Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Restarting the Cycle

Well here I am on year two making my way through everything once again without him by my side. It's weird thinking about it being the second year. For an entire year I relied on everything being "last year we did this.". It was somewhat of a comfort to hold onto that. Now there is nothing good to say about "last year."

A few days ago I was talking with someone and they mentioned wanting to go back a year. I instantly said yeah me too. Then I paused and thought about it. The next thing out of my mouth was no I take that back. I never want to feel the pain of that fresh wound ever again. I never want to live my life in a fog or on auto pilot, struggling through each day. No, thanks

The pain lives on each day and it never leaves. I still long for the past and I tear up when I think or talk about things that were special to us. All day everyday

The only positive is starting to slowly live life again remembering to appreciate every little thing. I'm so thankful for things that I have accomplished in the last year even with my heart completely broken and my body barely functioning. I know he would be so proud of me. He was always my biggest cheerleader and reminded me I could do anything that I set my mind to. Here I am about to start another care package drive, in my last semester of class about to was into student teaching (with a 3.8 I might add), still coaching and working. Busy as usual.

Being busy keeps me sane. I have less time to think and more time to keep pushing forward. When you hit rock bottom the only way to go is up. A year ago it seemed impossible. Feeling so incredibly lost like a piece of you died along with your heart. I set into my second year with a still foggy, but somewhat clear, vision of what I need to do in life.

I have by no means moved on. Just last night I looked at the ring I had picked out. My eyes filled with tears thinking of what could have been. His 23rd birthday is this Saturday and I plan on celebrating it for him. Trust me.. He wouldn't want it any other way. I think I might let some balloons go with little messages. It's a comfort thing to make me feel connected in some way.

It would be nice to have another dream. I still haven't had another one nor can I remember what the last one was about. They just feel so real and that's all I have. Maybe he'll be feeling froggy this weekend and drop by. I'm not getting my hopes up it's just wishful thinking.

Well, cheers to 23, babe. And here's to me getting through round two.

10 comments:

  1. You are an incredibly strong woman. I think of you and pray for you often. Way to rock it with the 3.8 gpa!!! freakin awesome girly

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  2. Chrissy, you are amazing! Congratulations on your great GPA and surviving the whole year.

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  3. You can do it! You've already proven how amazing you are. I know he would appreciate the sentiment of the balloons on his birthday - it's a really sweet idea! Also, since your blog is inspiring to me, I gave you a little shoutout and something on my blog :) http://acreedandapsalm.blogspot.com/2011/09/cream-of-crop.html

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  4. Chrissy, ppl say it gets better with time... Idk if thats so true. With mom & gung.. not so much. Im here for ya!

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  5. Chrissy, I don't know you but have spent the last hour reading through your blog posts! God Bless You! I can't even imagine how you feel but I'm sending lots of prayers your way!

    Thinking of you,
    Proud wife of a servicemember

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  6. I have been reading your blog for a while now and have never commented. I wanted to say you are an incredible inspiration. I heard this song the other day and felt that i needed to share it with you. I hope you enjoy it.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvuJaVQnWcU

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  7. I just found your blog and wanted to tell you how inspiring you are. Thank you for being so honest and open. You're incredibly strong.

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  8. You are so strong & I admire your strength so much!

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  9. I just found your blog in household 6 diva, and wanted to let your know that your courage and ability to press on ward is awe inspiring. I cringe every time someone we know is deployed over seas.

    Keep moving forward. I will pray for you to continue your march forward. Two Boys on the Run

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  10. I just stumbled upon your blog through a list of nominations for the best military spouse blogs and read through a few of the recent entries as well as your 'about us'. I am sorry to read of your loss, but I am glad that you have kept busy and set toward accomplishing so much. Grats on the 3.8 GPA. I am sure that he is proud of you. I hope your wish came true for the dream. Best wishes as you work through this year.

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