Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Restarting the Cycle

Well here I am on year two making my way through everything once again without him by my side. It's weird thinking about it being the second year. For an entire year I relied on everything being "last year we did this.". It was somewhat of a comfort to hold onto that. Now there is nothing good to say about "last year."

A few days ago I was talking with someone and they mentioned wanting to go back a year. I instantly said yeah me too. Then I paused and thought about it. The next thing out of my mouth was no I take that back. I never want to feel the pain of that fresh wound ever again. I never want to live my life in a fog or on auto pilot, struggling through each day. No, thanks

The pain lives on each day and it never leaves. I still long for the past and I tear up when I think or talk about things that were special to us. All day everyday

The only positive is starting to slowly live life again remembering to appreciate every little thing. I'm so thankful for things that I have accomplished in the last year even with my heart completely broken and my body barely functioning. I know he would be so proud of me. He was always my biggest cheerleader and reminded me I could do anything that I set my mind to. Here I am about to start another care package drive, in my last semester of class about to was into student teaching (with a 3.8 I might add), still coaching and working. Busy as usual.

Being busy keeps me sane. I have less time to think and more time to keep pushing forward. When you hit rock bottom the only way to go is up. A year ago it seemed impossible. Feeling so incredibly lost like a piece of you died along with your heart. I set into my second year with a still foggy, but somewhat clear, vision of what I need to do in life.

I have by no means moved on. Just last night I looked at the ring I had picked out. My eyes filled with tears thinking of what could have been. His 23rd birthday is this Saturday and I plan on celebrating it for him. Trust me.. He wouldn't want it any other way. I think I might let some balloons go with little messages. It's a comfort thing to make me feel connected in some way.

It would be nice to have another dream. I still haven't had another one nor can I remember what the last one was about. They just feel so real and that's all I have. Maybe he'll be feeling froggy this weekend and drop by. I'm not getting my hopes up it's just wishful thinking.

Well, cheers to 23, babe. And here's to me getting through round two.

Monday, September 19, 2011

I'm alive.

I survived a whole year.  It seems like it's been so much longer than that.  I had been dreading the 2nd for weeks, but I made it.

This year was pretty calm.  I once again woke to a beautiful morning.. no phone calls.  I got ready as my phone slowly started ringing more often with facebook updates and text messages.  I went to class.  I could hear people whispering behind me most of the day and I just kept praying the day would go fast so I didn't have to think about it anymore.  I went to lunch with my friends after our seminar and I had some errands to run that afternoon.  I found it easier to stay ridiculously busy so I wasn't moping around doing nothing. 

I went to the football game and I held it together.  I got that same feeling of a thousand eyes on me as I walked by.  Everyone knew what day it was.  It was a repeat of walking on eggshells when it came to talking to me or shying away.  I felt those same things last year.  I know people mean well and I am thankful for everyone's support.. Sometimes it's just an awkward feeling that I could never explain to anyone.  By the end of the game I was quiet.  I held it together all day and it was about to come crashing down.

I made it back to my house with one of my friends.  I walked into my kitchen and put all of my stuff down... Game over.  I lost it.  Hitting the one year mark signified so much.  I had done many of the things I did a year before that, but it was so very different.  My heart ached at the fact that so much time has gone by and he really isn't coming back.

Ever since that day everything has been weighing heaving on my heart and mind.  I've found myself thinking about it more frequently.  Longing to have my old life back more than I ever have along with the blunt reality that it's not going to happen. 

Two nights ago I had a dream and he was talking to me.  I wish I could remember exactly what he said but I woke up and just laid there.  Almost stunned.  It's been so long since I last had dream and not remembering what it was about was eating me alive.  I know they say dreams are just our imaginations or thoughts processing; however, I hold on to those dreams more than anything else in the world.  Even if it's not real I feel like he's talking to me and saying he's still there.

I really can't believe a year has gone by.  My whole life has drastically changed in a matter of 365 days.  A new future and outlook on life.. the same pains that it will never be what I once had.  I made it though.  A year ago getting through a week seemed nearly impossible.  I didn't know what to do or how I was going to survive.  I remember saying a million times, "what am I supposed to do?"  I went into a survival mode.. almost like an auto-pilot.  Fighting through each day just to get up and fight through the next.

I'm stronger.  So much stronger than I was at the beginning.  I still cry.  I still hurt.  Those things have remained fairly steady in my life.  The best thing of it all?  Still being in love.  No matter what happens in life or who is taken from you too soon, you never stop loving them.  I think about him every single day and I'm so thankful to have had that kind of love in my life.  We were a perfect match and most people don't experience that in their lifetime.  I will always be thankful for that.

Well here we are on year two.  I'm not sure what this year will bring.  I'm out of "last years" and "firsts," but you never know what it will be like now.  What I do this year is I can survive it.  I can slowly start living my life again.  Easing some of the pain and enjoying the things I can do.  When Josh died, part of me died too.  At the same time.. part of me is still alive and he would never in a million years want me to throw my life away.  He wants me to live and I will.. just for him.

Thursday, September 1, 2011


Me?  Inspiring?

As I went through my blog stats today.. looking at my readers pages and where my blog is shared I came across this: http://www.justmilitaryloans.com/round-ups/top-5-inspiring-military-spouse-blogs/

My blog is on there!  It really warmed my heart and it definitely made me smile.  To know that people find my words inspiring just makes me so happy.  When I started this blog I didn't know it's potential.  That I actually had the power to help other people and let those around me into my own life.  It's really a powerful thing.

I try to be honest, to put my feelings into perspective.  Cry, laugh, get angry.. it all comes out in my blog.  This is to tell our story, to talk to him, and learning to live again.  People don't always agree with me and that's fine.  I don't expect people to.  At the same time, this is my space.  For me to say whatever I please.

It's come a long way in the last 361 days.  I come here when I need to get something out and before I know it I have an entire post full of my thoughts.

It'll be a year in a few hours.  I like to think he's proud of me.  Proud of me for standing tall and pushing forward in life without him by my side.  I mean.. he's still here.  Not in the preferred form, but he would never ever leave me to fend for myself.

I know everyone says, "everything happens for a reason."  Maybe it is true.  Maybe I was destined for something in this lifetime and this is how it's being uncovered.  Granted I would prefer my old life, but I think I'm doing rather well considering the circumstances.

Finding that article today was just what I needed.  A little boost in my life to feel like I am actually making a difference.  After all.. making a difference has always been a goal in my life.  I am an education major you know.

I'm going to attempt sleep and hopefully I'll have some sweet dreams.  Stay with me tomorrow babe.  Love you always.