The truth about being a "War Widow"

So in the last few weeks I've come to realize a lot of things about this life.

1. Pretending like it never happened.  You read that right.  For the last 3 years I've completely devoted my time trying to pretend like my heart wasn't ripped out and smashed into a million pieces.  Note to self.. it will come back and bite you in the butt one day.

2. You feel like you're never going to be whole again.  When I say a piece of myself died that day that's no joke.  It's totally unfair that at the age of 20 I lost him and ever since then I've never felt the same.  Even if I pretended like my whole life was fab.

3. You feel like you will never be happy again.  I was 20 years old.  I had my life planned.  In about .00000001 seconds it was ripped away from me.  I don't know that I ever want to have my "happily ever after" anymore.  Who knew that you would have to try so hard to be happy. It doesn't come as easy as it used to.

4. As much as people try to understand.. they never will.  There's no way to understand this life unless you go through it.  It's like a bad mind game that you can't get out of.  There are so many ups and downs and so many things that people just don't understand about how you are feeling.

5. You will NEVER get over it.  Try as you might it's not leaving.  That will be a part of my life until the day that I die.  I think about it every. single. day.  It's obvious that there is practically a stamp on my forehead.  It's like the little cloud that Olaf has over his head except it's a sad one.

We're definitely a special kind.  I don't think I will ever know why God chose this life for me.  What I've learned lately is I need some time to myself to figure out how to get through this.  There's gotta be a light somewhere.

How do you just let go?  How do you move on?  How do you put someone else through what you're going through?  I knew this wasn't going away, but I don't think I ever pictured it going quite like this.  I miss him.  So much.  When I hear a song or see a picture I smile, and then I want to cry.  I haven't picked up all of those pieces yet.. And at this rate it's going to take some time.

There's something about July...

Something about this week in July weighs heavy on my heart.  I don't know if it's the last time I saw him.. Or just remembering those last few days we had together.  It breaks your heart little by little as the days pass again.  Especially with the addition of Timehop on my phone I am constantly reminded of what used to be.

A few weeks ago I went to the Poker Run that is held each July in Josh's honor.  I look around at his family and friends and notice how much has changed since then.  Most of the guys in his unit are out now.  Some in college, some working, some just married, others divorced.  Everything has changed.  People have moved forward in their lives.  However, there's something that tied us all together.

Four years ago this week, I don't think any of us knew what we were about to endure.  The Marines, the wives and girlfriends left behind or even friends and family.  There's something about that whole deployment that looms over my head like a little cloud.  It changed us all forever.  No matter where everyone goes in life there is still that little piece in everyone's heart.

I often wonder how my life could have played out differently.  I've seen so many couples and Marine's deal with the hardships of returning after a difficult deployment.  You don't realize what they really put themselves through until you see it with your own eyes.  Really such a small portion of America is involved with the military that many don't notice how it changes them forever.  Even after a deployment to Iraq, Josh was different, and looking back now... That deployment was cake.  Just looking at the Marine's that Josh served with you know what they carry inside of them and in others you can see the struggle in their eyes.  It really was a life changing things and I only see part of their story.

I left Jacksonville, North Carolina 4 years ago tomorrow not knowing what the future would bring.  I spent the night before crying over and over again knowing what the next morning meant for me.  I still remember pulling into the airport and watching him drive away with tears rolling down my face.  At the time I told myself through the tears "It's only 7 months.. I can do this again."  Little did I know it was going to be a lifetime.

I still have my days.. some really bad ones.  When I wonder why my life has taken this path and how it feels so not fair sometimes.  At the end of the day.. everything happens for a reason.  Whatever that reason will be.  As I continue on in life there's a part of it I will never forget.  I guess that's part of the deal in forming who you are.

As for me.. things are going well.  Each day is another one that I have survived and I'm living my life again.  I really need to come back here more.. it's been a while <3