Tuesday, February 8, 2011

This is "it"

At least that's what it feels like.  It is so weird being here without you.  I have never been here "alone" before.  I don't like it.  I drive around and see the places we've been.  I think about how it was the last time I was here.  As soon as I drove in I passed the airport.  The last place I was with you. 

Everyone is so excited and I'm here to make myself realize a harsh reality.  I think about what we would be doing.  I'd be crazy nervous about seeing you, waiting for you to text me when you got to Cherry Point, standing and waiting with all of the other girls.  Seeing you for the first time after a long seven months.  But, no.  I'm going to stand back and watch everyone else do that as I walk away with nothing. 

I can't believe I'm doing this.  I really can't.  I'm trying so hard to hold it together, but it is so hard.  I know that no one has any idea what to say to me so its just blank stares.  I want to get it over with already so I can start taking steps forward.  This whole thing has just taken over me.  I feel like I have completely lost control over my life.  It is seriously making me crazy.  I don't even want to think about how the next 24 hours are going to play out.

Alone doesn't even begin to describe it.  The emotions are going to just flood in and I don't know if I can even stop it.  What do you do?  I don't know.  I can't even think.

13 comments:

  1. I love you Chrissy. You're right.. I have no clue what to say, but I wish I did.

    Tomorrow is going to be hard, but its closure.. something you probably will never be ready for, but somethine that you need. You've been through hell and you deserve to start taking those steps forward in life. You being there tomorrow means a lot to the guys, but it also mean a lot to all of the girls. You teach us so much just by living your everyday life. Everything happens for a reason (blah blah blah I know you hate hearing that BS cause I would), but its so true. God has used you in so many of our lives. You haave taught us strength, thankfulness, love, and to not take things for granted. YOU have changed me. We're all here for you tomorrow, and forever.

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  2. Praying for you! Stay strong girl, even though it seems impossible!

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  3. Chrissy I think you've handled this whole situation wonderful. You are definitely one tough cookie! I know you are strong enough to do this and Josh is proud that you are there and wanting to take the steps forward. I think about you and pray for you on a daily basis. I can only imagine how tough it has to be being there. Just know Josh is proud of you. I know I am!

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  4. You are the most beautiful, strong woman I know. You WILL get through this. You have so many people supporting you and although it's not the same, Josh is always looking over you and always with you every step of this journey. Maybe not in the way you had planned or hoped but you'll always be together. Hold your head up high and just know you've had the love of a lifetime, although far too short. <3

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  5. I know Josh will be "with" you the next few days. You will find comfort in seeing his brothers! You are so strong to have made it this far and I know he is proud of you!

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  6. Chrissy, you and I have never met. I met Josh once when he came home with my friend on leave. He was a wonderful person and I wish I had the chance to have gotten to know him better. I was shocked to hear of his passing. I cannot imagine what it would be like if I had lost my best friend, and I cannot fathom the impact that seeing those boys today is going to have on you. I admire your strength and courage. From reading your posts I know how you have struggled with homecoming, but I know that my friend needs to see you, too. He was incredibly close with Josh since boot camp and I know how he has struggled with Josh’s passing. I know that today he will be joyous and sad, as he will be coming home without Josh. I don’t think that he was able to really grieve, considering the circumstances of being deployed. I hope that today will help you both heal, as you can be there for each other in a way that most people do not understand. It hurts me to know that I cannot help him through this, but I hope that you can be there for each other, as I’m sure you already have. I believe that you and Josh are still serving our country, simply by being there and supporting and caring for them as many neglect to do. I admire the strong woman that you are, and thank you for being there for my friend. God bless.

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  7. Thinking of you Chrissy, I don't know what to say so I just hope that my prayers and thoughts will help in some way.
    I am so very sorry!

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  8. you've got a lot of people standing beside you Chrissy, and Josh looking down on you. i believe that everyone is extremely proud and amazed by your strength. i hope this all goes as smoothly as possible for you. and know that the sunshine beaming down on you is Josh smiling saying 'that's my girl'

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  9. <3 You're so tough, so amazing, and Josh is SO freakin proud

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  10. Chrissy,
    I can't even imagine the emotions that you must be going through right now. It's been years and years but I can still remember when my marine was coming home from a 6 month float. Granted that's nothing compared to what you have had to endure and that's why I feel for you. I remember the excitement I felt heading to North Carolina to finally see him. But you, you have had all of that taken away from you and it is not fair. May you find some peace in being with Josh's brothers as they arrive home. I'm sure some of them will be needing you as much as you will be needing them.

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  11. You are going to do wonderful! You have been so strong so far, your stength is amazing. Josh is so prod of you and these guys are proud too. I think they will really like the fact that you are going to be there, you have changed alot of people with sharing your story and the things you do. Stay strong you'll get through this all!

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  12. I've followed your blog for a week or so and all I can say is that I wish you the absolute best and all the strength in the world over the next 24 hours. I can tell by your writing that you and your husband have a strong and true love, and I know he will be with you at this time.

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  13. You are amazing for going and seeing them come home.
    ~A fellow mil wife

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