I'm not really sure why, but this one has hit hard. Last night when I finally realized what it was I lost it. Sobbing to the point where I couldn't breathe and thought my head was going to explode. It was awful. I don't know why it got so bad but it felt like I got hit by a million pounds of bricks.
Not to mention it's another Thursday. Nothing has gone right today and I just want to go back to bed. I hate 2's and I hate Thursdays. This isn't getting any easier. I feel a little stronger as the days pass, but it's not any easier. I miss you more each day and it's going to be an eternity before I see you again.
A whole 90 days since this happened and it still feels like it was last week. I just think how close we would be to finishing this deployment. With the holidays it would have flown by. I really don't even care for Christmas this year. I don't want anything, nor do I really want to give. I'd rather be a scrooge and lay in bed all day. Honestly, I might do that. I don't want to be around people or for them to force me to put on a smile. I just don't want to.
I miss you more and more each day. I constantly question why this had to happen to us. We were so happy and everything was falling into place. I wouldn't want anyone to live this life, but out of alllllllllllll those guys, why did it have to be you? I am going to ask myself that question for the rest of my life.
Not to mention it just dawned on me like 2 days ago that I'm technically "single." I hate that. It makes me sick to my stomach. I'm not sure why, but it didn't register before. After five years, I don't know how to be single. I don't want to be single. I don't want to be with someone else. I want you and I can't have you. I hate feeling like I'm going to have to settle in my life. Feeling like I'm just going to do what I need to do to get by. It's not fair.
I have such a longing to be happy. I want someone to be there. Someone to just give me a hug and say it is going to be okay. I can't though because it's not you. Not to mention if there ever is someone else I'm sure I'll be criticized to the moon and back. I'm just so sick and tired of being miserable all the time. I don't know how people can live this life forever, not to mention doing it alone.
I'm a strong believer in the fact that you will guide me in the right direction. If I could, I would fast forward my life a few years. Maybe I'll be happier, maybe I'll hurt a little less. No matter where I go in life or what I do- I'll never stop loving you. A day will never go by that I won't miss you. I'll always wonder what could have been. I'll always think about you and you'll live in my heart and memories forever. It's not how I pictured our forever, but it will have to do.
I haven't told you lately, but I'm still so proud of you. The CACO is bringing your bronze star next week. It's bittersweet. I'm so glad you're being recognized for what you did and that it truly matters. At the same time, it's another stop by the reality train. I'll always be proud of you- who you were and what you did. It really is amazing and not many people can say that.
While you're at it- keep watching over Jenna. Lee needs you right now.
I miss you more than you'll ever know.