Thursday, December 2, 2010

3 months

I'm not really sure why, but this one has hit hard.  Last night when I finally realized what it was I lost it.  Sobbing to the point where I couldn't breathe and thought my head was going to explode.  It was awful.  I don't know why it got so bad but it felt like I got hit by a million pounds of bricks.

Not to mention it's another Thursday.  Nothing has gone right today and I just want to go back to bed.  I hate 2's and I hate Thursdays.   This isn't getting any easier.  I feel a little stronger as the days pass, but it's not any easier.  I miss you more each day and it's going to be an eternity before I see you again.

A whole 90 days since this happened and it still feels like it was last week.  I just think how close we would be to finishing this deployment.  With the holidays it would have flown by.  I really don't even care for Christmas this year.  I don't want anything, nor do I really want to give.  I'd rather be a scrooge and lay in bed all day.  Honestly, I might do that.  I don't want to be around people or for them to force me to put on a smile.  I just don't want to.

I miss you more and more each day.  I constantly question why this had to happen to us.  We were so happy and everything was falling into place.  I wouldn't want anyone to live this life, but out of alllllllllllll those guys, why did it have to be you?  I am going to ask myself that question for the rest of my life.

Not to mention it just dawned on me like 2 days ago that I'm technically "single."  I hate that.  It makes me sick to my stomach.  I'm not sure why, but it didn't register before.  After five years, I don't know how to be single.  I don't want to be single.  I don't want to be with someone else.  I want you and I can't have you.  I hate feeling like I'm going to have to settle in my life.  Feeling like I'm just going to do what I need to do to get by.  It's not fair.

I have such a longing to be happy.  I want someone to be there.  Someone to just give me a hug and say it is going to be okay.  I can't though because it's not you.  Not to mention if there ever is someone else I'm sure I'll be criticized to the moon and back.  I'm just so sick and tired of being miserable all the time.  I don't know how people can live this life forever, not to mention doing it alone.

I'm a strong believer in the fact that you will guide me in the right direction.  If I could, I would fast forward my life a few years.  Maybe I'll be happier, maybe I'll hurt a little less.  No matter where I go in life or what I do- I'll never stop loving you.  A day will never go by that I won't miss you.  I'll always wonder what could have been.  I'll always think about you and you'll live in my heart and memories forever.  It's not how I pictured our forever, but it will have to do.

I haven't told you lately, but I'm still so proud of you.  The CACO is bringing your bronze star next week.  It's bittersweet.  I'm so glad you're being recognized for what you did and that it truly matters.  At the same time, it's another stop by the reality train.  I'll always be proud of you- who you were and what you did.  It really is amazing and not many people can say that.

While you're at it- keep watching over Jenna.  Lee needs you right now.

I miss you more than you'll ever know.

4 comments:

  1. You will NOT be critisized when you find a new love. But right now you don't have to so don't even fret over that right now! Sending you all my positive thoughts!!

    I don't know if you already do, but you should follow some blogs of other ladies who have lost their marines. a little pink in a world of camo and another, wife of a wounded marine are too really good ones of ladies who lost their marines 6+ months ago and they are in a much better place now then a few months ago. maybe reading about someone elses journey through the same thing will give you encouragment and strength. just a thought. really hoping things get easier for you!

    -Kimberly

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  2. I am one of your newer followers, and I just have to say, you are a true inspiration. I don't know of a post I've read yet without shedding my share of tears. My heart aches for you. You seem like such a strong individual. I can't fathom your pain, but I do want you to know that we are all here supporting you.

    As for the holidays, do exactly what you feel like doing, even if it's absolutely nothing. If you don't feel like entertaining anyone, then by golly, don't! There's nothing saying you need to do anything, give anything, see anyone.

    I know in time you will feel less pain. As you said, you'll never stop thinking about him or loving him, but you will be able to feel again someday. Take as much time as you need!

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  3. wow it was hard enough going through deployments but knowing you will never see them and never really got a hance to say good bye is horrible. im sorry this happened im also not sure if you have seen one other girls blog who is also a "war widow" or how she put it married to "an Angel" check her site out unless you are already a follower shes been dealing with this alot longer maybe she can help. she was pregnanat when he got deployed and their baby was born and he never got to meet her, its sad how some people dont even appreciate the work our soldiers do. Hope you have better days ahead of you
    http://alittlepinkinaworldofcamo.blogspot.com/

    My Blog
    http://Ladii-aponte.blogspot.com

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  4. Hey sweetie! I know of you thru somebody else! My thougths and prayers have been with you for months! I am very sorry for your loss. Try to stay strong! God is with you!
    Thougths and Prayers!

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