Tuesday, May 24, 2011

One Step Forward, Ten Steps back

Story of my life.  Any time I ever think that I can start to move forward in life I am quickly reminded that I'm not ready too. 

I'm so anxious for my life to be back in order.  For everything to be okay.  To be happy again.  Who doesn't want that?  Everyone does, but when something like this happens it's often hard to find.  Yesterday was another one of those days.  A day when I thought I could slide by it all.  Oh, no.  I was so very wrong.

All it did was make me angry.  Hurt all over again.  I HATE that this is where my life is right now and that I still have to fix it.  Reality is that I don't want to fix it.  What I want is for it to go back to the way it was.  i don't like where I am and what I have to do.  Not one little bit.  

Congratulations, Chrissy.  Way to throw yourself into one hell of a funk.  I'm just so done with this and days like today i don't want to do it anymore.  I want to go back to my bed and sleep forever.  You can't hurt when you're asleep.

This could very well sound terrible of me... but seeing everyone else living their happy post-deployment lives is like a knife in my stomach.  Why isn't that us?  Why don't we get to do all of the things that was planned too? 

It'll be a year since I've seen you on July 15th.  That feels like forever ago.  When everyone was prepping for this deployment.  Wanting to get it over with so we could all happily move on with our lives.  We might have been slightly naive at the time or rather neglecting the fact that we knew people wouldn't be coming home. 

I never wanted it to be me.  I still don't want it to be me.  I still wish sometimes that this is all just some mistake and that things will go back to the way they were.  Honestly, if the world did end Saturday, I probably wouldn't have been that mad about it.

You can only put a band-aid over the wound so many times.  It doesn't always work and now is one of those times.  I don't know what I'm doing these days, but I really need to get it together.  I'm a mess and it's awful.  I really don't even know how to fix it right now.  I don't even know where to start. 

Part of me thinks I just need to back away from everything and get some me time.  There is too much going on and I can't handle it.  This past week has been one for the books.  It's been while since I've cried this much and I really didn't miss it.

For now I just want to be a big baby about it.  I feel entitled to that.  I'll get back on my happy horse eventually and my front will be back in full swing.  Just not now.

3 comments:

  1. Hun, I'm sorry your having a hard time. I really can't imagine what your going through. Have you reached out to other bloggers that are going through the same thing? Sometimes it's best to find someone who knows the same feelings and can give you some advice. It is going to all take time and I think maybe you're right, maybe you need to give yourself sometime off from things. If you need anything, please ask.

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  2. I have ran across your blog, and can't stop reading it, my heart goes out to you, I am a wife of a Marine, and could never fathom what you have gone through and continue to go through daily. You are an amazing and strong woman, and can be an inspiration to all. God Bless

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  3. Chrissy I don't know you, we have never met, we have never talked, but you are an inspiration to me. Your strength is remarkable, I hope one day I can grow to be as strong of a person as you are. (even though I am a year older than you) My fiance is in 2/9 and was in Afghanistan, I kept up on the yuku deployment thread and was brought to tears the second I found out what happened to Josh. Your blog has become part of my daily schedule, I couldn't be more amazed by your ability to do what you do. I am sure you have heard this all before, how strong you are, and things will get better with time, but you have a special place in my heart. I can see what a truly amazing person you are. Josh is proud of you. I am proud of you, you have touched more lives than you know.

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