"Time Heals All"

..or so they say.

I have been the queen of mental breakdowns lately.  Almost 4 years later I know that I can't change the hand that I've been dealt, but for some reason that hasn't made it any easier.  I can't get past the fact that the life I had planned is no more.  I can't get over how much things have changed. 

After I started to lose it I figured I might as well dig in and I started going through some things that I have in my room.  Boot camp letters being one of them.  The papers are starting to turn colors and I can't believe that was 7 years ago.  I pulled one out of the box and started to read it..

 

Nice choice, right?  If that doesn't smash your heart into a million pieces.  I'm so angry.  Angry that he didn't get to have the life he wanted.  The chance to be married and have a family.  He would have been such a good dad.  I was thinking today about how he wanted to stay in after the deployment. He never wanted anything else in life except to be a Marine.  That was it.

I know in my heart if he was going to go that is exactly how he would have wanted it.  I wasn't ready for that.  I'm sure no one ever will be ready for something like this to happen to them.  But why him?  Or why me? At 21 and 20 we were still kids.  Kids with big dreams.  And before I knew it I was given a life that I had never planned on having.  One that stays with me every single day.  It drives me crazy that people have their opinions on my life.  How they don't understand that I can't just "get over it."  No.  I'll never get over it.  Whether I like it or not this is a part of my life and who I am.  I can't change that.  Do people honestly think that's what I want?! I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy.  No one should have to feel this way.

I'm really struggling with where my life is headed.  What I'm going to do.  Having to pick yourself up and move on knowing what's left behind.  Sometimes this still feels like a bad nightmare and I'm ready for it to be over..