I hate the void that I constantly feel and try to fix. As time goes on I'm realizing more and more everyday that it's never going to be filled. It may get better, get easier to deal with, whatever. BUT I will always have the void.
I never in a million years thought I was going to be living this life. Did I know it was a possibility? Yes. But no one wants to think it will be them. People don't know what it is like to live with the constant struggle of going day after day without the most important person in your life.
Sure, one day I will probably being happy again. It still makes me so angry that I have to live with this for the rest of my life. That I have to live without you when we were counting on forever. I saw a Winnie the Pooh quote yesterday..
"If you live to be 100, I want to be 100 minus one day so I never have to live without you
That is how I always felt. I never ever wanted to live another day of my life without you. Well. So much for that because now I have to.
I constantly find myself longing for you and somehow trying to patch it up. Wear your clothes, cling to things that you gave me, listen to the songs that you liked, but it really doesn't do much good. I'm not even sure if I have fully realized that come February you aren't stepping off of that bus with everyone else.
I'm still debating on homecoming. Should I go or should I stay? For some reason I feel like I should be there- be there for you. At the same time, it is just going to be another smack of reality and I don't know if I can handle that.
I wish I could change things.. I really do. Now I can only hope that when its my turn you will be there waiting for me with open arms. It just makes me sad that the day that it comes is still a whole lifetime away. And I miss you now.
One of my friends sent me this song last night and it is really similar to our situation and I do find some comfort in it.