Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Six Months

Well, today is my sixth "2" and I can't believe its been that long.  Six whole months.  It feels like it's been eternity, but I remember it like it was yesterday.  It feels like so long ago and that so much has happened.

I don't really feel any better.  It's like the further out you get the more you long to have it back.  I'm sure I've gotten stronger and better in some ways.  But I'm still hurting so much.  People think that because you are living that you are okay.  Mrs. P talked about it in her blog, too.  It's not okay.  You still hurt everyday and those dreaded words "should be" can almost eat you alive.

I think what we "should be" doing right now.  You would be home on leave and I would be running around between school and work and spending time with you.  Probably arguing with you about something you were doing because I wanted you to myself and you know I liked to pick fights over stupid stuff.  Really though we fought like an old married couple.  It was dumb and we got over it.  It always reminds me of the Notebook:

Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing. 

They didn't agree on much. In fact they rarely agreed on anything. They fought all the time and they challenged each other everyday...
...But in spite their differences, they had one important thing in common, they were crazy about each other.

Its just what we did.  I miss that.  Yesterday I was thinking all day how I should have been bugging you as you drove home asking you a million times where you were and telling you to hurry up so I could see you.  Instead, it was just another day.  I went to class and work.  I came home and went to bed.  Alone. 

Another thing is people are starting to say "get over it."  I know six months may be a long time for some things, but not for this.  I'm in no way over it nor am I ready to be.  I'm not ready to let go yet.  People think that taking steps forward is forgetting or that I'm ready to just try and put someone else in that spot and have a new boyfriend.  I don't want one!  Anyone close to me know that is the last thing I want right now: a new boyfriend.  That isn't even an option.  I'm not ready for that and I don't want it either.

That brings me to my next point:  it gets confused rather often, wanting someone to be there and expecting someone to fill his spot.  That's not how it is.  But you know what?  I'm done having these expectations of people of thinking how things should go because all it does in the end is hurt me.  Maybe it's better if I figure it out on my own.  I'm not really sure.  However, it seems to be a never ending trend of people promising to be there and they are the first ones to hurt you or turn their back.  I should have known better.  It has happened to every widow I know, but I was holding out hope that the people I knew wouldn't do that to me.  Epic fail.

At this point.. I feel like the less I hope for in people, the less I will get hurt.  Sad isn't it?  I just can't take much more.  I feel like my already broken heart just keeps getting smashed into smaller pieces because I trust people too much and I expect too much.  I'm not ready to move on.  I don't want to get over it.  I'm still grieving and this hurts me every single day.  Especially days like today when I can't escape that "should be" or the fact that it's another month that you haven't been here.  I may put on a smile, but don't be fooled people.  I'm just another girl with a heart broken into a million pieces.

2 comments:

  1. I don't think you will ever 'get over it' as some people put it...and you shouldn't have to. You take your time moving on... the wound is still fresh and even though 6 months may feel like a long time, it's really not. You're doing good!!

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  2. I'm virtually certain that we are soul sisters, because this could not be ANY more similar to the thoughts going through my head at just about any given moment.

    YOU are doing fantastically, and anyone who even implies that you aren't is ridiculous. Nobody will EVER fill his spot, regardless of the people who think that's the solution. The ones who are truly there for you and aren't pushing you where you don't want to be are the ones you need (and want) anyway.

    AWP is my jam... sucky kind of bond to have, but it's been crazy helpful. I know you hear it a lot, but hang in there. You're stronger than you'll ever realize!

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