Helps my mood. Drastically.
I've noticed lately that I feel a little better about the day when it's not dark and gloomy. Living in Pennsylvania, you know the winters suck. I could handle them if we at least got some sunlight. But the countless days of clouds and gloom is a killer. Not to mention it's dark at like 5 so that's no help either.
Today is different though. The suns out and I feel okay. I like my okay days and maybe today will even be good (I don't know yet). The bad days seem a little less and that alone makes me happy. It's not any fun living life with a little rain cloud floating above your head. You don't realize how happy you were until you can't get rid of your cloud.
Oh, and it's Saint Patrick's day! Maybe today will be a lucky day. Probably not though because I seem to have the worst luck ever. Although today is the perfect day for some Little Green Man festivities. How convenient that it is a Thursday. I mean really.. IUP has turned Saint Patrick's day into another homecoming weekend and reason for people to sell obnoxious t-shirts in the oak grove and get ridiculously intoxicated. All in good fun. I plan on joining later.. not gonna lie.
Another good thing about today- busting out the flip flops. 60 degrees is sufficient I think. I'm just all over the place today. Weather must be good for the soul. I should seriously consider moving South once I'm done with school. Winter just isn't healthy if you ask me. Really- no wonder people are depressed. It's cold and gloomy all the time. It just makes it that much worse when you're going through a rough spot.
Well, hopefully this weather sticks around. Until then I'm going to continue enjoying my day. I'm leaving work shortly and I do believe a nail appointment is calling my name. Then it's out and about. I'll drink one for you, love. Miss you <3
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
And if you wanna know how a girl survives,
just look by her side.
Found that quote while I was at work not studying for my test (I know, "Christina what did I tell you," don't worry, babe) and playing on picnik. Pretty proud of my final product..
Fun.
What is that? I went out on Saturday and I can honestly say I had a good time. I smiled. I laughed. I danced. And to get a legit one of either of those, it's hard. Sure, I have had fun other times. But, days like that don't happen very often for me. To just let go.. push the pain and everything else away for a little while. Not to mention, Joshua, I think you would have been proud haha.
The thing that sucks, that most people don't understand, is one tiny tiny little thing that upsets me or causes an ounce of drama throws me into a whirlwind. Not just for a little while. For DAYS. It's ridiculous and it sucks so bad. Some drama went down over a two hour period last night. Which ultimately just turns into me crying and hating my life. Hating where I am and without you. The times that I long to have you more than anything else in the world. The times where you would have made it all better. I HATE IT.
Seriously. It just sets you off and it's like taking a step back. The little things break you down and I'm not sure why. Maybe because I can't handle a lot. I'm not really sure. What makes me the most mad about it is I'm over stupid high school/childish problems. My problems in life these days are a lot larger than a good ole game of he said, she said. Annoying.
I try real hard to avoid people and things that will end up doing this, but sometimes it just happens. It's not healthy and for the people doing it- get a life. The world doesn't revolve around you. I have more important things to do with my time instead of dealing with an emotional mess. Sometimes (more like usually) I just can't handle it and it makes me miss you. When you're already knocked down, added nonsense is no help. In a way I feel like I'm still building up that strength and dealing with this every single day is so incredibly draining so maybe that's why the littlest thing pushes it over the edge. I really don't know.
So, now I need to snap out of it. Maybe some IUPatty's celebration tomorrow? Who knows. Gotta represent for you :)
Found that quote while I was at work not studying for my test (I know, "Christina what did I tell you," don't worry, babe) and playing on picnik. Pretty proud of my final product..
Fun.
What is that? I went out on Saturday and I can honestly say I had a good time. I smiled. I laughed. I danced. And to get a legit one of either of those, it's hard. Sure, I have had fun other times. But, days like that don't happen very often for me. To just let go.. push the pain and everything else away for a little while. Not to mention, Joshua, I think you would have been proud haha.
The thing that sucks, that most people don't understand, is one tiny tiny little thing that upsets me or causes an ounce of drama throws me into a whirlwind. Not just for a little while. For DAYS. It's ridiculous and it sucks so bad. Some drama went down over a two hour period last night. Which ultimately just turns into me crying and hating my life. Hating where I am and without you. The times that I long to have you more than anything else in the world. The times where you would have made it all better. I HATE IT.
Seriously. It just sets you off and it's like taking a step back. The little things break you down and I'm not sure why. Maybe because I can't handle a lot. I'm not really sure. What makes me the most mad about it is I'm over stupid high school/childish problems. My problems in life these days are a lot larger than a good ole game of he said, she said. Annoying.
I try real hard to avoid people and things that will end up doing this, but sometimes it just happens. It's not healthy and for the people doing it- get a life. The world doesn't revolve around you. I have more important things to do with my time instead of dealing with an emotional mess. Sometimes (more like usually) I just can't handle it and it makes me miss you. When you're already knocked down, added nonsense is no help. In a way I feel like I'm still building up that strength and dealing with this every single day is so incredibly draining so maybe that's why the littlest thing pushes it over the edge. I really don't know.
So, now I need to snap out of it. Maybe some IUPatty's celebration tomorrow? Who knows. Gotta represent for you :)
Friday, March 11, 2011
How low can you go?
I don't know what the heck is going on with me, but I don't like it. I feel like I just keep falling further and further down. Asking myself when it is going to get better. I think I'm just at a point where I feel so incredibly alone without you and who do you turn to? I know a million people say they are there for me and I am thankful for that. Really though, it's not the same. I'm lacking that role in my life and adjusting to living without it is so hard.
As usual, the days are fine. I went shopping today (which I really need to stop doing) and I went to dinner with a couple friends. I smiled. I laughed.
And then I came home.
I have said it a thousand times, but I hate being home at night. It allows you to think.. too much. You get to this point where you feel desperate. Trying to fill that void and you just can't. Not to mention anyone who truly cares I have pushed away and let in the idiots who ultimately ended up hurting me some more. Just my luck, right? Typical situation.
I just want to be okay again. Whatever that even is. Today has just been a lot of reminders. Reminders that you're gone and I'm alone. I hate those days. They flat out suck. For a little while things were going pretty smooth and now I feel like I took steps back.
I've done absolutely nothing this week. I'm on spring break so really that's what you do over break. BUT I realized the ridiculous amount of homework I have to get done before Tuesday and I just don't want to. Part of me wishes I would have taken more time off because I'm burned out. This life is draining. Then again, maybe not being in school this week is what let me fall back. I don't know.
On a lighter note.. A 2/9 Dad is having a walk in honor of the Fallen 2/9 Marines on March 26, 2011 in Trussville, Alabama. The proceeds are benefiting the Wounded Warrior Project. You can find the information here: 10 Mile Rock
Go check it out. It's a good cause.
As usual, the days are fine. I went shopping today (which I really need to stop doing) and I went to dinner with a couple friends. I smiled. I laughed.
And then I came home.
I have said it a thousand times, but I hate being home at night. It allows you to think.. too much. You get to this point where you feel desperate. Trying to fill that void and you just can't. Not to mention anyone who truly cares I have pushed away and let in the idiots who ultimately ended up hurting me some more. Just my luck, right? Typical situation.
I just want to be okay again. Whatever that even is. Today has just been a lot of reminders. Reminders that you're gone and I'm alone. I hate those days. They flat out suck. For a little while things were going pretty smooth and now I feel like I took steps back.
I've done absolutely nothing this week. I'm on spring break so really that's what you do over break. BUT I realized the ridiculous amount of homework I have to get done before Tuesday and I just don't want to. Part of me wishes I would have taken more time off because I'm burned out. This life is draining. Then again, maybe not being in school this week is what let me fall back. I don't know.
On a lighter note.. A 2/9 Dad is having a walk in honor of the Fallen 2/9 Marines on March 26, 2011 in Trussville, Alabama. The proceeds are benefiting the Wounded Warrior Project. You can find the information here: 10 Mile Rock
Go check it out. It's a good cause.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Rough
Six months is killing. Things have been, well, hard. I miss you.
I was cleaning up my room tonight now that the new windows are in and I put my shelf back together. I stood there. Just looking at it. It's so depressing and all I can say is "really?!" This is what I have left?
Of all the people in the world, this is the hand I was dealt. Why me? I've been trying to stay positive lately, but it gets hard to try and fake it. It's only been six months. Honestly it feels way longer than that.
If I sat here and said I wasn't getting better that would be a lie because each day is another baby step forward. At the same time, these are super small steps and it still hurts. It's still fresh. Not to mention I'm super angry lately. Angry that I'm hurting and just want my life back. Angry that you got taken away from me before I was ready.
Everyone is on leave now. At home, with their families. Here I am. Just doing what I've been doing all along with myself. It freakin sucks. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for everyone, but that doesn't make it any easier knowing I have nothing.
I'm really struggling with where to go next and finding myself. It's like you get lost, but you're never finding who you were again because so much changes. Not to mention how much I hate being alone. I miss having someone to just lay on the couch and watch a movie with or to just take a nap. Being alone is lame. I don't want another boyfriend, but it's kinda nice when you have some company.
I miss my old life. Who I was. Us being together. Things have to get better at some point. But the further I get from September 2nd, the further I feel from you. It's realizing more everyday that you aren't coming back. I hate that. I just want to talk to you. I feel like if I could just talk to you one more time, but I know I would still want one more after that.
This isn't fun, babe. Not one bit. I really don't like doing this without you.
I was cleaning up my room tonight now that the new windows are in and I put my shelf back together. I stood there. Just looking at it. It's so depressing and all I can say is "really?!" This is what I have left?
Of all the people in the world, this is the hand I was dealt. Why me? I've been trying to stay positive lately, but it gets hard to try and fake it. It's only been six months. Honestly it feels way longer than that.
If I sat here and said I wasn't getting better that would be a lie because each day is another baby step forward. At the same time, these are super small steps and it still hurts. It's still fresh. Not to mention I'm super angry lately. Angry that I'm hurting and just want my life back. Angry that you got taken away from me before I was ready.
Everyone is on leave now. At home, with their families. Here I am. Just doing what I've been doing all along with myself. It freakin sucks. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for everyone, but that doesn't make it any easier knowing I have nothing.
I'm really struggling with where to go next and finding myself. It's like you get lost, but you're never finding who you were again because so much changes. Not to mention how much I hate being alone. I miss having someone to just lay on the couch and watch a movie with or to just take a nap. Being alone is lame. I don't want another boyfriend, but it's kinda nice when you have some company.
I miss my old life. Who I was. Us being together. Things have to get better at some point. But the further I get from September 2nd, the further I feel from you. It's realizing more everyday that you aren't coming back. I hate that. I just want to talk to you. I feel like if I could just talk to you one more time, but I know I would still want one more after that.
This isn't fun, babe. Not one bit. I really don't like doing this without you.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Be Thankful
I know I have been slightly MIA from my blog home, but it seems to happen when I get into one of my funks. I just can't come up with anything that seems like its worthy to write about. I'll think about it and I come up with a whole lot of nothing. Until today that is.
I learned something. People in this country are pathetic. Seriously all people do is whine and complain about every little single thing. If one thing doesn't go their way they are bitching about it. I don't know how many times I look at my news feed each day to see complaint after complaint after complaint.
I bet you can't guess which one bothers me the most? People bitching about their husbands not coming home on time. Here's an idea folks- BE HAPPY HE'S COMING HOME! You know why? Because 5,494 haven't come home. And it's never, "Sucks Tommy (random name) has no idea when he's getting back, I'm just so thankful to have him coming home." Oh, no. It's the "oh my god Marine Corps I effing hate you I just want my husband back right now." Well, take it from someone who knows- getting them back late beats getting them back in a freakin box.
Remember how everyone used to talk about how they couldn't stand how their civilian friends bitching about their boyfriends being gone for a weekend? Well. That's kinda how I feel about deployments now. I know some people are probably thinking "Oh my god, bitch!" Right about now. But think about it. Look at it from my point of view and then think about what you have.
Then there are the people who will go on and on and on about something, but they won't do anything about it. Pick one. Complain and fix it or don't say anything. I know I complain too, but I try not too. And in light of lent that's what I'm going to give up. Complaining.
I know things in my life aren't exactly peaches and cream right now. However, there is someone somewhere in this world that is worse off than me. I have a roof over my head, food on the table, clothes on my body, a family, friends, I'm going to college. Those are things that a lot of people in this world have zero access to.
Americans are so blind to the opportunities we have in this country. The freedom to do as we please. The rights that we have. That isn't the case everywhere and we wouldn't have those if men and women weren't dying for this country. From day 1 of this grand ole land someone was paying the price for that freedom. Please don't forget that or ever take it for granted. Take it from someone who paid a big tab. How many people do you know would give up their life for their country? I bet you couldn't maybe fill up a hand.
We're so incredibly fortunate for what we have here. I'm so thankful that I was born and raised in this country. Thankful for the opportunity to do whatever I want in my life. To say what I want, to be what I want, to travel to wherever I want. For some reason a lot of people don't care. It's merely become and expectation to do/have whatever we please. It's sad. And when things don't go our way? We whine like babies. Honestly what is this world coming to..? Just because we live in America and we're free we act like everything should literally be handed to us just like that and the way we want it. Nope, doesn't work that way. Take what you get and make the best of it.
You know. I know more widows than I would like (not because I don't love them, but because we all got thrown into this crap without say). And you know what? They have a pretty shitty hand. A lot of them with children, some that never met their fathers, and they are still living life. Thankful for what is in front of them because you don't have a choice but to live and to deal with what you have. They learned the hard way even if they were thankful before.
Here's my message to you all.. take a look at what you have. Be thankful for it. Those of you with deployed loved ones: they're alive and they love you. The ones at home: be glad they are there with you and enjoy every moment.
Don't take anything in life for granted because I can assure you that it can be ripped away before you even have time to take another breath.
I learned something. People in this country are pathetic. Seriously all people do is whine and complain about every little single thing. If one thing doesn't go their way they are bitching about it. I don't know how many times I look at my news feed each day to see complaint after complaint after complaint.
I bet you can't guess which one bothers me the most? People bitching about their husbands not coming home on time. Here's an idea folks- BE HAPPY HE'S COMING HOME! You know why? Because 5,494 haven't come home. And it's never, "Sucks Tommy (random name) has no idea when he's getting back, I'm just so thankful to have him coming home." Oh, no. It's the "oh my god Marine Corps I effing hate you I just want my husband back right now." Well, take it from someone who knows- getting them back late beats getting them back in a freakin box.
Remember how everyone used to talk about how they couldn't stand how their civilian friends bitching about their boyfriends being gone for a weekend? Well. That's kinda how I feel about deployments now. I know some people are probably thinking "Oh my god, bitch!" Right about now. But think about it. Look at it from my point of view and then think about what you have.
Then there are the people who will go on and on and on about something, but they won't do anything about it. Pick one. Complain and fix it or don't say anything. I know I complain too, but I try not too. And in light of lent that's what I'm going to give up. Complaining.
I know things in my life aren't exactly peaches and cream right now. However, there is someone somewhere in this world that is worse off than me. I have a roof over my head, food on the table, clothes on my body, a family, friends, I'm going to college. Those are things that a lot of people in this world have zero access to.
Americans are so blind to the opportunities we have in this country. The freedom to do as we please. The rights that we have. That isn't the case everywhere and we wouldn't have those if men and women weren't dying for this country. From day 1 of this grand ole land someone was paying the price for that freedom. Please don't forget that or ever take it for granted. Take it from someone who paid a big tab. How many people do you know would give up their life for their country? I bet you couldn't maybe fill up a hand.
We're so incredibly fortunate for what we have here. I'm so thankful that I was born and raised in this country. Thankful for the opportunity to do whatever I want in my life. To say what I want, to be what I want, to travel to wherever I want. For some reason a lot of people don't care. It's merely become and expectation to do/have whatever we please. It's sad. And when things don't go our way? We whine like babies. Honestly what is this world coming to..? Just because we live in America and we're free we act like everything should literally be handed to us just like that and the way we want it. Nope, doesn't work that way. Take what you get and make the best of it.
You know. I know more widows than I would like (not because I don't love them, but because we all got thrown into this crap without say). And you know what? They have a pretty shitty hand. A lot of them with children, some that never met their fathers, and they are still living life. Thankful for what is in front of them because you don't have a choice but to live and to deal with what you have. They learned the hard way even if they were thankful before.
Here's my message to you all.. take a look at what you have. Be thankful for it. Those of you with deployed loved ones: they're alive and they love you. The ones at home: be glad they are there with you and enjoy every moment.
Don't take anything in life for granted because I can assure you that it can be ripped away before you even have time to take another breath.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Memorial
I spent another weekend in J-Vegas! I got the chance to meet and spend more time with your friends. I met so many amazing people along with the other families of the fallen. It never fails though, a trip to Jacksonville results in a severe lack of sleep. Sunday funday got me four hours of sleep when I had to be up at 7 for the service and drive home nine hours. That was fun.
I met so many more people on Friday and Saturday. It was easier to see people this time because there weren't as many families in town. Every person that was introduced to me told me how great of a man you were and that you are a true hero. As painful as it can be sometimes, my heart always swells with pride and I put a smile on my face. Because you know what? You're mine. People will never forget you because of the man and Marine that you were. I have yet to encounter someone that has something bad to say about you.
I'm really glad I went though. I like being there and around those people. Not to mention it was 85 and I could wear flip flops! And I went to the beach. This time around I ventured to more places we went even though a majority of them were the last places we were. It was harder this time. When I left to come home three weeks ago, I knew I was going back. This time I don't know when I'm going back and that makes me sad.
Me and Kourtney were talking in the car and she made a good point. It's almost like it's time for me to walk away from the Marine Corps (alone, which is not how I saw that playing out). But at the same time, majority of the people we knew are getting out and going their own ways. I realized that even though I was leaving and everyone else was staying, that it won't be long before they are leaving too. Kourtney made a good point- it's like graduating high school all over again. Except we have a deeper bond with these people. A bond that won't ever allow us to fully walk away from each other. We have been through one heck of a trial together with this deployment and it brought everyone together. People on the outside will never understand this bond, but it will hold all of us together forever. Still makes me sad though.
The memorial dinner wasn't anything exciting. I got to talk to Amy for a while with little baby Jax and I met a few more Marines. The memorial service the next day was beautiful. I did pretty well until roll call, amazing grace, the 21 gun salute, and taps. That order of events gets me every single time. You cry those tears that you can't stop. It's like a never ending waterfall flowing from your face. When all that is happening you feel that pain all over again. I'm so glad I went. Even though everyone is clearly hurting, you are there to get a hug and lean on each other for support. It never ceases to amaze me how the Marine Corps family pulls together in times like that. Again, no outsider would ever understand what happened in the Field house that morning.
Here are the pictures. I would just like to point out that I love my outfit (I think you would have appreciated it, too. And just for the record I did have super cute shoes to match, but I thought it would be smarter to not put my feet through the torture. Flip flops- 1 Pumps- 0)
I met so many more people on Friday and Saturday. It was easier to see people this time because there weren't as many families in town. Every person that was introduced to me told me how great of a man you were and that you are a true hero. As painful as it can be sometimes, my heart always swells with pride and I put a smile on my face. Because you know what? You're mine. People will never forget you because of the man and Marine that you were. I have yet to encounter someone that has something bad to say about you.
I'm really glad I went though. I like being there and around those people. Not to mention it was 85 and I could wear flip flops! And I went to the beach. This time around I ventured to more places we went even though a majority of them were the last places we were. It was harder this time. When I left to come home three weeks ago, I knew I was going back. This time I don't know when I'm going back and that makes me sad.
Me and Kourtney were talking in the car and she made a good point. It's almost like it's time for me to walk away from the Marine Corps (alone, which is not how I saw that playing out). But at the same time, majority of the people we knew are getting out and going their own ways. I realized that even though I was leaving and everyone else was staying, that it won't be long before they are leaving too. Kourtney made a good point- it's like graduating high school all over again. Except we have a deeper bond with these people. A bond that won't ever allow us to fully walk away from each other. We have been through one heck of a trial together with this deployment and it brought everyone together. People on the outside will never understand this bond, but it will hold all of us together forever. Still makes me sad though.
The memorial dinner wasn't anything exciting. I got to talk to Amy for a while with little baby Jax and I met a few more Marines. The memorial service the next day was beautiful. I did pretty well until roll call, amazing grace, the 21 gun salute, and taps. That order of events gets me every single time. You cry those tears that you can't stop. It's like a never ending waterfall flowing from your face. When all that is happening you feel that pain all over again. I'm so glad I went. Even though everyone is clearly hurting, you are there to get a hug and lean on each other for support. It never ceases to amaze me how the Marine Corps family pulls together in times like that. Again, no outsider would ever understand what happened in the Field house that morning.
Here are the pictures. I would just like to point out that I love my outfit (I think you would have appreciated it, too. And just for the record I did have super cute shoes to match, but I thought it would be smarter to not put my feet through the torture. Flip flops- 1 Pumps- 0)
 | |
| 15 Angels Guarding the gates of Heaven: HM3 Swink, Sgt Bovia, LCpl Twigg, Cpl Bishop, LCpl Jackson, Cpl Sockalosky, Sgt Zaehringer, Ssgt Cullins, LCpl Honeycutt, LCpl Huse, LCpl Geary, Sgt Misner, LCpl Htaik, Cpl Tate, and LCpl Giese |
"Step forward now, you soldier,
You've borne your burdens well,
Walk peacefully on Heaven's streets,
You've done your time in Hell."
You've borne your burdens well,
Walk peacefully on Heaven's streets,
You've done your time in Hell."
Six Months
Well, today is my sixth "2" and I can't believe its been that long. Six whole months. It feels like it's been eternity, but I remember it like it was yesterday. It feels like so long ago and that so much has happened.
I don't really feel any better. It's like the further out you get the more you long to have it back. I'm sure I've gotten stronger and better in some ways. But I'm still hurting so much. People think that because you are living that you are okay. Mrs. P talked about it in her blog, too. It's not okay. You still hurt everyday and those dreaded words "should be" can almost eat you alive.
I think what we "should be" doing right now. You would be home on leave and I would be running around between school and work and spending time with you. Probably arguing with you about something you were doing because I wanted you to myself and you know I liked to pick fights over stupid stuff. Really though we fought like an old married couple. It was dumb and we got over it. It always reminds me of the Notebook:
Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing.
They didn't agree on much. In fact they rarely agreed on anything. They fought all the time and they challenged each other everyday...
...But in spite their differences, they had one important thing in common, they were crazy about each other.
Its just what we did. I miss that. Yesterday I was thinking all day how I should have been bugging you as you drove home asking you a million times where you were and telling you to hurry up so I could see you. Instead, it was just another day. I went to class and work. I came home and went to bed. Alone.
Another thing is people are starting to say "get over it." I know six months may be a long time for some things, but not for this. I'm in no way over it nor am I ready to be. I'm not ready to let go yet. People think that taking steps forward is forgetting or that I'm ready to just try and put someone else in that spot and have a new boyfriend. I don't want one! Anyone close to me know that is the last thing I want right now: a new boyfriend. That isn't even an option. I'm not ready for that and I don't want it either.
That brings me to my next point: it gets confused rather often, wanting someone to be there and expecting someone to fill his spot. That's not how it is. But you know what? I'm done having these expectations of people of thinking how things should go because all it does in the end is hurt me. Maybe it's better if I figure it out on my own. I'm not really sure. However, it seems to be a never ending trend of people promising to be there and they are the first ones to hurt you or turn their back. I should have known better. It has happened to every widow I know, but I was holding out hope that the people I knew wouldn't do that to me. Epic fail.
At this point.. I feel like the less I hope for in people, the less I will get hurt. Sad isn't it? I just can't take much more. I feel like my already broken heart just keeps getting smashed into smaller pieces because I trust people too much and I expect too much. I'm not ready to move on. I don't want to get over it. I'm still grieving and this hurts me every single day. Especially days like today when I can't escape that "should be" or the fact that it's another month that you haven't been here. I may put on a smile, but don't be fooled people. I'm just another girl with a heart broken into a million pieces.
I don't really feel any better. It's like the further out you get the more you long to have it back. I'm sure I've gotten stronger and better in some ways. But I'm still hurting so much. People think that because you are living that you are okay. Mrs. P talked about it in her blog, too. It's not okay. You still hurt everyday and those dreaded words "should be" can almost eat you alive.
I think what we "should be" doing right now. You would be home on leave and I would be running around between school and work and spending time with you. Probably arguing with you about something you were doing because I wanted you to myself and you know I liked to pick fights over stupid stuff. Really though we fought like an old married couple. It was dumb and we got over it. It always reminds me of the Notebook:
Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing.
They didn't agree on much. In fact they rarely agreed on anything. They fought all the time and they challenged each other everyday...
...But in spite their differences, they had one important thing in common, they were crazy about each other.
Its just what we did. I miss that. Yesterday I was thinking all day how I should have been bugging you as you drove home asking you a million times where you were and telling you to hurry up so I could see you. Instead, it was just another day. I went to class and work. I came home and went to bed. Alone.
Another thing is people are starting to say "get over it." I know six months may be a long time for some things, but not for this. I'm in no way over it nor am I ready to be. I'm not ready to let go yet. People think that taking steps forward is forgetting or that I'm ready to just try and put someone else in that spot and have a new boyfriend. I don't want one! Anyone close to me know that is the last thing I want right now: a new boyfriend. That isn't even an option. I'm not ready for that and I don't want it either.
That brings me to my next point: it gets confused rather often, wanting someone to be there and expecting someone to fill his spot. That's not how it is. But you know what? I'm done having these expectations of people of thinking how things should go because all it does in the end is hurt me. Maybe it's better if I figure it out on my own. I'm not really sure. However, it seems to be a never ending trend of people promising to be there and they are the first ones to hurt you or turn their back. I should have known better. It has happened to every widow I know, but I was holding out hope that the people I knew wouldn't do that to me. Epic fail.
At this point.. I feel like the less I hope for in people, the less I will get hurt. Sad isn't it? I just can't take much more. I feel like my already broken heart just keeps getting smashed into smaller pieces because I trust people too much and I expect too much. I'm not ready to move on. I don't want to get over it. I'm still grieving and this hurts me every single day. Especially days like today when I can't escape that "should be" or the fact that it's another month that you haven't been here. I may put on a smile, but don't be fooled people. I'm just another girl with a heart broken into a million pieces.
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