About two weeks ago I made the trip down to Jacksonville to face the reality once again. All day Monday I was thinking as I drove. Thinking what I should be doing. What everyone else is doing except for the lucky 15 who got it taken away. That was probably the worst drive. I was ridiculously anxious and thoughts were just racing through my head.
Tuesday I went to lunch and the mall with Ashleigh. It helped so much. She had gone and she knew I could too I just needed the push. That was the biggest thing: making myself go. All day I was back and forth on what I should do. If I could do it. If I wanted to do it.
4 am I got in my car and drove on base. Walking into the gym it was obvious everyone knew who I was. I was really nervous and heartbroken as I watched everyone in their cute outfits filled with joy and excitement. It was just another day for me.
Around 8 am myself and another widow went to the armory. The CO asked us who we wanted. At first I could only spill out one name because I was so nervous I couldn't even think. A few minutes later I added a few more to the list and slowly they walked over, each giving me a hug. It was comforting to to say the least and when I left there I felt okay.
We made our way back to the reception area. When they started coming across in formation my heart broke all over again and I fell apart. They released them to their families and I watched as everyone took off into each others arms. I stood there. I just looked around thinking "that should be us." But it wasn't. At that moment I felt like I had been hit by the reality mac truck. That was it. It was done. I managed to find my way back through the crowds to Hart. He hugged me and I stood there and cried.
I walked to my car and I watched everyone, together, putting things in there cars and driving off. I got in mine and drove away alone. Am I glad I went? Yes. But it was painful and hard. I wish so badly things were still different and that I could maybe change what has happened. It was supposed to be us..
Photos by Jill Mills
Not much I can say. You did good. Beautiful pictures.
ReplyDeleteYou dont know me but I came across your blog, I just want to say, you are amazingly strong, and your photos are all so beautiful. Being a fellow military spouse I wish I could just hug you and make it all go away. I will be praying for you and your loved ones daily. Stay strong, and you will see him again someday! <3<3<3**Hugs**
ReplyDeleteI teared up just reading this post and seeing the pictures. There are no words that someone can say to make it better. I am praying you can find some sort of peace and start to rebuild. He is watching over you always.
ReplyDeleteJust teared up as well. I don't know you but I am so sorry that you have to go through this.
ReplyDeleteChrissy, the progression of those pictures made me cry. I can see the ache in your heart playing out across your face. But I'm glad you went. Josh would have wanted you to, & you did right by him & all the men he fought with.
ReplyDeletegosh Chrissy...i teared up too, but I am so glad you went.
ReplyDeleteUm, first of all- you look gorgeous! And 2nd of all, you probably already know this, but you are so, so brave. I feel for you more than you know, and I think whatever you'd chosen to do (going or not going) would have been the right decision for you... but each one is painful and hard and outright sucky. That's legitimately all there is to be said about the whole situation you're in. I'm thinking of you girl, lots.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry. I wish I could take away your pain. Praying for your comfort and peace today. You look beautiful in the pictures, though. You have great hair.
ReplyDeleteyou looked great Chrissy! the photos broke my heart because i can see your pain. you definitely are more brave than i could ever be, and i imagine Josh is extrememly proud of you for going and doing so well.
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