Reality Train

Hit awfully hard last night.

I was at work and decided to check my facebook since I was bored.  My news feed had countless statuses up and they were all about one thing - flight windows for homecoming.

Holy knife in the stomach.

You aren't coming home.  It was like another hit and let me tell you it was a big one.  I was around people so all I could do was go into the bathroom and cry.  I had my mind set that I was going to homecoming, but after that I'm not so sure.  I'm pretty sure that was the biggest hit I've taken after the 72 hours that I don't want to remember.

I'm not sure if part of me holds on to the fact that maybe its not real or I just don't want to believe it, I'm not real sure.  I just want to be happy like everyone else and I can't.   Out of the hundreds of guys that deployed, only a handful aren't coming back.  You are one of them.  What kind of crap luck is that?

Not to mention the looming holidays.  I'm not sure how I feel about them either right now.  Regardless you wouldn't have been here, but to not have you at all makes it so much worse.  I find myself with such a longing to be happy these days.  Even if it was just for a little while.

I know this isn't going to get better over night.  However, how much can one person really take?  It's too much.  A lot of times I feel like I just can't do it anymore.  It drains you beyond belief- physically and emotionally.

I'm exhausted.  Tired of living this life.  Continually taking one hit after another.  Why is happiness so much to ask?  Even if I am happy again someday, it won't be the same and it most certainly won't make it any better.  It's not going to change the fact that I lost you.  It's like putting a band-aid over an open wound. 

Does it ever start to get better?  It's been 11 weeks to the day and it feels like an eternity.  I mean, the weeks seem to go by fairly fast, but then I look back on it and it feels like forever.  I just want to be okay.  Just for a few hours. 

I'm not patient- we both know that.  Really though, how long do they expect a person to live like this?  I have so much respect and admiration for the people who walk in these shoes with such grace and dignity.  It takes more strength and courage than most people could ever imagine. 

I will say that I am proud of myself.  Usually I don't do that but these circumstances are different.  I should get an award for getting out of bed in the morning because I have no desire to.  I would much rather stay in there away from the world and sleeping my life away.  That's the one good thing about sleep- you don't hurt when you're asleep.

Moral of today's story-
I got hit by the reality train yet again and homecoming is officially back up in the air.