Tuesday, July 26, 2011

True Colors

If there is one thing I learned over the course of the past 10.5 months it's when tragedy strikes in your life.. you see peoples true colors.  I couldn't even tell you how many people have promised me they would be there whenever I needed them.  Truth is.. they aren't.

Most of the time I feel like more of a burden than anything.  I used to get so butt hurt when I thought these people weren't following through with their promises.  But this morning I thought about it and you know what?  I don't care anymore.  I have had some great people to help me through this.  As for the others.. to hell with them.

Just for the record, I don't expect people to drop everything for me.  It's not like that.  What hurt was the fact that some people made promises and can't even check in to say hello.  Or even ask how I am.  I didn't know sending a quick message was such a complicated task.  Maybe that's just me asking too much.  I don't know.

I guess if anything I learned not to rely on people for things.  If I do it myself I can't get hurt in the end.  It's sad that I have gotten to that point.  Expect less out of people so I don't get hurt.  Really all people do is talk talk talk.  I must have one exciting life because it seems to be a prime topic of conversation around these parts.

Really at this point I don't even have it in me to blog about it.  I'm frustrated with a lot of things that are happening right now.  Honestly I think that if I did write about it that it wouldn't make any sense or people wouldn't understand.  I've been MIA lately and I think that's why.  I need to ponder some more before I write that blog because it will probably give people something to talk about.

Sometimes it feels like trying to explain my thoughts and feelings is completely impossible.  No matter how hard I try.. I can never fully explain it to someone.  The closest I can get is other wids because they're going through it too.  For example.. being with someone else.

I can't let myself be with someone else yet.  I've heard stories of other widows and the "rebounds."  I don't want to be that girl.  I want to figure things out before I get myself into anything.  I need to get my own life together.. figure out what I want again.  Even if that means talking to different guys to find out.

Right after Josh died I thought it was totally impossible to be with someone else.  I had my mind set that my life was planned with him and no one else.  What I realized is I will never stop loving Josh and no one will ever replace him.  No one.  But I don't want to be alone forever.  I want a fairy tale just like every other girl.  It's just that now that's going to take a little time.  The people I talk to from here on out have to understand that.  If they want to take that chance with me.. they'll wait.  Wait for me to figure it out.  Even if that means talking to someone else.  It's going to take time.  Maybe even years.

At first I was devastated by that.  I was supposed to be getting married and starting my life.  Watching other people do that while I sit back is hard for me.  I know in my heart that it's going to take time.  Time for me to heal.  Time for me to figure life out again.  Time for me to figure out what I want.

I can't settle down right now and I won't.  It would be unfair to me and to someone else.  What most people don't understand is how hard it is to put your life back together after something so traumatic happens.  To put your trust back into life and what it can be.  You lose all hope.  I was talking to a girl I work with today and for the past 10 months I stopped caring about anything and everything.  I gained weight.. I will stay in bed for hours.  I just don't give a shit.  That's an awful attitude to have and I know that.  Really though I don't think you can expect much more than that from a fairly new war widow.

It's no wonder that when people are married for several years and their spouse dies.. they die shortly after.  You physically can't live without them.  I still haven't learned to live with just me.  For so long it was "Chrissy and Josh."  Now it's just Chrissy.  I'm not ready to be Chrissy and someone else yet.  It's going to be a while.

I want to be happy more than anything in the world.. eventually.  Truth is I'm still grieving.  Learning how to laugh and smile again.  That's tough for someone in my place.  Something that seems so simple becomes so hard.  Most people can't even fathom what it's like to go through it.  I hear people complaining about life and I so badly want to ask them if they know how bad it can really be.

I see people who have it all.. yet they're unhappy for some reason.  People cheat.. leave their families.  I don't get it.  You have it all and you don't care.  Cheating or having a "spare" seems to be the thing to do these days.  I actually finally told someone about Josh and the response I got?  "If it makes you feel any better I just broke up with my fiance."  No.  No it doesn't make me feel better.  I would give up my life just to have one more day.  Why is it that I tried so hard to do everything by the book and I'm the one who ends up empty handed?  I'm the one that gets my life taken away.  That's one thing I'll never understand.

Point is.. no matter how far I come.. I still have a long way to go.  I'll figure it out eventually, but it's no surprise to anyone that it's going to take some time.  In the mean time.. l'll stay close to my true friends.  The people who left me high and dry and the ones who have so much to say can f off.  I'm done with it.  Worrying about that kind of negativity isn't going to get me anywhere.  All that will do is hold me back and I clearly don't have the extra time for that.

*A fellow wid, Katie, blogged about her feelings on a widow's dating world.  You can find it here.  Katie became a single mother and widow after the death of her husband.  Her words are inspiring.. Go check out her blog.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Ball of Emotions

I apologize for my extended absence.  Lately things have been pretty rough and the days I have gone through have been tough pills to swallow.  If anything it was more days that I survived, easy or not.

The first one was the 15th.  Friday marked a year since I had last touched him.  I remember that morning so vividly.  Waking up in the wee hours of the morning so I could get to the airport and he could get to his inspection.  I remember driving there.  It was still dark so you could only see the lights of Jacksonville as we drove away to the airport.  He held my hand the whole way there.  I couldn't even talk.  The tears rolled down my face as I stared out the window.  Occasionally gazing over as he focused on the road dressed in his cammies.  I remember how my heart sank when I saw the airport sign and we made the left turn off the highway.  "This is it," is all I could think.  We pulled up, got out of the car, and he took my suitcase out of the trunk.  We looked at each other and he grabbed me as I cried harder.  He gave me a kiss and let go.  I remember him asking if I was okay.  Before I could even answer he said "come here" and pulled me back in.  He kissed me on the forehead and told me he loved me.  I grabbed my suitcase and walked inside with tears pouring out of my eyes.  I remember turning around and looking through the glass window to watch him drive away. 

You know what was ironic about that day?  I was so pissed off at my family when I got home.  I was in a rotten mood after my plane landed and everyone just kept pushing me to spend time with them and "loosen up."  I just cried.  I remember snapping and saying, "Do you know what I did today?  What if I don't see him again?"  And I didn't.  That was the last time I saw him.  A whole entire year seems insane.

Which brings me to my next point.  Yesterday was a year ago that the deployment started.  I was at work so we were texting all day as they got ready to leave.  I remember going out with my friends last night and getting items for my first care package.  I freaked when a storm hit and my cell phone wasn't working.  If I missed my last phone call I was going to be livid.  I didn't get that phone call anyways because he text me as they were taking off when they found out that they wouldn't be stopping in Maine this time.  Luckily at the time my brother stayed up all night with me and watched movies.  No one likes a deployment day.  It was the "here we go again" kinda feeling.  I felt like an expert though.  I had already done it once so I could surely do it again.  I was ready to get it over with so that we could start our lives once he returned home. 

I hate that people have to die.  On Thursday I went to the funeral of someone that I knew when I was growing up.  He was only 66 and left behind a wife and two daughters.  He was the Fire Chief in our town for many years so he was a well known and respected man in our community.  I snuck into the back of my Church because I've been a bad Catholic ever since Josh died.  I haven't stepped foot in that Church for several reasons.  Mostly because I'm still angry and even though it's probably wrong that is where I place most of my blame.  To sit through Funerals anymore is so incredibly difficult.  As I watched the family file in I was caught off guard as the husband of one of the daughters entered wearing his dress blues.  He is a Marine that was in Afghanistan and made it home just in time for the funeral.  That was probably about the time I was thinking it wasn't such a swell idea to put myself through another funeral.  I gathered my thoughts as the Priest began.  I did okay most of the time.  It just broke my heart to see his wife in front of me crying over the loss of her husband.  I know how incredibly difficult it was for me to sit there for Josh let alone after 43 years of marriage and two daughters.  My heart broke for all of them.  At the end they draped an American flag over the casket and started playing Amazing Grace.  Game over.  That combination does not sit well with me at all.  As everyone filed out of the Church, that was the same moment I decided not to follow the procession to the cemetery. 

I made my way back to my house and walked the two blocks down the main street in town where I saw this:


His casket made its way down Main Street on his favorite truck.  It was escorted by several other Fire Trucks along with all of the cars in the procession.  Each made its way underneath the flag one at a time.  It was a tear jerker to watch.  I remember that feeling.. Watching the people lined up on the streets to show their respect.  It is people like this that truly make an impact and leave a lasting impression on this community. 


After the procession ended I went back to my house.  I was officially in a slump for the rest of the day.  When I do something like that it emotionally drains me for a good 24 hours.  It's different though after you go through something so traumatic you feel so much for the family that is now in that position.  My thoughts and prayers are with the Misurda family. 

The one amazing thing about this community is the support that you have when something like this happens.  As painful as it is there is that constant reminder that you never have to do anything alone.  I have to remind myself of that sometimes.  I don't have to do it alone.  Sometimes I want to though.  It's weird.  But no matter what the people that really care stand back and wait for me to come to them.  For now I'm okay.  I passed over the bad parts of this month so I'll keep pushing forward.  I really wish September 2nd didn't feel so close.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

EAS

Two days ago, July 1, was Josh's EAS date.  The day I have waited the past four years for was FINALLY here.  Marine Corps free!  Who isn't excited about that?  It was the day when we didn't have Uncle Sam controlling us.

But..

It doesn't mean anything anymore.

When I first realized it I thought, "oh my God it's finally here."  Then my heart just sank.  It's finally here and it's not going to happen.   It was supposed to be the first day of our happily ever after.  We had so many plans, but we had to get to this first and we didn't. 

The night before I was just a mess about it.  The day of wasn't so bad.  Once again the anticipation is worse than the day itself.  I tried to stay busy Friday so I didn't have too much time to think about it.  It still just flat out sucked.  It is so irritating to think about where you thought you were going to be and then you look at where you are.  I don't know that I will ever stop being bitter.  No matter who I am with I still think about everything.  The people I hang out with will tell you.. it's quite a stare into space. 

It's days like that when i just want my life back to the way it was.  Nothing real great has happened since September.  It's sad that I can be content staying in my bed all day not socializing with the world.  I still hate to go out in public because I know I have that label and people just stare at me.  I hate it.  Not to mention how whack my emotions are most of the time.  I snap at the drop of a hat. 

I'm really just over it all.  Not to mention yesterday was another two.  I hate that the number keeps getting higher.  10 months is complete craziness.  I really really really don't want to hit a year.  Thankfully I had a full day yesterday.   I went down to Pittsburgh to see Kenny Chesney, Zac Brown Band, Billy Currington, and Uncle Cracker.  And of course, leave it to Zac Brown Band to do a salute to the Fallen and those who are currently serving.  Yup, good fun with that one.  It was a pretty good night though and I was distracted away from focusing too much on the 'two.'

Things are about to get rocky and I just don't even want to deal with it.  I need a time machine asap.

Anyways, enjoy your fourth of July everyone!  Remember the day isn't just about the cookouts, family, friends, and fireworks.  There is so much more to it, so don't forget..