Saturday, February 19, 2011

Movie Night

With myself.  Yeah, Joshua, that's fun.

I'm still sick and I'm not happy about it.  Thanks to the ER doctor that gave me amoxicillan that is not strong enough at all.  Actually, I'm pretty sure I'm immune to it.  I've had strep at least 10 times in my life and I almost always get a Z-pack.  A steroid.  And now they want me to take amoxicillan?  The cure all that over half of America is immune to?  Lame.

Anyways, thanks to my illness I'm still hanging out in bed for the fourth day in a row now.  It's getting rather boring so I hit up red box today.  I miss our movie nights.  They were a lot more fun when I wasn't alone.  Now it's just another one of those reminders.  I was always content getting a good movie and laying on the couch all night.  I didn't need to get dressed up and go out.  All I needed was to be with you.  I was happy and content.  It was simple.

Being in bed constantly is not healthy for me (well it is in the sense that I need to kick this illness).  I think a lot.  I look around my room and see all of the pictures.

And the hearts on the back of my door.  I never added anymore.  I never took them down.  They're just looking at me.  I wish so badly we could rewind the past 7 months are try it again. To fix it.  To change it.  To take away all of the bad.

I think about what we should be doing right now.  We should be planning post deployment leave.  We should be engaged.  We should be making arrangements for you to move home.  We should be happy.  We should be together.  We should be like everyone else.

We're not.

Now that everyone is home, I know what I'm missing.  I see the homecoming pictures, the statuses, the happiness.  All of it.  And I don't feel any of that.  I'm just me.  Fighting to get through each and every day on my own.  Figuring out who I am with out you.  Who I'm going to be.  What my future holds.  I don't know.  I don't know any of it and it makes me crazy.

I've said it a million times and I'll say it again:  I just want to be happy.  I want my life back.

Now I just want my cuddle buddy to watch movies with me and make me feel better.  Instead it's me, my bear (remember I'm allowed to have him when you aren't here), and Mr. Piggy.  You're missing out, Joshua.  Although, their arms aren't big enough and they aren't very good at cuddling.

People have no idea how lucky they really are..

1 comment:

  1. hi -

    i just came across your blog .. i am so sorry for your loss. i cant even imagine. my bf will be deploying next year to afganistan and i am already dreading it.

    i look forward to getting to know you.

    feel free to stop by my blog

    - kaitlin