Monday, May 2, 2011

Was it worth it?

As you probably all know by now.. Osama is dead.

For some reason it brought back a lot of pain back into my life.  Like a quick wave of hurt took over me before I had time to really think about it.  At first, I didn't know how to feel.  "Osama is dead."  People have been waiting for ten whole years to say that.  It's a long time and it seems like this war has been going on forever.  They finally got him.  Good for our troops.  Don't f with us because we always win.  If anything, I am proud that Josh was a complete bad ass like the rest of the Marines and after all of that work they finally got what they were there for. 

With the being said.. I still don't feel any better about it.  Not one bit.  Now it's just that question of was it really worth it?  Was his life worth it?  Were the other 1,565 lives worth it?  I know that anyone who is going through this with me is probably thinking the same thing.  I hope the bastard burns in hell, but at the end of the day that isn't going to bring Josh back.  It's not going to bring back the other 1,565 lives back.

It just hurts.  It makes me miss him.  It makes me proud.  You know, the usual whack emotional story of my life.  I really just don't know how to feel.  Honestly.. I didn't really process at first.  When I actually thought about it: I cried.  My whole life was turned upside down for this outburst of joy by the rest of the country.  Part of me has to wonder if people are remembering the huge price that we paid for this. 

It's one of those debts that you could never repay them for.  I am, and always will, be thankful for the armed services.  They have and continue to protect us from so many things.  Willingly standing up for this country no matter what the price; and so many of them give up their life.  Not many are willing to do that anymore..

My life is still in pieces.  A whole bunch of little ones.  Now that Osama is dead is anyone going to pick them up? Nope.  Call me a downer, but is anything really going to change?  I don't know that it is.  All I feel now is more hurt.  I know that he is responsible for everything and he did deserve to die; I just can't be happy about it right now.  I'm sure I will be at some point, but not now. 

I mean it is a good thing that he's dead.. obviously.  I'm just bitter.  And just because he's dead the rest of the Taliban won't just fall over and play dead.  Those people are freakin crazy.  I told Josh that a million and one times how I never trusted them and he always promised it would be okay.   Look what happened.

You know a couple weeks ago, when my phone lost everything, I had to use an old one.  I read a text message from a couple years ago.. he promised me that no towel head was going to take him out because he was too good for that.  He was too good for them.  He's too good for Osama.  They never should have had the chance to kill any of those men.. complete pieces of shit and I hate them all.

I know hate is a strong word and you shouldn't use it, but I hate them.  They took him from me and ruined my life.  Sure, it'll get better.  However, that doesn't make me feel any better about the present.  Those bastards managed to take the best.  It's not fair.  It's not fair that the stupid piece of crap got away with all of this for so long.  I hope he has a completely miserable time in hell.  He doesn't deserve jack shit.  We have the best fighting force in the world and it still took 10 years to get him.  How does God let that happen?!

If I find any comfort.. I hope those guys are getting their revenge.  Far too many lives were taken way too soon because of this man.  There are way too many families hurting and fixing their lives because this man started it all. 

Oh, and just to pipe in for a second.  Mr. President: you did NOT sign all of the letters to the families of the fallen.  I will whip that letter out of my room right this second and I guarantee you it's a flipping stamp.  Don't try to fool me just because they put you in charge.  And don't take credit for all of this.  I don't see your happy ass out risking your life.


Bittersweet.  Good description of all of this.  I've gotten a lot of messages tonight and it's comforting to know that there are people who still remember.  I just wish it brought him back or something.  I'm sure Josh is looking down smiling and making some sort of comment that I would probably smack him for.  If I could even see what was going to change it might make it a little better.  I know that it's never going to fill the void.  It's never going to fix the pain.  No matter who dies or how many years pass that's never going to go away. 

For now it's another painful reminder of how much I want my life back.  As the story goes, I can't have it..


  1. I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine how awful it would feel. But I am so thankful for people like your fiance who were willing to sacrifice it all so monsters like Osama could be brought to justice. He was a brave man!

  2. Like you, I couldn't bring myself to be thrilled at the moment either. Maybe one day. Not last night. I cried for all the soldiers who have lost their lives. I agree that sometimes it feels like people forget. And it didn't help that Obama used the word "I" instead of "our troops" WAY too often in that speech of his. It's our servicemen and women who deserve the praise and credit for the whole past ten years. And I also think it's bullsh*t that he didn't sign your letter. I feel like it's the absolute least he can do for those who died under his command carrying out his orders. I hope your week gets better girl. Still praying for you and thinking of you,


  3. so sad :(

    i just wanted to say you are brave and i am glad you have this blog to show the tragedy and sorrow war brings.

    i am sorry for your pain.