10 years from now..

..where will you be?

This question was asked today.  I was in a class doing an assignment and this was part of it.

When the professor asked, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  For the first time in years I had absolutely no idea what to say.  I don't have a freaking clue.

I swear I have OCD when it comes to planning.  I mean, you know that.  I always had everything figured out perfectly.  We had our life figured out and that was perfect too.  Now I'm just not sure.  Where do I go?  What do I do?  Will I get married?  Will I have a family?  Is someone going to love me and take care of me?

I don't know.

I was so happy with you.  I'm not happy now and I want to be so badly.  I want the pain and hurt to just go away already.  We're pushing 9 weeks and it's not getting any better.  I can do a million things to try and forget about it for a little while, but it never works.

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass.. It's about learning to dance in the rain.."

I'm trying to do that.  I really am.  However, it's a lot harder than it sounds.  Trying to make a positive out of an extremely large negative. This care package drive is nothing short of amazing right now and I'm so excited to be doing it.

But no matter what I do, it's not changing what's going on in my life.  I want you here and I can't.  You know better than anyone that I don't like it when things don't go my way.  Extremely grouchy pickle right now.

So.  Ten years?  I don't know.  But could you figure it out for me because not having a plan is making me crazy.  Ask Lauren.  She just pointed out how much of a planner I am haha.  I'm glad you guys know me oh so well :)

Babe, fix it.  You were way better at fixing things than I am.

The Impatient Planner

That would be me, but you already know that.

It's driving me nuts that I don't know where I'm going in life.  For the longest time we had a plan.

Plan being:

• Finish deployment
• Finish enlistment
• Get engaged
• Move home
• Finish school/get job
• Get married
• Start a family
• Build a house
• Live happily ever after

Here's my plan now:

• .

Yup, no clue.  I hate that my life is in a million pieces and I'm still not sure where to go or what to do.  That feeling is making me a crazy person. My life was so much easier when I had a plan.  I knew where I was going and what I wanted to do.  Now I'm sorta feeling like I don't have a purpose.  God only knows how long it will be until I find one again, IF I find one again.

Where's my plan in all of this?  I'm not seeing the bigger picture here or for what reason this had to happen.  I'm the type of person that wants to quickly pick up the pieces and put it all back together.  Hell, for the other crisis' in my life I did do that.  I just put on my smile and everything was okay.

I can't do that this time.  My life is in too many pieces to pick back up right now and in all reality I'm missing half of the puzzle.  I know you're always going to be with me, but not the way I want you to be.  When it comes down to it I know you won't let me live my life unhappy and miserable.  However, it is always going to be in the back of my mind.  What we could have had or what we were supposed to have.

I need my plan back.  For the past 5 years we had a plan and it was all working out perfectly until 7.5 weeks ago.  Why me?  Why now?  Thanks Mr. All High and Mighty for leading me on all of this time thinking it was going finally going to work.  This plan was getting to be set in stone.  Things picked out, moving forward, all to come to an abrupt end and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

I didn't choose any of this.  Why is it that we don't get a say in our fate?  Not fair.  The control freak in me wants to fix it and make it better asap.  I'm pretty sure I'm OCD when it comes to having a plan in life and they might need to put me in a crazy house soon.  Kourtney could probably attest to this more than anyone right now.

So, Joshua Thomas.  Help me out here.  I need you to tell/show me where to go and what to do.  I still need you and I'm always going to.