Tuesday, August 12, 2014

"Time Heals All"

..or so they say.

I have been the queen of mental breakdowns lately.  Almost 4 years later I know that I can't change the hand that I've been dealt, but for some reason that hasn't made it any easier.  I can't get past the fact that the life I had planned is no more.  I can't get over how much things have changed. 

After I started to lose it I figured I might as well dig in and I started going through some things that I have in my room.  Boot camp letters being one of them.  The papers are starting to turn colors and I can't believe that was 7 years ago.  I pulled one out of the box and started to read it..

Nice choice, right?  If that doesn't smash your heart into a million pieces.  I'm so angry.  Angry that he didn't get to have the life he wanted.  The chance to be married and have a family.  He would have been such a good dad.  I was thinking today about how he wanted to stay in after the deployment. He never wanted anything else in life except to be a Marine.  That was it.

I know in my heart if he was going to go that is exactly how he would have wanted it.  I wasn't ready for that.  I'm sure no one ever will be ready for something like this to happen to them.  But why him?  Or why me? At 21 and 20 we were still kids.  Kids with big dreams.  And before I knew it I was given a life that I had never planned on having.  One that stays with me every single day.  It drives me crazy that people have their opinions on my life.  How they don't understand that I can't just "get over it."  No.  I'll never get over it.  Whether I like it or not this is a part of my life and who I am.  I can't change that.  Do people honestly think that's what I want?! I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy.  No one should have to feel this way.

I'm really struggling with where my life is headed.  What I'm going to do.  Having to pick yourself up and move on knowing what's left behind.  Sometimes this still feels like a bad nightmare and I'm ready for it to be over..

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Picking up the pieces..

Most people would be out enjoying their last night of vacation.  Life of a war widow? Spending the last hour and a half in tears.

I usually know when to prepare myself.  Or when I feel my breakdowns coming on with a vengeance.  Try as I might to hold it all together behind a pretty smile, sometimes it all just falls apart.  Completely falls apart.  Like sobbing, uncontrollable tears and asking myself why a thousand times.  Really.. July through September can go straight to you know where.

As you may have noticed a lot of things have been changing in my life.  I'm on my own little path trying to figure out how I can get through this.  "Accommodate" it instead of trying to overcome it.  Coming up on 4 years I feel like I have almost relapsed on everything.  The pain and memories are flooding back. Oh and I feel like I have made zero steps forward.

The pain.. That same pain is still as unbearable as it was on September 2nd, 2010. I miss him so much.  There are so many times I find myself wondering where we would be today.  Should have been married by now.   Maybe a family.  Who knows.  I wish so many times that he was here with me to experience things in life.  Those times when I find myself witnessing something amazing and wishing he could be right there with me.  I'm sure he is.  Just not the way I want him to be.

You see.. I met Josh when I was 15.  Sure things were never perfect with us, but are they ever?  We loved each other so much and had so many plans only to end up in heartache.  I have to wonder nowadays if I will ever have the things that I wanted with him.  Will I ever have that same love again?  Will I ever look at someone like I looked at him? Am I going to walk down the aisle and think this isn't how it was supposed to be?  Honestly this whole thing really threw a big ole wrench into my life.

At this point I need to figure out where I am headed.  I know full well I will never be 100% again.  I was hoping that by now I would have picked up a lot more of the pieces.  So far that's not going well.  There is just something about this time of year that drags me down. Really though.. What do you do when the love of your life and all of your plans disappear right before your eyes?  How do you get over that?  How do you move on?

Tomorrow is a new day.  Things will keep moving on in life and it will only be a matter of time until I'm back in this spot again.  In the mean time I need to find my way back to those closest to Josh.  They understand.  And with a little help from my friends.. Here's to hoping that things will start looking up <3