Sunday, June 26, 2011

Fml.

I'm so sick of everyone.  I have yet to understand why people just can't leave me alone.  To stop being so judgmental.  To let me figure out what I want and need in life again.  I just want to be happy.. I swear.  For some reason that's become such a difficult task.  One stupid word is so controlling of my life. 

My heart hurts.  I feel like my old life was so much easier.  I had it all figured out then and I didn't worry about people.  Now I feel like I have a whole lot of nothing.  All it is is one big fucking struggle.  Constantly.  I just can't win anymore.  Everyone thinks they know what is best for me and they don't.  I know I'm not the same person anymore and I get that.  But damn it, I don't know what anyone wants from me.

I try to start living my life again and people have so much to say about it.  Last time I checked it's better than following the bed-class-work-bed schedule every single day.  At least I thought so.  Maybe I'm wrong.  I just don't know what else to do.  I'm so completely broken most of the time and I look for the smallest things to try and fix it just a little bit. 

I really just want to go away.  Somewhere that no one knows me or my story.  I'm so done with hurting.  People up my ass all the time.  Just done with it all.  Maybe I just need to clean my slate off again.  I should be excited about starting a new job tomorrow.  Instead I'm cuddled in my bed listening to depressing music and with everything that ever meant something having a mental breakdown.  Real awesome right?  I thought so, too. Ha.

Really sometimes this life feels like a joke.  Where I just sit there and think, "Really?  Why is this happening to me?"  I will never know why God ever decided to put me through something so awful and totally unfair.  So done.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Hi..

My name is Chrissy and I am a crazy person.

Story of my life.  Ever since this nonsense happened I can't keep my head on straight.. ever.  Sometimes I think about stuff and it's like, "Good God, Chrissy, get your shit together already."  It's bad.  I'm in North Carolina on vacation and it's refreshing, but a lot of time to think.  Not to mention I have this burning desire to drive down to J-Vegas.  I've thought several times about getting in my car and making the drive down there.  I don't know what it is with that place anymore.  I think it's because that was the last place we were together and I keep feeling like I left him there.

You know what else bugs me?  Hearing songs that have something tied to them.  Like "I'm Yours" has been on lately.. It was pretty much are song.  Or "You're Like Coming Home" reminds me of the homecoming video from Iraq.  They're like stalkers.  I just sit there quietly and listen.  Thinking of how things used to be.  The last time I was here you came to see me.  I drove by the house last night and it made me sad.  I hate going to places when the last time I was there was with you.  It's hard.

The other night they had Blue Moon and they were putting oranges in it.  I remember the last time you were here the last time you were here the Stanley Cup was on.  Game 7 and the Penguins won.  You brought that beer with you.  I had to go get oranges at the grocery store across the street and I played frogger across the highway.  I was kinda excited thinking it would be good.  Nope.  Awful.  I'll never forget the time after you came home from Iraq and we went to Texas Roadhouse in J-Vegas.  You went to shake your orange and when you let it go it sprayed right in my face.  Thanks for that, babe.

I went to a wedding on Saturday in Northern Cambria.  The only reason I ever went to that town was to see you.  I absolutely positively hate hate hate hate hate being there.  It's awful.  In the middle of the ceremony my eyes filled with tears several times.  Jealous of them.  Angry with what happened.  Still wondering why.  I haven't set foot into a Church since September 2nd and it bothered me to even be in there.  I know God has a plan, but I'm still mad at Him.  Thank God one of my friends sitting near me knew and kept making faces so I would laugh.  It was rough.  That's the last thing I wanted to be doing in the middle of someones wedding. 

I hate that July 15th is creeping up on me slowly, but surely.    A whole entire year since I've touched you feels like forever.  I can't even believe it's been that long.  Last time this year you were at CAX.  You missed my birthday and the birth of your niece.  I remember whining because the cell phone service was way worse than the last time.  I wish I wouldn't have complained so much.  Appreciated my time with you a little more.

I'm getting super agitated with my life right now and not having it back together just makes me feel crazy.  I keep thinking about hitting the one year mark.  Do I run away?  Do I stay home?  I haven't decided yet.  Since it's labor day weekend I've been thinking about inviting all of your friends up for the weekend.  Just to be around the people that were closest to you.  I haven't decided yet, but I will soon.  For the longest time I never understood why my grandparents went away every year on the anniversary of their son's death (he was killed in Texas at age 22), but I get it now.  It's easier to run from it than it is to face it.

I'll ponder more on that one later..

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Need You Now

Good grief. I don't know if it's where I'm at in this lovely journey or what but it's been super rough. I feel like I'm back in the first month. Crying everyday. The littlest things just set me off. It's terrible. Although, I've become rather good at being a hot mess.

These breakdowns have been one for the books. I think I'm just frustrated right now. It's going to the lows where you just don't want to do it anymore. Sometimes it feels like giving up on this is the easy thing to do.  How bad does that sound?  I remember thinking when everyone was talking about the world ending that I wouldn't care if it did.

I hate that I can't think about happy things in the future.  People think I'm crazy because sometimes I act like a Negative Nelly.  But when something so traumatic takes place in your life and someone so close is taken away you lose hope in this world.  I learned that life isn't like the movies.  Life is hard.  Going through this is hard.

I travel a lot these days to get away from it.  Away from this place.  Attempting to run away from my life for a little bit so I don't have to face it anymore.  I leave this state about every two months.  I need to clear my head and get a little me time.  I leave for Outer Banks on Sunday and I'm so ready to go.  I love going to the beach.  It's refreshing for me.  I could sit on a beach for hours just to think.

Reality is.. as much as I want to run away from it, I can only do it for so long before I have to face it.  I just wish that I could change it.  To do things over again in the past.  When I look at my life these past nine months it is crazy how much has happened.  It's nine months like I've never had before.  So much has changed.  A lot of it I don't even remember.  It's life on auto-pilot.  It seems to go by fast, but when I look back September 2nd feels like an eternity.

I saw Aaron and the girls yesterday and it just broke my heart.  Looking at these two little girls who are growing up without their Uncle.  One still calls me Aunt Chrissy.  After they left I stood there with tears in my eyes.  You loved them so much and they grew to be a part of my life too.  I remember when both of them were born, one almost a year old and the other four.  It just breaks my heart.  I know I distanced myself from your family in a way.  Just as it always was, it's hard to go there without you. 

I'm still not "used" to this.  I don't know that I ever will be.  That I will ever be okay with what happened.  I guess I still just have to learn to live with it and what was given to me in life.  The times that I struggle are the times I want you the most.  That just makes me even more angry when I think about it.  Where is the darn easy button?

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Written in the Stars

So I have been thinking a lot lately about things.  I went on AWP this morning and started reading some more stories about others experiences after a loss.  Each one is different, but I went there for a reason.  It dawned on me that in about 2.5 months I'll hit one year.  One whole year.  That seems like such a long time.

After the first year you've made it through all the "firsts."  Passing the birthdays, anniversaries, and other important days.  The bumpy road where you are struggling just to survive.  Right now that is still the hardest part.  Surviving each day and learning how to live again.

Sometimes when I feel like I'm living my life again I stop and think about it.  Thinking about if it's okay to take steps forward.  What would he want me to do?  I obviously had a very bad night on Tuesday as most of you probably read here.  I went out to the boat docks at Yellow Creek with someone close to me.  It's quiet there (minus the frogs and fish jumping out of the water).  Just water and trees.  I'll sit there looking up at the moon and the stars wondering if he's watching me.  Thinking about my life right now.  Where to go.. what to do.  Thinking of things from the past.



Of course I ended up bursting into tears.  It's so frustrating sometimes when you think about it all.  Sure, I had someone with me.  But I can never find all the words that I need to say what I'm thinking or how I feel.  Pretty sure they think I'm crazy sometimes because what I'm saying makes no sense.  Sometimes I just need to cry about it and have someone listen without saying anything.  Not gonna lie.. a lot of times I don't like the responses I get because I feel like most people don't understand.  It's not their fault.  I'm just bitchy sometimes.  Josh would tell you that.

It always happens out of nowhere too.  Often people assume they said the wrong thing to me that made me cry, but that's not it at all.  It just happens.  The people who are closest to me know when it's coming.  My face blanks out and I just stare at something. 

You never realize how much of a struggle it can be just to get by.  I don't want to keep moving forward because I feel like as the days pass I'm getting further away from him.  On the other hand, I want time to pick up the pace so that my life will hopefully piece itself back together.

When is it okay to be with someone else?  When is it okay to be "better?"  When is it okay to finally feel a little bit of peace?

I don't know.  Right now I'm still not okay with any of it.  I'm still hurting and I know that.  At the same time I know I can't do this to myself forever.  Eventually I'm going to have to move forward whether I want to or not.  If I am the 1 in a million people that gets struck by lightning you'll know exactly what I did.

When things happen in my life I often wonder if he has something to do with it.  I always wonder what he thinks about it or if he would be mad at me.  Approaching the second year I wonder what it's going to bring.  Is it easier?  Maybe.  Part of me thinks it could be harder.  I guess we'll find out soon enough.  I'll survive it.  That's what I do know.  Even though there are days when it feels virtually impossible to get through one more day  I know I will.

Right now I'm content with my life.  I'm still hurting and I'm still having breakdowns.  I'm still angry and I still ask why.  But I have to keep pushing.  I have what I need at the moment to get me through.  If I fall down there is someone to pick me right back up and do whatever I need to make it better.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Well.

It's been quite a week, Joshua.  I've been crying..


every.

single.

day.


Yup.  That's a whole bunch of fun.  I don't know what has gotten into me but it's been bad.  I don't like it.  I just miss you so much.  I don't really like where my life is right now and I don't like what I have coming my way.   It gets really hard and staying in bed seems like the better option. 

It just sucks that the one person who was always there for me no matter what got taken away from me.  It's not fair.  My egg donor made a scene at my brothers graduation tonight and it just set me off.  I remember all the times I ran to you and you fixed every little problem.  Now you can't fix it.  It makes me sick that after everything she has done she can post a sob story on her wall and people ACTUALLY feel bad for her.   You wanna know the truth?  She was cheating on my Dad.  Walked out on us when I was 11 and Michael was 9.  On Christmas day.  Tried taking everyone close to us away with her crazy games.  And tonight.  She had the nerve to call me a f***in b*tch and tell me I'm an alcoholic because I went to Las Vegas.  Oh, but she left those details out in her sob story.  She didn't tell anyone she beat the crap out of us.  Nope.  Left all of those minor details out.

She forgets I'm living with her parents.  Working two jobs.  Going to school full time.  Coaching a majorette squad.  No big deal evidently.

It's so frustrating when I know that you would never ever let anyone talk to me or treat me like that.  Ever.  You always stood up for me no matter what.  Whatever though she isn't even worth talking about.  I just feel for my brother that she had to make a scene on a day like that. 

While I was up at the Manor tonight I was thinking about all of the time we spent there.  Walking through the halls.. sitting in the lunchroom (you hitting me with a bottle cap).  Just everything that happened there.  Or your graduation when you of course acted like a goofball after you got your diploma.  I'm sure everyone expected you to do something of that nature though.  You always did.  Besides it wouldn't be you if you didn't have people laughing. 

I miss that smile.  I miss everything about you and if I could just have it back I would give anything.  This isn't any fun without you.  I still can't picture my life and what is in store for me.  I wish I knew.  I feel like I can't move forward because I'm not ready to let go of the past.  I don't want to let go.  At the same time I know that I can't hold on to something that isn't real anymore.  This is all just really unfair and I'm over it.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Happy

According to my handy dandy dashboard dictionary.. happy is feeling or showing pleasure or contentment. <----- That.. isn't me.

Let me first apologize for my absence.  Between school and work AND my trip the the fabulous las vegas I haven't been around much.  Vegas was amazing!  I was so glad to go away for my birthday.  Me and Josh talked about this birthday for a long time and the last place I wanted to celebrate it was at home.  Everyone needs to go out there at least once in their lifetime.  There is so much to see and I can't wait to go back.  Besides.. that was part of my bucket list.  He always wanted to go to there and didn't get the chance so I went for him. 

Back on track.

It bugs me when people tell me I'm happy.  No.  You are very wrong.  I look at my life a year ago and then I was genuinely happy.  My life was falling into place and I was surrounded by an amazing boyfriend, family, and friends.  At the time things couldn't have been any better.  I look at pictures from then and you could see it in my smile.. it was in my eyes.  I lost the meaning of the word after September 2nd.  For months I went to school, went to work, and went to bed.  That was it.  Literally.

I can't say that I haven't gotten better because that would be a lie.  I've had some amazing people come into my life to help me through it and I can't ever thank them enough for that.  They have definitely lifted me up and helped me to get through it.  It is still just so hard.  I find myself at random hours of the day or driving in my car with tears just streaming down my face.  That longing to have my old life back.  Thinking about how happy I was.  Thinking about what I should be doing right now. I still have to tell myself he's gone.  That he's not coming back.  Sometimes I still don't want to think that it's real.

July is going to be a bad bad month for me.  It just dawned on me the other night that July 15th will be the last day that I saw him.  July 1st should have been our EAS date.  The thought of a whole year passing by since I touched him and he was standing right in front of me tears me apart.  Hitting the 9 month mark on Thursday was awful.  Sometimes the further I get from that day it feels like the more it hurts because it's longer since I've seen or talked to him.  Sure it means getting better but you still think about what was left behind.

I had another one of my fantabulous mental breakdowns last night when I was with someone.  Seriously one I start there is no stopping.  I really don't even know how it is humanly possible for someone to cry like that sometimes.  It was the same things that get me every other time.  And the looming fact that I just don't want to let go.  I don't know that I ever have to.  Right now I don't want to at all.  I have so many people tell me he lives in my heart and to be happy about that.  I'm not.  For some reason remembering him like that just is sufficient when I feel like he should still be standing in front of me.  His life was cut entirely too short. 

I've been going out and I often engage in conversations with people about him and I can't help but to smile.  Just to remember how loving, caring, and funny he was.  I don't think we've ever talked about a story without laughing at something he did.  It's comforting that I can do that now.  To smile when I think about him.  It just never takes away that pain.  I'll gaze down at the black bracelet on my wrist, the silver one on my other, or grab the necklace around my neck and think for a minute.  Just to remember and hold on to the little things I have left.

It's been a rocky road the past few days and I don't see it getting better any time soon.  I still have those days where I have to force myself to life.  Fighting just to get through the day.  It's hard.  I never in a million years would have thought this is what it would be like.  I hate falling into this slumps where just living is challenging enough in a day.  I really wish more people understood that.  I try to do what he would want me to it just doesn't always work that way and it's not so easy.  Hopefully what's ahead will come and go and I'll make it through just like everything else.