I'm alive.

I survived a whole year.  It seems like it's been so much longer than that.  I had been dreading the 2nd for weeks, but I made it.

This year was pretty calm.  I once again woke to a beautiful morning.. no phone calls.  I got ready as my phone slowly started ringing more often with facebook updates and text messages.  I went to class.  I could hear people whispering behind me most of the day and I just kept praying the day would go fast so I didn't have to think about it anymore.  I went to lunch with my friends after our seminar and I had some errands to run that afternoon.  I found it easier to stay ridiculously busy so I wasn't moping around doing nothing. 

I went to the football game and I held it together.  I got that same feeling of a thousand eyes on me as I walked by.  Everyone knew what day it was.  It was a repeat of walking on eggshells when it came to talking to me or shying away.  I felt those same things last year.  I know people mean well and I am thankful for everyone's support.. Sometimes it's just an awkward feeling that I could never explain to anyone.  By the end of the game I was quiet.  I held it together all day and it was about to come crashing down.

I made it back to my house with one of my friends.  I walked into my kitchen and put all of my stuff down... Game over.  I lost it.  Hitting the one year mark signified so much.  I had done many of the things I did a year before that, but it was so very different.  My heart ached at the fact that so much time has gone by and he really isn't coming back.

Ever since that day everything has been weighing heaving on my heart and mind.  I've found myself thinking about it more frequently.  Longing to have my old life back more than I ever have along with the blunt reality that it's not going to happen. 

Two nights ago I had a dream and he was talking to me.  I wish I could remember exactly what he said but I woke up and just laid there.  Almost stunned.  It's been so long since I last had dream and not remembering what it was about was eating me alive.  I know they say dreams are just our imaginations or thoughts processing; however, I hold on to those dreams more than anything else in the world.  Even if it's not real I feel like he's talking to me and saying he's still there.

I really can't believe a year has gone by.  My whole life has drastically changed in a matter of 365 days.  A new future and outlook on life.. the same pains that it will never be what I once had.  I made it though.  A year ago getting through a week seemed nearly impossible.  I didn't know what to do or how I was going to survive.  I remember saying a million times, "what am I supposed to do?"  I went into a survival mode.. almost like an auto-pilot.  Fighting through each day just to get up and fight through the next.

I'm stronger.  So much stronger than I was at the beginning.  I still cry.  I still hurt.  Those things have remained fairly steady in my life.  The best thing of it all?  Still being in love.  No matter what happens in life or who is taken from you too soon, you never stop loving them.  I think about him every single day and I'm so thankful to have had that kind of love in my life.  We were a perfect match and most people don't experience that in their lifetime.  I will always be thankful for that.

Well here we are on year two.  I'm not sure what this year will bring.  I'm out of "last years" and "firsts," but you never know what it will be like now.  What I do this year is I can survive it.  I can slowly start living my life again.  Easing some of the pain and enjoying the things I can do.  When Josh died, part of me died too.  At the same time.. part of me is still alive and he would never in a million years want me to throw my life away.  He wants me to live and I will.. just for him.