Monday, May 16, 2011

Contradicting Opinions

If there is one thing that drives me absolutely insane about living this life is sometimes I feel like I'm in a constant lose:lose situation.  It's irritating.  No matter what you do someone "thinks" they know something better and criticizes you for it.  Test it out dudes.  See how you like it.

I really hate that I can't even talk to anyone of the opposite sex without people doing a double take or instantly starting a rumor.  Why is that necessary?  I really have yet to understand why people can't just worry about themselves.  If they had any idea how hard this was I bet they would think twice before saying anything again.  I don't know what people expect me to do.  Shrivel up in a ball forever?  Yeah.  That's realistic.

BUT I'm not ready to move on yet.  I don't WANT to move on yet.  I'm not going to sit around and tell people if I want a relationship in the future because, well, I don't know if I do yet.  It's so easy to fall into a trap when someone wants to be there for you.  However, I know I'm not ready.   I can't let myself be with someone else, nor do I want to be.  I can't even sit there and say if there is a possibility in the future. 

When I think about it, Josh is still "my boyfriend."  I guess technically he's not anymore, but I don't really see it that way yet.  I know that I am in the "single" category.  I don't always act like it.  I'm not ready to let go yet and I probably won't be for a while.  A lot of people think it's like breaking up.  It's not.  There is sooooo  much more to it than that.  If I ever do decide I want to be with someone again they have to understand that.  Once you get your "widow" tag, things will never be the same.  You carry this extra baggage and until you find someone who understands and accepts it, it will never work.  Good grief I almost feel like I've been tagged "special" or something.

So why is it that people expect me to say what's going to happen right this second?  News flash: It's not gonna happen.  I can't do any of that until I put my life back together.  For now, I need to focus on me.  Just Chrissy.  And until Chrissy figures out who she is again, she won't be with anyone else.  End of story.

I just wish people would let me be.  To make an attempt to understand where I'm coming from and what I'm going through.  Maybe people should take more time to think about that instead of giving their expert opinions or making sly comments that I always hear. 

It's less than two weeks until I go to Las Vegas and I couldn't be happier to get away.  I think I need this trip to just have fun and not worry about everything else.  I actually want to enjoy my birthday; at least make a solid attempt to.

I wish people understood how hard this was and how much I am trying to put my life back together.  I think about it every single day.  It doesn't go away.  I still long to have my old life back and then the never ending feeling of a knife in your stomach when you tell yourself for the millionth time that it isn't coming back.  All the tears and heartache doesn't disappear overnight.  People may think I'm okay because I put on a good front and I've come along way.  I can assure you it's still very real and very painful.

Every Tom, Dick, or Harry thinking that they know whats best needs to think about that.  Don't push me.. Just let me be.  I'll figure this all out on my own time.  This is about me.  And for once I plan on sticking to that.

7 comments:

  1. Chrissy, if and when you fall in love again I will fully support you. No matter if that day is tomorrow or never. Don't let people get you down.

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  2. I love your attitude, and not that my opinion does or should make a difference, I think you you are point on. You keep giving it to 'em girl. You are amazing. Don't let anyone ever make you feel otherwise. :)

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  3. Chrissy, who in the world is always makeing you so mad like this? really? people need to stay to their own bizz...you need to live your life, how ever you need to do it...and you need to be happy and you are very strong. Josh knows and people need to leave you out of their little dumb ass comments.....I am happy for you what ever you decide when ever you decide to do it. I would never exspect you to move on, I wouldn't. I have learned too cope with our loss and the loss of josh....the next time just tell them what would you do if you were in my shoes!

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  4. Well this is just terrible. I have to say, this is a very different situation than breaking up with someone and if people don't understand it, well, there is no nice way of saying this, they are just STUPID.

    You will move on when you are ready. I'm sure there will be another person out there to make you as happy as Josh did & I pray that you find him. And when you find him, that doesn't mean that you stop loving Josh either.

    Good lucky Chrissy! You are in my prayers.

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  5. No one should be telling you how to live. They havent been in your shoes and they do not know how you feel. Just because you talk to someone doesn't mean you are going to marry them or that there is a possibility of being with them.. whoever you end up with, if anyone, has to understand your situation and accept you with everything you are have been and went through. they have to know you're never going to forget josh, or stop loving josh.
    if people want to talk, let them. it only shows who they really are. its not their business if you are with someone tomorrow, or never like someone else said. whenever, if you ever decide to find someone else, that's your decision and you're biggest supporters will be happy for you.
    -heather

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  6. Aww, girl, I'm sorry to hear that people are trying to make this even more difficult for you. You should heal on YOUR time, and tell them all to get a life!! If something happened to my husband, I wouldn't want to answer questions about future relationships either, and I probably wouldn't even think about that for a long time. Do what is best for YOU and do it on YOUR time. You're so strong - just stay true to yourself and your own feelings!! Thinking about you.

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  7. I know exactly how you feel. Yeah, i have tried hanging out with guys but as soon as I do I feel like "wait I have a boyfriend". I think they will always be our boyfriends and always have our hearts. I agree I don't want to be better even though people want us too, I'm not ready to move on and feel better. No one can push us, because like you said if you havent gone through it you truly have no idea, we'll do it on our own time in our own way.

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