True Colors

If there is one thing I learned over the course of the past 10.5 months it's when tragedy strikes in your life.. you see peoples true colors.  I couldn't even tell you how many people have promised me they would be there whenever I needed them.  Truth is.. they aren't.

Most of the time I feel like more of a burden than anything.  I used to get so butt hurt when I thought these people weren't following through with their promises.  But this morning I thought about it and you know what?  I don't care anymore.  I have had some great people to help me through this.  As for the others.. to hell with them.

Just for the record, I don't expect people to drop everything for me.  It's not like that.  What hurt was the fact that some people made promises and can't even check in to say hello.  Or even ask how I am.  I didn't know sending a quick message was such a complicated task.  Maybe that's just me asking too much.  I don't know.

I guess if anything I learned not to rely on people for things.  If I do it myself I can't get hurt in the end.  It's sad that I have gotten to that point.  Expect less out of people so I don't get hurt.  Really all people do is talk talk talk.  I must have one exciting life because it seems to be a prime topic of conversation around these parts.

Really at this point I don't even have it in me to blog about it.  I'm frustrated with a lot of things that are happening right now.  Honestly I think that if I did write about it that it wouldn't make any sense or people wouldn't understand.  I've been MIA lately and I think that's why.  I need to ponder some more before I write that blog because it will probably give people something to talk about.

Sometimes it feels like trying to explain my thoughts and feelings is completely impossible.  No matter how hard I try.. I can never fully explain it to someone.  The closest I can get is other wids because they're going through it too.  For example.. being with someone else.

I can't let myself be with someone else yet.  I've heard stories of other widows and the "rebounds."  I don't want to be that girl.  I want to figure things out before I get myself into anything.  I need to get my own life together.. figure out what I want again.  Even if that means talking to different guys to find out.

Right after Josh died I thought it was totally impossible to be with someone else.  I had my mind set that my life was planned with him and no one else.  What I realized is I will never stop loving Josh and no one will ever replace him.  No one.  But I don't want to be alone forever.  I want a fairy tale just like every other girl.  It's just that now that's going to take a little time.  The people I talk to from here on out have to understand that.  If they want to take that chance with me.. they'll wait.  Wait for me to figure it out.  Even if that means talking to someone else.  It's going to take time.  Maybe even years.

At first I was devastated by that.  I was supposed to be getting married and starting my life.  Watching other people do that while I sit back is hard for me.  I know in my heart that it's going to take time.  Time for me to heal.  Time for me to figure life out again.  Time for me to figure out what I want.

I can't settle down right now and I won't.  It would be unfair to me and to someone else.  What most people don't understand is how hard it is to put your life back together after something so traumatic happens.  To put your trust back into life and what it can be.  You lose all hope.  I was talking to a girl I work with today and for the past 10 months I stopped caring about anything and everything.  I gained weight.. I will stay in bed for hours.  I just don't give a shit.  That's an awful attitude to have and I know that.  Really though I don't think you can expect much more than that from a fairly new war widow.

It's no wonder that when people are married for several years and their spouse dies.. they die shortly after.  You physically can't live without them.  I still haven't learned to live with just me.  For so long it was "Chrissy and Josh."  Now it's just Chrissy.  I'm not ready to be Chrissy and someone else yet.  It's going to be a while.

I want to be happy more than anything in the world.. eventually.  Truth is I'm still grieving.  Learning how to laugh and smile again.  That's tough for someone in my place.  Something that seems so simple becomes so hard.  Most people can't even fathom what it's like to go through it.  I hear people complaining about life and I so badly want to ask them if they know how bad it can really be.

I see people who have it all.. yet they're unhappy for some reason.  People cheat.. leave their families.  I don't get it.  You have it all and you don't care.  Cheating or having a "spare" seems to be the thing to do these days.  I actually finally told someone about Josh and the response I got?  "If it makes you feel any better I just broke up with my fiance."  No.  No it doesn't make me feel better.  I would give up my life just to have one more day.  Why is it that I tried so hard to do everything by the book and I'm the one who ends up empty handed?  I'm the one that gets my life taken away.  That's one thing I'll never understand.

Point is.. no matter how far I come.. I still have a long way to go.  I'll figure it out eventually, but it's no surprise to anyone that it's going to take some time.  In the mean time.. l'll stay close to my true friends.  The people who left me high and dry and the ones who have so much to say can f off.  I'm done with it.  Worrying about that kind of negativity isn't going to get me anywhere.  All that will do is hold me back and I clearly don't have the extra time for that.

*A fellow wid, Katie, blogged about her feelings on a widow's dating world.  You can find it here.  Katie became a single mother and widow after the death of her husband.  Her words are inspiring.. Go check out her blog.