Monday, November 1, 2010

Don't judge

I have a feeling that my battle with people judging me is going to get a whole lot worse.

Here's my take on everything.  Until you walk in my shoes for one day, don't tell me what you think I should do or what you would do in my situation.  Believe you me it's nothing like what you "think."  Hell, I thought it would be something completely different than what it is.  There is no way to even try to imagine what this must be like because it's that terrible that it's unimaginable.

Not to mention a lot of people add me on Facebook and try talking to me just because they are trying to see what I'm doing.  I appreciate the support I get- but I know when people are out to get information.  I'm not stupid.

I don't need anyone to tell me how they think I should be living my life.  I lost my whole entire life.  After 5 years with someone they become a part of you.  I lost that.  I am happy about it?  Absolutely not.  I hate every single second.  But you know what?  I don't have any other choice but to live my life.  Josh WANTS me to live me life.  For as long as I can remember he wanted me to be happy.  He NEVER wanted me to be sad. NEVER.

It's not fair for me to live like this forever.  I'm 20 years old!  Will I move on eventually?  Probably.  BUT Josh will always be in my life and I will ALWAYS love him.  Always.  Whoever I may end up with eventually will have to accept that.  If they don't, then it won't work.  But why in the world should I be alone forever?

Really- I don't want to think about someone else for a long time.  However, I don't want to live the rest of my life being miserable.  This life is so incredibly draining and lonely.  How is that fair?  How is it fair that people expect me to live like this forever?

Why should I?

Then I come back to my same point- unless you've walked in my shoes or are another widow, you have no room to judge. 

Since I get so many "you're living my worst nightmare" you would think people would cut a little slack.  That's a big negative because usually that's the first to come back and judge.  Really though?  Thanks for reminding me that I'm living just about every military spouses, or even a spouse in general, worst nightmare.  I didn't realize that's what I was doing.

My real friends- they are there for me when I need them and they don't tell me how to live my life right now.  They know me, they know Josh.  They know how much we love each other.  They know what we wanted for each other.  They know he wants me to be happy.

I am a strong believer that he is going to guide me through this life.  He'll make sure I'm happy.  He'll make sure there is some one there for me to love me and take care of me.  He'll make sure that I'm not miserable forever.  He will.  I know he will because he loves me enough to make sure of it.  I was his first priority and I still am.  He WILL NOT let me roll over and die in this lifetime.  You better believe I would get struck down by lightning if I even tried. 

Say what you want, think what you want.  At the end of the day you have no idea what it's like.

I'm at least fortunate enough to have loved someone so much in my life and had that person love me back just as much, if not more.  I will have that to hold on to until the day that I die and no one can take that away from me.  Because of that, I'm going to get through this life and I'm going to live it for him. Just because we won't have these things together doesn't mean that I can't live and do it all for him.  I'm going to be happy again someday and he's going to be holding my hand the entire way.

7 comments:

  1. Good for you!!!! I'll have to post mine now! lol People are unreal. Hopefully this will shut them up! LOVE YOU!

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  2. Do you Chrissy!. We are not close but seroiusly people can not expect you to sit alone and be sad all of the time..
    I have no idea what you are going through, but I do understand the aspect of you have to live your life...
    I can imagine how hard it is for you and people need to realize that just because you let yourself have some fun, and try to keep your life moving it doesnt mean that you have forgotten, it just means that your coping.
    Keep your chin up girl!

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  3. Seriously no one should judge anyone and no one should just set there and let there lives flash before there eyes.Your still here on earth you need to keep going for you and for josh and like you said josh will have your hand the whole entire way!!! I dont know who is judging you and I dont think it is right!! I will kick some ass for you if you need me to!! You deserve to be happy you deserve the best Josh wants that for you and you need that for your self!! noone expects you to be single the rest of your life and if they do then there just fked in the head,seriously !!! no matter what you will share your love that you have/had for josh and he will always be apart of you and down the road when someone special walks into your life if they dont want to hear about josh or they just dont get why he is such a big part of your life then he is not the one for you.. Your the best person I think I have ever meant in my life Chrissy!!
    you deserve to be happy always
    Thinking about you always
    sending big hugs your way !!!

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  4. :) that's awesome...and your completely correct on the situation. not anybody else's business wat u do to start with so stay postive ;)

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  5. I can so see Josh cheering you on while you're writing this. Like, "That's it, baby! You tell 'em!"

    My only advice is to do what you need to do. And now my house and ear are always welcome to you if you come down here! ♥

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  6. Chrissy, its the truth that everyone is looking for gossip and some drama to talk about... Its a damn shame that you of all people should be a target especially considering everything you've already been through. When people say things to tear you down or make you look bad, its about the lowest thing that they can do. OBVIOUSLY youre devastated over your loss, but I agree that you have a right to smile and laugh despite of your sadness. Just know that for every negative person out there, there are 10+ who are behind you supporting and praying for you. What goes around will come around to those who choose to be nasty. :) Try to focus on the positive!! <3

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  7. Amen sister. I remember warning you about this when we first started talking. People are effing idiots. And don't you love the "you're living my worst nightmares"?? REALLY? That's your worst nightmare? Oh guess what, it's mine too, except, oh wait... it's real. Haha. A widster friend and I have a joke about the whole "worst nightmare" thing, I'll have to tell you about it next time we chat.

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