One Step Forward, Ten Steps back

Story of my life.  Any time I ever think that I can start to move forward in life I am quickly reminded that I'm not ready too. 

I'm so anxious for my life to be back in order.  For everything to be okay.  To be happy again.  Who doesn't want that?  Everyone does, but when something like this happens it's often hard to find.  Yesterday was another one of those days.  A day when I thought I could slide by it all.  Oh, no.  I was so very wrong.

All it did was make me angry.  Hurt all over again.  I HATE that this is where my life is right now and that I still have to fix it.  Reality is that I don't want to fix it.  What I want is for it to go back to the way it was.  i don't like where I am and what I have to do.  Not one little bit.  

Congratulations, Chrissy.  Way to throw yourself into one hell of a funk.  I'm just so done with this and days like today i don't want to do it anymore.  I want to go back to my bed and sleep forever.  You can't hurt when you're asleep.

This could very well sound terrible of me... but seeing everyone else living their happy post-deployment lives is like a knife in my stomach.  Why isn't that us?  Why don't we get to do all of the things that was planned too? 

It'll be a year since I've seen you on July 15th.  That feels like forever ago.  When everyone was prepping for this deployment.  Wanting to get it over with so we could all happily move on with our lives.  We might have been slightly naive at the time or rather neglecting the fact that we knew people wouldn't be coming home. 

I never wanted it to be me.  I still don't want it to be me.  I still wish sometimes that this is all just some mistake and that things will go back to the way they were.  Honestly, if the world did end Saturday, I probably wouldn't have been that mad about it.

You can only put a band-aid over the wound so many times.  It doesn't always work and now is one of those times.  I don't know what I'm doing these days, but I really need to get it together.  I'm a mess and it's awful.  I really don't even know how to fix it right now.  I don't even know where to start. 

Part of me thinks I just need to back away from everything and get some me time.  There is too much going on and I can't handle it.  This past week has been one for the books.  It's been while since I've cried this much and I really didn't miss it.

For now I just want to be a big baby about it.  I feel entitled to that.  I'll get back on my happy horse eventually and my front will be back in full swing.  Just not now.

I did it.

I started writing our story.  Things have been kinda crappy lately and it's therapeutic for me.  I started back at day one.. the summer we met.  It's crazy to think that summer was six whole years ago.  Where has the time gone?  I will never forget that summer.  So much happened and it was so much fun.  Having the chance to tell our story, whether it goes out into the world or not, makes me feel better knowing that I at least tried.

I've said it time and time again that I want people to know.  It's like a new found mission in life.  And that is one thing I DO know.  I like knowing that so I don't feel totally lost.  Sometimes the writing is painful, but other days it makes me happy.  To remember how good we had it and what that kind of love felt like. 

It's probably going to take a long time.  Depending on how I feel and what I remember.  I need to do it though.  Do it for myself.  Who knows, maybe it could help someone else.  Maybe I'll be the next Nicholas Sparks :p

Just Keep Swimming...

Well hello there downs.. I never miss you.

As usual my lows are back in action.  It's so tempting to fall back into that slump.  The go to school, go to work, and go to bed.  Sometimes I think it was easier that way to just avoid the world.  I don't know.  Every once in a while it seems as though the things going on in my life just keep getting more and more complicated by the minute.  I hate it.

There are times when I can't, or won't, let myself be happy.  The guilt will just eat you alive.  The why am I still here?  How can I be happy when something so terrible happened in my life?  When something goes wrong I instantly take 10 steps back.  "If Josh was still here this wouldn't be happening to me."  That. Kills. Me.  Wanting my old life back so bad that it physically hurts.

Sometimes, I don't want to fight anymore.  I just want to give up.  I hate not knowing who I am or what I want in life.  People will ask me something and I say "I don't know" a million times and they think I'm crazy.  The OCD planner over here HATES not knowing, but there isn't a thing I can do about it.

I don't know who I am.


I don't know what I want.


I don't know what is going to happen.


I don't know what the plan is.


I don't know.. I don't know.. I don't know.

Get the point?

This life is draining and it's days like yesterday and today when I'm just flat out sick of it.  Hating every second of what has happened to me.  It's not fair.  I wouldn't want other people to go through this, but there are most definitely days when I do wish it was someone else.  What I did to deserve this is beyond me. 

What I do know is I have two choices:
1. Stop Living
2. Fight it

I know what I have to do.. I just don't always want to.  For now I feel like being a big baby about it and I don't even care.  I feel like I'm entitled to act like that every once in a while.  I need to get away.  I'm in dire need of some Chrissy time so I can get my shit together.  I have way too much going on and I really need to take a step back.  I may be too far in for that.  Regardless I need to put a lot more focus on me or this is going to keep happening.

Time machine anyone...?

I need to get it together asap.  Good description right now: hot mess.  Seriously.  It's ridiculous.  I'm really thinking this trip to Vegas is going to be good for me.  I need out of this town and away from everything that has happened.  Maybe it'll help.  If it doesn't I'm going to be pissed.

Dory's motivational words: Just keep swimming. 

I'll be okay.  I just need to get myself back on track.

Contradicting Opinions

If there is one thing that drives me absolutely insane about living this life is sometimes I feel like I'm in a constant lose:lose situation.  It's irritating.  No matter what you do someone "thinks" they know something better and criticizes you for it.  Test it out dudes.  See how you like it.

I really hate that I can't even talk to anyone of the opposite sex without people doing a double take or instantly starting a rumor.  Why is that necessary?  I really have yet to understand why people can't just worry about themselves.  If they had any idea how hard this was I bet they would think twice before saying anything again.  I don't know what people expect me to do.  Shrivel up in a ball forever?  Yeah.  That's realistic.

BUT I'm not ready to move on yet.  I don't WANT to move on yet.  I'm not going to sit around and tell people if I want a relationship in the future because, well, I don't know if I do yet.  It's so easy to fall into a trap when someone wants to be there for you.  However, I know I'm not ready.   I can't let myself be with someone else, nor do I want to be.  I can't even sit there and say if there is a possibility in the future. 

When I think about it, Josh is still "my boyfriend."  I guess technically he's not anymore, but I don't really see it that way yet.  I know that I am in the "single" category.  I don't always act like it.  I'm not ready to let go yet and I probably won't be for a while.  A lot of people think it's like breaking up.  It's not.  There is sooooo  much more to it than that.  If I ever do decide I want to be with someone again they have to understand that.  Once you get your "widow" tag, things will never be the same.  You carry this extra baggage and until you find someone who understands and accepts it, it will never work.  Good grief I almost feel like I've been tagged "special" or something.

So why is it that people expect me to say what's going to happen right this second?  News flash: It's not gonna happen.  I can't do any of that until I put my life back together.  For now, I need to focus on me.  Just Chrissy.  And until Chrissy figures out who she is again, she won't be with anyone else.  End of story.

I just wish people would let me be.  To make an attempt to understand where I'm coming from and what I'm going through.  Maybe people should take more time to think about that instead of giving their expert opinions or making sly comments that I always hear. 

It's less than two weeks until I go to Las Vegas and I couldn't be happier to get away.  I think I need this trip to just have fun and not worry about everything else.  I actually want to enjoy my birthday; at least make a solid attempt to.

I wish people understood how hard this was and how much I am trying to put my life back together.  I think about it every single day.  It doesn't go away.  I still long to have my old life back and then the never ending feeling of a knife in your stomach when you tell yourself for the millionth time that it isn't coming back.  All the tears and heartache doesn't disappear overnight.  People may think I'm okay because I put on a good front and I've come along way.  I can assure you it's still very real and very painful.

Every Tom, Dick, or Harry thinking that they know whats best needs to think about that.  Don't push me.. Just let me be.  I'll figure this all out on my own time.  This is about me.  And for once I plan on sticking to that.

Congressional Record

Hello blogging world :)

I apologize for my absence.  I just finished up the semester last Friday and I started summer school on Monday.  I have a class 4 hours a day until next Friday on top of 2 jobs.  I'm going to be in dire need of a vacation when this is all over.. talk about exhaustion. 

Anyways.

Last week I got a package in the mail from the parents of a 2/9 Marine.  Enclosed were several letters and I'll share them here..



Letter 1:

Dear Chrissy,

As you know I was an early supporter doing what I could.  Not because I felt sorry for you, but because I felt sorrow for you.

You know about all of that:

What I did from  here you didn't know and that is why I am writing to you now.

I watched as you moved.  I watched, I wrote and I did some research, puled some newspaper articles together, and wrote some more.

I eventually wrote to the First Lady telling her about you.  Telling the First Lady that you lost the love of your life.  That you didn't blame the administration, but took it upon yourself to start a fundraiser to raise money to help ship packages to Afghanistan to support Joshua's brothers.  I wrote suggesting she single you out for a Presidential level Citizenship Award.  I stated that you were what ALL AMERICAN CITIZENS should be made of.  That you were the perfect role model.

When I didn't hear anything back I called your local State Senator's office and spoke with a fantastic woman: Sandi Gillette.  Sandi was awesome and immediately took a liking to both you and I. 

Also attached is a letter that Senator Don White (PA) send US Representative Critz in Washington looking for support in Washington to get the First Lady to act on my initial letter and the letter I wrote to the First Lady.

We never did hear from the first Lady, but Representative Critz did act on my letters.

In any case, the attachment, marked OPEN LAST, can be opened now.  Please be careful as I did a lousy job packing it. 

After you read the letter in the next envelope, please understand how much I respect you and how all I wanted to do was to honor you for the outstanding citizenship you exhibited.  I never expect what occurred.  I assumed you'd get a medal of some sort.  Anyway, you're an amazing person Chrissy.  I am sorry for you loss.

Take care,
LS

Letter 2:

Dear Mrs. Obama,

I am writing to you today to tell you about a remarkable young woman.  A 20 year old woman who lost the love of her life in the war we are fighting in Afghanistan.

Chrissy is the most amazing person I've ever met.  Oh, wait a minute, I've never met Chrissy.  We became Facebook friends as our men deployed to Afghanistan.  My man is my son her man was LCpl Joshua Twigg.  Both served in the United States Marine Corps 2nd Battalion, 9th Marines and were slated to be deployed until February.  Joshua Twigg was killed in action on September 2, 2010.  My son is still serving our great nation.  Please Lord keep him safe.

Since September 2nd, Chrissy has been very vocal in the news.  NOT reaching out against the war, not speaking ill of our policies, just stating how terribly sad she was.  How empty her life was and how she needed to do something.  Something to help those fighting.  Something to help with the cause the man she loved gave his all in support of.

Well my friend Chrissy did something.  Boy did she do something!  She started a box drive and successfully raised funds and donations to ship close to 300 boxes to Afghanistan.  Additionally, this Veterans day she was the keynote speaker.  The speech is on the internet.  It's a tear-jerker.

I am writing to you today because I feel that Chrissy is worthy of a "Presidential" award.  Please review the two attachments I've enclosed and then pour yourself a cup of coffee or tea, whichever you prefer, grab a box of tissues and Google "Chrissy Young Twigg" that string will bring up some of the most tearful stories you'll ever read.  That string will show you what Chrissy is made of.

Stories of what being an American SHOULD be about.

Chrissy didn't sit back and complain about the war. 

Chrissy didn't sit back and blame the adminstration.

Chrissy didn't sit back and blame anyone.

Chrissy stood tall.

Chrissy looked for a way to make a difference and Chrissy executed with precision, a very successful drive to raise money and products to ship much needed supplies to out Marines ( I almost said soldiers, but you can't a Marine a soldier....)

I wish I lived closer so I could have embraced Chrissy each step of her way.  I wrote to her often and each email I sent was responded to quickly and each check I wrote was also acknowledged swiftly.

I really could go on for hours, but I won't.  I've seen your work.  I've seen how good a person you are.  I only hope that this letter will find its way to you and that you find a way to recognize Chrissy.  It won't bring Joshua back, but it may help Chrissy.  It may help her continue her cause.

Having a family member in Afghanistan is not easy.  There is many a night I don't sleep-- I can not even think about how devastating the loss of a child, or loved one would be.

I hope you can find some way to reach out to Chrissy and let her know how proud America is of her actions.  How people should learn from her actions.

Thank you for reading and considering my letter.

Sincerely,
LS

Letter 3:

Dear Mark:

Enclosed please find a copy of a letter written by L and C to Michelle Obama seeking recognition on behalf of a constituent in our district, Chrissy Young.  Review of the letter explains how special of a young woman Chrissy is and details of her dedication to a project aiding our servicemen.

I am also enclosing a copy of the letter Ms. Young used in solicitation of donors for her project and tells the story of her long time boyfriend, Lance Cpl. Joshua Twigg, who lost his life in combat.

I would personally appreciate your review of the enclosed  material and determine if a letter of recognition or some honorable mention could be issued to Chrissy for her outstanding support of our service members.  While it is evident her actions were not for recognition, I feel it is warranted.  I am unaware if the S letter resulted in any action from the White House directly to Chrissy.

Please contact Sandi of my staff if we can offer you any additional information with this request or if you are able to offer another approach.

Best Regards,
Don White
41st Senatorial District

All which lead to this:

 

I'm proud of it.  It makes me happy that people noticed and reached out.  Slightly disappointing the White House never responded.  It's okay though.  My goal all along was for people to know us and our story and now they do.  I'm not done by any means.  However, it's a great start and a moral booster.  It always helps to know that what you did really mattered and people take note of that.  I appreciate everything LS did and I could not thank them enough for this.

I'll be back to write more later, but for now I'm off to my 4 hours of class for the day.  Oh, by the way Joshua,  guess who got another 4.0 this semester?  This girl :)

The Newest Debate

So, I was never really done with my post the other night.  However, I was getting way too emotional and I wasn't putting myself through anymore that night.  Not to mention it was another "2" and I wasn't about to throw myself into a whirlwind. 

Anyways, I hear the newest debate in the White House is whether or not to release pictures of Osama after he was shot.  Now.  He is what really pisses me off.  The Associated Press, and the Government, didn't hesitate to post pictures of our dead.  Remember that?  You know the picture and article I saw of my lifeless boyfriend being carried onto a medivac.  Or the pictures of another Marine who was clearly not going to make it. 

You couldn't see your faces.  But I could have told you that was Josh from a mile away and really not seeing their face didn't make it any better.  So whats so special about Osama?  Why the hesitation?  It just angers me that they had to use pictures of our war dead to make a freakin point and then they hesitate to post a picture of that piece of shit.  Really?!

I, personally, would like to see it.  Kind of a confirmation thing that he's really gone and got what he deserved.  You know, it's not even that I'm happy he's dead.  So much revolves around death anymore and what good does it do?  It's the fact that he can't hurt anybody else that is comforting. 

I don't know.  How I feel about all of this is just weird.  I was 11 years old in a sixth grade math class when the twin towers were struck on September 11, 2001.  I had no idea where this war was going to take me and everything that would happen in the past 10 years. 

One thing people need to realize is the war isn't over.  The troops can't just come home because one of them is dead.  I'm sure there are thousands of idiots that are part of the Taliban willing to take his place.  This isn't over.  And minor pet peeve: I like how everyone is suddenly extremely patriotic for the week and by next Sunday they will forget about it again.  Annoying.  But I'll write more about that later..

Was it worth it?

As you probably all know by now.. Osama is dead.

For some reason it brought back a lot of pain back into my life.  Like a quick wave of hurt took over me before I had time to really think about it.  At first, I didn't know how to feel.  "Osama is dead."  People have been waiting for ten whole years to say that.  It's a long time and it seems like this war has been going on forever.  They finally got him.  Good for our troops.  Don't f with us because we always win.  If anything, I am proud that Josh was a complete bad ass like the rest of the Marines and after all of that work they finally got what they were there for. 

With the being said.. I still don't feel any better about it.  Not one bit.  Now it's just that question of was it really worth it?  Was his life worth it?  Were the other 1,565 lives worth it?  I know that anyone who is going through this with me is probably thinking the same thing.  I hope the bastard burns in hell, but at the end of the day that isn't going to bring Josh back.  It's not going to bring back the other 1,565 lives back.

It just hurts.  It makes me miss him.  It makes me proud.  You know, the usual whack emotional story of my life.  I really just don't know how to feel.  Honestly.. I didn't really process at first.  When I actually thought about it: I cried.  My whole life was turned upside down for this outburst of joy by the rest of the country.  Part of me has to wonder if people are remembering the huge price that we paid for this. 

It's one of those debts that you could never repay them for.  I am, and always will, be thankful for the armed services.  They have and continue to protect us from so many things.  Willingly standing up for this country no matter what the price; and so many of them give up their life.  Not many are willing to do that anymore..

My life is still in pieces.  A whole bunch of little ones.  Now that Osama is dead is anyone going to pick them up? Nope.  Call me a downer, but is anything really going to change?  I don't know that it is.  All I feel now is more hurt.  I know that he is responsible for everything and he did deserve to die; I just can't be happy about it right now.  I'm sure I will be at some point, but not now. 

I mean it is a good thing that he's dead.. obviously.  I'm just bitter.  And just because he's dead the rest of the Taliban won't just fall over and play dead.  Those people are freakin crazy.  I told Josh that a million and one times how I never trusted them and he always promised it would be okay.   Look what happened.

You know a couple weeks ago, when my phone lost everything, I had to use an old one.  I read a text message from a couple years ago.. he promised me that no towel head was going to take him out because he was too good for that.  He was too good for them.  He's too good for Osama.  They never should have had the chance to kill any of those men.. complete pieces of shit and I hate them all.

I know hate is a strong word and you shouldn't use it, but I hate them.  They took him from me and ruined my life.  Sure, it'll get better.  However, that doesn't make me feel any better about the present.  Those bastards managed to take the best.  It's not fair.  It's not fair that the stupid piece of crap got away with all of this for so long.  I hope he has a completely miserable time in hell.  He doesn't deserve jack shit.  We have the best fighting force in the world and it still took 10 years to get him.  How does God let that happen?!

If I find any comfort.. I hope those guys are getting their revenge.  Far too many lives were taken way too soon because of this man.  There are way too many families hurting and fixing their lives because this man started it all. 

Oh, and just to pipe in for a second.  Mr. President: you did NOT sign all of the letters to the families of the fallen.  I will whip that letter out of my room right this second and I guarantee you it's a flipping stamp.  Don't try to fool me just because they put you in charge.  And don't take credit for all of this.  I don't see your happy ass out risking your life.

Anyways.

Bittersweet.  Good description of all of this.  I've gotten a lot of messages tonight and it's comforting to know that there are people who still remember.  I just wish it brought him back or something.  I'm sure Josh is looking down smiling and making some sort of comment that I would probably smack him for.  If I could even see what was going to change it might make it a little better.  I know that it's never going to fill the void.  It's never going to fix the pain.  No matter who dies or how many years pass that's never going to go away. 

For now it's another painful reminder of how much I want my life back.  As the story goes, I can't have it..