Monday, November 29, 2010

Holiday One

It was terrible.  I knew it wouldn't be "normal," but it was harder than I thought it would be.  I had no desire to talk to anyone or anything that whole day.  Even the days prior to are hard.  I did a lot of crying and sleeping.  LOTS of retail therapy.  I know, you were probably throwing a fit the entire time but it made me feel better.

The thing is everyone wants to try to make it better.  Insisting you be around a ton of people and forcing a smile on your face.  I deal with it better when I'm alone.  All that ever happens when people poke at me is I get angry/upset and it makes the whole situation worse.  Not to mention it was thanksgiving.  What am I thankful for?  I know that I have things that I should have been thankful for, but I really didn't want to be.  Why should I?  It's almost like I'm expected to be thankful for a lot of things while my whole life is still a complete mess. I haven't picked up all my pieces and put them back together. 

Last Thanksgiving you were here with me.  I was so excited that week because I hate staying alone and I got you to myself for the most part.  I was thankful then for you and the direction my life was headed.  We fought that same weekend.  I wish now that we wouldn't have.  99% of the time I was the one instigating it, but I couldn't help it.  Sometimes I just wanted to fight with you and we never stayed mad at each other.   It was always something stupid and lasted just a few hours.  At the end of the day we still loved each other regardless.

It was hard.  Everyday is hard.   I don't even want to think about Christmas right now.  My favorite holiday of the whole year and I just want to skip over it.  One thing is for sure- I need to go away at one point or another over break.  I can't stay here anymore.  Being home with nothing but an urn and memories just kills me.  Last night I'm not real sure what happened, but it set me off into a long two hours of tears.  I should be happy right now.  We'd be 4.5 months done with this deployment, and with the holidays the last 2ish months would have flown by.  Everyone else is excited, who isn't they are 65% done, but not me.  I'm just a whole lifetime away from seeing you again. 

If there has been one good thing the past few days, it's getting messages from the guys still in Afghanistan.  They are starting to get their boxes and I've gotten a couple thank yous.  It makes me happy, like I'm still doing something that matters.  I've lost a sense of that since you've been gone and it helps to feel that at least for a little while.  I hoped they would appreciate it and it's nice knowing that they really do.   I also adopted a hero this past week.  I got mine in an email and it's a 1st Sergeant from 3/5.  I figure I'll get more boxes out to your friends as well as this new guy.  It's important to me to support them.  Not to mention it keeps me overly busy and I missed doing it.  It's crazy how you find a whole new appreciation and importance for things that you previously took for granted.

On to the next holiday without you.  Another first that I don't want to do and more days without you here.  There should be an easy button for this.

2 comments:

  1. Not for the same reason at all, but I've had my favorite holiday ruined in the past. I'm sorry you're going through this. Don't forget to do what YOU need to do, not what everyone thinks or wants you to do!
    Haha is me giving that advice contracting?

    Either way, I love ya. If you need to get away and don't mind being in JVegas, just let me know, I'm always here for you! ♥

    ReplyDelete
  2. chrissy I lost my son in march of this year. these are also our "first" holidays without him. We thought they were going to be the best holidays and really looked forward to them last year but however we are in the same boat as you are. Although for different reasons, You need to do what you want if that is laying in bed all day then do it my dear!! Everyone has their way of dealing with things and if ppl don't like it then that is just to bad!!!! God bless you!!!

    ReplyDelete