Monday, January 10, 2011

Nocturnal

That's me!  I swear I haven't gone to bed earlier than 1 am in months.  It nearly seems impossible and it's almost expected for me to be up to weird hours every single night.  Over break it's been rather nice because  I make up for it in the mornings.  However,  I'm not real happy that it is 2 am and I have to be up at 7 to work on campus.  Doesn't help my cause that I am pulling a double tomorrow.  Blah!

It has to be a widow thing.  I'm usually up talking to Ashleigh and when I look at who is online, the other widsters are on there too.  The things I would do to go to bed at a normal hour.  Nyquil is even failing me these days.  I planned on going to bed hours ago.  Instead- I cleaned my room (which you know was a disaster, my Nana will be proud) and put 8 care packages together.  Time was well spent, but I am going to be super grouchy in the morning.  Oh and I'm on a diet so that means no Starbucks for me :( Boo.

Today was an "okay" day.  They aren't as few and far between these days.  It's kinda nice actually to feel not so bad everyday.  I'm starting to regain some normalcy and adjusting to this new life.  I was talking to someone earlier and I can't live in that miserable/alone/sadness every single day.  It's awful and draining.  They say happiness is a choice and I believe that to a certain extent.  I'm working on things and focusing on me for the first time in a while.  I have learned when to expect my bad days (2's and Thursdays) so I make sure I'm plenty busy on those days.  Now it's just the random reminders and breakdowns that get me.  I'm trying to look at things in a positive light and it does help.  Obviously nothing is going to make it go away.  It will forever be with me- every single day of my life.  I never stop thinking about it.  I thought about you a lot today.  I had a dream about you last night and I remember at first you were screwing around being your normal self and I remember saying "Josh you know we don't have a lot of time.  I need to know what you want me to do."  You said a few things, but the important one, "Chrissy, I want you to do whatever makes you happy."

I woke up happy this morning after that.  I know you want me to be happy and you wouldn't want me living my life like a miserable prude everyday.  This is a very very long journey and I am nowhere near the end.  I am, however, making progress and taking little baby steps.   I thought about you a lot today.  I miss you more and more each day.  I know that you live on in my heart and memories and you will make sure that I'm happy again.  You never liked to see me sad or hear me cry.   In 2011 I'm going to try working on that.  When you hit rock bottom you can only go up, right?  So, up up and away we go.

I was feeling guilty about my okay or good days, but I don't anymore.  I know that's what you would want me to do and if we were in each others places I would want the same for you.  I'm still so heartbroken that we can't have the life that we planned.  I wish so badly I could take the past back and I would do it in a second.  But I'm currently picking up the tiny pieces of my broken heart and putting it back together- slowly, but surely. 

Well.  Two doubles in two days will be fun.  It'll be well worth it though.  Weather permitting I'll be on my way south of the mason dixon for the funeral of the Marine mentioned in the previous blog.  It'll be nice to get away, but I wish it was for better circumstances.  I wanted to share with you a part of the letter that I got from this Marine a few weeks back.. (I looked frantically for this letter all day Saturday and was in tears when I thought I lost it.  I did end up finding it and I'm so glad that I did.)

Remember, if you're ever down in the dumps just pray and God will take care of you, just as he does for all of his children.

He was right.  I'm a fighter and I'm going to make it; with God's help and my friends and family.    Most importantly, help from you.  Love you <3

Edit:  In response to a comment- I understand there are other branches risking their lives, but this blog is about my life with the Marine Corps and that is my main focus.  I'm not leaving them out on purpose or down grading them by any means.

3 comments:

  1. I am somewhat of a new follower of yours. I have been following you for a while but I haven’t really been commenting. I am very sorry for your loss. I have no idea what it is like to be a widow but I am sure it’s pure hell and I am very sorry that you are one of the wives that have to live in that hell. As for your dieting… I too have been dieting and I have not had to change anything that I eat I have only changed how much I eat. I keep track of my calories using an application called MyNetDiary on my iPod you can also use it on a computer at mynetdiary.com though I have found it a lot easier to use from my iPod. I actually posted about this the other day (8th of January). Please feel free to check out my blog at http://armywifeb2010.blogspot.com/

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  2. I am proud of you for making progress Chrissy. You're such a strong young lady and I know Josh is definitely proud!

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  3. I've had problems with insomnia my whole life and it got 10x worse when my depression/post trauma occured. My doctor prescribed me Temazepan. It helps me fall asleep, stay asleep, and it doesn't give you that groggy feeling the next day. I noticed when I took it and got a good amount of sleep, I wasn't so down in the dumps.

    I know it won't help too much but it's a start. All too often, when were going through hard times, we forget to take care of our bodies.

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