Monday, October 25, 2010

The Impatient Planner

That would be me, but you already know that.

It's driving me nuts that I don't know where I'm going in life.  For the longest time we had a plan.

Plan being:
  • Finish deployment
  • Finish enlistment
  • Get engaged
  • Move home
  • Finish school/get job
  • Get married
  • Start a family
  • Build a house
  • Live happily ever after
Here's my plan now:
  • .
Yup, no clue.  I hate that my life is in a million pieces and I'm still not sure where to go or what to do.  That feeling is making me a crazy person. My life was so much easier when I had a plan.  I knew where I was going and what I wanted to do.  Now I'm sorta feeling like I don't have a purpose.  God only knows how long it will be until I find one again, IF I find one again.

Where's my plan in all of this?  I'm not seeing the bigger picture here or for what reason this had to happen.  I'm the type of person that wants to quickly pick up the pieces and put it all back together.  Hell, for the other crisis' in my life I did do that.  I just put on my smile and everything was okay.

I can't do that this time.  My life is in too many pieces to pick back up right now and in all reality I'm missing half of the puzzle.  I know you're always going to be with me, but not the way I want you to be.  When it comes down to it I know you won't let me live my life unhappy and miserable.  However, it is always going to be in the back of my mind.  What we could have had or what we were supposed to have.

I need my plan back.  For the past 5 years we had a plan and it was all working out perfectly until 7.5 weeks ago.  Why me?  Why now?  Thanks Mr. All High and Mighty for leading me on all of this time thinking it was going finally going to work.  This plan was getting to be set in stone.  Things picked out, moving forward, all to come to an abrupt end and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

I didn't choose any of this.  Why is it that we don't get a say in our fate?  Not fair.  The control freak in me wants to fix it and make it better asap.  I'm pretty sure I'm OCD when it comes to having a plan in life and they might need to put me in a crazy house soon.  Kourtney could probably attest to this more than anyone right now.

So, Joshua Thomas.  Help me out here.  I need you to tell/show me where to go and what to do.  I still need you and I'm always going to.

3 comments:

  1. Chrissy,

    My heart breaks for you. I just recently lost my boyfriend in Afghanistan on 8/30/10 as well. I can relate to the mess of emotions you are struggling through. Each day feels surreal. Living life doesn't really feel like you're living at all- it's almost like watching yourself in a fog. Nothing anyone can say will make this time any easier, but please know you are not alone. It's a very lonely feeling trying to grieve someone you had planned a future with, so just know there is someone out there praying for you to find happiness again someday.

    I'm wishing you the peace to walk through your grief and the courage to live your life with pleasure, achievement, and love.

    -From one grieving girl to another.

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  2. Chrissy,

    Condolences from this Vietnam Veteran for your loss; he served his country with honor, I am sure.

    Please accept, and convey to his family, my thanks for his service to our country.

    In times like these, I am wont to say that...

    Be patient child, he waits, in a Happier Place, for you. He is healthy there, and whole...he has all eternity to wait, and then you will be together again.

    My best wishes to you, and I hope you find peace.

    La Migra

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  3. Dear sweet girl,
    Your pain is too new and raw. Don't be hard on yourself and don't buy into anyone telling you to pull it together in a hurry. Your brain is still in shock so your memory issues, your sleep problems, your anger are all perfectly normal. In fact, your reactions are probably the only "normal" part of all of this. The "plan" right now is to let yourself grieve, to get through each day, and when you are feeling a little better, begin to think about what comes next. I understand completely about loss and what it does to our plans. I am alot older than you are and I feel like a lost child still trying to find my way to a new plan. Just know that there are thousands of strangers out here like me, who are moved by your posts, who share your grief, and who will lift you up and pray for strength for you.
    A military mom

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