Thursday, September 30, 2010

Other peoples dreams

So I have gathered a general census that you have been visiting other people (hope you don't mind!) and here's a couple of the messages I have gotten the past two days:

"Okay, so I had the weirdest dream last night. I was like in jail and everything it was weird. But anyways, Josh was in my dream. This is where it gets random. Anyways, I was in heaven watching everyone. Someone asked Josh why he was all gray because everyone in heaven is supposed to be rainbow colored but Josh said he wasn't rainbow colored cause you weren't there and the only way you were allowed to be rainbow colored in heaven is if you were complete and happy how you left people/things on earth. He said he would never be rainbow colored, because of him your heart is broken and he left you before he was ready to. So now he'll be gray until you're with him or until he knows that you're okay. And he knew I was watching so he said tell Chrissy i'll wait right here (because the gray people weren't allowed with the rainbow people)."

"Last night, you and Josh made an appearance in my dream. He was there, talking to you, and you could see him, and touch him, but it was after he died. (Weird, I know.) But he was with us watching a Steelers game, wearing his Jersey that he had. After the game was over, you walked with him to the door, because he told you that he couldn't stay. He brushed your hair back (I don't know if he did that regularly or not) and told you that he was okay where he was, that he was proud of you, and that he loves you still. Then he kissed your forehead and walked out. "

Heartbreaking and Comforting all at the same time..

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

3 years ago..

We were here:

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We had finally finished the first step in our Marine Corps career- boot camp. I remember those three months. It was such a shock to seeing you and talking to you everyday to almost nothing. As I stood waiting to see you on family day I remember shaking uncontrollably. I was so excited to see you and I burst into tears the second I got to you. After that I remember thinking "okay, one part is down and only 3 years and 9 months to go." I was so determined to make it through the next 4 years one step at a time. Little did I know it would be taken from me in the home stretch.

Today I'm so angry. Angry that we were almost done with this.. 10 months and we were Marine Corps free. Actually, I just wanted to get through the last 5 of the deployment and then you would have been done leaving. But of course not. Why not just put the cherry on top of my already shitty life. I hate feeling like i'm going to live the rest of my life this way. Wondering what "could have been" and settling for something mediocre.

Not to mention the fact that I want to duke it out with God. I have yet to understand why he keeps doing these things to me. My life has been everything BUT normal. It's been one thing after another. He took the best thing away from me and that was you.

All along my biggest fear in life was being alone. What do you know? Just when I think everything is going to work out perfectly for us, this happens. I'm going to be one of those 50 year old school teachers who is single, taking care of her parents, and live with a bunch of cats (I hate cats by the way). Pisses. Me. Off.

Did I mention how much I love your friends? They're amazing. You would happy to know I'm well taken care of and I have plenty of people to ask if I ever need anything at all. I'm so glad you had such amazing friends and I'm glad that I will get to inherit them as my own. I have been blown away with some of the messages I have gotten lately and it really is amazing. As much as I hate this situation, it is people like your friends from the MC that make this a little more bearable. This is a type of family that you would only know if you're involved in this situation. These people have a different view on life and it's a kind of brotherhood that you don't find very often. I'm thankful that I get to be a part of it and these are the type of friendships you'll keep close to your heart forever.

I miss you. Dreams.. please?

Tagged

So this is my first survey post that Rachel (A Little Pink in a World of Camo) tagged me in so here goes nothing.

1. If you were a shoe, what shoe would you be and why?
I'm gonna go with flip flops. Just because they're fun and they mean summer/warm air/beach etc.
2. What talent do you wish you had? Would you pursue learning or brushing up on that talent now?
To be able to sing. I cannot carry a tune at all- it's terrible. I would say my talent now is baton twirling and I would most definitely want to do more with it.
3. What is your favorite/best childhood memory?
I'm gonna have to go with Christmas eve in my family. We always had these big crazy get togethers that have since kinda dissipated. We still have them, but they aren't the same. I also think that time of year used to be a lot more magical for me. I feel a serious scrooge coming on this year..
4. What is your favorite song? What lyrics strike you the most?
Right now? Just a dream. It's completely describes my life.
Baby why'd you leave me, why'd you have to go?
I was counting on forever, now i'll never know
I can't even breathe
It's like i'm lookin from a distance standing in the background
Everybody's sayin' he's not coming home now
This can't be happening to me.. This is just a dream
5. If you could go back in any period of time before you were born, where would you go, what would you do?
The civil war. I think it was a really interesting time in our history and I would like to experience it. I know- i'm a geek.
6. Who is your role model?
Josh. Hands down. He has done more honorable things in his 21 years of life than I will ever do in my whole lifetime. I admire his strength and courage. I'll never be half the person that he was.
7. Pick a scar. Tell us it's story.
Is it weird if I don't have one? But i'll go with my fat thumb. It's my right thumb and the thing is massive. I'm pretty sure I broke it twice- once in volleyball and again my senior year of majorettes. I never got the thing fixed and it hurts when it's cold outside. However, I'm deathly afraid to get it checked because I don't want it broken again.
8. If you had no computer, tv, or phone for a whole day (YIKES!) what would you do with yourself?
I might actually get some homework done or workout. Other than that I'm not really sure.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Hate this.

This is flat out terrible. I was doing what I would say semi-okay for a little while there, but these past 4 or 5 days have just been awful. I miss you and my heart hurts more than anyone will ever know. People think I'm "okay" but I'm not. I'm completely heart broken and a piece of me is gone that I will never get back.

The thing that hurts me the most- you don't have the chance to get anything that you wanted in life. It was taken away from you before you got the chance to live it. It's not fair, not one single bit. I try going to do things and just get my mind off it, but it doesn't work. I think about you all the time. I feel like you're missing out on so much. I want you here with me and I can't have it.

One thing I am thankful for right now is your friends. They keep me sane by checking on me or just to talk. It's a comfort for me to know how many people loved and cared about you. In all reality a lot of the guys that have talked to me didn't even really know me, but they knew you and that I was a big part of your life. Because of that they are there for me. It means more to me than they will ever know. It just shows to what kind of friends or brothers none the less that you have been with over the last 3 years. I am happy to know that you touched so many lives over the years and have so many good friends.

Oh, I don't know if I mentioned it before. But I decided since you can't be here I'm going to do all the things you wanted to do for you. I started last night with number one on my list- the Pens game.

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It's so hard for me to have fun. I want you to experience these things too. Last night reminded me of the night we watched the Stanley Cup finals at the beach when the Pens won. You drove hours to see me for less than 12. I don't know if I ever told you how much I appreciated the little things like that that you did for me. Those were the things that made me realize how much you loved me.

I miss you.

Love,
Chrissy

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Overwhelmed

Yep. That pretty much says it. It's been three weeks and I feel like I'm falling apart now more than ever. I miss you. This reality is continually sinking in and I just want it to go away.

I'm trying so hard to do what I need to do and in the back of my mind I want you to be proud of me. I can't tell you how many times I have gotten the "I would just drop out this semester," but I can't. I hear your voice in my head over and over again "Christina, what did I tell you? Worry about school." I'm trying, babe. I want to do this, but I am so incredibly overwhelmed with everything and I don't know how to handle it. You were way better at calming me down and letting me know it would all be okay. At the same time, you know as well as I do that I am a stubborn ass and I just want to prove to people that I can do this.

I was sitting in class today where we watched a video on families and the longer I sat there the more tears filled up my eyes. Everything I thought I was going to have was just taken away and it's like everything is a constant reminder of it. Somehow I managed to make it out of there but I lost it in my car. I listened to some old voice mails on my way home and it helped to hear your voice and even laugh a little. But once I got through them all that was it. I lost it. Again. After last night you would think that I would be out of tears, but that's a big negative.

I'm starting to feel defeated and wondering how I am ever going to this without you by my side. It wasn't supposed to be this way. It wasn't supposed to us. But it is. And I hate every damn second of it. Although, I think I put on a pretty decent front during the day. It's the nights. I'm alone and you're gone.

You left me with two things- your love and strength. That's really the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning and pushing me through the day.

My current pick me up is what one of your friends (that I just met because of all of this) put on my status last night..

"Stay strong Chrissy. Josh would expect nothing less. He's watching over all of us. He loved you so much"

Come visit me soon- somehow, someway. I need you.

Love,
Chrissy

Monday, September 20, 2010

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Numbers.

I am really sick of counting things. So many things have been popping up lately.. 2 months since I had seen you last, what would have been 2 months down with this deployment, 2 weeks since I have talked to you. I am so sick of that.

I think about you constantly. It just completely breaks my heart that you didn't get a chance to live your life and get the things that you wanted. What's even worse? I can't do a damn thing about it. I cry and get mad and hope and dream, but it won't change it. It's going to be a long life with out you..

It's so hard for me to go anywhere these days because people are constantly staring and talking. And you know- it blows my mind how ignorant some people can be in this type of situation. My favorite are the people who try talking to me and acting like it's so extremely hard on them when I know the both of us haven't seen or heard from them in years. I mean really? Some things that people have said to me just seem so inappropriate, but somehow I have managed to keep my mouth shut about it. (Disclaimer: I appreciate the support I get, I really do. There are just a select few mouths that take it to far)

I manage to hold things together during the day when I have school or work. It's nights that I hate. I will say though I know you're still here. You left me with two things- love and strength. You know I need that and that is how I get through my days. Oh, and I had another dream. Someone called my damn cell phone or I would've probably had more :( All I remember is telling you it was our last something and you said "no it's babe don't say that" wrapped your arms around me, gave me a kiss a disappeared. I think you should probably stick around longer :)

I spent some time with Lauren and Aaron and the girls. It makes me miss you but at the time it's a comfort. I saw RJ and Danielle a few times this week too. I'm just so disappointed you aren't here the way I want you to be. Every day there are at least 20 things that remind me of you. It either makes me smile or the tears fill up my eyes. I miss you more than you know.

I'm gonna cut out- the tears are flowing. Come visit me again soon <3

I love you, forever and a day.
pickle.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Two Weeks

Since I heard your sweet voice on the other end of the line. I keep replaying those 24 hours in my head over and over again. I'm so thankful we got to talk so long that morning and it was one full of love and laughter. Although I would give just about anything to get that back..

Each day reminds me of you. You loved fall and each day has you all over it. As I was driving today I kept thinking how much you loved it here during this time of year. I wish so badly that you were here to see it.

Even though I am completely heart broken, the memories that I have with you get me through each day. It is such a task to force myself out of my bed each morning, but I know in the back of my mind what you want me to do with my life. That's all I need to get through the day- knowing that you always wanted me to have a good life. I know too that you are here with me because if you weren't, there is no freaking way I would be the way that I am. I am a lot stronger than I thought I was and I know that's only because you are still here to be my rock.

Over the past five years you have become such a huge part of me. I am starting to understand why people in their old age die within a few years of each other. If we had this much love and were such a huge part of each others lives only five years in- who knows what we could have had in 50. I am so disappointed that we won't get to find out. It breaks my heart we won't ever have that wedding we talked so much about or the family we wanted to raise. I feel like I got robbed of my happy life. When I get to the pearly gates I have lots of questions to ask and we better get a shot at the life we wanted when I get to you.

I miss everything about you.

Oh, I almost forgot. This man came through the line at your viewing looking awfully familiar. When he introduced himself to your mom it dawned on me. This was the same man that spoke at our high school on Veteran's day my senior year. I was a speaker as well so I got to meet him. He came to talk about his son who was killed in Iraq a few years earlier. I remember crying that day thinking how terrible that must be. You had just graduated boot camp 6 weeks earlier and were at SOI. I had no idea I would be in his shoes 3 years later. I never thought this would be us..

It's just funny/ironic how these things work out. And I sure as hell would like a good explanation.

I love you. Btw- come visit me in my dreams. They haven't been exciting <3

pickle.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Fall

You would have loved today; it was a perfect fall day. The skies were blue with big puffy clouds, the sun was out, leaves are turning, air was crisp. It had you written all over it.

I made an attempt to go back to classes today and it was really overwhelming. I can't focus for anything and I got so far behind already. Thankfully a couple girls kept me pretty well informed and wrote everything out. If my program wasn't changing I would most likely call it quits for the semester. But at the same time you wouldn't want me doing that either so I'm not going to. Classes take a lot out of me these days. I mean I had two 50 minute classes today and I came home and slept for 3 hours. Not that I'm complaining really because I love sleep these days. It's my escape from everything. When I'm asleep I don't hurt and I don't have to think about it. The second I open my eyes in the morning everything comes flooding right back to me and I hate it.

FYI I'm bouncing all over the place today, don't mind me. My scatter brained self is literally everywhere.

I was talking to a girl last night. Someone who never met us in person, but came to see me last week. This is what she said, "literally, if it weren't totally inappropriate and sad a picture of you standing there Thursday just looking at him, with your back to everyone else would have been beautiful in a really heart-wrenching way especially when it was just you."
Two thoughts.
First is I am proud of you. More than you ever know. I probably won't ever be half the person you were in my lifetime. I had the logic that I would be there for you until the end, and I was. I stood from your side from the beginning and I wasn't about to stop now.
Second is it makes me happy that its evident to people how much we love each other. Even in two different lives now, I still love you and I can only hope you feel the same for me (which you better :p). That's something death can't take away from me.

" Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."

'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

That second quote- I hate right now. I know it's true, but seriously? (Don't mock me. Yes, seriously). As much as I hate hate hate hate hate what I have to do right now- I wouldn't change what I had with you over the last five years. Not even for a second. Those five years of memories have to carry me through the rest of my life and they will. We really had something special. It reminded me of this song I heard again today and I'll leave you with that..

Baby when I look at you with your hair fallin' down and your baby blues
Standing there across the room I get so lost in the way you move
It makes me reminisce back to years ago on a night like this
Teary eyed as you took my hand and I told you that I'd be your man
So many things have come so many things have gone
one thing that's stayed the same is our love is still growing strong

Baby just look at us all this time and we're still in love
Something like this just don't exist
Between a backwoods boy and a fairy tale princess
People said it would never work out
Living our dreams has shattered all doubts
It feels good to prove 'em wrong
Living our love song

Oh darling would you look at me
With my heart beating fast and my shaking knees
It's pretty hard to believe after all these years I still need you this badly
You're dancing in my arms with a spotlight moon in a sea of stars
Girl we've come so far everything I want is everything that you are
I just want to lay you down
Say I love you without a sound
I think you know what I'm talking about

Baby just look at us all this time and we're still in love
Something like this just don't exist
Between a backwoods boy and a fairy tale princess
People said it would never work out
Living our dreams has shattered all doubts
It feels good to prove 'em wrong
Living our love song

Feels good to prove 'em wrong
Just living our love song


I love you <3

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Life since Wedneday

September 11. When I sat in that sixth grade classroom nine years ago, I had no idea what this war had in store for me. I had no idea that I would meet someone who became my whole world and meant everything to me. And I had no idea I would lose that part of my life.
I miss you. Those three words have never meant what they do now. Every song that I hear, everything that I see, it breaks my heart. Lets start with Wednesday-

Day 1- Bringing you home.
As I sat in the car on the way there I felt extremely nauseous. Reality was setting in, but it didn't fully hit me until I saw that plane lane and stepped onto the run way closer to where you were. As I stood with your brother, I couldn't stop shaking. When I saw you coming off of that plane I knew this was it. I was in awe that day as we made our way home and I could see you in front of me. Every road closed, people looking on. It didn't quite get me until we started coming into town. People everywhere with American flags, hands over their hearts, and tears in their eyes. People I didn't even know. At that moment my heart swelled with pride, because it was all for you and you were mine. Once we got to the funeral home and had to wait I started feeling sick again. And then I saw you. You were so full of life and loving and happy, but there you were looking like a doll. At that moment I realized something that one of you're friends told me earlier that day.. "A body is just a shell." They were right. You and the person you were wasn't in there anymore. That was just your shell. As I stood there alone with you, I began feeling okay. You were home and you were with me. My heart had an overwhelming feeling of love, comfort, and warmth. I was in the car after with Aaron and Lauren as we listened to your CD's and told stories and I felt okay for a little while. After all of this I have a whole new outlook on people dying, but we'll save that for another day.

Day 2- The viewing.
I stayed with you as long as I could. I was proud to stand next to you. There were so many people that came through that day/night and I was simply amazed. You made such an impact on people and you knew more people than I will know in my lifetime. My thought process- I was there from day one and I was going to be there to see the end. It just warms my heart that you made such an impact on people- everybody loved you.

Day 3- The long see you later.
That's right- see you later. I'm done with this goodbye nonsense, because I WILL see you again. I got there early and stood with you until they made me sit down. I'm not sure if you noticed, but as I stood there in those final seconds it got dead silent and I got slightly uncomfortable haha. Imagine that. Regardless, I was proud of you and I stood there until they made me sit. That was the most meaningful service I have ever been too. Although when your Uncle said "We expected Josh to return home, to marry Chrissy, and to start a family" I started crying all over again. We aren't going to get that anymore. I can only hope and pray that in the next life we get everything we wanted and more. After the service, I felt that love again. Yours and the people around me. To put it simply- it was amazing.

After everything I got the chance to spend some time with people you served with and some wives of guys that are still over there. I was so glad that they could all be here. It really helped in so many ways. I heard some good stories too. Some spent a night in jail, some spent some quality time at the bar, and they rode around every where in the firetrucks. True Marine Corps style came to Clymer this week- I would think you would be proud. I hope you can see the impact you made around here. It truly is amazing. I ended up going to the football game last night because sitting at home is no longer healthy for me. It reminded me of a lot of stuff. It was at Purchase Line and the last time we played there- You had just gotten home from boot camp and came to see me. The year before up at the manor people were picking fights walking out of the gate (you, fights? neverrrr.) But God do I miss you. I pray to God that these five years of memories can get me through the rest of my life. I can't wait for the day until I see you again..
I love you
pickle

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Today is the Day

The day you come home to me. I didn't want to wake up this morning because this isn't the homecoming I was dreaming of. I feel like I have a bottomless pit in my stomach. I really have to do this whether I want to or not. The shock is over and reality has set in. I don't know what I am going to do..

I can say this isn't fair a thousand times over, but it's not going to change a single thing. It won't get me out of what I have to do the next three days. At the same time, I need to be there for you. I have been there since day one and I will be there until the end.

Lately I have been finding comfort in talking to the people who knew you like I did. Even Brant (I know babe, who would've thought that?) Know what he told me? "Brant, Chrissy is going to kill me and it's all your fault." Good boy, I trained you well :)

Ugh. I can't even begin to describe how much I miss you and long for you to be here with me. There really isn't another person like you. I'll never find that kind of love from anyone else. What we had was really one of a kind..

I hope you're with me today and continuing to be my rock as you always were. I need you now more than ever..
I love you.
pickle.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Reality Check

Now that I have your arrival home and funeral plans I feel like someone just smacked me in the face. I can't believe I really have to do this right now. You, my friend, better find some way to be with me the next few days. I need you.

I wish there was something I could do to take this all away. Or if I could go back 4 years and try to convince you otherwise of your career plans. I just didn't have to heart to push you much harder out of something you didn't want and I know you were only giving up this life because of me. It hurts more than you know to realize that I am really going to have to tell you goodbye tomorrow. No more "see you laters." This is it. I don't want to live my life without you, this isn't how it was supposed to go.

Just know that no matter what I do later in life, you will be with me every single day. I pray to God that when this life is over I will see you again. Remember how I always told you I was scared to die? I'm not anymore, because I hope that you are there waiting for me with open arms.
I hope you know how much I love you and I am so proud of you. They took you out for a reason and it's because you were a damn good Marine.

So many people have reached out to me that knew you. I get a lot of "he was my best friend" "he was a great marine (and even the "if he just would've behaved outside of work" :p I know, I know, but I still had to say it :)) Regardless. You made such an impact on so many people and it warms my heart when complete strangers find me and tell me what you meant to them. From your battalion, people you served with, people you just met once or twice, everyone. It's amazing. You're amazing. I know that I will never meet another person like you.

I'll see you tomorrow. Love you more (and no arguing, please).
pickle

Btw- I know that was you messing with my radio yesterday. It doesn't magically change stations on its own to stop me from listening to that song. :)

Monday, September 6, 2010

Had a Dream

I had a dream about you last night. It was so weird. I had a dream you were home, but we all still knew what was going to happen. I remember telling you this doesn't feel real and you said it isn't yet and gave me a hug.
I forgot to tell you the other night at the football game I was holding little Alaina and it broke my heart that you will never be able to have kids of your own. I hate the fact that all of our plans are just gone and I can't get them back. I hope there is another life and we get a chance at this again. Regardless, I have to live the rest of this life without you. That means nothing though. It won't change how I feel and you will always be in my mind.
My heart hurts more than you know. I have so many unanswered questions and I would give anything to have you back. I just have no idea how I am ever going to move on with my life. I know you would want me to be happy, but it is so hard. I am always going to think what coulda, shoulda, woulda been. You weren't just my boyfriend, you were my best friend. I don't know if I will ever find that sort of comfort again. I hate feeling as if my whole is in 50 million pieces and I am left to pick them all back up. I find some comfort in knowing that you may be able to guide me in my decisions and push me to do the right things for the rest of my life.
I love you so much and I hope you know that.
pickle

Baby, why'd you leave me, why'd you have to go? I was counting on forever, now I'll never know. I cant even breathe...It's like I'm, looking from a distance, standing in the background. Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now, This can't be happening to me.. This is just a dream.


Sunday, September 5, 2010

Still writing..

Here or not I'm going to write to you everyday. It still hasn't fully registered to me that you are really gone. I saw a picture of you coming off the plane in Dover and it didn't sit well with me. I have so many unanswered questions; most of which I will never have an answer too. The last time I talked to you, you were so excited about those guys you had gotten that day. You weren't going back out so I felt okay. But the fact that they managed to target you on your very next patrol sickens me and makes me feel as if it wasn't by random chance. I feel as if I knew or if I should have warned you. You of all people know how fearful I was about you leaving. But being the person you were, you were confident and assured me you would be here.
My biggest fear is the unknown of my life. For so long we have talked of wedding plans, children of our own, the life we wanted to live. I never knew how fast that would be taken away from me. I want you to know that no matter what happens here on out, you are such a huge part of my life and I will never ever forget you. I will think of you everyday and look back on all of the memories we had. There really is no one like you or that could take your place. I can't imagine trying to find someone who would do the things that you did for me. As you watch over me from here on out I hope you're proud of me and still love me and wait for the day until I can see you again just as much as I will.
I love you, forever and always.
See you soon, Love.
pickle