It's driving me nuts that I don't know where I'm going in life. For the longest time we had a plan.
- Finish deployment
- Finish enlistment
- Get engaged
- Move home
- Finish school/get job
- Get married
- Start a family
- Build a house
- Live happily ever after
Where's my plan in all of this? I'm not seeing the bigger picture here or for what reason this had to happen. I'm the type of person that wants to quickly pick up the pieces and put it all back together. Hell, for the other crisis' in my life I did do that. I just put on my smile and everything was okay.
I can't do that this time. My life is in too many pieces to pick back up right now and in all reality I'm missing half of the puzzle. I know you're always going to be with me, but not the way I want you to be. When it comes down to it I know you won't let me live my life unhappy and miserable. However, it is always going to be in the back of my mind. What we could have had or what we were supposed to have.
I need my plan back. For the past 5 years we had a plan and it was all working out perfectly until 7.5 weeks ago. Why me? Why now? Thanks Mr. All High and Mighty for leading me on all of this time thinking it was going finally going to work. This plan was getting to be set in stone. Things picked out, moving forward, all to come to an abrupt end and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
I didn't choose any of this. Why is it that we don't get a say in our fate? Not fair. The control freak in me wants to fix it and make it better asap. I'm pretty sure I'm OCD when it comes to having a plan in life and they might need to put me in a crazy house soon. Kourtney could probably attest to this more than anyone right now.
So, Joshua Thomas. Help me out here. I need you to tell/show me where to go and what to do. I still need you and I'm always going to.