Focus right now is a big ole zero. I'm crazy anxious and it's starting to make me nuts. I just want to get it over with already. I'm leaving in 4ish days. It's completely unreal. And I'm super nervous about being in the car for 10 hours because that is way too much thinking time for me right now. How I feel right now is just... weird. I can't even fully describe it.
I've been trying to do stuff for me. I had a "me" day today. I've been getting up early and actually doing something with myself. I figure looking decent may lighten my mood and change it up from my usual sweat pants and hoodies. I engaged in a little retail therapy today, which may or may not have been a good thing. I did realize one thing and that's that I am completely disgusted with myself. After September, I let myself go. I stopped dressing up, stopped doing my hair, and gained a ridiculous amount of weight. That is not helping my mood at all. So guess what I'm doing tonight? Hitting the gym. It'll be fun.
I have to get myself together. I cannot keep doing this. Really- it can't be healthy. I hope that things start looking up after next week. It's the last big blow I have to take and I'm ready to get it over with. In a way, I'm excited. I'm ready to see your friends and be with them. I'm ready to get some closure. I'm ready to feel like you're coming home in their hearts. As odd as it may sound to everyone, I need to feel that pain. To see that you aren't coming home. As hurtful as it may be, I still have that odd sense of pride. I'm so incredibly proud of you. I'm going down there and I'm going to hold my head up and smile. You gave up everything and you are a hero. That word gets tossed around way too easily these days and people forget what that truly means. I'm going to make you proud I promise.
While I'm there, I hope you're saying "that's my girl." Everyone there will know who I am and I'm okay with that. Again, a pride thing. I'll be there for both of us. I really think it's what you would want me to do. I don't give a crap what other people think and if anyone else tells me not to go they're getting punched. You would want me to be there and I think you're going to be proud of me for going. I wish so badly you were going to be stepping off of that bus. I'm ready to do this..