Times are changing

You know.. It's been really weird passing that three year mark. Three years ago seems like an eternity, but only 3 years. I was just on Facebook scrolling through my news feed and it's so weird. I remember looking back on that deployment. Remembering how we all were and what we all went through. Now I look and most of those guys are out starting their lives, other couples I knew have gone their own ways, people are starting families.

After Josh died I knew my life wouldn't ever be the same. We weren't going to have a life or a family together anymore. I'm happy for everyone, but sometimes that still kinda hurts. Everyone else is moving on and each day I still have that pain. I'm not alone and my life isn't terrible, but I still have to live with it everyday.

Regardless of where anyone goes or what they do in life.. We are all still connected by those years and deployments with 2/9. Everyone isn't as close as they used to be, but if you  ever needed something they would be right there   It's crazy.. The military life. It's one of those love hate relationships, but one thing people wouldn't change is the  people they have met along the way.

So yeah.. That's my random little thought of the day.

Year 3

As always, I wake up to a beautiful morning on September 2.  Quiet and peaceful.

3 years ago at 7:48 am my life was drastically changed forever. The world that I had known and the plans that I had for the future came crashing down around me. In seconds. 

I remember September 1 very well. I was awakened at 5 am by Josh calling to let me know he was okay. I remember him telling me what he had been up to and that they had captured some Taliban that day. I talked to him about school and I was about to start my 3rd day of classes. We talked for an hour before he had to go. I told him I loved him and to be careful. Little did I know that was the last time I would hear his voice. 

That day I was busy from school and work. Exhausted from being up, but I didn't mind. That evening I spoke with some friends about another marine who was injured. I also found out about my friend Ashleigh's husband Cody and I remember thinking I don't know what I would do. When I went to bed and slept through that night, I had no idea that Josh was struggling to survive thousands of miles away. 

I woke up the morning of September 2nd to my phone. Missing the first call from Josh's Dad. Sometimes I wish I never would have called back. I remember him telling me Josh was killed that morning. And I remember saying back no you're lying another 10 times. He wasn't lying. 

I got off the phone and I sat up in my bed. I remember not even knowing what to do. It was like being frozen in time. I didn't know whether to run, to cry, to scream. The thoughts in my head were moving so fast. The thoughts that this was the last deployment, I'm supposed to have a life with him, I, supposed to get married. It was all gone in a matter of seconds and there was not one thing I could do about it. 

I ran down the steps and hit the floor. My life was about to be most military wives/girlfriends worst nightmare. 

That day is such a fog. I remember sitting in his parents living room listening to the CACO and thinking this cannot be real. I held onto a bear he had given me hoping that it would be a joke. He promised he would be back. 

At this point looking back- he and I both knew this deployment wouldn't turn out right. He told me one night months before his uncle who had recently passed came to him and said to watch your back. He didn't think he was coming home, but only ever told me that when he had no control over his words. I remember one night in particular and yelling at him while I was crying wondering how he could ever say such a thing. Maybe then is when I should have listened so I would have known what he wanted for me. 

I remember watching him tell his family goodbye in their kitchen before we left for Camp Lejeune. He cried. He hardly ever cried. It broke my heart. I was happy to have him to myself a few extra days, but I knew what waited at the end. The trip down was so much fun filled with love and laughter. My trip back, alone, was a lot of sadness and tears. I just knew. Even though I had hoped and prayed that it wouldn't happen it did. 

Going through the viewings and funeral was so unbelievably difficult but heartwarming. There were so many amazing people around. It reminded me how amazing he was and what he meant to people. And he was home. With me. Just not how I had ever imagine. I don't remember as much anymore about those days. I guess it's my bodies way of taking away some pain. 

Even after those days, life wasn't the same. I tried to pretend like it didn't happen by drowning myself in school and work. I cried every single day for months. I still cry. My heart was broken so much I didn't even know where to start to get it back. Each day is a struggle and I always think about him. Wondering what his life would be like. He deserved so many things- a family, dream job, children. But he gave all of those things up for this country. 

When we were in high school and started dating he always wanted to be a Marine. I remember the arguments with his dad about joining. After he turned 18 it was a done deal. It's what he wanted in life and even though it kills me he wouldn't have wanted to go out any other way. I always knew he had that in him. I always said "don't be the hero- do what you have to do and come home."  But.. He was the hero. He had that about him. He laid his life on the line for the guys around him without thinking twice about it. That's who he was and what he believed in. And for that he will always be remembered.

I hope people realize what it takes to have the freedoms we do today. I live with a reminder every single day of the price. My life was taken away from me to fight the bigger cause and there's nothing I can do about it. 

I'm going to take a time out from this one and come back later. It's a lot to take in today.. 

Poker Run

So another year.. How? I don't even know. Today is the 3rd Annual Poker Run. I couldn't go, but I was able to watch as it made its way through Clymer.  Train wreck is a good way to describe myself after that. 

First off I would have had an amazing video of it. Only to realize when I went to stop it that it didn't record.  Really? Why is the world going to be against me today. My life I swear.. So that's the 1st thing I'm going to pout about. 

Anyways.. I've been nervous about it all morning. You don't realize how much you can hide from something. Then there are days when it just smacks you right in the face. Every year at this time it's so overwhelming. Just 3 years ago we were on pre-deployment leave gearing up for another round. 3 years. I can't believe it's been that long. At the same time it feels like it was just yesterday. 

It's overwhelming to watch all of the bikes and cars move through together. So powerful. It almost reminds me of the days we brought him home and said see you later. Such amazing people tied together by a tragedy. 

Through it all its time to remember Josh. Remember the person he was and the sacrifice that he made. The world will never stop turning. We all had to keep moving forward. It never leaves your mind, but on days like today it's a lot stronger memory.. 

I'm so proud.. To watch everyone remember him reminds me why he chose this life and why it ultimately ended that way. I remember the days he fought with his dad about joining. He was so adamant and determined to serve his country as a marine. And he did. 

7 years ago I never would have thought this is where either of us would be. I guess God has a plan even if we don't understand it. I will keep pushing forward like he would want me to, but today is a day I could crawl back to being my hermit crab self. I hope everyone on the run has an amazing day and it will be in my thoughts. It's a day to celebrate a life. 

Tomorrow I will wake up and continue on with my life, but for the rest of the today I might be a little bitter about it. 

Slackerrrrr

That's me!  I haven't been on here in forever!  Things got hectic after last July.  My Pap, who meant everything to me, passed away in August.  Jeff was in a four wheeler accident a few days before that.  And I started/finished my last semester of college!  Things have been crazy, but I can't complain.

If anything, it's amazing how time flies.  I just realized that it's been a little over 2 years since 2/9 came home from Afghanistan.  I can't even believe it.  I can't believe that this September will be 3 years.  It's unreal.

I'm doing really well.  My life is finally moving forward, and I am happy with where I am.  I've graduated college and started working,  Jeff is still putting up with my craziness, and I have a lot to look forward to in my life again. 

I still question why it happened to me and I always think about it.  I may not cry or talk about it everyday, but it is definitely one of those things that you will never forget.  It really changes you forever.  Anytime I do talk about it I feel a little more proud.  Sure I still have a lot of anger and hurt, but it's a little better.

I remind myself everyday that the world was never going to stop for me and Josh never wanted me to stop.  I slowly, but surely, started to pick up the pieces of my life and put them back together.  I think he would be pretty darn proud of me for where I am and what I've accomplished.  I'm living my life just like he would want me to.  I'm lucky too that Jeff is so understanding and supportive of it all.  I'm thankful that he's been there to keep pushing me forward.

I gave my speech for the second time this November at the school I was student teaching at.  It went really well and the audience was amazing.  It's still crazy to think that I'm in these shoes and telling that story.  To see tears in peoples eyes because of what I have to say.  My heart swelled with pride again that day.  It reminds me that even though this is a terrible thing, that people appreciate what Josh has done for our country and they are touched by my story. 

Anyways, that's a quick wrap up of my life.  However, I need to get to sleep or I'm going to be one extremely tired girl tomorrow.  Check back soon!  I may just start writing again.

Always remember <3

Poker Run 2012

This year I attended the annual poker run in memory of Josh.  I was excited to go this year since I was sick last year.  Ironically enough, it was July 15.  2 years ago yesterday I boarded a plane from North Carolina with tears in my eyes hoping that the next 7 months would go fast.  I had a bad feeling that day.  I wish I would've held onto that hug a little longer.. went back for one more kiss.  I tried being strong.  One last hug, one last kiss, one last kiss on the forehead before wiping away my tears and heading into the airport.  It's crazy how much can change in such a short period of time.

Attending the Poker Run allowed me to see a lot of people close to Josh that I haven't seen in a while.  I was lucky that Jeff went with me as a support and to remember Josh too.  Walking in the door was so overwhelming.  The tears welled up in my eyes as I choked them back.  It was so good to see everyone, but it also brought back the pain of Josh being gone.  Being with his family and friends made me miss him so much.

As the Poker Run pulled out we went through our hometown, passed our high school, stopped in the town where I had to say goodbye, drove on the roads we took when we brought him home.  It was a huge flood of emotions for me.  As I sat in the passenger seat while Jeff drove, I looked out my windows at all of the people standing on their porches and the bikes in front of me and the cars behind me.  I felt that overwhelming feeling of love, pride, and comfort in my heart all over again.

I haven't cried in some time.  I think I've reached a point in my grief where I try pushing the pain away.  Avoiding it to not feel the hurt.  To a lot of people on the outside I'm sure it looks like I'm perfectly fine.  That's so very wrong.  I think about it every single day.  It's something you don't just get over or forget about.  At some point you have to realize that you can't live in the past.  You can't spend your whole life wondering what could have been.

I talk to girls who are still living the Marine lifestyle and sometimes I get jealous.  I miss it.  Don't ask me why!  It's not like I ever got my way deal with the Corps.  I guess it's just another part to hold on to.  I miss the people.. the Marine Corps family.  Not many people get that opportunity in their lifetime.  

I still haven't figured it out why this happened and I probably never will.  I do my best to honor his memory and live my life in a way that he would be proud.  One's thing is for sure- life as a widda is never boring.  It's a hard hand to be dealt in life, but you become a better/stronger person because of it. 

Yesterday was a perfect way to remember Josh and I was honored to be a part of it.  Even through the pain, there is always the feeling of pride and love and that makes it worth every second.

Memorial Day: Take II

For the first 20 or so years of my life Memorial Day meant my birthday, cookouts, start of summer, day off work, pools open, etc.  These are memorial days from the past.  Summer fun cookouts.. completely carefree. 

For most Americans, that's what it still is.  Up until a year a half ago I didn't realize how much more there was involved in the day.  This year my birthday is Monday.  I was born on memorial day 22 years ago.  Maybe that's a freaky sign?  I don't know.  Anymore it almost makes me feel guilty that I had that association my whole life.  I didn't even take 5 minutes to think about what the day really meant.  Which is this:

Don't get me wrong.. Memorial day is a time to celebrate.  This year (just like last year) I will take some time to think about what the day is really for.  A day to remember someone as amazing as Josh along with all of the other men and women who have fought for our freedom.  If it wasn't for these people, we wouldn't be with our families, friends, significant others.  We wouldn't have the luxury of this holiday weekend a day off from work.  The least we could do is take a little time out of our day to remember. 

In other news.. I'm extremely busy as usual.   A little happier each day.  I'm excited for my upcoming birthday and what the age of 22 has to hold for me.  Things with Jeff are going well.  He is still dealing with my wid nonsense on a daily basis so I can't complain.  I'm getting better and I am thankful for that (I could never thank my family/friends and Jeff for that.. I really was/am a handful when it comes to this). 

Looking back on old posts can be so painful sometimes.  I somehow managed to block that pain/hurt/anger out of my mind.   I never realized how much I lived on auto pilot until recently.  For a good year I just went through the motions of life.  It's a crazy thing.   Something I never want to relive ever again.  It really was a very dark time in my life.  It's comforting to know that after such a tragedy.. after part of me died.. that there is almost a rebirth.  The freedom of being able to live life again.  To see a light in life that got lost in the dark.  Josh would never want me to live like that.  It's something you would never wish on anyone. 

Anyways, that's what I'll be doing this memorial day.. celebrating my birthday with the people I love and remembering another love, Josh, along with all the other fallen men and women who deserve a thank you. 

So my fellow blog readers.. my challenge/request for you this memorial day is to take 5 minutes away from your holiday celebrations to remember the fallen.  The amazing/brave men and women who allow us to have days like this.  Have a safe and fun holiday weekend!

It's been a while..

.. a long long while.  I haven't forgot about the blogging world!  I've just been so busy lately I haven't had as much time to update as I did in the past. 

Things have been going pretty well.  As time goes on it gets a little better, but never goes away.  I think about him everyday and there are constant reminders of different things that happened over the 5 years that we were together.  Part of me hates that time keeps moving on because it feels like he goes further and further away.  It caught me off guard the other day to think that it will be 2 years this year.  When I think about that day it seems like yesterday.  Some days it's overwhelming to the point of just crying because I never wanted to be in this position.  Other days it's smiling for the time that we did have.  It's a constant up and down.  The down days get further apart, but it seems to be that when there is a down day they can be a whole lot worse.  I still ask why and wonder if it could have been different. I suppose that's something you never let go of.. you never stop the love. 

Things with Jeff are going well.  It's been a little over a year since we started talking again.  I'm so lucky to have someone there again.  I know some people look at it in a negative way.  Trust me.. it's harder for me than anyone could ever really imagine.  I'm extremely fortunate to be with someone who is so accepting of it and respectful of Josh's place in my life.  By no means is this an easy thing for him either.  It's comforting to me that I can talk about it, cry, smile, laugh, or whatever when it comes to talking about Josh and he always listens. 

Something I've come to realize is it isn't about "replacing" or someone coming in second.  It's something different.  I care about each of them in their own way and no matter where life takes me, Josh will always be with me.  He's in my heart and I know he'll watch over me.  I'm a lucky girl to have that twice.  I convinced myself that I was just going to be a fat nun living in a convent for the rest of my life.  Really though.. what fun is that?

Things happen for a reason even if I will never know what they are.  Shit happens.  Bottom line.  Whether it be something as serious as losing someone or a fight with a friend.  It's just how it goes.  It amazes me though that someone actually brought Josh's death into something to try knocking me down.  Jeff ripped the phone out of my hand ready to take someone out.. but I took it back finishing the conversation only to know that I can't stoop to that same level.  I just never thought people could be so disrespectful.  The last thing Josh ever deserves is someone to use his death against me in a negative manner.  I would never think of using a tragic time in someones life as something to try and knock them down. 

One thing I have learned through all of this is everyone has their own opinions and people will always talk.  There will never be a day when everybody agrees.. its impossible.  Through it all I've learned that I'm strong.  I'm better than that and I can get through anything.  I'm a strong believer in karma.  A believer in the fact that Josh is watching and protecting me from above while I have Jeff here.  People are out to get you sometimes.  No matter how nice or how hard you work there is always someone that will have something to say about it. 

I was always the girl that let people get to me.. and that needs to stop.  For the longest time I kept worrying about what everyone would think if they found out I was talking to someone new.  And what for?  At some point I realized that I needed to do what was best for me and to hell with everyone else.  Everything I've been through has only made me stronger.  I don't need negative people in my life.  I've been so blessed to have amazing friends and family that have stood by my side no matter what. 

The day I stopped stressing about everyone else is the day it started getting better.  I'm slowly, but surely moving forward in my life.  You realize you can't just stop when the rest of the world keeps on turning.  Just because you move forward doesn't mean that you ever forget.  It's a part of who you are and it shapes the person you become.  I need to keep focusing on me and what makes me happy.  For now.. I can't say life is all that bad.  I have everything I need.. whether it be here or up in the sky.