Sunday, October 31, 2010

Void

I hate the void that I constantly feel and try to fix. As time goes on I'm realizing more and more everyday that it's never going to be filled. It may get better, get easier to deal with, whatever. BUT I will always have the void.

I never in a million years thought I was going to be living this life. Did I know it was a possibility? Yes. But no one wants to think it will be them. People don't know what it is like to live with the constant struggle of going day after day without the most important person in your life.

Sure, one day I will probably being happy again. It still makes me so angry that I have to live with this for the rest of my life. That I have to live without you when we were counting on forever. I saw a Winnie the Pooh quote yesterday..

"If you live to be 100, I want to be 100 minus one day so I never have to live without you

That is how I always felt. I never ever wanted to live another day of my life without you. Well. So much for that because now I have to.

I constantly find myself longing for you and somehow trying to patch it up. Wear your clothes, cling to things that you gave me, listen to the songs that you liked, but it really doesn't do much good. I'm not even sure if I have fully realized that come February you aren't stepping off of that bus with everyone else.

I'm still debating on homecoming. Should I go or should I stay? For some reason I feel like I should be there- be there for you. At the same time, it is just going to be another smack of reality and I don't know if I can handle that.

I wish I could change things.. I really do. Now I can only hope that when its my turn you will be there waiting for me with open arms. It just makes me sad that the day that it comes is still a whole lifetime away. And I miss you now.

One of my friends sent me this song last night and it is really similar to our situation and I do find some comfort in it.



Thursday, October 28, 2010

Here goes nothing


I hope this does you justice <3

Good afternoon, my name is Chrissy Young and I am a 2008 graduate of Penns Manor.  Today I’m here to talk to you about someone very close to my heart.  How many times have you read a story in the paper or saw a clip on the news involving an American military member who had been killed while serving his or her country? If you are anything like most other people, your immediate reaction was probably, "Oh my gosh, that is so horrible," or "how sad" or "I'm glad my family doesn't have to deal with anything like that."   While you may have the utmost respect and admiration for the members of our military, it is difficult for most of you to fully understand the danger they place themselves in each and every day to protect the lives we all live here in the United States of America.  
Anyone with a heart feels a certain degree of sadness when they hear about a service member losing their life in combat.  However, until it happens to someone close you, there is no way anyone can possibly understand how it affects so many lives.  I am here today to try to convey to all of you what type of a person it takes to put his or her life on hold and risk sacrificing their own life for millions of people -- people like you and me -- that they have never even met.  It takes a person of character, a person who knows what they have, is thankful for what they have, and is willing to give whatever it takes to preserve those freedoms for all of us. It takes a person with more courage than most people can even imagine. That is why I am here to tell you about Lance Corporal Joshua T. Twigg.
For the past 5 years of my life, I have been lucky enough to know Josh Twigg, a 2007 Penns Manor graduate, who was also my best friend and boyfriend.   I met Josh those 5 years ago at this very high school.  It was easy to see that we were both very different.  Josh was the funny outgoing guy who was usually doing something he wasn’t supposed to be doing and I was the straight A student who was quiet and well behaved. Throughout our high school years, Josh was known by many of his classmates and teachers as the fun, easygoing guy.  He played football for six years and he enjoyed every second of his time here at Penns Manor.  No matter what, he always had you laughing and put an instant smile on your face.  It wasn’t unheard of to see him in the hallway making jokes and usually misbehaving along the way.  We spent day after day in the lunchroom while his table repeatedly shot water bottle caps toward other tables, and one cap hit me right in the forehead during a lunch period.
Many times I walked past the office doors to see Josh sitting there waiting to visit the principal. At other times I would walk past Mr. D. Fulton’s history classroom to hear him take a deep breath and say “Mr. Twigg”.  I often found myself in Mr. R Fulton’s math class to hear him say to Josh’s class “What are you guys doing you’re going to be on the outside looking in.”  Regardless of doing things he probably shouldn’t have been- everyone was always laughing with him, teachers included. 
As a student here at Penns Manor, I attended Veterans Day assemblies, just like you.  I sat in this same auditorium, hearing guest speakers every single Veterans day.  Three years ago I was a senior and I stood on this same stage taking part in the Veterans Day assembly, but I never really understood the true meaning of this day.  I first began to fully understand Veterans Day three years ago.  Josh had recently graduated boot camp and was in Infantry school in North Carolina.  As I sat on this stage listening to reverend McCulley speak about his son who gave his life in Iraq, my eyes filled with tears.  Was this really happening to people?  As I cried to one of my friends shortly after the end of the ceremony, I remember thinking, “that won’t happen me.”  Here I am three short years later- and it is me.   I’m here to tell to you about my life with the military, the sacrifices of our military members, and what we can do to recognize and support them in the future; and I want to start by telling you our story.
As high school sweethearts starting into adult life we passed through a lot, but we were a team taking it all together.  Josh was a Lance Corporal in the United States Marine Corps assigned to the 2nd Battalion 9th Marine Regiment out of Camp LeJeune North Carolina.  I stayed at home going to school at IUP while he lived 10 hours away doing his job as a Marine.  My life started on this crazy roller coaster on July 1 2007, the day Josh left for boot camp.  I remember dreading that day for months and it was the longest day ever.  As I stood in his kitchen around 5pm that day with tears in my eyes I thought, “4 years that’s all, and we can get through this.” 
Over the past 3 years we had many tearful “see you laters,” we survived a deployment to Iraq, countless field ops, living off of phone calls when we had the chance, 96 hour visits, and everything else accompanying the Marine lifestyle.  It isn’t just about the deployments because the whole lifestyle is hard.  For those of you who don’t know you can’t make any plans that are involving the Marine Corps.  I can’t tell you the countless times our plans were ruined when Josh would get stuck at work late or they decided it was necessary for him to have duty the weekend he was set to come home.  Before this last deployment I had officially decided the Marine Corps didn’t want to share Josh with me.
Josh deployed for the second time to Afghanistan on July 17 of this year and was set to return sometime in February 2011.  It is natural for anyone to be scared of deployments, but I was doing okay.  He was a good Marine and this was our last deployment, so the Marine Corps was going to be just the first chapter in our lives.  However, deployments are very hard on all parties involved.  Even though it is the service member that is deployed, you will often hear that it is always harder on the silent ranks of the Marine Corps, the spouses they leave behind.  We live in a world of the unknown. 
I spent several hours gripping my phone waiting on a call that “just might come,” sitting in front my computer screen hoping his name would pop up, writing countless letters and emails, sending care packages, and becoming the best of friends with girls I didn’t even know; but we had the common bond of our guys being on this deployment together.  We would be up until the wee hours of the morning talking about what we’re going to do after this deployment is over which waiting for those calls and instant messages.  At 5 am on September 1st my phone rang and as I rolled over to pick up my phone I saw “Josh Afghanistan” on my caller id.  My Nana would tell you about the mornings in our household and that I am a bear when I get woken up early.  However, this was one of Josh’s favorite pastimes to hear my grumpy self on the other end of the line because he woke me up. He and his friends often found it funny to wake me up and tell me stories because it usually takes me about 10 minutes to catch up with what’s going on.  As much as I hate getting up early, I never objected to phone calls coming from the sand box.  When I was finally awake, he had me laughing and we talked as we usually did.  He had a few more things to do that day so he told me he had to go, but he would call back as soon as he could.  Around 6 am, I gave my normal be careful speech and we exchanged our “I love you’s,” it was going to be a good day.
On the morning of September 2nd, just before 8 am, my phone rang again.  This time I quickly realized it wasn’t Josh, it was his Dad and I knew something was wrong.  I got the worst phone call one could ever imagine that morning.  I answered the phone only to hear him on the other end say, “Chrissy, Josh was killed this morning.”   My heart sank.  As I sat up in my bed I kept thinking No, no this is not happening to me right now, he promised he would be home.  It can’t be him there has to be a mistake.  This is his last deployment there is no way it could happen now.  As I hung up the phone I ran down the stairs screaming for my Nana.  I got to the bottom and in that instant it hit my like a train.  I fell to the floor and burst into tears.  This was a military spouse’s worst nightmare and I was about to start living it.
I know most of you have read the Revolutionary war novel, “My Brother Sam is Dead,” in Mrs. Zuchelli’s class or watched the history videos in Mr. Zayachak’s class; but it is difficult to fully understand the sacrifices our service men and women make.  From the beginning of this country, we have been patriotic and supportive of our troops.  On this Veterans Day, we should ask ourselves, has our patriotism drifted away? Do we just expect others to step forward and serve while the rest of us live comfortably at home?   Are we doing all that we can to support them?  I was guilty of not doing everything I could, but I have changed my ways and I want to encourage you to do the same.  I had to learn the hard way.  At 20 years old I have been deemed a “war widow” and I find myself picking up the pieces of what could have been.    
The Marines serving in Afghanistan are currently living without all of the comforts we take for granted such as cooked meals, electricity, running water, and a hundred other things we would never want to live without.  Now it our chance to step up and support the friends he left behind in Afghanistan.  Penns Manor is currently collecting items for care packages to be sent to Josh’s unit.  A collection barrel is currently in the lobby and I encourage each of you to contribute to this cause.  I can assure you a care package from home means more to these men than you will ever know.  Today is your chance to start making a difference.  This can easily be accomplished by making a donation or even by simply saying “thank you” to a military member or veteran for serving our great nation.    
Josh was so proud to be a Marine and serve his country.  One thing about Josh was he held me, his family, and his friends close to his heart.  He would have done anything in the world for us; but his love for us did not stop him from stepping up and serving his country.  Josh was the other half of our team and the most amazing person I know.  I can only hope to be half of the person he was in his lifetime.  It breaks my heart that I have to go on in this life without him by my side and to start over when all of our plans together are no longer possible.  One thing is for sure, he lived every second of his life to the fullest and for that he will always be remembered.  Josh made an impact on everyone who knew him.  His best friend in the Marine Corps, Pvt Jonathan Hart, summed Josh up in a few sentences, “Josh was a great leader and the best of friends.  He was a big guy, but I can assure you he had an even bigger heart.  He excelled above most as a Marine and people looked up to him.”  If one thing came from this it is the pride I feel in my heart and the family of Marines Josh left me with.  He made such a long last impression and his love for me was so well known, that guys I barely know have taken a huge role in my life and I have more big brother figures that I ever could have imaged.  I too am a part of the Marine Corps family and I am forever thankful that Josh gave me that.  A part of him will live on in me forever and he will never be forgotten.  It is our chance to step up for Josh and all the brave men and women serving in our military.    Thank you.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Empty Corner

For as long as I can remember, I always had you in my corner. You let me cry, bitch, complain, vent, whatever it was to you all the time. Regardless of the situation you were always on my side no matter what.

I'm really starting to miss that more and more everyday. I hate that I can't call you and just tell you how I feel, and for you to tell me it would be okay or you would be the first to take care of it for me. Now I end up calling someone to tell them something and get a lecture or something I just don't want to hear.

I miss having you there to defend me. You always stood up for me no matter what. Lacking that comfort makes me feel overly vulnerable and I just want the "safe" feeling of being back in your arms. I felt like no one could ever hurt me when I was with you.

For so long we have been a team. I never had to go through anything alone and the fact that we took everything on together made it so much more bearable. This team is down to one player and I hate it. Things were so much better when we were facing the world together. I never had to worry about things because you were always right there in my corner.

We were such a good "team" that I'm not sure why God thought it would be a good idea to take us away from each other. People can tell me 50 times over that "Heaven needed a hero" or "Only the good die young," but damnit. I NEEDED you. I still need you. You were my hero. Really, I don't want to share.  I want to be selfish and keep you to myself.

I'm mad you got taken away from me entirely too soon because I need you to be here for me.  I'm sick of hearing "he's still here." Yeah, well.  Not the way I need you to be.  You were so many things for me and I can't get that back.  It makes me wonder if I will ever have that again.  I had so many things with you- we were a perfect match.  We were two different people but we complimented each other perfectly.

Who gets that twice in a lifetime?  You loved me, you took care of me, you would have done ANYTHING for me.  Why in the world did you get taken away?  What sense does it make to break something up that was so perfect?

You were my match and my other half.  I'm not real sure how to take on the world by myself.  Actually, I don't know how to do anything without you.  For 5 years you were the rock in my life, the one person I went to for everything, the one that never ever turned there back on me.  So why did you have to go?

I'll never know why, but one thing is for sure- I will live the rest of my wondering what the answer is to that question.

Monday, October 25, 2010

The Impatient Planner

That would be me, but you already know that.

It's driving me nuts that I don't know where I'm going in life.  For the longest time we had a plan.

Plan being:
  • Finish deployment
  • Finish enlistment
  • Get engaged
  • Move home
  • Finish school/get job
  • Get married
  • Start a family
  • Build a house
  • Live happily ever after
Here's my plan now:
  • .
Yup, no clue.  I hate that my life is in a million pieces and I'm still not sure where to go or what to do.  That feeling is making me a crazy person. My life was so much easier when I had a plan.  I knew where I was going and what I wanted to do.  Now I'm sorta feeling like I don't have a purpose.  God only knows how long it will be until I find one again, IF I find one again.

Where's my plan in all of this?  I'm not seeing the bigger picture here or for what reason this had to happen.  I'm the type of person that wants to quickly pick up the pieces and put it all back together.  Hell, for the other crisis' in my life I did do that.  I just put on my smile and everything was okay.

I can't do that this time.  My life is in too many pieces to pick back up right now and in all reality I'm missing half of the puzzle.  I know you're always going to be with me, but not the way I want you to be.  When it comes down to it I know you won't let me live my life unhappy and miserable.  However, it is always going to be in the back of my mind.  What we could have had or what we were supposed to have.

I need my plan back.  For the past 5 years we had a plan and it was all working out perfectly until 7.5 weeks ago.  Why me?  Why now?  Thanks Mr. All High and Mighty for leading me on all of this time thinking it was going finally going to work.  This plan was getting to be set in stone.  Things picked out, moving forward, all to come to an abrupt end and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

I didn't choose any of this.  Why is it that we don't get a say in our fate?  Not fair.  The control freak in me wants to fix it and make it better asap.  I'm pretty sure I'm OCD when it comes to having a plan in life and they might need to put me in a crazy house soon.  Kourtney could probably attest to this more than anyone right now.

So, Joshua Thomas.  Help me out here.  I need you to tell/show me where to go and what to do.  I still need you and I'm always going to.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Just when you think it can't get worse

I'm blog happy today just because it's been such a shit day.

I got your box back.  Talk about another reality check.

I really do not know how I'm going to keep doing this.  Being a "war widow" is the worst thing someone could ever go through.  Really right now?  I'm 20 years old!  As if my life hasn't been hard enough this happens to me.  I swear to God I have had the worst 20 years out of anyone I know.  Today I should be happy.. we would be half way done with this deployment and we'd be on our way to starting our Marine Corps free life.  Now when February rolls around.  Instead of getting you back and getting my "rock"  I get nothing.  Wtf is up with that? 

I just want you back in my life.  I lost such a huge part of me and I have no freaking clue how to live without it.  I watched the Steeler game and it hurts more and more every time when I can't give you my full report/analysis on the games.  I keep looking at my facebook and seeing your chat box in the right hand corner and I just keep thinking maybe it'll light up again.  I know it won't, but I refuse to close it.

I'm so angry that there are girls back here cheating on their husbands/boyfriends and not giving a crap about what happens.  But you better believe they're 100% alive and well.  Yeah, that's real fair.  Really God, get your priorities  straight.  Just wait Joshua when I'm on my way to the pearly gates I'm bitching thee entire way up (cause I know you probably miss that oh so much).  Me and God are gonna have a very looooooooooooooong chit chat when I get there.

To top it off I've inherited "widow brain" as it has been deemed by others.  I cannot remember anything these days and it becomes more and more obvious everyday.  You know how I am.. I color code my freaking organizer for each class!  But now, I can't remember a damn thing.  Ask the people I work with.  I screw stuff up all the time and it's really starting to make me mad.  Someone will talk to me and I forget instantly, I don't remember how to do things or go places.  Talk about annoying.

Well.  Me and my bitchy self need to do some homework that I will probably just look at.  I know, I know, "Christina Marie, what did I tell you?  Worry about school." I got it babe don't worry.

It was only just a dream

Two nights, two dreams. 

Upside? You're there and they feel so real.  Downside?  Its just a dream.  I was so disappointed when I woke up this morning.  Just another day in reality after spending another night with you.

I don't really remember the first dream from Friday night.  All I remember is laying with you and you squeezed my hand and opened your eyes.  I'm not real sure what happened after that.

But last night..

I came down off of the hill coming into Clymer because someone told me they saw you.  I went to pull into my driveway and there you were all bandaged up standing there waiting for me.  As I jumped into your arms and started to cry you just picked me up and held me.  You said, "I'll always love you baby I'm never going to leave you."

There were some things after that but they aren't relevant.  Regardless, the whole thing felt so damn real that I was not a happy camper when I woke up.

Now I'm just sad/hurt/angry and about 50 other emotions.  I just want you back.  I want my life back because I'm sick and tired of this one.  Last night as I listened to others talk about weddings and babies it hit me.  Two months ago I was a part of those conversations, and now I have nothing to say.  It makes me so mad that you got taken away from me and everything we wanted is no longer a possibility.

Instead of being excited because we're halfway done with this deployment like everyone else,  I'm a whole lifetime away from being with you again.

I would give anything and more to be with you again.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Llama and the Library

First and foremost- Welcome to my new blog!  The fabulous Mrs. Muffins did my blog design that I absolutely love.  It feels like home now.

Today wasn't too bad.  Much better than the two days prior that is for sure.  I hope you're impressed by my care package drive.  It's all for you babe.  It really is amazing how fast this has taken off and how willing people are to help.   In just 2 days we have already raised $700 and donations have been pouring in.  It makes me happy to know that we (more so you than me) made such an impact on people.  We were quite the team if I do say so myself.  I'll keep you updated on this as the time goes on :)

You're probably wondering why in the world my title of this blog is llama and the library.  Well.  Funny story.  As I was writing my speech today I was trying to put in as much happy/funny stuff as I could.  I don't want it to be depressing because that's not you.  You were always upbeat and positive so that is how I am going to treat this speech.

Anyways.

I was writing about the last time I talked to you when you called me at 5 am.  I added in how you always loved to wake me up because I was A. confused and B. grumpy.  I couldn't even count the times I would get woken up and we'd have this conversation "Awe, is the little pickle grumpy" as I smacked you and said "babe leave me alone I'm tired."  Although, you just couldn't resist and kept picking at me.  But all this waking me up stuff reminded me of one specific time when you were in North Carolina.

You woke me up in the middle of the night and I was beyond confused.  Usually I catch on but nope, not this time.  Actually, I didn't get it until the next morning.  So I roll over and grab my phone because its probably close to 230 am when the bar closed.  You along with your side kick Hart were on the other end of the line.  Some how or other (I'm still not sure how) but you freaking convinced me that I had to return a llama to the library.  Um, yeah.  And I believed you!  All I remember yelling was "babe I'm not going I'm too tired," but nope you kept insisting that I promised I would go.  Meany.

And this is kind of off topic but I just got this in a message and it did in fact bring a smile to my face.  I'm going to block out names though just in case it wasn't supposed to be known...

"I never met Twigg, so it may not be as exciting, but ****** has shared a few stories with me and one in particular stood out to me since his passing. Some time ago, the first story he shared with me about Twigg was that he was the one good friend he had who had a sincere relationship with his girlfriend. I don't have testimony straight from Josh, but the I hope hearing the secondhand story from ****** almost makes it 10 times more credible. Twigg made it known to all who cared to listen that he loved you so much, and he wasn't afraid to let it be known. Those boys are so scared to admit their vulnerable sides sometimes (especially love), and thats the FIRST thing i learned about him. (second being "he's a big mother fucker" hahaha)"

I love you.  So so much.  It's things like that that bring comfort to me these days.  No matter how many years from now I have to go on without you, I'm still going to love you every second of everyday.  That's the one thing death can't take away from me, no one can.  We had a bond strong enough to get us through anything and that includes this.

I don't know what the future holds for me anymore.  The one thing I do know- you will always love me and you're going to hold my hold the entire way.  I was reading text messages earlier and one that I saved says "I love you and I always will."  We're gonna get through this.  Just like we did with everything else.  I love you lots babe.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

It wasn't long enough

Our time together wasn't long enough, but I tell you what, these last 7 weeks have felt like an eternity.
7 whole weeks.

I feel like I haven't talked to you in a lifetime and I want to so badly.  There are so many things I want to tell you right now and I just want you to make it all better for me.  I got spoiled in the last 5 years because you fixed everything for me.  You were a lot more than just a boyfriend to me.  I don't think a lot of people understand that.  Really after everything that has already happened in my life, you were always there for me no matter what.  Regardless of the situation I always had you in my corner.  Now that corner is feeling pretty empty.

I hate being alone.  I can't call you crying or angry just to get "it'll be okay babe."  I have nothing.  Really where do you even turn in a time like this?  When it comes down to people understanding I have your marine friends (who I've inherited as a bunch of big brothers and talk to them like I've known them for years), the marine girls, and without a doubt Rachel, Kai-lee, and Lauren.  I feel so bad because people want to help, but you can't really make this better.  And if you aren't close to the situation (military affiliated) you still don't have much of an idea as to how this feels.  It'd be nice though if someone could just take this away.

The weird feeling is you can be in a room full of people, laughing and having a good time, but within a matter of seconds that void hits you like a train.  I've just been a mess today and I'm not so sure people understand when I fall apart.  I'm currently sitting in my office with my crazy curly hair (you should probably appreciate that part even though its reflecting my laziness today :p) in my sweats, and tears in my eyes.  I really would like to go back to my bed because I feel a lot better when people aren't looking at me and not knowing what to say.

The past 24 hours have been one of the worst since this happened.  I don't know what is is with Thursdays, but ever since Thursday September 2nd, its my worst day of the week.  I really need to like find a way to just skip over that part of the week.  Maybe it'd make things easier and that would be one less day that I have to live my life without you.

Everyone swears up and down it'll get better, but how can it?  I'm going to live with this pain for the rest of my life.  Sure, I'll live my life, but I'm always going to wonder what could have been with me and you.

The crappy part?  I'll never know.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

"You know you can put on a smile"

Yeah.  Someone told me that today.  Had it not been someone grading me, I may have come back with a smart comment.

I mean really?!  Everyone knows exactly what is going on with me, including her.  Until today I thought I had been putting on a pretty good front, but evidently not good enough.  I think I do an okay job of putting on my face and getting through each day.  What people don't know is what happens when i'm alone.

I've been thinking about you all day today.  I miss all of the little things you used to do.  I miss being woken up at 5 am just to hear I love you.  I miss you telling me I can do anything I want when I put my mind to it.  I miss hearing "Christina Marie" when I was usually in trouble. I miss calling you on my way to school and usually getting yelled at for my driving. I miss fighting with you.  I miss your laugh. I miss my rock.  I miss you always being there.

I feel such a void in my life.  I try so hard to cover it all up and move on with my daily life, but I can't.  I've been doing this care package drive which has truly been amazing, but no matter what I still feel the same at the end of the day.  I hate every second of it.  I'm so incredibly hurt and angry I don't even know what to do with myself.  I'm so mad that my life was taken away from me faster than I can blink.  I'm hurt that I have to life my life without you.  I replay all the things we wanted to do in my head over and over again and it tears me apart.  What's even worse?  You will never have a chance at any of that.  I still have to live my life and you can't.  It's not fair.

I see so many people in this world and question time and time again why this had to be you.  Why not some worthless piece of shit sitting in jail?  I'm so sick and tired of the "only the good die young" speech.  It's irritating.  Why should the good die young?  It's an effed up logic if you ask me. 

And you know.  I'm so angry that more and more families have to keep going through this.  There have been what like 12 people in the last few days?  Wtf is up with that?  I know how awful this is and I don't want a single person to have to do this.

Today I ate lunch with my sixth graders and they asked what my bracelet was.  It's your memorial bracelet, so I briefly told them what happened and started talking about something else.  As we were walking out of the lunchroom one of the girls approached me and said "so and so (can't say names) wanted me to tell you she knows how you feel, her dad died there."  That just tore me into a million pieces.  An 11 year old girl dealing with this?  Sickening.  Then again here I am at 20.  Unfair.

Completely unfair.

I really just want my life back because so far I'm hating my new one. 

Jokes over.  Can I have you back now?

Friday, October 15, 2010

Forever

This says enough..





I miss you so much
Your light, your smile, your way
And everything about us
Though you're gone, you're still here
In my heart and my tears
Yeah, you sure left your mark
And we were just getting started

It wasn't long enough,
It wasn't long enough together
But it was long enough,
Yeah, it was long enough to last forever

Sometimes I get so mad
I scream, I swear at this
Cause this isn't how we planned it
I sit here in a cold room
Prayin', waitin' on you
To run back through that door
To the way it was before you left

It wasn't long enough,
It wasn't long enough together
But it was long enough,
Yeah, it was long enough to last forever

I feel cheated, defeated
Can't believe that you're gone
Oh, it was wrong
It wasn't long enough
It wasn't long enough
It wasn't long enough

No, it wasn't long enough
It wasn't long enough together
But it was long enough
Yeah, it was long enough to last,
To last, to last forever

It wasn't long enough,
It wasn't long enough,
It wasn't long enough.

No, it wasn't long enough

It wasn't long enough,
It wasn't long enough,
It wasn't long enough.
It wasn't long enough,
It wasn't long enough,
It wasn't long enough.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Drained

Living this life is physically and emotionally draining on so many levels.  I feel like I am on a constant roller coaster ride and it's the craziest thing.  I can go from being okay and laughing then in second have tears rolling down my face.  Really- I just want it to go away.  I want my life back. I want you back.

As time goes on I get increasingly more frustrated with things. For one- the stupid things that people do to abuse the system.  If anything came of that blood boiler, you are a true hero.  You didn't walk away from your guys; you stood by them, knowing the risks and willing did your job.  I cannot even begin to tell you the mass amount of pain I feel, but at the same time, my heart just completely swells with pride.  I am so proud of you, more than you will ever know.

It just breaks my heart to live the rest of my life without you.  I have never in my whole life felt so alone and empty as I do now without you.  I can still feel you around me, but I am terrified that one day I am not going to have that feeling anymore.  Scared I am going to forget the things you did or said, forget the way you hugged me or kissed me, even the way you used to pick on the things I would do.  I don't want it to go away.  I want it to come back.  Thing is- I can't bring it back.  I can't do a damn thing about it and it drives me crazy. 

You know how much of a planner I am and right now my life is in a million pieces.  I don't even know where to start putting it back together.  I HATE not having a plan and for the past 5 years all of my plans included you.  Now what?  It's like if I could just talk to you one more time so you could tell me.  Where do I go, what do I do?  I don't know.  I have not a damn clue. 

Being here without you is driving me crazy and I hate it. 

By the way, I watched p.s. I love you the other night.  I remember watching that movie with you.  As I half-watched it again things made more sense to me.  One part really struck me though as I was doing my homework and I heard something.. It was the last letter.

"Dear Holly, I don't have much time. I don't mean literally, I mean you're out buying ice cream and you'll be home soon. But I have a feeling this is the last letter, because there is only one thing left to tell you. It isn't to go down memory lane or make you buy a lamp, you can take care of yourself without any help from me. It's to tell you how much you move me, how you changed me. You made me a man, by loving me Holly. And for that, I am eternally grateful... literally. If you can promise me anything, promise me that whenever you're sad, or unsure, or you lose complete faith, that you'll try to see yourself through my eyes. Thank you for the honor of being my wife. I'm a man with no regrets. How lucky am I. You made my life, Holly. But I'm just one chapter in yours. There'll be more. I promise. So here it comes, the big one. Don't be afraid to fall in love again. Watch out for that signal, when life as you know it ends. P.S. I will always love you"

Those are things you would tell me.  I wasn't even paying attention to that movie and for some reason I heard that, put my textbook down, and looked at the tv.  Maybe, just maybe, you were trying to tell me something.  I have your love in my heart and it gets me through the day.. knowing how much you love me and the type of life you want me to have.  And you left me with something- your strength. 

I'm going to do this, and I'm going to do it for you.

Forever and a day,
Chrissy

Oh, here's how I'm feeling today-

I stumbled across your picture today
I could barely breath
The moment stopped me cold,
Grabbed me like a thief.
I dialed your number, but you wouldn't be there
I knew the whole time, but it's still not fair
I just wanted to hear your voice,
I just needed to hear your voice.

What do I do with all I need to say
So much I wanna tell you everyday
Oh it breaks my heart,
I cry these tears in the dark
I write these letters to you,
But they get lost in the blue,
'Cause there's no address in the stars.
Now I'm drivin'
Through the pitch black dark
I'm screaming at the sky
Oh cause it hurts so bad
Everybody tells me
Oh all I need is time
Then the mornin' rolls in
And it hits me again
And that aint nothin' but a lie.

What do I do with all I need to say
So much I wanna tell you everday
Oh it breaks my heart,
I cry these tears in the dark
I write these letters to you,
But they get lost in the blue,
'Cause there's no address in the stars.

Without you here with me,
I don't know what to do.
I'd give anything
Just to talk to you
Oh it breaks my heart,
Oh it breaks my heart,
But all I can do
Is write these letters to you,
But there's no address in the stars.

Monday, October 11, 2010

You knew

As I look back on the time before you left, more and more things are becoming apparent to me.  Especially after talking to Hart yesterday.  It's all slowly, but surely, making sense.  All along I had a bad feeling about this deployment- you knew that.  I remember talking to people about it and I even told someone "I don't know, I have bad visions of getting a folded up flag."

No person wants to think they may be the one getting a knock on their front door.  So even though these fears rested in the back of my mind, I went on with it thinking it couldn't be me.  Things were too perfect and everything was going as planned.  The deployment started and I was ready to go, we were going to do this.

Low and behold it was us and all of those fears came true.  I think back to things you told me and things I told you.  I cried and cried that night before I left Jacksonville.  Without saying anything you said "is that what you've been afraid of this whole time" all I blurted out was "I don't want you to die."  You pulled me closer and told me it would be okay.  But you knew it wasn't okay.

Even that next morning at the airport.  I remember the countless 'see you laters' and all the times I went running back into your arms.  But that morning at the airport, you made me come back.  I cried that whole day when every one tried their hardest telling me that it would be okay and I kept saying "Do you know what I did today? I might not see him again."

Thinking of those things now drives me crazy.  There is so much more but not enough time to write it all.  As I think about these things it was like one red flag after another.  For some reason we neglected them at the time.  I really should have broken your legs when I had the chance.  We knew.  You did, I did.

I know this now because you even made sure there was one person to be there for me.  Before you left here for that crap hole you made sure that if this did happen, someone was going to take care of me.  Is it a hard reality to face?  Yep. And at the same time, it's just another reminder of how much you loved me. 

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Old Stuff

It's been a few days since I have been on here.  Things have been pretty rough lately.  Sunday was just not a good day.  I spent some time with your parents and found some more things out.  It's just so hard to hear.  I swore to myself I wasn't going to cry when I went there this time and yeah, that lasted maybe 15 minutes.  The Steelers played Sunday too and it was the game we went to last Christmas:




Earlier though I found some things.  First was my old cell phone.  As I sat there in tears flipping through old text messages I came across one with sound attached.  I pressed play.. It was you and Hart singing my best friend to me at one in the morning.  Those tears suddenly became a smile and a laugh.  As much as it hurts- the one thing I know in my heart is that you did love me and almost every memory of you has some sort of smile/laugh attached to it.

Like my birthday cards for instance.

The first one I came across you were just so proud of.  It had a dog in a purse on the front (since you picked on me for putting daisy in one and making you carry her in it :) and the inside said "It's your birthday, You're entitled to be a bitch."  I'm pretty sure I laughed out loud.  I can't control my bitchiness sometimes and you of all people know that.

But the next two really just warmed my heart..

"This comes to wish you happiness because your birthday's here, but all the special love it brings is yours all through the years. This comes to thank you for warm memories, the closeness that we share, and all the loving things you do that tell me that you care. Happy Birthday, I love you"

And my favorite..

"When you've got someone beside you, someone strong, caring, supportive, and loving, well, I'm here to tell you- the hard times are easier, the easy times are sweeter, and the sweet times... well, they just make you feel like you've died and gone to heaven.  Baby that's just how it feels having you beside me.. I love that feeling- and I love you. Happy Birthday."

I would do anything to hear those words again.  Just to feel your arms around me.  When you left me at the airport 12 weeks ago, I had no idea that was the last time you would pull me back in to hold me, the last time to kiss me on the forehead promising it would be okay, and the last time I would watch you drive away.  I thought it was the last time I would have to say "see you later," but I had no clue it would be this.  I keep replaying that trip to J-vegas in my head over and over again.  Not even thinking that was going to be it for us.  If anything- I'm glad the last times I did spend with you were amazing and nothing can take those memories away from me.  Not even this.

My heart hurts.

Friday, October 1, 2010

22nd Birthday

I'm so sad you aren't here to celebrate it. I'm sure you're doing it justice up in the sky but it isn't the same. I did however get out of bed this morning so I should get a gold star for that.

This was your birthday weekend last year:

Photobucket

I'm almost positive you were drunk the entire 72 that weekend. At the time I wasn't exactly thrilled, but i'm so glad you made the most of it.

The only thing getting me through this day is knowing you would want us celebrating for you. Life was a fun party for you and the rest of us should live up to your expectations. I just wish I could change this. It's a hard hit when it's only been 4 weeks and this is the first of the "firsts." I'll be honest- I don't like it one single bit.

I'm such an emotional roller coaster. Last night your friends from high school managed to get some laughs out of me by telling stories. I'm glad that almost all of the memories that include you bring a good laugh with it. That was the kind of person you were and everyone loved you for it.

I miss that. As I drive to school in the mornings and on my way home I can hear your voice. I miss being able to call you on my drive in here. It usually had some good story that you and your fellow marines (a.k.a. boyfriends) were into or what had happened the night before. The way you said things to me, the way you laughed. I want it back.

Today just breaks my heart. I feel like i'm going to live this pain forever and I just want it to go away. That's just not gonna happen until I see you again..

Happy Birthday, Love.


Btw- I just went outside. It couldn't be a more perfect day for you, you're still here <3