Nocturnal

That's me!  I swear I haven't gone to bed earlier than 1 am in months.  It nearly seems impossible and it's almost expected for me to be up to weird hours every single night.  Over break it's been rather nice because  I make up for it in the mornings.  However,  I'm not real happy that it is 2 am and I have to be up at 7 to work on campus.  Doesn't help my cause that I am pulling a double tomorrow.  Blah!

It has to be a widow thing.  I'm usually up talking to Ashleigh and when I look at who is online, the other widsters are on there too.  The things I would do to go to bed at a normal hour.  Nyquil is even failing me these days.  I planned on going to bed hours ago.  Instead- I cleaned my room (which you know was a disaster, my Nana will be proud) and put 8 care packages together.  Time was well spent, but I am going to be super grouchy in the morning.  Oh and I'm on a diet so that means no Starbucks for me :( Boo.

Today was an "okay" day.  They aren't as few and far between these days.  It's kinda nice actually to feel not so bad everyday.  I'm starting to regain some normalcy and adjusting to this new life.  I was talking to someone earlier and I can't live in that miserable/alone/sadness every single day.  It's awful and draining.  They say happiness is a choice and I believe that to a certain extent.  I'm working on things and focusing on me for the first time in a while.  I have learned when to expect my bad days (2's and Thursdays) so I make sure I'm plenty busy on those days.  Now it's just the random reminders and breakdowns that get me.  I'm trying to look at things in a positive light and it does help.  Obviously nothing is going to make it go away.  It will forever be with me- every single day of my life.  I never stop thinking about it.  I thought about you a lot today.  I had a dream about you last night and I remember at first you were screwing around being your normal self and I remember saying "Josh you know we don't have a lot of time.  I need to know what you want me to do."  You said a few things, but the important one, "Chrissy, I want you to do whatever makes you happy."

I woke up happy this morning after that.  I know you want me to be happy and you wouldn't want me living my life like a miserable prude everyday.  This is a very very long journey and I am nowhere near the end.  I am, however, making progress and taking little baby steps.   I thought about you a lot today.  I miss you more and more each day.  I know that you live on in my heart and memories and you will make sure that I'm happy again.  You never liked to see me sad or hear me cry.   In 2011 I'm going to try working on that.  When you hit rock bottom you can only go up, right?  So, up up and away we go.

I was feeling guilty about my okay or good days, but I don't anymore.  I know that's what you would want me to do and if we were in each others places I would want the same for you.  I'm still so heartbroken that we can't have the life that we planned.  I wish so badly I could take the past back and I would do it in a second.  But I'm currently picking up the tiny pieces of my broken heart and putting it back together- slowly, but surely. 

Well.  Two doubles in two days will be fun.  It'll be well worth it though.  Weather permitting I'll be on my way south of the mason dixon for the funeral of the Marine mentioned in the previous blog.  It'll be nice to get away, but I wish it was for better circumstances.  I wanted to share with you a part of the letter that I got from this Marine a few weeks back.. (I looked frantically for this letter all day Saturday and was in tears when I thought I lost it.  I did end up finding it and I'm so glad that I did.)

Remember, if you're ever down in the dumps just pray and God will take care of you, just as he does for all of his children.

He was right.  I'm a fighter and I'm going to make it; with God's help and my friends and family.    Most importantly, help from you.  Love you <3

Edit:  In response to a comment- I understand there are other branches risking their lives, but this blog is about my life with the Marine Corps and that is my main focus.  I'm not leaving them out on purpose or down grading them by any means.

Other peoples dreams

So I have gathered a general census that you have been visiting other people (hope you don't mind!) and here's a couple of the messages I have gotten the past two days:

"Okay, so I had the weirdest dream last night. I was like in jail and everything it was weird. But anyways, Josh was in my dream. This is where it gets random. Anyways, I was in heaven watching everyone. Someone asked Josh why he was all gray because everyone in heaven is supposed to be rainbow colored but Josh said he wasn't rainbow colored cause you weren't there and the only way you were allowed to be rainbow colored in heaven is if you were complete and happy how you left people/things on earth. He said he would never be rainbow colored, because of him your heart is broken and he left you before he was ready to. So now he'll be gray until you're with him or until he knows that you're okay. And he knew I was watching so he said tell Chrissy i'll wait right here (because the gray people weren't allowed with the rainbow people)."

"Last night, you and Josh made an appearance in my dream. He was there, talking to you, and you could see him, and touch him, but it was after he died. (Weird, I know.) But he was with us watching a Steelers game, wearing his Jersey that he had. After the game was over, you walked with him to the door, because he told you that he couldn't stay. He brushed your hair back (I don't know if he did that regularly or not) and told you that he was okay where he was, that he was proud of you, and that he loves you still. Then he kissed your forehead and walked out. "

Heartbreaking and Comforting all at the same time..