love me and almost every memory of you has some sort of smile/laugh attached to it.
Like my birthday cards for instance.
The first one I came across you were just so proud of. It had a dog in a purse on the front (since you picked on me for putting daisy in one and making you carry her in it :) and the inside said "It's your birthday, You're entitled to be a bitch." I'm pretty sure I laughed out loud. I can't control my bitchiness sometimes and you of all people know that.
But the next two really just warmed my heart..
"This comes to wish you happiness because your birthday's here, but all the special love it brings is yours all through the years. This comes to thank you for warm memories, the closeness that we share, and all the loving things you do that tell me that you care. Happy Birthday, I love you"
And my favorite..
"When you've got someone beside you, someone strong, caring, supportive, and loving, well, I'm here to tell you- the hard times are easier, the easy times are sweeter, and the sweet times... well, they just make you feel like you've died and gone to heaven. Baby that's just how it feels having you beside me.. I love that feeling- and I love you. Happy Birthday."
I would do anything to hear those words again. Just to feel your arms around me. When you left me at the airport 12 weeks ago, I had no idea that was the last time you would pull me back in to hold me, the last time to kiss me on the forehead promising it would be okay, and the last time I would watch you drive away. I thought it was the last time I would have to say "see you later," but I had no clue it would be this. I keep replaying that trip to J-vegas in my head over and over again. Not even thinking that was going to be it for us. If anything- I'm glad the last times I did spend with you were amazing and nothing can take those memories away from me. Not even this.
My heart hurts.
Earlier though I found some things. First was my old cell phone. As I sat there in tears flipping through old text messages I came across one with sound attached. I pressed play.. It was you and Hart singing my best friend to me at one in the morning. Those tears suddenly became a smile and a laugh. As much as it hurts- the one thing I know in my heart is that you did love me and almost every memory of you has some sort of smile/laugh attached to it.
Like my birthday cards for instance.
The first one I came across you were just so proud of. It had a dog in a purse on the front (since you picked on me for putting daisy in one and making you carry her in it :) and the inside said "It's your birthday, You're entitled to be a bitch." I'm pretty sure I laughed out loud. I can't control my bitchiness sometimes and you of all people know that.
But the next two really just warmed my heart..
"This comes to wish you happiness because your birthday's here, but all the special love it brings is yours all through the years. This comes to thank you for warm memories, the closeness that we share, and all the loving things you do that tell me that you care. Happy Birthday, I love you"
And my favorite..
"When you've got someone beside you, someone strong, caring, supportive, and loving, well, I'm here to tell you- the hard times are easier, the easy times are sweeter, and the sweet times... well, they just make you feel like you've died and gone to heaven. Baby that's just how it feels having you beside me.. I love that feeling- and I love you. Happy Birthday."
I would do anything to hear those words again. Just to feel your arms around me. When you left me at the airport 12 weeks ago, I had no idea that was the last time you would pull me back in to hold me, the last time to kiss me on the forehead promising it would be okay, and the last time I would watch you drive away. I thought it was the last time I would have to say "see you later," but I had no clue it would be this. I keep replaying that trip to J-vegas in my head over and over again. Not even thinking that was going to be it for us. If anything- I'm glad the last times I did spend with you were amazing and nothing can take those memories away from me. Not even this.
My heart hurts.
Friday, October 1, 2010
22nd Birthday
I'm so sad you aren't here to celebrate it. I'm sure you're doing it justice up in the sky but it isn't the same. I did however get out of bed this morning so I should get a gold star for that.
This was your birthday weekend last year:
I'm almost positive you were drunk the entire 72 that weekend. At the time I wasn't exactly thrilled, but i'm so glad you made the most of it.
The only thing getting me through this day is knowing you would want us celebrating for you. Life was a fun party for you and the rest of us should live up to your expectations. I just wish I could change this. It's a hard hit when it's only been 4 weeks and this is the first of the "firsts." I'll be honest- I don't like it one single bit.
I'm such an emotional roller coaster. Last night your friends from high school managed to get some laughs out of me by telling stories. I'm glad that almost all of the memories that include you bring a good laugh with it. That was the kind of person you were and everyone loved you for it.
I miss that. As I drive to school in the mornings and on my way home I can hear your voice. I miss being able to call you on my drive in here. It usually had some good story that you and your fellow marines (a.k.a. boyfriends) were into or what had happened the night before. The way you said things to me, the way you laughed. I want it back.
Today just breaks my heart. I feel like i'm going to live this pain forever and I just want it to go away. That's just not gonna happen until I see you again..
Happy Birthday, Love.
Btw- I just went outside. It couldn't be a more perfect day for you, you're still here <3
This was your birthday weekend last year:
I'm almost positive you were drunk the entire 72 that weekend. At the time I wasn't exactly thrilled, but i'm so glad you made the most of it.
The only thing getting me through this day is knowing you would want us celebrating for you. Life was a fun party for you and the rest of us should live up to your expectations. I just wish I could change this. It's a hard hit when it's only been 4 weeks and this is the first of the "firsts." I'll be honest- I don't like it one single bit.
I'm such an emotional roller coaster. Last night your friends from high school managed to get some laughs out of me by telling stories. I'm glad that almost all of the memories that include you bring a good laugh with it. That was the kind of person you were and everyone loved you for it.
I miss that. As I drive to school in the mornings and on my way home I can hear your voice. I miss being able to call you on my drive in here. It usually had some good story that you and your fellow marines (a.k.a. boyfriends) were into or what had happened the night before. The way you said things to me, the way you laughed. I want it back.
Today just breaks my heart. I feel like i'm going to live this pain forever and I just want it to go away. That's just not gonna happen until I see you again..
Happy Birthday, Love.
Btw- I just went outside. It couldn't be a more perfect day for you, you're still here <3
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