I have a feeling that my battle with people judging me is going to get a whole lot worse.
Here's my take on everything. Until you walk in my shoes for one day, don't tell me what you think I should do or what you would do in my situation. Believe you me it's nothing like what you "think." Hell, I thought it would be something completely different than what it is. There is no way to even try to imagine what this must be like because it's that terrible that it's unimaginable.
Not to mention a lot of people add me on Facebook and try talking to me just because they are trying to see what I'm doing. I appreciate the support I get- but I know when people are out to get information. I'm not stupid.
I don't need anyone to tell me how they think I should be living my life. I lost my whole entire life. After 5 years with someone they become a part of you. I lost that. I am happy about it? Absolutely not. I hate every single second. But you know what? I don't have any other choice but to live my life. Josh WANTS me to live me life. For as long as I can remember he wanted me to be happy. He NEVER wanted me to be sad. NEVER.
It's not fair for me to live like this forever. I'm 20 years old! Will I move on eventually? Probably. BUT Josh will always be in my life and I will ALWAYS love him. Always. Whoever I may end up with eventually will have to accept that. If they don't, then it won't work. But why in the world should I be alone forever?
Really- I don't want to think about someone else for a long time. However, I don't want to live the rest of my life being miserable. This life is so incredibly draining and lonely. How is that fair? How is it fair that people expect me to live like this forever?
Why should I?
Then I come back to my same point- unless you've walked in my shoes or are another widow, you have no room to judge.
Since I get so many "you're living my worst nightmare" you would think people would cut a little slack. That's a big negative because usually that's the first to come back and judge. Really though? Thanks for reminding me that I'm living just about every military spouses, or even a spouse in general, worst nightmare. I didn't realize that's what I was doing.
My real friends- they are there for me when I need them and they don't tell me how to live my life right now. They know me, they know Josh. They know how much we love each other. They know what we wanted for each other. They know he wants me to be happy.
I am a strong believer that he is going to guide me through this life. He'll make sure I'm happy. He'll make sure there is some one there for me to love me and take care of me. He'll make sure that I'm not miserable forever. He will. I know he will because he loves me enough to make sure of it. I was his first priority and I still am. He WILL NOT let me roll over and die in this lifetime. You better believe I would get struck down by lightning if I even tried.
Say what you want, think what you want. At the end of the day you have no idea what it's like.
I'm at least fortunate enough to have loved someone so much in my life and had that person love me back just as much, if not more. I will have that to hold on to until the day that I die and no one can take that away from me. Because of that, I'm going to get through this life and I'm going to live it for him. Just because we won't have these things together doesn't mean that I can't live and do it all for him. I'm going to be happy again someday and he's going to be holding my hand the entire way.