Thursday, March 24, 2011

Guilt

My newest feeling on this craptastic journey.  Guilt.  And let me tell you it's not a fun one.  I don't even know why it suddenly hit me so hard.  I've been going out a little more because it's easier for me to be around people these days (I know back and forth).  When I go out and meet new people, they don't know my story.  They don't judge me.  The treat me like a "normal" (whatever that means anymore) person.  It's kinda nice.  I like it when I don't have to be "that girl."  But the guilt for crawling out of my little hole starts to get overwhelming.

I'll question why I'm still here and why you aren't.  How can I even think about enjoying myself when you're not here?  It makes me feel selfish.  I'll smile or laugh.  Then it hits you like "oh my god what am I doing."  It seems so wrong to feel "okay."  I guess before this happened to me I expected to be shriveled up in bed for the rest of my life.  Wasting away just waiting to die.  But it's not like that.

I know you and I know that you would never want that for me.  You would never want me to waste my life because you weren't here.  That's just how you were.. never selfish.  Everyone else came before you because you wanted us to be happy.  And really if roles were reversed.. I wouldn't want that for you either.  If you love someone you don't want them to suffer forever.  

But of course you have the judgmental assholes.  Believe me people.. just because you see a smile or a laugh doesn't mean that I'm over it.  It doesn't mean that I don't feel the pain and hurt.  Doesn't mean I stopped crying or forgot what happened.  I never will.  But at some point or another I have to slowly start living again.  As much as I would like it, the world never stops turning.  The world goes on whether you choose to go with it or not.  There is no pause, rewind, or fast-forward button.  It would be pretty sweet if there was, but it doesn't work that way. 

We have a choice to live our life.  You get one shot at it and you can either go with it and make the best of it or you can waste it.  It's up to you.  That's the amazing thing about you.. you knew that about life and you lived every second like it was your last.  You never wasted anytime because you knew the reality and how fragile life really is. You loved and you laughed.  You had fun.  21 years can be painfully short, but I know you didn't have a single regret.  That's what I always loved about you.  The way you lived your life. 

I remember last March when you were home for a week because of your Grandmas funeral.  That Saturday the weather was beautiful. Over 80 degrees and the sun was shining bright.  I remember that day because it was the first time in a long time we had some quality me and you time.  We went to lunch, played putt putt (which I won.. just in case you forgot), and got some Rita's.  A me and you day.  I don't know that I ever told you how much it meant to me.  I miss those days.

As much as I miss those days it reminds me of one thing: to live my life.  Don't waste time.  I still feel  you around me and I know that's why I have those "okay" days.  You don't want me to feel guilty or unhappy.  You want me to be happy and you're not going to be mad at me when I start living again.  It doesn't work that way when you love someone that much.

So guilty feelings.. please go away.  I slowly but surely want to start to be happy again even if it's just a little bit at a time (which I am totally okay with for now).  It's not an instant change, but something that will come with that dreaded word: time.

3 comments:

  1. I had a talk with my counselor about this, sort of. Basically about my worries for when Matt goes over. He said, "Even if the worst happens, life goes on. It ALWAYS goes on."

    I hope you "feel better" soon. God that sounds superficial. I hope that one day you feel Josh smiling down at you having a good time. And that you'll FEEL that he's happy with that. Yea I like that better.

    ReplyDelete
  2. It wouldn't matter if you were starting to live your life again, or if you sulked in your room forever- people would talk and judge, all the time, literally no matter what you did. Isn't that so sad? To quote one of Jack Johnson's songs "nobody knows anything about themselves 'cause they're all worried about everybody else."

    I have been reading your blog for a while. I heard about it from a support page- my husband was with Josh's unit. I just want you to know you are a true inspiration and your courage, and especially Josh's courage, have really touched me and made me reevaluate my life (and I know you have touched many other lives as well). I pray for you every day. I hope you are able to ignore the stupid people in life, because there's a lot of them, and I hope that you are able to live an amazing life. You deserve it. I wish more than anything that for you life was fair; I will continute to keep you in my prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  3. This is the hardest part to figure out. For me, anyway. But you're right. He'd be happy to know you are smiling again. <3

    ReplyDelete