Slackerrrrr

That's me!  I haven't been on here in forever!  Things got hectic after last July.  My Pap, who meant everything to me, passed away in August.  Jeff was in a four wheeler accident a few days before that.  And I started/finished my last semester of college!  Things have been crazy, but I can't complain.

If anything, it's amazing how time flies.  I just realized that it's been a little over 2 years since 2/9 came home from Afghanistan.  I can't even believe it.  I can't believe that this September will be 3 years.  It's unreal.

I'm doing really well.  My life is finally moving forward, and I am happy with where I am.  I've graduated college and started working,  Jeff is still putting up with my craziness, and I have a lot to look forward to in my life again. 

I still question why it happened to me and I always think about it.  I may not cry or talk about it everyday, but it is definitely one of those things that you will never forget.  It really changes you forever.  Anytime I do talk about it I feel a little more proud.  Sure I still have a lot of anger and hurt, but it's a little better.

I remind myself everyday that the world was never going to stop for me and Josh never wanted me to stop.  I slowly, but surely, started to pick up the pieces of my life and put them back together.  I think he would be pretty darn proud of me for where I am and what I've accomplished.  I'm living my life just like he would want me to.  I'm lucky too that Jeff is so understanding and supportive of it all.  I'm thankful that he's been there to keep pushing me forward.

I gave my speech for the second time this November at the school I was student teaching at.  It went really well and the audience was amazing.  It's still crazy to think that I'm in these shoes and telling that story.  To see tears in peoples eyes because of what I have to say.  My heart swelled with pride again that day.  It reminds me that even though this is a terrible thing, that people appreciate what Josh has done for our country and they are touched by my story. 

Anyways, that's a quick wrap up of my life.  However, I need to get to sleep or I'm going to be one extremely tired girl tomorrow.  Check back soon!  I may just start writing again.

Always remember <3

Poker Run 2012

This year I attended the annual poker run in memory of Josh.  I was excited to go this year since I was sick last year.  Ironically enough, it was July 15.  2 years ago yesterday I boarded a plane from North Carolina with tears in my eyes hoping that the next 7 months would go fast.  I had a bad feeling that day.  I wish I would've held onto that hug a little longer.. went back for one more kiss.  I tried being strong.  One last hug, one last kiss, one last kiss on the forehead before wiping away my tears and heading into the airport.  It's crazy how much can change in such a short period of time.

Attending the Poker Run allowed me to see a lot of people close to Josh that I haven't seen in a while.  I was lucky that Jeff went with me as a support and to remember Josh too.  Walking in the door was so overwhelming.  The tears welled up in my eyes as I choked them back.  It was so good to see everyone, but it also brought back the pain of Josh being gone.  Being with his family and friends made me miss him so much.

As the Poker Run pulled out we went through our hometown, passed our high school, stopped in the town where I had to say goodbye, drove on the roads we took when we brought him home.  It was a huge flood of emotions for me.  As I sat in the passenger seat while Jeff drove, I looked out my windows at all of the people standing on their porches and the bikes in front of me and the cars behind me.  I felt that overwhelming feeling of love, pride, and comfort in my heart all over again.

I haven't cried in some time.  I think I've reached a point in my grief where I try pushing the pain away.  Avoiding it to not feel the hurt.  To a lot of people on the outside I'm sure it looks like I'm perfectly fine.  That's so very wrong.  I think about it every single day.  It's something you don't just get over or forget about.  At some point you have to realize that you can't live in the past.  You can't spend your whole life wondering what could have been.

I talk to girls who are still living the Marine lifestyle and sometimes I get jealous.  I miss it.  Don't ask me why!  It's not like I ever got my way deal with the Corps.  I guess it's just another part to hold on to.  I miss the people.. the Marine Corps family.  Not many people get that opportunity in their lifetime.  

I still haven't figured it out why this happened and I probably never will.  I do my best to honor his memory and live my life in a way that he would be proud.  One's thing is for sure- life as a widda is never boring.  It's a hard hand to be dealt in life, but you become a better/stronger person because of it. 

Yesterday was a perfect way to remember Josh and I was honored to be a part of it.  Even through the pain, there is always the feeling of pride and love and that makes it worth every second.

Memorial Day: Take II

For the first 20 or so years of my life Memorial Day meant my birthday, cookouts, start of summer, day off work, pools open, etc.  These are memorial days from the past.  Summer fun cookouts.. completely carefree. 

For most Americans, that's what it still is.  Up until a year a half ago I didn't realize how much more there was involved in the day.  This year my birthday is Monday.  I was born on memorial day 22 years ago.  Maybe that's a freaky sign?  I don't know.  Anymore it almost makes me feel guilty that I had that association my whole life.  I didn't even take 5 minutes to think about what the day really meant.  Which is this:

Don't get me wrong.. Memorial day is a time to celebrate.  This year (just like last year) I will take some time to think about what the day is really for.  A day to remember someone as amazing as Josh along with all of the other men and women who have fought for our freedom.  If it wasn't for these people, we wouldn't be with our families, friends, significant others.  We wouldn't have the luxury of this holiday weekend a day off from work.  The least we could do is take a little time out of our day to remember. 

In other news.. I'm extremely busy as usual.   A little happier each day.  I'm excited for my upcoming birthday and what the age of 22 has to hold for me.  Things with Jeff are going well.  He is still dealing with my wid nonsense on a daily basis so I can't complain.  I'm getting better and I am thankful for that (I could never thank my family/friends and Jeff for that.. I really was/am a handful when it comes to this). 

Looking back on old posts can be so painful sometimes.  I somehow managed to block that pain/hurt/anger out of my mind.   I never realized how much I lived on auto pilot until recently.  For a good year I just went through the motions of life.  It's a crazy thing.   Something I never want to relive ever again.  It really was a very dark time in my life.  It's comforting to know that after such a tragedy.. after part of me died.. that there is almost a rebirth.  The freedom of being able to live life again.  To see a light in life that got lost in the dark.  Josh would never want me to live like that.  It's something you would never wish on anyone. 

Anyways, that's what I'll be doing this memorial day.. celebrating my birthday with the people I love and remembering another love, Josh, along with all the other fallen men and women who deserve a thank you. 

So my fellow blog readers.. my challenge/request for you this memorial day is to take 5 minutes away from your holiday celebrations to remember the fallen.  The amazing/brave men and women who allow us to have days like this.  Have a safe and fun holiday weekend!

It's been a while..

.. a long long while.  I haven't forgot about the blogging world!  I've just been so busy lately I haven't had as much time to update as I did in the past. 

Things have been going pretty well.  As time goes on it gets a little better, but never goes away.  I think about him everyday and there are constant reminders of different things that happened over the 5 years that we were together.  Part of me hates that time keeps moving on because it feels like he goes further and further away.  It caught me off guard the other day to think that it will be 2 years this year.  When I think about that day it seems like yesterday.  Some days it's overwhelming to the point of just crying because I never wanted to be in this position.  Other days it's smiling for the time that we did have.  It's a constant up and down.  The down days get further apart, but it seems to be that when there is a down day they can be a whole lot worse.  I still ask why and wonder if it could have been different. I suppose that's something you never let go of.. you never stop the love. 

Things with Jeff are going well.  It's been a little over a year since we started talking again.  I'm so lucky to have someone there again.  I know some people look at it in a negative way.  Trust me.. it's harder for me than anyone could ever really imagine.  I'm extremely fortunate to be with someone who is so accepting of it and respectful of Josh's place in my life.  By no means is this an easy thing for him either.  It's comforting to me that I can talk about it, cry, smile, laugh, or whatever when it comes to talking about Josh and he always listens. 

Something I've come to realize is it isn't about "replacing" or someone coming in second.  It's something different.  I care about each of them in their own way and no matter where life takes me, Josh will always be with me.  He's in my heart and I know he'll watch over me.  I'm a lucky girl to have that twice.  I convinced myself that I was just going to be a fat nun living in a convent for the rest of my life.  Really though.. what fun is that?

Things happen for a reason even if I will never know what they are.  Shit happens.  Bottom line.  Whether it be something as serious as losing someone or a fight with a friend.  It's just how it goes.  It amazes me though that someone actually brought Josh's death into something to try knocking me down.  Jeff ripped the phone out of my hand ready to take someone out.. but I took it back finishing the conversation only to know that I can't stoop to that same level.  I just never thought people could be so disrespectful.  The last thing Josh ever deserves is someone to use his death against me in a negative manner.  I would never think of using a tragic time in someones life as something to try and knock them down. 

One thing I have learned through all of this is everyone has their own opinions and people will always talk.  There will never be a day when everybody agrees.. its impossible.  Through it all I've learned that I'm strong.  I'm better than that and I can get through anything.  I'm a strong believer in karma.  A believer in the fact that Josh is watching and protecting me from above while I have Jeff here.  People are out to get you sometimes.  No matter how nice or how hard you work there is always someone that will have something to say about it. 

I was always the girl that let people get to me.. and that needs to stop.  For the longest time I kept worrying about what everyone would think if they found out I was talking to someone new.  And what for?  At some point I realized that I needed to do what was best for me and to hell with everyone else.  Everything I've been through has only made me stronger.  I don't need negative people in my life.  I've been so blessed to have amazing friends and family that have stood by my side no matter what. 

The day I stopped stressing about everyone else is the day it started getting better.  I'm slowly, but surely moving forward in my life.  You realize you can't just stop when the rest of the world keeps on turning.  Just because you move forward doesn't mean that you ever forget.  It's a part of who you are and it shapes the person you become.  I need to keep focusing on me and what makes me happy.  For now.. I can't say life is all that bad.  I have everything I need.. whether it be here or up in the sky.

2011 in a Nutshell

Well, I made it!  I survived a whole year without my love by my side.   It had its ups and downs, but in the end I'm still here and standing.  It's crazy to think.. an entire year.  A full year too.. homecoming, memorial service, congressional record, blog awards.. not too shabby!

Christmas came and went and I did pretty well.  By the end of Christmas day I had one of my infamous meltdowns about Josh being gone.. it was a little rough.  I at least had someone with me to just hold me and let me cry about it.  When it comes down to it its better to get it out then to hold it in.  I still like to think I can be tough and hold it, buttttt that usually doesn't work well.  The holidays are always harder and the void is a little larger than usual.  It's a good time to remember and that usually leads to my tears.  It's getting better though.. a little at a time.

My 2011 started off with this in February:

The homecoming that was supposed to be mine, but wasn't.  It was a rough day.  In the end it was something I needed to do for myself.  Face the harsh realities of war.  I remember that feeling.. almost an out of body experience.  Standing there watching girls run into their husbands/boyfriends/fiances arms while I stood back with tears in my eyes.  It sucked.  For some reason though it was comforting like he was there with them.

The memorial service followed homecoming and it was just as hard.  Lots of tears and that hour felt like an eternity.  All of the families of the fallen along with 2/9 joined together to remember each hero and their sacrifice.  It was really well done and I was so proud to be there.

Shortly after, in March to be exact, something changed in my  life.  Blog people.. This is Jeff

Jeff's the "new guy" around these parts.  Not officially a boyfriend because, well, I'm a pain in the ass and being a widow makes me whacky.  I still have a really hard time thinking about cancelling my Facebook relationship with Josh and letting go of the fact that he was my boyfriend for so long and supposed to be my husband someday. 

Anyways, Jeff is a good guy.  He's really patient with me and my hesitation to move on even though we both know that I have to at some point.  He understands and respects the fact that Josh was and always will be a part of my life.  He doesn't get mad when I talk about it.. just listens and offers a word when he can.  He holds me when I want to cry and calms me down in the end.  He knows when I'm holding back tears and is the first one to say just let it out.  I really can't complain.

It's been a big help to have someone there when I need them and to put a smile back on my face.  It's crazy to think about how much changes in a short period of time, but in the end I have to be thankful.  My biggest fear after Josh died was being alone for the rest of my life.. that no one would want me because I was already taken or I'm "broken" now.  It's comforting to know that people do look past that and even though something so tragic happened in my life it won't consume me forever. 

I know that even though it felt like a part of me died when Josh did that I can let that take over my life completely.  There's time to mourn and to heal and at some point to move forward.  I know that Josh would never want me to live my life like a hermit crab and alone.  He never wanted that for me.  Who would want that?

It's still very difficult to be with.   Allowing myself to be close with someone else takes it tolls some days.  There are days when it's okay and days when I'm freaking out and can't do it.  Life as a widow I suppose.  It's hard.. for him too.  Sometimes I wonder why he puts up with it because I can be a real crazy person, but he manages.  It'll all work out I suppose.

I'm not really sure what 2012 is going to have in store for me, but I hope some good things.  I'll graduate college in May and head out into the adult world.  After that I'm not sure.  Other than hoping to go on a trip next December.  I'll keep you all updated as I continue along my path.

Tomorrow would have been 6 years for me and Josh.  It seems like forever ago when he asked me out.  Crazy how things are so different and not how we imagined.  I think he'd be proud of where I am.  Standing with my head up and pushing through the days.  "That's my girl," is exactly what he would say <3

Have a safe and happy new year!

Holidays Take 2

Well here we are again.. new year.. new holidays.

So far it's gone pretty well.  Better than last year at least.  Holidays seem to strike a little harder because it's the time when you most want them back.  Everyone is happy and together then you are standing there thinking about the piece that is missing.  Heartbreak that's for sure.

This morning was okay.  Last year I spent with a lot of tears and in bed.  This year I stayed in bed but not so many tears.  For me I need the space and alone time to get myself together.  I gave myself a couple hours alone and I spent the rest of the day with people.

One thing I've noticed is Thanksgiving is easier than Christmas which  is followed by the new year.  I still haven't figured out how disastrous that will be this year.  Hopefully it's not too bad.  What I've learned through all of this and getting through Thanksgiving.. be thankful.  The whole point of the holiday.  I was guilty of not really caring.  Thanksgiving became 5 days of leave in my book and I lost sight of what's important.  Again.. learned the hard way.  Now I hope that people see what can happen and that you should take some time to be thankful for what you do have.

One of the most painful things sometimes is looking back and thinking "I should have done this or should have done that."  Truth is.. you can never go back.  Learning from your mistakes is part of life I guess.  Although I wish I could have learned this lesson some other way.

Even though this year is better than the last it's still that painful reminder of what's missing.  I'm an expert at blocking things out now. I'm not really sure if that's a good thing or not, but for now it works for me and I'm okay with that.  Slowly but surely I'm moving out of "survival" mode and getting life back on track.

At first living like a hermit sounded like a fantastic idea, but like I've said before, the rest of the world keeps on moving even though yours has stopped.  What kind of life would that be anyways?  Not one at all.  It's easy to cover up the pain most days and act like everything is okay.  Other days not so much.

Moving forward is still something I really struggle with.  Some days I think I'm ready and other days I completely freak out and panic about it.  I know I can't live my life with my urn and be happily ever after.. that's unrealistic.  It's just so hard for me to come to terms with the fact that my future as I pictured for so long isn't going to happen anymore.  If I even thinking about changing my relationship status on facebook it brings tears to my eyes.  Yes, I know, it's just facebook; however, I know that once I let go of that I can't get it back.  I'm not ready for that yet.

I'm not ready for a lot of things really (even though sometimes I *think* I am.. it's not true haha).  It's helped me out to let someone into my life again.  It's just so so so difficult to admit to myself that what used to be isn't happening ever.  Right now I've set myself into this stubborn ass mode where I refuse to think about anything in the future.  I'm content just doing my thing and living my life.   Thinking of all the things I want to do and see before I settle into my hometowns get married, reproduce, and never leave trend.  Life in the backwoods repeats itself.

I mentioned a little before that someone did come into my life a few months ago.  I'm so thankful he's there for me and I still question why he puts up with all of my nonsense.  Seriously.. I wouldn't want to put up with me right now.  I'm so bi-polar about everything.  One minute I'm okay and the next I'm a basket case.  It really is ridiculous but I can't help it.  Going out in public still makes me cringe because in my mind it's still "Chrissy and Josh" and I feel like I'm cheating in a sense.  I know I'm really not, but that doesn't ease the thought in my mind.

Good grief this life will make you think you're a crazy person.  On a good note another day I survived and another holiday under my belt.  Onto the next one I guess.  At least this year I have a little glimmer of excitement when I see Christmas stuff or hear Christmas music.  Baby steps..

ANYWAYS (because you know I always get sidetracked)..  I hope everyone had a fantastic Thanksgiving surrounded by family, friends, food and football.  If you haven't taken the time yet today, remind yourself of the great things in your life.  Focus on the good and what you are thankful for.  If anything.. forget the bad today and just enjoy what you have right in front of you.  Trust me.. it's worth it to take the time remembering the little things versus getting something taken away from you and looking back thinking the "I should haves."  Take it from someone who knows.

Happy Turkey Day!

Busy, Busy

I'm sorry blogging world!  I have been so busy I neglected my poor blog.  I feel bad so I came with a little update!

Josh's 23rd birthday was on October 1.  I did pretty well this year.  I was busy most of the day so that always helps.  I had the homecoming parade so I went out with friends that night and I got to spend some time with his family that day.  It's a comfort and a little reminder that he's always around.  I know he was most definitely celebrating up in the sky.

Lately I've been struggling with a lot of things.  Mostly anger.  Mad at him for leaving or things that happened in the past.  Mad with where my life is.  Have things gotten better?  Sure.  But I'm such a weirdo these days.  Honestly there are some days I don't know how anyone other than another widow puts up with me.  It's kinda ridiculous.

It's so hard to describe what you're feeling to other people.  I feel like I can never get through to them no matter what I say and they just don't understand things from my perspective.  It's so hard and frustrating sometimes.  I know it's probably worse for those who are putting up with me too.  Let me just tell you it's an odd life that we widows live.  Mrs. P posted on Facebook the other day about having a widow island and I think that is a fantastic idea!  Hopefully here soon I will get to go on an AWP Getaway to get to experience that a little bit.  I think it would help.

Right now I'm finishing up my last few weeks of classes before student teaching in November.  I started my Care Package Drive for a second year.  I'm a little disappointed it hasn't taken off as well as last year, but I've been so busy I haven't had much time.  Honestly though, I'll take whatever I can get and a little bit of donations is better than none.  I'm also really excited to be working with Operation Troop Appreciation out of Pittsburgh.  It is a great organization serving our deployed troops.  The  people there are amazing and so appreciative of everything.

That pretty much sums up my life right now.  The holidays are creeping up and when I see things in the stores I'm actually feeling a little bit of excitement again.  We'll see how I feel as it gets closer to the time.

I'm going to make a serious attempt to blog more often!  I miss my blog and I really need to get back on the bandwagon.  <3

PS:  A commenter has asked about my email.  You can find me here: chrissy8838@msn.com :)
Oh!  And check out the Letters to You page on Facebook!