As usual my lows are back in action. It's so tempting to fall back into that slump. The go to school, go to work, and go to bed. Sometimes I think it was easier that way to just avoid the world. I don't know. Every once in a while it seems as though the things going on in my life just keep getting more and more complicated by the minute. I hate it.
There are times when I can't, or won't, let myself be happy. The guilt will just eat you alive. The why am I still here? How can I be happy when something so terrible happened in my life? When something goes wrong I instantly take 10 steps back. "If Josh was still here this wouldn't be happening to me." That. Kills. Me. Wanting my old life back so bad that it physically hurts.
Sometimes, I don't want to fight anymore. I just want to give up. I hate not knowing who I am or what I want in life. People will ask me something and I say "I don't know" a million times and they think I'm crazy. The OCD planner over here HATES not knowing, but there isn't a thing I can do about it.
I don't know who I am.
I don't know what I want.
I don't know what is going to happen.
I don't know what the plan is.
I don't know.. I don't know.. I don't know.
Get the point?
This life is draining and it's days like yesterday and today when I'm just flat out sick of it. Hating every second of what has happened to me. It's not fair. I wouldn't want other people to go through this, but there are most definitely days when I do wish it was someone else. What I did to deserve this is beyond me.
What I do know is I have two choices:
1. Stop Living
2. Fight it
I know what I have to do.. I just don't always want to. For now I feel like being a big baby about it and I don't even care. I feel like I'm entitled to act like that every once in a while. I need to get away. I'm in dire need of some Chrissy time so I can get my shit together. I have way too much going on and I really need to take a step back. I may be too far in for that. Regardless I need to put a lot more focus on me or this is going to keep happening.
Time machine anyone...?
I need to get it together asap. Good description right now: hot mess. Seriously. It's ridiculous. I'm really thinking this trip to Vegas is going to be good for me. I need out of this town and away from everything that has happened. Maybe it'll help. If it doesn't I'm going to be pissed.
Dory's motivational words: Just keep swimming.
I'll be okay. I just need to get myself back on track.
I don't even know you, but come visit me in NY!
ReplyDelete"I don't know who I am..."
ReplyDeleteYou are an inspiration!
You are the girl putting it into perspective for everyone else!
You are the girl making us all rethink what our lives are, what we are doing, what we are taking for granted and how to fix it.
Unfortunately, I was the girl who knew we had military going overseas to fight for our freedom, but I really didn’t “know.” That is,UNTIL your story.
You are continuing to let America know…
…Just what these boys are risking.
…What we are taking for granted.
…What we have lost.
…Who they are leaving behind.
Talk about “Stand by your man!” He is so proud of you girl. You’re what every man dreams of finding…and he got CHRISSY YOUNG in the short time he had on this earth! That is an accomplishment. And even though he wants you to be happy…it’s going to take a while for you. Took you 5 years to love this strong…God only knows how long it will take you to be “ok” with letting go a little. YOU ARE GRIEVING with every ounce of your body and you are entitled. You are Strong! You are Fierce! You are Fighting! You are NOT a “hot mess.” YOU ARE SURVIVING!
When you feel like you have reached the end of your rope, that's when you tie a knot & hang on!! Sending positive thoughts your way Chrissy!
ReplyDeleteI believe that I have found myself saying those exact words as of late. Granted my reason is very different. Finding out you have a tumor is definitely not the same as your situation, but very life changing all the same. I have those same moments where I just want to go back in time, forget its ever happened. And I have days where I live in total denial, and other days when I feel like I finally have enough strength to fight. I used to sing that song to myself when I didn't have the strength to do anymore, and basically your on the right track. Just keep swimming. You can get through this. Your a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for and you have a lot of people praying for you. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel stronger or to ease your pain, but you already got it. Just keep swimming.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to share something that I have learned through my experience of becoming a young war widow. I'm sure you already know this, but sometimes I need someone to remind me. Emotions don't cancel eachother out. 10 happy moments and 10 sad moments do not bring us back to neutral. Happy and sad are not exclusive, we often experience both at the same time. So, if you're laughing for a few minutes, or have a good couple of days, don't feel guilty. We all know you're still sad.
ReplyDelete