Holidays Take 2

Well here we are again.. new year.. new holidays.

So far it's gone pretty well.  Better than last year at least.  Holidays seem to strike a little harder because it's the time when you most want them back.  Everyone is happy and together then you are standing there thinking about the piece that is missing.  Heartbreak that's for sure.

This morning was okay.  Last year I spent with a lot of tears and in bed.  This year I stayed in bed but not so many tears.  For me I need the space and alone time to get myself together.  I gave myself a couple hours alone and I spent the rest of the day with people.

One thing I've noticed is Thanksgiving is easier than Christmas which  is followed by the new year.  I still haven't figured out how disastrous that will be this year.  Hopefully it's not too bad.  What I've learned through all of this and getting through Thanksgiving.. be thankful.  The whole point of the holiday.  I was guilty of not really caring.  Thanksgiving became 5 days of leave in my book and I lost sight of what's important.  Again.. learned the hard way.  Now I hope that people see what can happen and that you should take some time to be thankful for what you do have.

One of the most painful things sometimes is looking back and thinking "I should have done this or should have done that."  Truth is.. you can never go back.  Learning from your mistakes is part of life I guess.  Although I wish I could have learned this lesson some other way.

Even though this year is better than the last it's still that painful reminder of what's missing.  I'm an expert at blocking things out now. I'm not really sure if that's a good thing or not, but for now it works for me and I'm okay with that.  Slowly but surely I'm moving out of "survival" mode and getting life back on track.

At first living like a hermit sounded like a fantastic idea, but like I've said before, the rest of the world keeps on moving even though yours has stopped.  What kind of life would that be anyways?  Not one at all.  It's easy to cover up the pain most days and act like everything is okay.  Other days not so much.

Moving forward is still something I really struggle with.  Some days I think I'm ready and other days I completely freak out and panic about it.  I know I can't live my life with my urn and be happily ever after.. that's unrealistic.  It's just so hard for me to come to terms with the fact that my future as I pictured for so long isn't going to happen anymore.  If I even thinking about changing my relationship status on facebook it brings tears to my eyes.  Yes, I know, it's just facebook; however, I know that once I let go of that I can't get it back.  I'm not ready for that yet.

I'm not ready for a lot of things really (even though sometimes I *think* I am.. it's not true haha).  It's helped me out to let someone into my life again.  It's just so so so difficult to admit to myself that what used to be isn't happening ever.  Right now I've set myself into this stubborn ass mode where I refuse to think about anything in the future.  I'm content just doing my thing and living my life.   Thinking of all the things I want to do and see before I settle into my hometowns get married, reproduce, and never leave trend.  Life in the backwoods repeats itself.

I mentioned a little before that someone did come into my life a few months ago.  I'm so thankful he's there for me and I still question why he puts up with all of my nonsense.  Seriously.. I wouldn't want to put up with me right now.  I'm so bi-polar about everything.  One minute I'm okay and the next I'm a basket case.  It really is ridiculous but I can't help it.  Going out in public still makes me cringe because in my mind it's still "Chrissy and Josh" and I feel like I'm cheating in a sense.  I know I'm really not, but that doesn't ease the thought in my mind.

Good grief this life will make you think you're a crazy person.  On a good note another day I survived and another holiday under my belt.  Onto the next one I guess.  At least this year I have a little glimmer of excitement when I see Christmas stuff or hear Christmas music.  Baby steps..

ANYWAYS (because you know I always get sidetracked)..  I hope everyone had a fantastic Thanksgiving surrounded by family, friends, food and football.  If you haven't taken the time yet today, remind yourself of the great things in your life.  Focus on the good and what you are thankful for.  If anything.. forget the bad today and just enjoy what you have right in front of you.  Trust me.. it's worth it to take the time remembering the little things versus getting something taken away from you and looking back thinking the "I should haves."  Take it from someone who knows.

Happy Turkey Day!

Busy, Busy

I'm sorry blogging world!  I have been so busy I neglected my poor blog.  I feel bad so I came with a little update!

Josh's 23rd birthday was on October 1.  I did pretty well this year.  I was busy most of the day so that always helps.  I had the homecoming parade so I went out with friends that night and I got to spend some time with his family that day.  It's a comfort and a little reminder that he's always around.  I know he was most definitely celebrating up in the sky.

Lately I've been struggling with a lot of things.  Mostly anger.  Mad at him for leaving or things that happened in the past.  Mad with where my life is.  Have things gotten better?  Sure.  But I'm such a weirdo these days.  Honestly there are some days I don't know how anyone other than another widow puts up with me.  It's kinda ridiculous.

It's so hard to describe what you're feeling to other people.  I feel like I can never get through to them no matter what I say and they just don't understand things from my perspective.  It's so hard and frustrating sometimes.  I know it's probably worse for those who are putting up with me too.  Let me just tell you it's an odd life that we widows live.  Mrs. P posted on Facebook the other day about having a widow island and I think that is a fantastic idea!  Hopefully here soon I will get to go on an AWP Getaway to get to experience that a little bit.  I think it would help.

Right now I'm finishing up my last few weeks of classes before student teaching in November.  I started my Care Package Drive for a second year.  I'm a little disappointed it hasn't taken off as well as last year, but I've been so busy I haven't had much time.  Honestly though, I'll take whatever I can get and a little bit of donations is better than none.  I'm also really excited to be working with Operation Troop Appreciation out of Pittsburgh.  It is a great organization serving our deployed troops.  The  people there are amazing and so appreciative of everything.

That pretty much sums up my life right now.  The holidays are creeping up and when I see things in the stores I'm actually feeling a little bit of excitement again.  We'll see how I feel as it gets closer to the time.

I'm going to make a serious attempt to blog more often!  I miss my blog and I really need to get back on the bandwagon.  <3

PS:  A commenter has asked about my email.  You can find me here: chrissy8838@msn.com :)
Oh!  And check out the Letters to You page on Facebook!

Restarting the Cycle

Well here I am on year two making my way through everything once again without him by my side. It's weird thinking about it being the second year. For an entire year I relied on everything being "last year we did this.". It was somewhat of a comfort to hold onto that. Now there is nothing good to say about "last year."

A few days ago I was talking with someone and they mentioned wanting to go back a year. I instantly said yeah me too. Then I paused and thought about it. The next thing out of my mouth was no I take that back. I never want to feel the pain of that fresh wound ever again. I never want to live my life in a fog or on auto pilot, struggling through each day. No, thanks

The pain lives on each day and it never leaves. I still long for the past and I tear up when I think or talk about things that were special to us. All day everyday

The only positive is starting to slowly live life again remembering to appreciate every little thing. I'm so thankful for things that I have accomplished in the last year even with my heart completely broken and my body barely functioning. I know he would be so proud of me. He was always my biggest cheerleader and reminded me I could do anything that I set my mind to. Here I am about to start another care package drive, in my last semester of class about to was into student teaching (with a 3.8 I might add), still coaching and working. Busy as usual.

Being busy keeps me sane. I have less time to think and more time to keep pushing forward. When you hit rock bottom the only way to go is up. A year ago it seemed impossible. Feeling so incredibly lost like a piece of you died along with your heart. I set into my second year with a still foggy, but somewhat clear, vision of what I need to do in life.

I have by no means moved on. Just last night I looked at the ring I had picked out. My eyes filled with tears thinking of what could have been. His 23rd birthday is this Saturday and I plan on celebrating it for him. Trust me.. He wouldn't want it any other way. I think I might let some balloons go with little messages. It's a comfort thing to make me feel connected in some way.

It would be nice to have another dream. I still haven't had another one nor can I remember what the last one was about. They just feel so real and that's all I have. Maybe he'll be feeling froggy this weekend and drop by. I'm not getting my hopes up it's just wishful thinking.

Well, cheers to 23, babe. And here's to me getting through round two.

I'm alive.

I survived a whole year.  It seems like it's been so much longer than that.  I had been dreading the 2nd for weeks, but I made it.

This year was pretty calm.  I once again woke to a beautiful morning.. no phone calls.  I got ready as my phone slowly started ringing more often with facebook updates and text messages.  I went to class.  I could hear people whispering behind me most of the day and I just kept praying the day would go fast so I didn't have to think about it anymore.  I went to lunch with my friends after our seminar and I had some errands to run that afternoon.  I found it easier to stay ridiculously busy so I wasn't moping around doing nothing. 

I went to the football game and I held it together.  I got that same feeling of a thousand eyes on me as I walked by.  Everyone knew what day it was.  It was a repeat of walking on eggshells when it came to talking to me or shying away.  I felt those same things last year.  I know people mean well and I am thankful for everyone's support.. Sometimes it's just an awkward feeling that I could never explain to anyone.  By the end of the game I was quiet.  I held it together all day and it was about to come crashing down.

I made it back to my house with one of my friends.  I walked into my kitchen and put all of my stuff down... Game over.  I lost it.  Hitting the one year mark signified so much.  I had done many of the things I did a year before that, but it was so very different.  My heart ached at the fact that so much time has gone by and he really isn't coming back.

Ever since that day everything has been weighing heaving on my heart and mind.  I've found myself thinking about it more frequently.  Longing to have my old life back more than I ever have along with the blunt reality that it's not going to happen. 

Two nights ago I had a dream and he was talking to me.  I wish I could remember exactly what he said but I woke up and just laid there.  Almost stunned.  It's been so long since I last had dream and not remembering what it was about was eating me alive.  I know they say dreams are just our imaginations or thoughts processing; however, I hold on to those dreams more than anything else in the world.  Even if it's not real I feel like he's talking to me and saying he's still there.

I really can't believe a year has gone by.  My whole life has drastically changed in a matter of 365 days.  A new future and outlook on life.. the same pains that it will never be what I once had.  I made it though.  A year ago getting through a week seemed nearly impossible.  I didn't know what to do or how I was going to survive.  I remember saying a million times, "what am I supposed to do?"  I went into a survival mode.. almost like an auto-pilot.  Fighting through each day just to get up and fight through the next.

I'm stronger.  So much stronger than I was at the beginning.  I still cry.  I still hurt.  Those things have remained fairly steady in my life.  The best thing of it all?  Still being in love.  No matter what happens in life or who is taken from you too soon, you never stop loving them.  I think about him every single day and I'm so thankful to have had that kind of love in my life.  We were a perfect match and most people don't experience that in their lifetime.  I will always be thankful for that.

Well here we are on year two.  I'm not sure what this year will bring.  I'm out of "last years" and "firsts," but you never know what it will be like now.  What I do this year is I can survive it.  I can slowly start living my life again.  Easing some of the pain and enjoying the things I can do.  When Josh died, part of me died too.  At the same time.. part of me is still alive and he would never in a million years want me to throw my life away.  He wants me to live and I will.. just for him.

Inspiring

Me?  Inspiring?

As I went through my blog stats today.. looking at my readers pages and where my blog is shared I came across this: http://www.justmilitaryloans.com/round-ups/top-5-inspiring-military-spouse-blogs/

My blog is on there!  It really warmed my heart and it definitely made me smile.  To know that people find my words inspiring just makes me so happy.  When I started this blog I didn't know it's potential.  That I actually had the power to help other people and let those around me into my own life.  It's really a powerful thing.

I try to be honest, to put my feelings into perspective.  Cry, laugh, get angry.. it all comes out in my blog.  This is to tell our story, to talk to him, and learning to live again.  People don't always agree with me and that's fine.  I don't expect people to.  At the same time, this is my space.  For me to say whatever I please.

It's come a long way in the last 361 days.  I come here when I need to get something out and before I know it I have an entire post full of my thoughts.

It'll be a year in a few hours.  I like to think he's proud of me.  Proud of me for standing tall and pushing forward in life without him by my side.  I mean.. he's still here.  Not in the preferred form, but he would never ever leave me to fend for myself.

I know everyone says, "everything happens for a reason."  Maybe it is true.  Maybe I was destined for something in this lifetime and this is how it's being uncovered.  Granted I would prefer my old life, but I think I'm doing rather well considering the circumstances.

Finding that article today was just what I needed.  A little boost in my life to feel like I am actually making a difference.  After all.. making a difference has always been a goal in my life.  I am an education major you know.

I'm going to attempt sleep and hopefully I'll have some sweet dreams.  Stay with me tomorrow babe.  Love you always.

Clarification Annonymous Commentor

Then you are not reading what I said.  I admit.. ALL THE TIME that there are people that have it worse than I do.  I'm talking about people who have EVERYTHING, but it's not enough for them.  That people who act like life is so terrible.  What's so terrible?  Why do certain people complain about every single little thing?

Do people complain and get hurt and have problems?  Yes.  Everyone does and I know that.  And I know there are people who have it worse.  And I disagree.  I do think the loss of loved one could hurt more than other things.  And I'm sure there is plenty more about that. 

If you don't like what I write on my blog.. then don't read it.  I don't need negativity in my life.. Especially this week.  And if you're someone I know.. disappointed.  Don't twist my words.

Selfish People

Before I go into my famous "blog rants.."

Tonight I was at band night in at the fair with my majorettes and it brings back a lot of madness that happened last year.  Last year I left band night and went home.  The next morning I woke up to a 5 am phone call from trashcanistan.

"Hey baby," came across the line.  As much as I wanted to complain about it being 5 in the morning, I didn't.  I was perfectly fine with hearing the voice.  It was like a sigh of relief.  I was happy.  Until 26 hours or so later. 

I have become increasingly irritated lately with people who think their life is just so terrible.  Multiple facebook posts like they're going to make a point..

"If I find out who talked about me I'll kill them"

"Don't care about me.. nbd"

or my personal favorite..

"OMG FML"

Yeah.  Your life must be soooooooooo terrible.  No. You know what that screams?  Immature.  I'm sick of it.  I like to think my life is pretty hard, but I also know that there are people all around the world that have it a hell of a lot worse than I do.  I swear to God there are some people who think life is just so incredibly hard.  Maybe some people should step back for a second and think about that. Think about how lucky you really are.

I'm not trying to talk myself up at all.  That's not the point.  Lord knows I should have been a lot more thankful than I was in the past and I learned the hard way to really think about that one.  There are people dealing with things in this world that are so incredibly painful and difficult on a daily basis.  Cancer, illness, death, whatever.  Every. Single. Day.

I see all of these people.. happy, a family, an education, house, food, car.  Everything.  What else could you possibly want?  What is so bad?  Sure things in life are tough to get through.. relationships, your friends.  Everyone has problems.  But is it really that bad?  No, it's not.

I don't want to be one of those angry/jealous/bitter people.  It's just been super hard to not be the closer I get to Friday.  I can only push it away for so long and it's a definite "ready or not here I come."  I'm not ready.  Not at all.

I just had a complete meltdown.  I stopped crying for a few minutes only because I got out my phone and played some voice mails just to hear his voice.  Thursday will be a year since I talked to him last.  It's crazy.  Part of me feels like I'm going to forget and that scares me.  Like I keep getting further away from him and I can't go back.

Truth is I'll never go back, but I wish I could.  I wish every day that my life could be as good as it was.

I went back to school Monday.  As crazy as it sounds I love that I'm back.  Last year school was my outlet from life.  My cohort became a tight knit group of friends.  Everyday I would go into class and tell my table about some stupid thing someone said to me to get a good laugh.  They never treated me any different and they have helped me along the way.  I'm glad that I will spend part of my day with them Friday.  I'm so thankful for them and everyone else in my life.

I just wish other people remembered that.  How lucky they really are...