Saturday, June 27, 2015

Alive and Well

Today was another Poker Run Day..  Josh's family does an amazing job organizing the run and regardless of the monsoon outside they still had a nice turnout.  I look forward to seeing everyone again and catching up.  However, it also brings me a huge amount of anxiety.  Bittersweet is a good way to describe it.

I love that everyone can still come together to honor and remember Josh.  That there is still support from a community that was shaken after his loss.  It's an amazing thing to see.

Besides that fact that I had a horrible headache.. the day always seems to be a blur.  Hard to process.  I guess that's my minds way of toughing up to get through another day.  Not to knock on anyone, but a majority of the American population doesn't understand.  They don't understand the sacrifice to keep our country free.  They don't understand the pain left behind with families of fallen service members.  They don't understand that it NEVER goes away.  Really.. I mean never. 

It's easy for people to say "move on" or "get over it." Sureeeeee.  I'll get right on that.  I remember thinking for the longest time, "Surely it's got to get better."  Well.. I'm here to tell you that I am here 5 years later and I still think about it every. single. day.  I'm alive and well and content with my life, but I can assure you that I am not "over it."

If I could delete the months of May through September off of the calendar that would be fabulous.  I spend a lot of my time trying to push those feelings away, but there are days when you just can't.  Like Memorial Day, Poker Run, September 2nd, Veterans Day, February's Homecoming..... Catching my drift?

Which brings me to this..

I remember the days when I thought I couldn't possibly go on.  When I didn't feel like I had an ounce of strength to make it one more day.  When I felt like all my life purpose was gone because everything I had imagined was taken.

I survived.  

I'm here.. Living it each day.  For whatever reason this was my chosen path and I'm slowly getting better at accepting that.  It's hard to do.  We are so driven in our lives to ask "why" and to have an answer to everything.  I guess there are times when we really need to have a little faith and know that we have that strength to go on.  

Good days and bad (which still exist).. I'm still here to tell the story.  It will be 5 years this September.. 5!  That doesn't even seem remotely possible.  It's gone fast and slow at the same time.  I've come to the conclusion that there is no good way to describe in until you live it.

My thoughts and so scattered when I write here, but I felt like today was a good day to check in and say that I'm alive.. and well.

Much love <3