Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Clarification Annonymous Commentor

Then you are not reading what I said.  I admit.. ALL THE TIME that there are people that have it worse than I do.  I'm talking about people who have EVERYTHING, but it's not enough for them.  That people who act like life is so terrible.  What's so terrible?  Why do certain people complain about every single little thing?

Do people complain and get hurt and have problems?  Yes.  Everyone does and I know that.  And I know there are people who have it worse.  And I disagree.  I do think the loss of loved one could hurt more than other things.  And I'm sure there is plenty more about that. 

If you don't like what I write on my blog.. then don't read it.  I don't need negativity in my life.. Especially this week.  And if you're someone I know.. disappointed.  Don't twist my words.

Selfish People

Before I go into my famous "blog rants.."

Tonight I was at band night in at the fair with my majorettes and it brings back a lot of madness that happened last year.  Last year I left band night and went home.  The next morning I woke up to a 5 am phone call from trashcanistan.

"Hey baby," came across the line.  As much as I wanted to complain about it being 5 in the morning, I didn't.  I was perfectly fine with hearing the voice.  It was like a sigh of relief.  I was happy.  Until 26 hours or so later. 

I have become increasingly irritated lately with people who think their life is just so terrible.  Multiple facebook posts like they're going to make a point..

"If I find out who talked about me I'll kill them"

"Don't care about me.. nbd"

or my personal favorite..


Yeah.  Your life must be soooooooooo terrible.  No. You know what that screams?  Immature.  I'm sick of it.  I like to think my life is pretty hard, but I also know that there are people all around the world that have it a hell of a lot worse than I do.  I swear to God there are some people who think life is just so incredibly hard.  Maybe some people should step back for a second and think about that. Think about how lucky you really are.

I'm not trying to talk myself up at all.  That's not the point.  Lord knows I should have been a lot more thankful than I was in the past and I learned the hard way to really think about that one.  There are people dealing with things in this world that are so incredibly painful and difficult on a daily basis.  Cancer, illness, death, whatever.  Every. Single. Day.

I see all of these people.. happy, a family, an education, house, food, car.  Everything.  What else could you possibly want?  What is so bad?  Sure things in life are tough to get through.. relationships, your friends.  Everyone has problems.  But is it really that bad?  No, it's not.

I don't want to be one of those angry/jealous/bitter people.  It's just been super hard to not be the closer I get to Friday.  I can only push it away for so long and it's a definite "ready or not here I come."  I'm not ready.  Not at all.

I just had a complete meltdown.  I stopped crying for a few minutes only because I got out my phone and played some voice mails just to hear his voice.  Thursday will be a year since I talked to him last.  It's crazy.  Part of me feels like I'm going to forget and that scares me.  Like I keep getting further away from him and I can't go back.

Truth is I'll never go back, but I wish I could.  I wish every day that my life could be as good as it was.

I went back to school Monday.  As crazy as it sounds I love that I'm back.  Last year school was my outlet from life.  My cohort became a tight knit group of friends.  Everyday I would go into class and tell my table about some stupid thing someone said to me to get a good laugh.  They never treated me any different and they have helped me along the way.  I'm glad that I will spend part of my day with them Friday.  I'm so thankful for them and everyone else in my life.

I just wish other people remembered that.  How lucky they really are... 

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Last Year

This was us.  Moving through this deployment as best as we could checking off the days one by one.  Deployments suck.  Any military spouse will tell you that, but you make the best of this.  It's times like that when your love takes over for you and you realize what you have.  

We were happy.  Our life together was slowly falling into place.  We had already made it through a deployment and we were strong.  I think we were quite a pair.  We complimented each other well and we got so close.  It just fit.  Everything was perfect.. deployment and all.  

We were supposed to be one of the firsts out of our friends to get married.  It had been so long we weren't just Chrissy or just Josh.  It was always the two of us.. together.  That's how people got to know us.  

Sure.. we fought.  A lot.  And you know what 99% of the time I was the one looking for a fight.  It's what we did.. fought with each other.  But it never took long to get over it even though we were both stubborn and looking to get the last word in.  

We cared about each other more than anything else in this whole world and we grew dependent.  We needed each other.  3 years ago we were gearing up for our first deployment.  I had just moved over an hour away to college when he came home on leave.  What did I do?  Drove home every single night and back the next morning to be with him.  3 hours of driving.. every day.  That's just how we were.

Last year.. I would rush home from work every night as you were getting off watch so I could talk to you on skype.  

I'm having a really hard time with the fact that in a few short days I'll be out of "last year we did this.."  They won't be there anymore.  "Last year" will just be a reminder of all the pain.  All of anger and hurt.  The loss.  Flooding back into my life a lot faster than I want it to.

For the past couple months I pushed it away.  Somehow I managed to go into some numb state of mind and ignored it in every way possible.  I got sick of dealing with it.  I never wanted this life.  No one does.. I guess someone has to do it though.  When does it get better?  When do you really start to live life again?  

Over the last 11 months I have found ways to just cope with it.  But not to truly move on.  I haven't moved on at all.  I don't want to let go.  I still want to talk about things I had planned and think that maybe it will all still happened.  Maybe it is just a dream.  It's real life though.  My real life is a lot of girls worst nightmare.

Always so happy.. making everyone smile.  That's who he was.  A lot of times I can think of things and laugh.  At the same time  I just want to cry because I miss it so much.  I feel like for the rest of my life it's going to hurt.  It's never going to go away.  And you know?  It's not fair.  One thing impacts your entire life. 

I want to be happy.  I want to get married and have a family.  But I don't want it with someone else.  Not yet anyways.  It wasn't supposed to be this way.  We were supposed to have our happily ever after together.  I really wish I knew what God's plan was.  I'm not seeing the reason or what has gotten better in my life.  "Everything happens for a reason," is a crock of crap if you ask me.

I was going to plan a benefit for the one year, but I don't have it in me.  What I need is my carebear, my friends, and a strong drink.  That's exactly what I'm going to do, too. 

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Hot Mess

That's me.  I'm on vacation and you want to know what I'm doing?  Laying in my hotel room cuddled with my bear and blanket by myself crying.  That's right.  While my friends are out having fun that's how I'm spending my time.  Love life right?

This whole year thing is throwing me over the edge.  All of the pain and anger is flooding back into my life like a freight train.  I want him back.  I want my life back.  I just wish he would walk in the door and hold me and say it will all be okay.  I miss him so much and it just eats me alive.  It wasn't supposed to be this way.  Life wasn't supposed to get so hard.

I'm so disgusted with everything in my life and I hate it.  Nothing is easy and no matter how hard I try i can't explain how I feel to anyone.  Thing is..  I let someone into my life a few months ago.  Realistically it's easy to let someone be there.  It's nice to have company and to feel like someone cares again.  But.. I'm not ready.  Don't get me wrong.. he's been nothing but good to me.  I'm not ready and it's not what I want.  As bad as it sounds I feel like I have to find out what's out there.  What I want and need again.

No one will ever be Josh.  For now I don't want anything but him.  I'm not ready to let go of what was supposed to be.  I don't want to.  And you know part of me thinks what would want this?  All I have gotten in the past year is a bunch of baggage and got fat.  Yup.  That's quite an accomplishment for almost 365 days.  I wouldn't blame a guy for not thinking twice about looking my way.  Like I said.. disgusted.

I get so frustrated when people don't get where I'm coming from.  No one understands how hard it is to move forward.  To get your life back together.  The past couple months I'll admit having someone around made it different.. like I could ignore what happened for a while.  Truth is.. it's never going away.  I can only hide from it for so long but it haunts me like a shadow. 

I'm like a bi-polar freak.  One day I want to be with someone and all happy go lucky.. the next I'm a hot mess wanting nothing but the past back.  Where the hell is the happy medium?  It all points the same direction and that is the "not ready."

Until I figure it all out I need my space and I need to be me.  Somehow, some way, I have to figure out who I am and what I want.  No matter how much I am hurting this world is not going to stop turning.  At some point I just want to feel better about things.. about life.

For now I'm going to live my own personal sob story.  Maybe I'll walk down to the boardwalk and indulge in some fat comfort food or chill on the beach to get my thoughts together.  At the moment.. my care-bear is the man.  Little bugger hasn't let me down since I was a tot.  Me and my teddy kinda night for this girl.  Just praying to God that somewhere along the line my life gets better..