Monday, July 18, 2011

Ball of Emotions

I apologize for my extended absence.  Lately things have been pretty rough and the days I have gone through have been tough pills to swallow.  If anything it was more days that I survived, easy or not.

The first one was the 15th.  Friday marked a year since I had last touched him.  I remember that morning so vividly.  Waking up in the wee hours of the morning so I could get to the airport and he could get to his inspection.  I remember driving there.  It was still dark so you could only see the lights of Jacksonville as we drove away to the airport.  He held my hand the whole way there.  I couldn't even talk.  The tears rolled down my face as I stared out the window.  Occasionally gazing over as he focused on the road dressed in his cammies.  I remember how my heart sank when I saw the airport sign and we made the left turn off the highway.  "This is it," is all I could think.  We pulled up, got out of the car, and he took my suitcase out of the trunk.  We looked at each other and he grabbed me as I cried harder.  He gave me a kiss and let go.  I remember him asking if I was okay.  Before I could even answer he said "come here" and pulled me back in.  He kissed me on the forehead and told me he loved me.  I grabbed my suitcase and walked inside with tears pouring out of my eyes.  I remember turning around and looking through the glass window to watch him drive away. 

You know what was ironic about that day?  I was so pissed off at my family when I got home.  I was in a rotten mood after my plane landed and everyone just kept pushing me to spend time with them and "loosen up."  I just cried.  I remember snapping and saying, "Do you know what I did today?  What if I don't see him again?"  And I didn't.  That was the last time I saw him.  A whole entire year seems insane.

Which brings me to my next point.  Yesterday was a year ago that the deployment started.  I was at work so we were texting all day as they got ready to leave.  I remember going out with my friends last night and getting items for my first care package.  I freaked when a storm hit and my cell phone wasn't working.  If I missed my last phone call I was going to be livid.  I didn't get that phone call anyways because he text me as they were taking off when they found out that they wouldn't be stopping in Maine this time.  Luckily at the time my brother stayed up all night with me and watched movies.  No one likes a deployment day.  It was the "here we go again" kinda feeling.  I felt like an expert though.  I had already done it once so I could surely do it again.  I was ready to get it over with so that we could start our lives once he returned home. 

I hate that people have to die.  On Thursday I went to the funeral of someone that I knew when I was growing up.  He was only 66 and left behind a wife and two daughters.  He was the Fire Chief in our town for many years so he was a well known and respected man in our community.  I snuck into the back of my Church because I've been a bad Catholic ever since Josh died.  I haven't stepped foot in that Church for several reasons.  Mostly because I'm still angry and even though it's probably wrong that is where I place most of my blame.  To sit through Funerals anymore is so incredibly difficult.  As I watched the family file in I was caught off guard as the husband of one of the daughters entered wearing his dress blues.  He is a Marine that was in Afghanistan and made it home just in time for the funeral.  That was probably about the time I was thinking it wasn't such a swell idea to put myself through another funeral.  I gathered my thoughts as the Priest began.  I did okay most of the time.  It just broke my heart to see his wife in front of me crying over the loss of her husband.  I know how incredibly difficult it was for me to sit there for Josh let alone after 43 years of marriage and two daughters.  My heart broke for all of them.  At the end they draped an American flag over the casket and started playing Amazing Grace.  Game over.  That combination does not sit well with me at all.  As everyone filed out of the Church, that was the same moment I decided not to follow the procession to the cemetery. 

I made my way back to my house and walked the two blocks down the main street in town where I saw this:

His casket made its way down Main Street on his favorite truck.  It was escorted by several other Fire Trucks along with all of the cars in the procession.  Each made its way underneath the flag one at a time.  It was a tear jerker to watch.  I remember that feeling.. Watching the people lined up on the streets to show their respect.  It is people like this that truly make an impact and leave a lasting impression on this community. 

After the procession ended I went back to my house.  I was officially in a slump for the rest of the day.  When I do something like that it emotionally drains me for a good 24 hours.  It's different though after you go through something so traumatic you feel so much for the family that is now in that position.  My thoughts and prayers are with the Misurda family. 

The one amazing thing about this community is the support that you have when something like this happens.  As painful as it is there is that constant reminder that you never have to do anything alone.  I have to remind myself of that sometimes.  I don't have to do it alone.  Sometimes I want to though.  It's weird.  But no matter what the people that really care stand back and wait for me to come to them.  For now I'm okay.  I passed over the bad parts of this month so I'll keep pushing forward.  I really wish September 2nd didn't feel so close.


  1. My heart hurts for you. I know nothing I can say will make you feel better. Stay strong, and remember, god doesnt put anything in front of you that you cannot handle. Sending you my best!

  2. i wish i could tell you something to make you feel better, but i can't. i'm sorry. but i do want to tell you that i'm here for you. i know i don't you personally, but i am. and just in case you need one, here's a virtual hug (---------------------)

  3. Chrissy...

    I just have to say that you are SO brave, and SO strong. To be able to channel your emotions into something so beautifully, and intricately written as this's just left me speechless. A friend of mine shared this blog to me, and I sat here for hours just reading, and going through your thoughts with you. And it left me in tears. You have a way of pulling all of us into what you're feeling.

    I want to say thank you to your boyfriend for paying the ultimate sacrifice, and for ensuring our freedom.
    I want to say thank you to YOU for helping me realize that this is all too real. This really does happen.
    I like to think sometimes as a Military Fiance that things like this are just stories. Pictures are just that, pictures...and stories are just...stories.
    Reading this really put me in my place, and really helped me realize that every moment is magical.

    Pay no heed to people who try to tell you to 'lighten up'. You're coping at your pace, and your way, and you're doing a fantastic job.

    Again, thank you Chrissy. I'll be following from now on. And if you need absolutely anything, please, I'm just an email away.

  4. Chrissy,

    It breaks my heart to read about what happened to your husband and can't imgaine the pain you must have gone thru. You are such a strong person to have made it thru all this heart ache and suffering. I'm a Marine wife as well and know it's hard to go thru just a deployment, but I can never know what you have been thru. You are an amazing person, and I wish you nothing but the best. If you want to talk anytime just blog me. <3

  5. I didn't realize you came to the church that day. I can't imagine how hard that was for you but I'm grateful that you did. Among many thoughts I had while sitting in that pew I kept thinking about all the good and bad moments those four walls have seen. I found pictures of my baptism and I could see my dad standing there holding the candle. I could hear him singing in the choir and I could see him standing by my sister as he gave her away to be married. Then I thought of how many other families have shared these same experiences in that same church. But what you said about community is true. The out pouring of support was a welcomed and needed comfort. As you go through the first year of "this was the last time" and so on be sure to reach out to those you feel comfortable with for support. I wish I had something brilliant and comforting to say but I don't. It just plain stings and I keep thinking "things will never be the same" and I know you feel that too but in a different, painful way. Hang in there...*hugs*