Thursday

I don't know what it is with that freaking day of the week.  Ever since Thursday, September 2nd, it's my bad day of the week.  Really I can get through pretty well until Thursday. 

I don't know if I'm at the point now where I project it to be a bad day or what.  It's been 9 weeks and I don't know about you, but it feels like forever.  As each week passes by it weighs heavier on my mind.  Without our plan I feel like I'm lacking a purpose in life.

I know this isn't going to get better over night.  I'm just really impatient and I want the hurt and the pain to just go away already.  Dealing with this on a daily basis is emotionally and physically draining.  Lately I just find myself completely exhausted.  It really makes me wonder how I'm going to keep doing this.

People say "it gets better with time."  I can't even count the amount of times I hear that in a day.  I know it does, but it's going to be such a long time.  Honestly at this point I could very well still be in the shock/denial phase. 

The unknown of the future is increasingly taking a toll on my everyday life.  I still think of all of our plans and it is eventually going to eat me up inside.  Time goes on, I'll continue on in this life, but it's never going away.  Never.

Until the day that I die I'm going to remember this.  I'm going to wonder what could have been.  I'm going to ask why.  I'm going to be angry.  I'm going to cry.  I'm going to hurt.  I'm going to have that pain.  I'm going to miss you.

I'm going to live with all of the for the rest of my life.  It makes me so mad.  How is that fair?

Really though, what really breaks my heart is what you aren't going to get.  You won't get married, you won't have a family, you won't have the life you dreamed of.  It all got taken away from you before you had a chance to live it.  That's not fair. 

I'm never going to understand why God took you away.  Someone who had so much promise and a life to live.  A life with me.  I don't care if this is part of a bigger plan because I'm going to be angry about it for the rest of my life.  No matter what amazing thing may come out of this, I have to go on without you in my life. 

Another bad Thursday, another day without you. 

I'm tired of living this life.