Thursday, April 19, 2012

It's been a while..

.. a long long while.  I haven't forgot about the blogging world!  I've just been so busy lately I haven't had as much time to update as I did in the past. 

Things have been going pretty well.  As time goes on it gets a little better, but never goes away.  I think about him everyday and there are constant reminders of different things that happened over the 5 years that we were together.  Part of me hates that time keeps moving on because it feels like he goes further and further away.  It caught me off guard the other day to think that it will be 2 years this year.  When I think about that day it seems like yesterday.  Some days it's overwhelming to the point of just crying because I never wanted to be in this position.  Other days it's smiling for the time that we did have.  It's a constant up and down.  The down days get further apart, but it seems to be that when there is a down day they can be a whole lot worse.  I still ask why and wonder if it could have been different. I suppose that's something you never let go of.. you never stop the love. 

Things with Jeff are going well.  It's been a little over a year since we started talking again.  I'm so lucky to have someone there again.  I know some people look at it in a negative way.  Trust me.. it's harder for me than anyone could ever really imagine.  I'm extremely fortunate to be with someone who is so accepting of it and respectful of Josh's place in my life.  By no means is this an easy thing for him either.  It's comforting to me that I can talk about it, cry, smile, laugh, or whatever when it comes to talking about Josh and he always listens. 

Something I've come to realize is it isn't about "replacing" or someone coming in second.  It's something different.  I care about each of them in their own way and no matter where life takes me, Josh will always be with me.  He's in my heart and I know he'll watch over me.  I'm a lucky girl to have that twice.  I convinced myself that I was just going to be a fat nun living in a convent for the rest of my life.  Really though.. what fun is that?

Things happen for a reason even if I will never know what they are.  Shit happens.  Bottom line.  Whether it be something as serious as losing someone or a fight with a friend.  It's just how it goes.  It amazes me though that someone actually brought Josh's death into something to try knocking me down.  Jeff ripped the phone out of my hand ready to take someone out.. but I took it back finishing the conversation only to know that I can't stoop to that same level.  I just never thought people could be so disrespectful.  The last thing Josh ever deserves is someone to use his death against me in a negative manner.  I would never think of using a tragic time in someones life as something to try and knock them down. 

One thing I have learned through all of this is everyone has their own opinions and people will always talk.  There will never be a day when everybody agrees.. its impossible.  Through it all I've learned that I'm strong.  I'm better than that and I can get through anything.  I'm a strong believer in karma.  A believer in the fact that Josh is watching and protecting me from above while I have Jeff here.  People are out to get you sometimes.  No matter how nice or how hard you work there is always someone that will have something to say about it. 

I was always the girl that let people get to me.. and that needs to stop.  For the longest time I kept worrying about what everyone would think if they found out I was talking to someone new.  And what for?  At some point I realized that I needed to do what was best for me and to hell with everyone else.  Everything I've been through has only made me stronger.  I don't need negative people in my life.  I've been so blessed to have amazing friends and family that have stood by my side no matter what. 

The day I stopped stressing about everyone else is the day it started getting better.  I'm slowly, but surely moving forward in my life.  You realize you can't just stop when the rest of the world keeps on turning.  Just because you move forward doesn't mean that you ever forget.  It's a part of who you are and it shapes the person you become.  I need to keep focusing on me and what makes me happy.  For now.. I can't say life is all that bad.  I have everything I need.. whether it be here or up in the sky.