Well hello there downs.. I never miss you.
As usual my lows are back in action. It's so tempting to fall back into that slump. The go to school, go to work, and go to bed. Sometimes I think it was easier that way to just avoid the world. I don't know. Every once in a while it seems as though the things going on in my life just keep getting more and more complicated by the minute. I hate it.
There are times when I can't, or won't, let myself be happy. The guilt will just eat you alive. The why am I still here? How can I be happy when something so terrible happened in my life? When something goes wrong I instantly take 10 steps back. "If Josh was still here this wouldn't be happening to me." That. Kills. Me. Wanting my old life back so bad that it physically hurts.
Sometimes, I don't want to fight anymore. I just want to give up. I hate not knowing who I am or what I want in life. People will ask me something and I say "I don't know" a million times and they think I'm crazy. The OCD planner over here HATES not knowing, but there isn't a thing I can do about it.
I don't know who I am.
I don't know what I want.
I don't know what is going to happen.
I don't know what the plan is.
I don't know.. I don't know.. I don't know.
Get the point?
This life is draining and it's days like yesterday and today when I'm just flat out sick of it. Hating every second of what has happened to me. It's not fair. I wouldn't want other people to go through this, but there are most definitely days when I do wish it was someone else. What I did to deserve this is beyond me.
What I do know is I have two choices:
1. Stop Living
2. Fight it
I know what I have to do.. I just don't always want to. For now I feel like being a big baby about it and I don't even care. I feel like I'm entitled to act like that every once in a while. I need to get away. I'm in dire need of some Chrissy time so I can get my shit together. I have way too much going on and I really need to take a step back. I may be too far in for that. Regardless I need to put a lot more focus on me or this is going to keep happening.
Time machine anyone...?
I need to get it together asap. Good description right now: hot mess. Seriously. It's ridiculous. I'm really thinking this trip to Vegas is going to be good for me. I need out of this town and away from everything that has happened. Maybe it'll help. If it doesn't I'm going to be pissed.
Dory's motivational words: Just keep swimming.
I'll be okay. I just need to get myself back on track.