Sunday, June 5, 2011

Happy

According to my handy dandy dashboard dictionary.. happy is feeling or showing pleasure or contentment. <----- That.. isn't me.

Let me first apologize for my absence.  Between school and work AND my trip the the fabulous las vegas I haven't been around much.  Vegas was amazing!  I was so glad to go away for my birthday.  Me and Josh talked about this birthday for a long time and the last place I wanted to celebrate it was at home.  Everyone needs to go out there at least once in their lifetime.  There is so much to see and I can't wait to go back.  Besides.. that was part of my bucket list.  He always wanted to go to there and didn't get the chance so I went for him. 

Back on track.

It bugs me when people tell me I'm happy.  No.  You are very wrong.  I look at my life a year ago and then I was genuinely happy.  My life was falling into place and I was surrounded by an amazing boyfriend, family, and friends.  At the time things couldn't have been any better.  I look at pictures from then and you could see it in my smile.. it was in my eyes.  I lost the meaning of the word after September 2nd.  For months I went to school, went to work, and went to bed.  That was it.  Literally.

I can't say that I haven't gotten better because that would be a lie.  I've had some amazing people come into my life to help me through it and I can't ever thank them enough for that.  They have definitely lifted me up and helped me to get through it.  It is still just so hard.  I find myself at random hours of the day or driving in my car with tears just streaming down my face.  That longing to have my old life back.  Thinking about how happy I was.  Thinking about what I should be doing right now. I still have to tell myself he's gone.  That he's not coming back.  Sometimes I still don't want to think that it's real.

July is going to be a bad bad month for me.  It just dawned on me the other night that July 15th will be the last day that I saw him.  July 1st should have been our EAS date.  The thought of a whole year passing by since I touched him and he was standing right in front of me tears me apart.  Hitting the 9 month mark on Thursday was awful.  Sometimes the further I get from that day it feels like the more it hurts because it's longer since I've seen or talked to him.  Sure it means getting better but you still think about what was left behind.

I had another one of my fantabulous mental breakdowns last night when I was with someone.  Seriously one I start there is no stopping.  I really don't even know how it is humanly possible for someone to cry like that sometimes.  It was the same things that get me every other time.  And the looming fact that I just don't want to let go.  I don't know that I ever have to.  Right now I don't want to at all.  I have so many people tell me he lives in my heart and to be happy about that.  I'm not.  For some reason remembering him like that just is sufficient when I feel like he should still be standing in front of me.  His life was cut entirely too short. 

I've been going out and I often engage in conversations with people about him and I can't help but to smile.  Just to remember how loving, caring, and funny he was.  I don't think we've ever talked about a story without laughing at something he did.  It's comforting that I can do that now.  To smile when I think about him.  It just never takes away that pain.  I'll gaze down at the black bracelet on my wrist, the silver one on my other, or grab the necklace around my neck and think for a minute.  Just to remember and hold on to the little things I have left.

It's been a rocky road the past few days and I don't see it getting better any time soon.  I still have those days where I have to force myself to life.  Fighting just to get through the day.  It's hard.  I never in a million years would have thought this is what it would be like.  I hate falling into this slumps where just living is challenging enough in a day.  I really wish more people understood that.  I try to do what he would want me to it just doesn't always work that way and it's not so easy.  Hopefully what's ahead will come and go and I'll make it through just like everything else. 

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