Friday, March 11, 2011

How low can you go?

I don't know what the heck is going on with me, but I don't like it.  I feel like I just keep falling further and further down.  Asking myself when it is going to get better.  I think I'm just at a point where I feel so incredibly alone without you and who do you turn to?  I know a million people say they are there for me and I am thankful for that.  Really though, it's not the same.  I'm lacking that role in my life and adjusting to living without it is so hard.

As usual, the days are fine.  I went shopping today (which I really need to stop doing) and I went to dinner with a couple friends.  I smiled.  I laughed.

And then I came home.

I have said it a thousand times, but I hate being home at night.  It allows you to think.. too much.  You get to this point where you feel desperate.  Trying to fill that void and you just can't.  Not to mention anyone who truly cares I have pushed away and let in the idiots who ultimately ended up hurting me some more.  Just my luck, right?  Typical situation.

I just want to be okay again.  Whatever that even is.  Today has just been a lot of reminders.  Reminders that you're gone and I'm alone.  I hate those days.  They flat out suck.  For a little while things were going pretty smooth and now I feel like I took steps back. 

I've done absolutely nothing this week.  I'm on spring break so really that's what you do over break.  BUT I realized the ridiculous amount of homework I have to get done before Tuesday and I just don't want to.  Part of me wishes I would have taken more time off because I'm burned out.  This life is draining.  Then again, maybe not being in school this week is what let me fall back.  I don't know.

On a lighter note.. A 2/9 Dad is having a walk in honor of the Fallen 2/9 Marines on March 26, 2011 in Trussville, Alabama.  The proceeds are benefiting the Wounded Warrior Project.  You can find the information here: 10 Mile Rock
Go check it out.   It's a good cause.

2 comments:

  1. oh sweety i can't even imagine what you are going through that has to be so hard. i wish there were words i could express to make you feel better but all i can do is just give you a huge ehug and hopefully that will help even a little bit. You are truly an inspiration. Maybe once you get back going with school that will help and i am like you when i am at home with nothing to do it gives me time to think and i hate that. A walk for fallen marines that is an awesome idea i wish i could participate. Again big hugs to you i am always here for you.

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  2. I know my thoughts can't heal at all, but I want you to know that I still think about you every day!

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