Last Year

 

This was us.  Moving through this deployment as best as we could checking off the days one by one.  Deployments suck.  Any military spouse will tell you that, but you make the best of this.  It's times like that when your love takes over for you and you realize what you have.  

We were happy.  Our life together was slowly falling into place.  We had already made it through a deployment and we were strong.  I think we were quite a pair.  We complimented each other well and we got so close.  It just fit.  Everything was perfect.. deployment and all.  

We were supposed to be one of the firsts out of our friends to get married.  It had been so long we weren't just Chrissy or just Josh.  It was always the two of us.. together.  That's how people got to know us.  

Sure.. we fought.  A lot.  And you know what 99% of the time I was the one looking for a fight.  It's what we did.. fought with each other.  But it never took long to get over it even though we were both stubborn and looking to get the last word in.  

We cared about each other more than anything else in this whole world and we grew dependent.  We needed each other.  3 years ago we were gearing up for our first deployment.  I had just moved over an hour away to college when he came home on leave.  What did I do?  Drove home every single night and back the next morning to be with him.  3 hours of driving.. every day.  That's just how we were.

Last year.. I would rush home from work every night as you were getting off watch so I could talk to you on skype.  

I'm having a really hard time with the fact that in a few short days I'll be out of "last year we did this.."  They won't be there anymore.  "Last year" will just be a reminder of all the pain.  All of anger and hurt.  The loss.  Flooding back into my life a lot faster than I want it to.

For the past couple months I pushed it away.  Somehow I managed to go into some numb state of mind and ignored it in every way possible.  I got sick of dealing with it.  I never wanted this life.  No one does.. I guess someone has to do it though.  When does it get better?  When do you really start to live life again?  

Over the last 11 months I have found ways to just cope with it.  But not to truly move on.  I haven't moved on at all.  I don't want to let go.  I still want to talk about things I had planned and think that maybe it will all still happened.  Maybe it is just a dream.  It's real life though.  My real life is a lot of girls worst nightmare.

Always so happy.. making everyone smile.  That's who he was.  A lot of times I can think of things and laugh.  At the same time  I just want to cry because I miss it so much.  I feel like for the rest of my life it's going to hurt.  It's never going to go away.  And you know?  It's not fair.  One thing impacts your entire life. 

I want to be happy.  I want to get married and have a family.  But I don't want it with someone else.  Not yet anyways.  It wasn't supposed to be this way.  We were supposed to have our happily ever after together.  I really wish I knew what God's plan was.  I'm not seeing the reason or what has gotten better in my life.  "Everything happens for a reason," is a crock of crap if you ask me.

I was going to plan a benefit for the one year, but I don't have it in me.  What I need is my carebear, my friends, and a strong drink.  That's exactly what I'm going to do, too.