As I continue on this crazy roller coaster.. I'm on the up for now.
I had a good day. I've been "okay." I'm taking it in while I can because I know they don't last long. I've been thinking a lot lately now that my life isn't consumed with school. It has also given my lots and lots of time to sleep. I love sleeping- it's my escape for a while. You can't hurt in your sleep and I always hope that you'll pop into my dreams. I miss you.
Last night when I was on Facebook I was talking to a friend about this song. I didn't quite remember it at first, but when I did, it practically smacked me in the face. I remember you were in Iraq and in an email you asked me if I heard the song Live Our Dream. You told me it was like a response to Just a Dream and it was a Marine that sings it. I went and found it again. I find a new level of comfort in it and it's crazy to me that you of all people pointed it out to me. Did I want these songs to become a reality? Of course not. It usually makes me cry, but it didn't today. It's like I missed the memo before, but I get it now. I love you.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
What's next?
You made my life, Holly. But I'm just one chapter in yours. There will be more. I promise. So here it comes, the big one. Don't be afraid to fall in love again. Watch out for that signal, when life as you know it ends.
Someone reminded me of this quote today. Is it true? Yes. But where do you go in life after something like this happens? September 2nd, 7:42 am, my whole life fell apart. We had a plan and it was working out perfectly. Now what? How in the world do you ever move on from something like this? I often wonder if I'm going to have to settle in life. Am I going to get married one day and think, "this isn't how it was supposed to be." I'm obviously going to live with this forever.
I constantly question why God put you in my life just to rip you away. Why would he do that? I'm sure there is some "bigger" picture, but I'm not seeing it. Maybe he needed you, but I swear I needed you more. I remember telling you the last time we talked how I wasn't strong. Is this to prove something? I don't understand. Actually, I probably never will. I will continue to question it. Why me? Why do I have to start over? What do I do?
I read a blog today that really struck me. Karie over at Wife of a Wounded Marine summed up this grieving thing pretty well in Grief=Bi Polar:
"You want all of these things that don't go together. Together none of it makes sense. You miss someone so much, and you want them back so bad, yet, you are falling for someone else. You have all these dreams that you are going for and that you want so bad, except if you could go back to the past and give this all up, you would."
Anytime I start to feel a little happy, I take a step back. I remember you and what we were supposed to have. It makes me feel like life with someone else won't be fair because I will always be longing to have you back. Not to mention, I feel like I'm living my life in fear. God took you away- what's to stop him from taking more? I'm afraid to be happy and let control be with the higher power again. I don't want to hurt anymore. It's a constant pain dealing with this.
How do you feel happy again? How do you trust again? Life has suddenly become a very scary thing for me. I don't know where to go or what to do and I'm afraid to just let go and live it. I know I should live life for you, but it's so hard without you. I have to start over and change all of my plans. I just wish I could have you back for 10 minutes so I knew what to do. What you would want me to do. I wish more than anything that I had the answer to that question. We had that conversation 1 time and I blocked it out because I couldn't believe it was discussed. Now I wish I remembered, but it's all just a blur. I don't want to disappoint you. I just want to feel happy again.
P.S. for old times sake- why weren't you under my Christmas tree? ;)
I can't believe that was 5 years ago.. Doesn't seem like it though. Oh and I survived yesterday. I managed to sleep most of the day. I ate Christmas dinner in my sweats, hoodie, and hair from the night before. I spent some time with your family too. I didn't act like it was Christmas and even though it was hard, I made it. Just another bump in a very long road..
Someone reminded me of this quote today. Is it true? Yes. But where do you go in life after something like this happens? September 2nd, 7:42 am, my whole life fell apart. We had a plan and it was working out perfectly. Now what? How in the world do you ever move on from something like this? I often wonder if I'm going to have to settle in life. Am I going to get married one day and think, "this isn't how it was supposed to be." I'm obviously going to live with this forever.
I constantly question why God put you in my life just to rip you away. Why would he do that? I'm sure there is some "bigger" picture, but I'm not seeing it. Maybe he needed you, but I swear I needed you more. I remember telling you the last time we talked how I wasn't strong. Is this to prove something? I don't understand. Actually, I probably never will. I will continue to question it. Why me? Why do I have to start over? What do I do?
I read a blog today that really struck me. Karie over at Wife of a Wounded Marine summed up this grieving thing pretty well in Grief=Bi Polar:
"You want all of these things that don't go together. Together none of it makes sense. You miss someone so much, and you want them back so bad, yet, you are falling for someone else. You have all these dreams that you are going for and that you want so bad, except if you could go back to the past and give this all up, you would."
Anytime I start to feel a little happy, I take a step back. I remember you and what we were supposed to have. It makes me feel like life with someone else won't be fair because I will always be longing to have you back. Not to mention, I feel like I'm living my life in fear. God took you away- what's to stop him from taking more? I'm afraid to be happy and let control be with the higher power again. I don't want to hurt anymore. It's a constant pain dealing with this.
How do you feel happy again? How do you trust again? Life has suddenly become a very scary thing for me. I don't know where to go or what to do and I'm afraid to just let go and live it. I know I should live life for you, but it's so hard without you. I have to start over and change all of my plans. I just wish I could have you back for 10 minutes so I knew what to do. What you would want me to do. I wish more than anything that I had the answer to that question. We had that conversation 1 time and I blocked it out because I couldn't believe it was discussed. Now I wish I remembered, but it's all just a blur. I don't want to disappoint you. I just want to feel happy again.
P.S. for old times sake- why weren't you under my Christmas tree? ;)
I can't believe that was 5 years ago.. Doesn't seem like it though. Oh and I survived yesterday. I managed to sleep most of the day. I ate Christmas dinner in my sweats, hoodie, and hair from the night before. I spent some time with your family too. I didn't act like it was Christmas and even though it was hard, I made it. Just another bump in a very long road..
Friday, December 24, 2010
Modern Day Scrooge
For good reason that is. This is awful. I knew the holidays were going to be hard, but it's so much worse. I keep thinking if you were still deployed you would be calling home (a little disappointed that you weren't here) and excited that you would be home soon. Instead- no call home, no "knowing" you'll be home soon, no being thankful that we have each other. Nothing. I remembered when I thought you being deployed over the holidays was hard. HA! I had no idea how much worse it could really be.
I went to my first steeler game without you. It wasn't as fun and definitely less beer :)
I glanced up to the big screen on a commerical break. They were showing this woman in her house, all dressed up, decorated for Christmas, singing Christmas carols. Pointless, or so it seemed. Guess what? A man in uniform comes walking in and hugs her. F.M.L. That would happen to me.
Oh, and on the way home I got pulled over. Here's how this conversation went;
Cop: Hi mam, everything is audio and video recorded tonight. I need your license, registration, and proof of insurance. (Then he says what I did)
Me: Okay, sorry, one second
Cop: Where are you coming from?
Me: The Steeler game
Cop: Oh, yeah? What was the score?
Me: 27-3 (as I hand him my stuff)
Cop: Well then, I'll just give you a warning.
Score. You would've been proud. Beats the town clown that pulled me over before and I called you crying. Good stuff babe.
So today I went to Giant Eagle getting a few last minute things. I kept running into this same guy throughout the store. Finally at the register he was behind me again and we started talking. I told him about you. Turns out he is a Marine Veteran that served in Vietnam. He was telling me how sorry he was and about the war memorial in D.C. I was intrigued by this man and its funny that I ran into him so many times. As I walked away he told me sorry again and to have a Merry Christmas.
I got in my car and cried the whole way home. I don't want to have a Merry Christmas. You know me and that I am the Christmas guru. I put up my tree super early, I bake tons and tons of cookies, I have my Christmas shopping down to a science, and I wrap everybody and their brothers gifts.
This year I didn't decorate. I didn't bake a single thing, I didn't go Christmas shopping until the last minute (and I cried and was so mean the entire time). It's 1 pm on Christmas eve, and I haven't wrapped a single gift.
Oh and ironically enough I turned on A League of Their Own, and it's the part where the woman gets notified that her husband died. Crying all over again. It's awful. Soooo out of character for me, but I don't even care. I just want to sleep it away. No matter where I go or what I do, I don't stop thinking about you or missing you. My heart breaks a little more each day and as I pass through another hurdle on this long journey. I just want you back in my life. I don't want to do this without you anymore.
In any case, I hope you're watching close by and have a good Christmas in the clouds. Stay close.
Merry Christmas, love <3
I went to my first steeler game without you. It wasn't as fun and definitely less beer :)
I glanced up to the big screen on a commerical break. They were showing this woman in her house, all dressed up, decorated for Christmas, singing Christmas carols. Pointless, or so it seemed. Guess what? A man in uniform comes walking in and hugs her. F.M.L. That would happen to me.
Oh, and on the way home I got pulled over. Here's how this conversation went;
Cop: Hi mam, everything is audio and video recorded tonight. I need your license, registration, and proof of insurance. (Then he says what I did)
Me: Okay, sorry, one second
Cop: Where are you coming from?
Me: The Steeler game
Cop: Oh, yeah? What was the score?
Me: 27-3 (as I hand him my stuff)
Cop: Well then, I'll just give you a warning.
Score. You would've been proud. Beats the town clown that pulled me over before and I called you crying. Good stuff babe.
So today I went to Giant Eagle getting a few last minute things. I kept running into this same guy throughout the store. Finally at the register he was behind me again and we started talking. I told him about you. Turns out he is a Marine Veteran that served in Vietnam. He was telling me how sorry he was and about the war memorial in D.C. I was intrigued by this man and its funny that I ran into him so many times. As I walked away he told me sorry again and to have a Merry Christmas.
I got in my car and cried the whole way home. I don't want to have a Merry Christmas. You know me and that I am the Christmas guru. I put up my tree super early, I bake tons and tons of cookies, I have my Christmas shopping down to a science, and I wrap everybody and their brothers gifts.
This year I didn't decorate. I didn't bake a single thing, I didn't go Christmas shopping until the last minute (and I cried and was so mean the entire time). It's 1 pm on Christmas eve, and I haven't wrapped a single gift.
Oh and ironically enough I turned on A League of Their Own, and it's the part where the woman gets notified that her husband died. Crying all over again. It's awful. Soooo out of character for me, but I don't even care. I just want to sleep it away. No matter where I go or what I do, I don't stop thinking about you or missing you. My heart breaks a little more each day and as I pass through another hurdle on this long journey. I just want you back in my life. I don't want to do this without you anymore.
In any case, I hope you're watching close by and have a good Christmas in the clouds. Stay close.
Merry Christmas, love <3
Thursday, December 16, 2010
The strength in me..
.. is you.
That's what I've come to realize lately. That's how you live on in me, by getting me through each day. I know that I wouldn't have been able to do the things I've done without you and that's how I know you're still here.
I think you would be pretty proud of me right now. For the first time in 3.5 months, I had a pretty good day yesterday. Maybe a little happy? I feel like I've lost the meaning of that word, but it was still a good day. So far I have gotten A's in 3/6 classes. I just might pull off a 4.0 for the semester. How bout that? I was doomed from the first week of class and still managed to do okay.
Homecoming is getting close. A whole lot of bittersweet. I am excited to see your friends and be close to them. At the same time, its the harsh realization that you aren't stepping off of those buses with them. I need to go. I need to go and spend time with the people that you were the closest with. It helps me to be with them and maybe it'll be like that for them too. For a while I struggled with it because I didn't think I could do it. The more I think about it, the more I realize you would want me to go. You'll be there too giving me the strength to get through it.
The care package drive, this semester, homecoming, all of it. I couldn't have/can't do any of it without you. I find the comfort in that because you've been pushing me all along and I didn't even realize it. As time goes on I realize that you continue to give me things in life even though you aren't physically here. Your love and strength is going to get me through this life. I'm not totally alone. You left me with a lot of people watching out for me and to help me along when I need it. I'm so thankful for that.
I love your friends. Every single one of them. I regret not getting to know them better before, but now I am getting the chance to and I realize more and more each day how great they are. They know you and how much you love me. Because of that, they will do anything for me. If it wasn't for some of them I wouldn't have gotten this far. It's all because of you. Being closer to them makes me feel closer to you. They remind me of you and it's a comfort to have that. It really is a family and I wish more people knew how amazing it is.
It's going to be a long road, but I'm going to make it and you're going to be proud.
That's what I've come to realize lately. That's how you live on in me, by getting me through each day. I know that I wouldn't have been able to do the things I've done without you and that's how I know you're still here.
I think you would be pretty proud of me right now. For the first time in 3.5 months, I had a pretty good day yesterday. Maybe a little happy? I feel like I've lost the meaning of that word, but it was still a good day. So far I have gotten A's in 3/6 classes. I just might pull off a 4.0 for the semester. How bout that? I was doomed from the first week of class and still managed to do okay.
Homecoming is getting close. A whole lot of bittersweet. I am excited to see your friends and be close to them. At the same time, its the harsh realization that you aren't stepping off of those buses with them. I need to go. I need to go and spend time with the people that you were the closest with. It helps me to be with them and maybe it'll be like that for them too. For a while I struggled with it because I didn't think I could do it. The more I think about it, the more I realize you would want me to go. You'll be there too giving me the strength to get through it.
The care package drive, this semester, homecoming, all of it. I couldn't have/can't do any of it without you. I find the comfort in that because you've been pushing me all along and I didn't even realize it. As time goes on I realize that you continue to give me things in life even though you aren't physically here. Your love and strength is going to get me through this life. I'm not totally alone. You left me with a lot of people watching out for me and to help me along when I need it. I'm so thankful for that.
I love your friends. Every single one of them. I regret not getting to know them better before, but now I am getting the chance to and I realize more and more each day how great they are. They know you and how much you love me. Because of that, they will do anything for me. If it wasn't for some of them I wouldn't have gotten this far. It's all because of you. Being closer to them makes me feel closer to you. They remind me of you and it's a comfort to have that. It really is a family and I wish more people knew how amazing it is.
It's going to be a long road, but I'm going to make it and you're going to be proud.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Gettin kicked while you're already down
I am so sick of this. No matter what- things keep getting worse. I am tired of being miserable all the time. I am tired of everyday being such a struggle. I just want my life back; to be "normal" again. It feels like everyone else in this world is happy but me.
For the first time in my life I don't give a crap about Christmas. You know me, the OCD planner, I plan my Christmas shopping, bake up to my eyeballs, decorate my pink tree, and wrap just about everyone's gifts. This year I don't care to do anything. I started Christmas shopping and I just didn't want to. I went into AE to find stuff for my brother and as I stood there I got tears in my eyes. I've spent the last five years doing that for you. If I would have known last year was our last Christmas I would have done things differently.
I just want to be happy. Just for a day. I think I forgot what that feels like. My heart is broken in so many places. It can't be fixed. It will never be totally be fixed. I don't understand why I have to live like this. How is it fair that I have to live in this hell every single day? I'm tired of everyone telling me how long it's going to take for this to get better. They have no idea how hard it is to just get through a day. I shouldn't have to do this everyday. I'm not sure why God thought that I could handle anymore in my life because I just can't.
The word I hate more than anything- time.
Living my own personal nightmare on a daily basis. It's just freakin awesome. I want out. I don't want to do it anymore. I'm going to waste how much more of my life because it's going to take "time." I shouldn't have to do this. I shouldn't have to wait for my life to get better.
Over it.
For the first time in my life I don't give a crap about Christmas. You know me, the OCD planner, I plan my Christmas shopping, bake up to my eyeballs, decorate my pink tree, and wrap just about everyone's gifts. This year I don't care to do anything. I started Christmas shopping and I just didn't want to. I went into AE to find stuff for my brother and as I stood there I got tears in my eyes. I've spent the last five years doing that for you. If I would have known last year was our last Christmas I would have done things differently.
I just want to be happy. Just for a day. I think I forgot what that feels like. My heart is broken in so many places. It can't be fixed. It will never be totally be fixed. I don't understand why I have to live like this. How is it fair that I have to live in this hell every single day? I'm tired of everyone telling me how long it's going to take for this to get better. They have no idea how hard it is to just get through a day. I shouldn't have to do this everyday. I'm not sure why God thought that I could handle anymore in my life because I just can't.
The word I hate more than anything- time.
Living my own personal nightmare on a daily basis. It's just freakin awesome. I want out. I don't want to do it anymore. I'm going to waste how much more of my life because it's going to take "time." I shouldn't have to do this. I shouldn't have to wait for my life to get better.
Over it.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Disgusted
Thanks to Associated Press writer/photographer I will forever have it plastered in my head what your last moments were like. Brennan Linsley, I sure hope you're proud of yourself. I'm glad you send "courtesy" letters to warn the family and tell them there was nothing they could do about it. Did you ever stop to think what this would do? Just so you know I've gotten no sleep and been ridiculously sick ALL day. Thanks, I appreciate it.
You want reality? You want America to know? I'll tell you. Walk in my shoes for one day and see how you like it. Americans are aware of what is going on over there. Many families are suffering this same pain every single day. They never forget. From the time you open your eyes until the time you close them again- you remember. The constant pain and hurt of losing someone you love in a war. Missing them. Longing to have them back. Crying, screaming, being angry. All of it. Do you have any idea what that's like?
Thank you for contributing to that hurt. Now I will have that picture and that text in my mind forever. I found out what his final moments were like with the rest of America. I wasn't ready for that and I sure as hell didn't want to hear it from you.
Josh didn't die for someone to make a spectacle out of him or for you to make America "aware." In all reality- most people still do not care. It's his loved ones that you hurt. The ones suffering through this everyday. The ones struggling to get out of bed in the morning and make it through the day. He was the hero. For his last moments to be plastered all through the news in this country is just disturbing to me. What kind of man sits there watching someone die and takes pictures? It's sick.
I knew the media had some serious downfalls since all of this happened, but this went thousands of yards past the line. It is unreal to me. It's insensitive and hurtful. It has only been three months- 90 days. No person deserve to see the person they love in those conditions.
Josh and LCpl Carver are heroes and they should never have been remembered in that manner. They didn't deserve that. The families didn't deserve that.
Next time you want reality- follow me for a while. I'll show you what it's like to make a sacrifice for this country. You make think you know, but you have no idea.
You want reality? You want America to know? I'll tell you. Walk in my shoes for one day and see how you like it. Americans are aware of what is going on over there. Many families are suffering this same pain every single day. They never forget. From the time you open your eyes until the time you close them again- you remember. The constant pain and hurt of losing someone you love in a war. Missing them. Longing to have them back. Crying, screaming, being angry. All of it. Do you have any idea what that's like?
Thank you for contributing to that hurt. Now I will have that picture and that text in my mind forever. I found out what his final moments were like with the rest of America. I wasn't ready for that and I sure as hell didn't want to hear it from you.
Josh didn't die for someone to make a spectacle out of him or for you to make America "aware." In all reality- most people still do not care. It's his loved ones that you hurt. The ones suffering through this everyday. The ones struggling to get out of bed in the morning and make it through the day. He was the hero. For his last moments to be plastered all through the news in this country is just disturbing to me. What kind of man sits there watching someone die and takes pictures? It's sick.
I knew the media had some serious downfalls since all of this happened, but this went thousands of yards past the line. It is unreal to me. It's insensitive and hurtful. It has only been three months- 90 days. No person deserve to see the person they love in those conditions.
Josh and LCpl Carver are heroes and they should never have been remembered in that manner. They didn't deserve that. The families didn't deserve that.
Next time you want reality- follow me for a while. I'll show you what it's like to make a sacrifice for this country. You make think you know, but you have no idea.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
3 months
I'm not really sure why, but this one has hit hard. Last night when I finally realized what it was I lost it. Sobbing to the point where I couldn't breathe and thought my head was going to explode. It was awful. I don't know why it got so bad but it felt like I got hit by a million pounds of bricks.
Not to mention it's another Thursday. Nothing has gone right today and I just want to go back to bed. I hate 2's and I hate Thursdays. This isn't getting any easier. I feel a little stronger as the days pass, but it's not any easier. I miss you more each day and it's going to be an eternity before I see you again.
A whole 90 days since this happened and it still feels like it was last week. I just think how close we would be to finishing this deployment. With the holidays it would have flown by. I really don't even care for Christmas this year. I don't want anything, nor do I really want to give. I'd rather be a scrooge and lay in bed all day. Honestly, I might do that. I don't want to be around people or for them to force me to put on a smile. I just don't want to.
I miss you more and more each day. I constantly question why this had to happen to us. We were so happy and everything was falling into place. I wouldn't want anyone to live this life, but out of alllllllllllll those guys, why did it have to be you? I am going to ask myself that question for the rest of my life.
Not to mention it just dawned on me like 2 days ago that I'm technically "single." I hate that. It makes me sick to my stomach. I'm not sure why, but it didn't register before. After five years, I don't know how to be single. I don't want to be single. I don't want to be with someone else. I want you and I can't have you. I hate feeling like I'm going to have to settle in my life. Feeling like I'm just going to do what I need to do to get by. It's not fair.
I have such a longing to be happy. I want someone to be there. Someone to just give me a hug and say it is going to be okay. I can't though because it's not you. Not to mention if there ever is someone else I'm sure I'll be criticized to the moon and back. I'm just so sick and tired of being miserable all the time. I don't know how people can live this life forever, not to mention doing it alone.
I'm a strong believer in the fact that you will guide me in the right direction. If I could, I would fast forward my life a few years. Maybe I'll be happier, maybe I'll hurt a little less. No matter where I go in life or what I do- I'll never stop loving you. A day will never go by that I won't miss you. I'll always wonder what could have been. I'll always think about you and you'll live in my heart and memories forever. It's not how I pictured our forever, but it will have to do.
I haven't told you lately, but I'm still so proud of you. The CACO is bringing your bronze star next week. It's bittersweet. I'm so glad you're being recognized for what you did and that it truly matters. At the same time, it's another stop by the reality train. I'll always be proud of you- who you were and what you did. It really is amazing and not many people can say that.
While you're at it- keep watching over Jenna. Lee needs you right now.
I miss you more than you'll ever know.
Not to mention it's another Thursday. Nothing has gone right today and I just want to go back to bed. I hate 2's and I hate Thursdays. This isn't getting any easier. I feel a little stronger as the days pass, but it's not any easier. I miss you more each day and it's going to be an eternity before I see you again.
A whole 90 days since this happened and it still feels like it was last week. I just think how close we would be to finishing this deployment. With the holidays it would have flown by. I really don't even care for Christmas this year. I don't want anything, nor do I really want to give. I'd rather be a scrooge and lay in bed all day. Honestly, I might do that. I don't want to be around people or for them to force me to put on a smile. I just don't want to.
I miss you more and more each day. I constantly question why this had to happen to us. We were so happy and everything was falling into place. I wouldn't want anyone to live this life, but out of alllllllllllll those guys, why did it have to be you? I am going to ask myself that question for the rest of my life.
Not to mention it just dawned on me like 2 days ago that I'm technically "single." I hate that. It makes me sick to my stomach. I'm not sure why, but it didn't register before. After five years, I don't know how to be single. I don't want to be single. I don't want to be with someone else. I want you and I can't have you. I hate feeling like I'm going to have to settle in my life. Feeling like I'm just going to do what I need to do to get by. It's not fair.
I have such a longing to be happy. I want someone to be there. Someone to just give me a hug and say it is going to be okay. I can't though because it's not you. Not to mention if there ever is someone else I'm sure I'll be criticized to the moon and back. I'm just so sick and tired of being miserable all the time. I don't know how people can live this life forever, not to mention doing it alone.
I'm a strong believer in the fact that you will guide me in the right direction. If I could, I would fast forward my life a few years. Maybe I'll be happier, maybe I'll hurt a little less. No matter where I go in life or what I do- I'll never stop loving you. A day will never go by that I won't miss you. I'll always wonder what could have been. I'll always think about you and you'll live in my heart and memories forever. It's not how I pictured our forever, but it will have to do.
I haven't told you lately, but I'm still so proud of you. The CACO is bringing your bronze star next week. It's bittersweet. I'm so glad you're being recognized for what you did and that it truly matters. At the same time, it's another stop by the reality train. I'll always be proud of you- who you were and what you did. It really is amazing and not many people can say that.
While you're at it- keep watching over Jenna. Lee needs you right now.
I miss you more than you'll ever know.
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