Saturday, August 13, 2011

Hot Mess

That's me.  I'm on vacation and you want to know what I'm doing?  Laying in my hotel room cuddled with my bear and blanket by myself crying.  That's right.  While my friends are out having fun that's how I'm spending my time.  Love life right?

This whole year thing is throwing me over the edge.  All of the pain and anger is flooding back into my life like a freight train.  I want him back.  I want my life back.  I just wish he would walk in the door and hold me and say it will all be okay.  I miss him so much and it just eats me alive.  It wasn't supposed to be this way.  Life wasn't supposed to get so hard.

I'm so disgusted with everything in my life and I hate it.  Nothing is easy and no matter how hard I try i can't explain how I feel to anyone.  Thing is..  I let someone into my life a few months ago.  Realistically it's easy to let someone be there.  It's nice to have company and to feel like someone cares again.  But.. I'm not ready.  Don't get me wrong.. he's been nothing but good to me.  I'm not ready and it's not what I want.  As bad as it sounds I feel like I have to find out what's out there.  What I want and need again.

No one will ever be Josh.  For now I don't want anything but him.  I'm not ready to let go of what was supposed to be.  I don't want to.  And you know part of me thinks what would want this?  All I have gotten in the past year is a bunch of baggage and got fat.  Yup.  That's quite an accomplishment for almost 365 days.  I wouldn't blame a guy for not thinking twice about looking my way.  Like I said.. disgusted.

I get so frustrated when people don't get where I'm coming from.  No one understands how hard it is to move forward.  To get your life back together.  The past couple months I'll admit having someone around made it different.. like I could ignore what happened for a while.  Truth is.. it's never going away.  I can only hide from it for so long but it haunts me like a shadow. 

I'm like a bi-polar freak.  One day I want to be with someone and all happy go lucky.. the next I'm a hot mess wanting nothing but the past back.  Where the hell is the happy medium?  It all points the same direction and that is the "not ready."

Until I figure it all out I need my space and I need to be me.  Somehow, some way, I have to figure out who I am and what I want.  No matter how much I am hurting this world is not going to stop turning.  At some point I just want to feel better about things.. about life.

For now I'm going to live my own personal sob story.  Maybe I'll walk down to the boardwalk and indulge in some fat comfort food or chill on the beach to get my thoughts together.  At the moment.. my care-bear is the man.  Little bugger hasn't let me down since I was a tot.  Me and my teddy kinda night for this girl.  Just praying to God that somewhere along the line my life gets better..

2 comments:

  1. Dear Chrissy,
    I know you don't know me, I'm a 48-year old woman from the Clymer area and I just knew of you and Josh from knowing the "kids" around town. Josh's death touched me since my stepson and otheres I am close with are in the military. I am so sorry for your situation. It certainly isn't fair and there is no way to find a bright spot in all of this. But you should know that your community does care about you and some of them can understand your pain. I sure can't understand what you must be going through, but I do think that no one should judge you or treat you as if you need to move on. You need to heal on your own time frame and those can not understand are not the ones to be helping you get through this. You are an excellent writer and very brave to share your feelings. You are in my prayers and I hope that someday this will begin to hurt less. In the meantime, cut yourself some slack...you have had your life upended and it will take some time to see where everything lands.

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  2. Remember that part in The Notebook where Noah is with the widow, Martha and it says, 'and in the evenings, to temper the sting of loneliness...'. There is nothing wrong with wanting someone there for you. I would imagine it makes it easier and you are in no way wrong for it. Honestly, I could see myself finding someone to ease the loneliness, it is so normal to want to not be lonely. Don't feel guilty, don't ever ever let anyone put you down or degrade you for your decisions. It would be best, if it were me, to find someone who knows what happens, knows I'm not ready for anything permanent or serious, and knows I just need him there. And you are not disgusting.

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