Thursday, March 10, 2011

Rough

Six months is killing.  Things have been, well, hard.  I miss you.

I was cleaning up my room tonight now that the new windows are in and I put my shelf back together.  I stood there.  Just looking at it.   It's so depressing and all I can say is "really?!"  This is what I have left?


Of all the people in the world, this is the hand I was dealt.  Why me?  I've been trying to stay positive lately, but it gets hard to try and fake it.  It's only been six months.  Honestly it feels way longer than that.

If I sat here and said I wasn't getting better that would be a lie because each day is another baby step forward.  At the same time, these are super small steps and it still hurts.  It's still fresh.  Not to mention I'm super angry lately.  Angry that I'm hurting and just want my life back.  Angry that you got taken away from me before I was ready. 

Everyone is on leave now.  At home, with their families.  Here I am.  Just doing what I've been doing all along with myself.  It freakin sucks.  Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for everyone, but that doesn't make it any easier knowing I have nothing.

I'm really struggling with where to go next and finding myself.  It's like you get lost, but you're never finding who you were again because so much changes.  Not to mention how much I hate being alone.  I miss having someone to just lay on the couch and watch a movie with or to just take a nap.  Being alone is lame.  I don't want another boyfriend, but it's kinda nice when you have some company.

I miss my old life.  Who I was.  Us being together.  Things have to get better at some point.  But the further I get from September 2nd, the further I feel from you.  It's realizing more everyday that you aren't coming back.  I hate that.  I just want to talk to you.  I feel like if I could just talk to you one more time, but I know I would still want one more after that. 

This isn't fun, babe.  Not one bit.  I really don't like doing this without you. 

9 comments:

  1. You are so strong, he sounds like he was an amazing guy, and without a doubt a hero.

    Continue staying strong.

    XX
    Jessie

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  2. You are doing amazing! You are handling things the best way you know how! I know it hurts, and I can't say I know how much. You have made leaps and bounds so far. (Although you feel they are baby steps. I took the past 2 days on and off to read your entire blog from day one on.... and the language you use, the tone of your letters, it's changing as you progress.)
    The care package drive was an amazing feat, and you pulled it off awesomely! I am NOT a professional, but it sounds like the roller coaster of different emotions you have been going through is the grieving process unfolding within you. I'm really sorry you are having to go through this!
    I don't know you, but I would take the pain away if I could!
    Just remember you are strong, Josh is with you! God will never bring us TO anything that HE isn't going to bring us THROUGH, and that He never puts more on our plate than we can handle. Although I know it feels as though He does sometimes!
    Take the time you need, do this your way, and never let anyone tell you that you aren't supposed to cry, be angry, upset, or any other emotion that you may feel. This is YOUR journey! Knock it outta the park!!!
    HUGS!

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  3. you are an amazing woman. To be dealing with what you have had to go through it takes a strong person to do that. It reminds me to be grateful for what i got because it can so easily be taken how precious life really is. Take all the time you need sweety and always remember he is looking down on you and you will see him again someday. In my heart you are a true hero

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  4. You are amazing.

    I wish I had the right words to say to you but I don't. Alls I know is you are strong and he is a hero.

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  5. I have been following your blog, and read something yesterday that made me think of you. It was in a story about a woman who lost her husband in one of the twin towers on 9/11. In the story she says she still misses him 10 years later. "It's like losing a limb," she said. "You never stop missing it, but you learn to live without it." You will always miss Josh, but you will find a way to continue living. My hope for you is that those baby steps you take will keep you moving in a direction where you find some of the happiness that you are missing. You deserve it.

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  6. Chrissy,
    You are one strong girl! I know nothing that I say will make things better but just know you are in my thoughts and prayers. He is a hero. "Keep on Keeping on"

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  7. I know no matter what anyone says it won't make it any better. It won't bring him home but please know that you are not alone.

    Use your passion, your energy and your absolute love to the best of your ability whether that be for doing your best in school, for your family or following the dreams that you and Josh had set out for yourselves. You can do this. You are not alone. He is right there beside you every step of the way.

    With love
    x

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  8. I love reading your blog, most of the time I cry but I still Love it.
    you are doing a good job just keep your head up. I don't know what you are going through but I can tell it is hard.

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  9. You are amazing......and I know that you are making him proud. Remember that.
    Accomplish all you can in life, live it for the both of you. I have lost a father, a brother and a sister all in seperate accidents. (I know not the same, but I am missing them always)I am living my life for them all.

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