If there is one thing that drives me absolutely insane about living this life is sometimes I feel like I'm in a constant lose:lose situation. It's irritating. No matter what you do someone "thinks" they know something better and criticizes you for it. Test it out dudes. See how you like it.
I really hate that I can't even talk to anyone of the opposite sex without people doing a double take or instantly starting a rumor. Why is that necessary? I really have yet to understand why people can't just worry about themselves. If they had any idea how hard this was I bet they would think twice before saying anything again. I don't know what people expect me to do. Shrivel up in a ball forever? Yeah. That's realistic.
BUT I'm not ready to move on yet. I don't WANT to move on yet. I'm not going to sit around and tell people if I want a relationship in the future because, well, I don't know if I do yet. It's so easy to fall into a trap when someone wants to be there for you. However, I know I'm not ready. I can't let myself be with someone else, nor do I want to be. I can't even sit there and say if there is a possibility in the future.
When I think about it, Josh is still "my boyfriend." I guess technically he's not anymore, but I don't really see it that way yet. I know that I am in the "single" category. I don't always act like it. I'm not ready to let go yet and I probably won't be for a while. A lot of people think it's like breaking up. It's not. There is sooooo much more to it than that. If I ever do decide I want to be with someone again they have to understand that. Once you get your "widow" tag, things will never be the same. You carry this extra baggage and until you find someone who understands and accepts it, it will never work. Good grief I almost feel like I've been tagged "special" or something.
So why is it that people expect me to say what's going to happen right this second? News flash: It's not gonna happen. I can't do any of that until I put my life back together. For now, I need to focus on me. Just Chrissy. And until Chrissy figures out who she is again, she won't be with anyone else. End of story.
I just wish people would let me be. To make an attempt to understand where I'm coming from and what I'm going through. Maybe people should take more time to think about that instead of giving their expert opinions or making sly comments that I always hear.
It's less than two weeks until I go to Las Vegas and I couldn't be happier to get away. I think I need this trip to just have fun and not worry about everything else. I actually want to enjoy my birthday; at least make a solid attempt to.
I wish people understood how hard this was and how much I am trying to put my life back together. I think about it every single day. It doesn't go away. I still long to have my old life back and then the never ending feeling of a knife in your stomach when you tell yourself for the millionth time that it isn't coming back. All the tears and heartache doesn't disappear overnight. People may think I'm okay because I put on a good front and I've come along way. I can assure you it's still very real and very painful.
Every Tom, Dick, or Harry thinking that they know whats best needs to think about that. Don't push me.. Just let me be. I'll figure this all out on my own time. This is about me. And for once I plan on sticking to that.