Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Last Year


This was us.  Moving through this deployment as best as we could checking off the days one by one.  Deployments suck.  Any military spouse will tell you that, but you make the best of this.  It's times like that when your love takes over for you and you realize what you have.  

We were happy.  Our life together was slowly falling into place.  We had already made it through a deployment and we were strong.  I think we were quite a pair.  We complimented each other well and we got so close.  It just fit.  Everything was perfect.. deployment and all.  

We were supposed to be one of the firsts out of our friends to get married.  It had been so long we weren't just Chrissy or just Josh.  It was always the two of us.. together.  That's how people got to know us.  

Sure.. we fought.  A lot.  And you know what 99% of the time I was the one looking for a fight.  It's what we did.. fought with each other.  But it never took long to get over it even though we were both stubborn and looking to get the last word in.  

We cared about each other more than anything else in this whole world and we grew dependent.  We needed each other.  3 years ago we were gearing up for our first deployment.  I had just moved over an hour away to college when he came home on leave.  What did I do?  Drove home every single night and back the next morning to be with him.  3 hours of driving.. every day.  That's just how we were.

Last year.. I would rush home from work every night as you were getting off watch so I could talk to you on skype.  

I'm having a really hard time with the fact that in a few short days I'll be out of "last year we did this.."  They won't be there anymore.  "Last year" will just be a reminder of all the pain.  All of anger and hurt.  The loss.  Flooding back into my life a lot faster than I want it to.

For the past couple months I pushed it away.  Somehow I managed to go into some numb state of mind and ignored it in every way possible.  I got sick of dealing with it.  I never wanted this life.  No one does.. I guess someone has to do it though.  When does it get better?  When do you really start to live life again?  

Over the last 11 months I have found ways to just cope with it.  But not to truly move on.  I haven't moved on at all.  I don't want to let go.  I still want to talk about things I had planned and think that maybe it will all still happened.  Maybe it is just a dream.  It's real life though.  My real life is a lot of girls worst nightmare.

Always so happy.. making everyone smile.  That's who he was.  A lot of times I can think of things and laugh.  At the same time  I just want to cry because I miss it so much.  I feel like for the rest of my life it's going to hurt.  It's never going to go away.  And you know?  It's not fair.  One thing impacts your entire life. 

I want to be happy.  I want to get married and have a family.  But I don't want it with someone else.  Not yet anyways.  It wasn't supposed to be this way.  We were supposed to have our happily ever after together.  I really wish I knew what God's plan was.  I'm not seeing the reason or what has gotten better in my life.  "Everything happens for a reason," is a crock of crap if you ask me.

I was going to plan a benefit for the one year, but I don't have it in me.  What I need is my carebear, my friends, and a strong drink.  That's exactly what I'm going to do, too. 


2 comments:

  1. Chrissy you will move forward from this when you are ready, and somehow, you will know when that time comes. You don't have to push forward just because you're nearing the 'one year' mark. And the things you are doing just to "cope"...those are the best things for you. Healthy or unhealthy, simple or large, those distractions are what is helping you get through day by day. You're not ignoring reality, just enjoying a slightly more upbeat portion of reality for a period of time. Its ok to have bad days, its those days that remind you to keep pushing forward. You are beautiful, intelligent, good-hearted, and much stronger than you know. Keep on keepin' on girl, you're doing more than you'll ever realize!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Chrissy... one of your followers here. I said once that my husband was deployed with Josh, both in Echo. I still pray for you every single night. I really do. I think about you a lot and just hope and pray that soon God will show you what else He has in store for you because I know there has to be something. I just know. You went to homecoming...I was there but I didn't know about you at that point and I wish I had. I have wanted to tell you that I was talking to my husband about you recently... he said he didn't know Josh well, he had talked to him once or twice, but he said Josh was an absolutely amazing Marine. He said he saw him do so many awesome things and as a Sgt. my husband looked up to him. I just wanted to tell you that. I don't know if that might make you feel better, or even worse, but I just wanted to tell you that because I think he was special and you are so very special as well. You deserve good things and I truly think you will have them if you just keep pressing on. Never forget this:
    "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
    He doesn't want you to suffer. You are stronger than you know. Just keep holding on to that strength and I know you will be okay. I will keep you in my prayers always. I am 23 and a teacher- I saw on another post that you are in education too. I would love to be there for you to lend an ear, a helping hand, anything, should you ever want or need that.
    hlpen@hotmail.com

    ReplyDelete