Thursday, November 24, 2011

Holidays Take 2

Well here we are again.. new year.. new holidays.

So far it's gone pretty well.  Better than last year at least.  Holidays seem to strike a little harder because it's the time when you most want them back.  Everyone is happy and together then you are standing there thinking about the piece that is missing.  Heartbreak that's for sure.

This morning was okay.  Last year I spent with a lot of tears and in bed.  This year I stayed in bed but not so many tears.  For me I need the space and alone time to get myself together.  I gave myself a couple hours alone and I spent the rest of the day with people.

One thing I've noticed is Thanksgiving is easier than Christmas which  is followed by the new year.  I still haven't figured out how disastrous that will be this year.  Hopefully it's not too bad.  What I've learned through all of this and getting through Thanksgiving.. be thankful.  The whole point of the holiday.  I was guilty of not really caring.  Thanksgiving became 5 days of leave in my book and I lost sight of what's important.  Again.. learned the hard way.  Now I hope that people see what can happen and that you should take some time to be thankful for what you do have.

One of the most painful things sometimes is looking back and thinking "I should have done this or should have done that."  Truth is.. you can never go back.  Learning from your mistakes is part of life I guess.  Although I wish I could have learned this lesson some other way.

Even though this year is better than the last it's still that painful reminder of what's missing.  I'm an expert at blocking things out now. I'm not really sure if that's a good thing or not, but for now it works for me and I'm okay with that.  Slowly but surely I'm moving out of "survival" mode and getting life back on track.

At first living like a hermit sounded like a fantastic idea, but like I've said before, the rest of the world keeps on moving even though yours has stopped.  What kind of life would that be anyways?  Not one at all.  It's easy to cover up the pain most days and act like everything is okay.  Other days not so much.

Moving forward is still something I really struggle with.  Some days I think I'm ready and other days I completely freak out and panic about it.  I know I can't live my life with my urn and be happily ever after.. that's unrealistic.  It's just so hard for me to come to terms with the fact that my future as I pictured for so long isn't going to happen anymore.  If I even thinking about changing my relationship status on facebook it brings tears to my eyes.  Yes, I know, it's just facebook; however, I know that once I let go of that I can't get it back.  I'm not ready for that yet.

I'm not ready for a lot of things really (even though sometimes I *think* I am.. it's not true haha).  It's helped me out to let someone into my life again.  It's just so so so difficult to admit to myself that what used to be isn't happening ever.  Right now I've set myself into this stubborn ass mode where I refuse to think about anything in the future.  I'm content just doing my thing and living my life.   Thinking of all the things I want to do and see before I settle into my hometowns get married, reproduce, and never leave trend.  Life in the backwoods repeats itself.

I mentioned a little before that someone did come into my life a few months ago.  I'm so thankful he's there for me and I still question why he puts up with all of my nonsense.  Seriously.. I wouldn't want to put up with me right now.  I'm so bi-polar about everything.  One minute I'm okay and the next I'm a basket case.  It really is ridiculous but I can't help it.  Going out in public still makes me cringe because in my mind it's still "Chrissy and Josh" and I feel like I'm cheating in a sense.  I know I'm really not, but that doesn't ease the thought in my mind.

Good grief this life will make you think you're a crazy person.  On a good note another day I survived and another holiday under my belt.  Onto the next one I guess.  At least this year I have a little glimmer of excitement when I see Christmas stuff or hear Christmas music.  Baby steps..

ANYWAYS (because you know I always get sidetracked)..  I hope everyone had a fantastic Thanksgiving surrounded by family, friends, food and football.  If you haven't taken the time yet today, remind yourself of the great things in your life.  Focus on the good and what you are thankful for.  If anything.. forget the bad today and just enjoy what you have right in front of you.  Trust me.. it's worth it to take the time remembering the little things versus getting something taken away from you and looking back thinking the "I should haves."  Take it from someone who knows.

Happy Turkey Day!