Monday, July 28, 2014

The truth about being a "War Widow"

So in the last few weeks I've come to realize a lot of things about this life.

1. Pretending like it never happened.  You read that right.  For the last 3 years I've completely devoted my time trying to pretend like my heart wasn't ripped out and smashed into a million pieces.  Note to self.. it will come back and bite you in the butt one day.

2. You feel like you're never going to be whole again.  When I say a piece of myself died that day that's no joke.  It's totally unfair that at the age of 20 I lost him and ever since then I've never felt the same.  Even if I pretended like my whole life was fab.

3. You feel like you will never be happy again.  I was 20 years old.  I had my life planned.  In about .00000001 seconds it was ripped away from me.  I don't know that I ever want to have my "happily ever after" anymore.  Who knew that you would have to try so hard to be happy. It doesn't come as easy as it used to.

4. As much as people try to understand.. they never will.  There's no way to understand this life unless you go through it.  It's like a bad mind game that you can't get out of.  There are so many ups and downs and so many things that people just don't understand about how you are feeling.

5. You will NEVER get over it.  Try as you might it's not leaving.  That will be a part of my life until the day that I die.  I think about it every. single. day.  It's obvious that there is practically a stamp on my forehead.  It's like the little cloud that Olaf has over his head except it's a sad one.

We're definitely a special kind.  I don't think I will ever know why God chose this life for me.  What I've learned lately is I need some time to myself to figure out how to get through this.  There's gotta be a light somewhere.

How do you just let go?  How do you move on?  How do you put someone else through what you're going through?  I knew this wasn't going away, but I don't think I ever pictured it going quite like this.  I miss him.  So much.  When I hear a song or see a picture I smile, and then I want to cry.  I haven't picked up all of those pieces yet.. And at this rate it's going to take some time.

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